I really hate it when . . .

you are shopping at the mall and the various vendors in the middle try and attack you with their product. Just today while in the mall--WHICH by the way was a HUGE accomplishment since I HATE shopping, especially at the mall.

Well, on a slight diversion, the big JC and I have an understanding around this time that if I am meant to be shopping at the mall, a perfect parking space will appear. So today while pulling into the parking lot at a large nearby mall, the first spot in the row closest to the entrance was free. I took that as a sign and parked the car.

OK, so back to all the things I was accosted by today:

1-little lady who wanted to curl my hair--ok, how many icky people's hair has she curled with the same thing she is brandishing at me? Does she not know I have OCD and I am sure she is not super sterilizing in between victims.

2-then after that I was chased by the lady that wanted to give me fake ponytails. I guess the curl job wasn't enough and she thought clearly I needed MORE hair to make me beautiful.

3-then there was the man who came at me with a heated thing he wanted to put around my neck. HELLO, I have spacial issues and I did NOT want people putting things on me while I am braving the big scary mall.

4-finally there was the lady selling the fake animals--if you haven't seen them they are quite the sight. They are fake pets that look like they are breathing . . .or they look like something that should be in a chucky movie.

I wish I had something that I could attack them with when they come near me. When I am in the mall with the DP I make her walk on their side . .

Sheesh . . .attention mall people . . .BACK THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!

OK, I feel better now!!

One more day . .

Gee, then I think I will take a month off of blogging to make up for all the blogging I have done this month.

Today was a good day. I had a meeting this morning and did some great networking for my program and got many good questions answered. Then I went to a visit where the mother wasn't there and didn't call . .that's wasn't fun. Oh, this was after I knocked on the wrong person's door, too.

Then I came home and had to deal with more drama about the supervision issue-see yesterday's rant. I then went to the sibling group I co-facilitate with siblings of kids with special needs. They're a really great group of kids and they were really fun tonight.

Now off to shower and bed. Working at home tomorrow-AND we are getting our insulation so that should be fun.

Venting

OK, thus far I have loved my job. I still love the job I do, but I am, however, very frustrated with something that has been happening.

I am required to have supervision toward my LCSW . . .8 hours a month to be exact if I want to count 40 hours a week of work. I am currently receiving 2-4.5 hours monthly depending on the sibling group I co-facilitate. I do that in exchange for a few hours for supervision. This is not a requirement for me to have my job, but rather for me t move toward my clinical license.

Well, when I was in the job for a few weeks I decided to email my supervisor to see if she knew of anyone in the agency who could supervise me. She did not and forwarded to to the head cheese of my agency. She then told me that the second head cheese of the parent agency wanted to meet me, he was a social worker and was very excited to meet me. They would take me to lunch and we would talk about supervision possibilities. We had a great lunch and he said he would get back to me. Now, he is the second in charge of a large agency . . .not someone that just anyone gets to go out with.

So then at a recent event, he introduces me to someone who he thinks might be able to supervise. She is an LCSW and works in a welfare to work program with folks who have significant mental illness. She told me she'd be willing to supervise me if I gave her some hours in her program. Now, normally this would be ok. However, I don't have the time she wants me to "give". My supervisor basically said no, and I have not one bit of interest in her program.

Yesterday I got an email saying someone had been identified-meaning the woman in the Welfare to work program, and I went to the head cheese of my agency and said, well, thanks, but I don' t think it is going to work, I would like to find someone who is in the line of work I am doing and I think what she is doing and what I am doing are not similar. She encouraged me to think that is wasn't as dissimilar as I thought . . .I talked to my supervisor and she suggested that I let things go for now and just see what happens. She said welcome to the politics of the agency.

Today I get an email from second head cheese from other agency asking me to call him tomorrow as he wants to discuss. He feels the lady would be a great fit and sure I could wait and see if someone doing similar work is available, but this is what he has for now. Then, here's the kicker, I get an email from head cheese of my agency to the effect of "second head cheese is NOT happy. I suggest you seriously consider making this work with this lady".

OK, so is it me, or does it sounds like I am being bullied into making this work. The thing is, I don't NEED the supervision to do the job I am doing. I simply inquired about the availability of someone and now I feel like I am being forced into something I don't want to do. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I emailed my supervisor and asked her what I should do . . .The other part of this is that my position is grant funded, and as of June 30 I technically don't have a job if the grant doesn't get refunded, so I don't want to piss people off either.

Damn it, see what happens when I try and get my needs met . . .now I am in this mess and I want out. Hell, I will sell toes to get money for supervision, but I don't want this and I don't want to get supervision for the heck of getting it with just anyone. I want it to mean something and be beneficial. I know I could be more open to the other program, but seriously I have no interest in it and said I never wanted to work in mental health like that. I am my own basket case, much less working with others with those issues.

I just feel very angry that I feel like this is something I will have to do since I put it out there. I already still feel like despite loving the job I do, and the supervisor and immediate co-workers I have, I don't get the sense that anyone else at the agency really likes me. This is hard because I have always been very well respected and liked. Maybe it is just the place, maybe they just don't know what to do with such a fabulous person . . .

Thanks for letting me vent.

Oh, and Jenster, I had to laugh my ass off at your posting about Jill. I am sorry she has caused such discord in your marriage, and your reasons for disliking her are very valid. You articulated your point very well and I sure do hope if and when the time comes for me to have my own "Jill" that is doesn't cause so much angst. Hehe, thanks for sharing that with me.

Droopy

My eyes have been droopy since about 11am this morning. I need to go to bed. I have a full day of visits tomorrow. Then I will be home and I will write some more about the last week or so.

Cold

Today was a very cold, rainy, and yucky day. I am supposed to be going out soon to see Rob Bell, and all I can think about is curling up with my blanket and sleeping.

I know this blog is getting boring, and I apologize for that. The NaBloPoMo challenge is winding down . . .and I am running out of things to say that are exciting. I know some other blogs are doing audience participation-the readers are asking questions. Problem is, I don't have that many readers.

HOWEVER, for those that may be reading, feel free to send a question my way if you have one and I will answer.


***Update***

Rob Bell was fantastic!! I am so glad that we went and saw him. I can't believe how he can bring stories to life and have you sit there, captivated, for 2 hours. That's talent and I am glad he shares it with the rest of us.

For real

So she has leukemia . . .for real. She has the ALL kind . . .I need to do some more research on that to see what it means. Mom said she started the chemo on Friday and is expected to be in the hospital for about 5 weeks. I will go see them tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am also going to see Rob Bell in a speaking tour that he is doing. This guy does these short video segments on various topics related to the bible called NOOMA . They are done in such a way that it really brings some of the teachings and verses to life and makes you think about them in different ways. I actually liked the videos so much I went on eBay and bought many of them (when there was only like 11 of them, now I think there are 18). In any case, he is speaking tomorrow and a few of us from church are going. I am very excited. I have shared a clip of one of the ones I really like . . .



Have a great night all!

Busy day

Included in busy day:

-Making breakfast for family
-Heated discussion about purchase of GPS system
-Trip to mall to browse-need I mention again that I truly do not really like shopping-though the antibacterial soap sale at Bath and Body Works was a treat! I stocked up!! I also did not complain ONCE about shopping!!!
-Home for leftover T-day lunch
-Out again to local town to shop-cut short by mom feeling ill
-Home for lots and lots of pictures from the in-laws trip to Alaska
-While eating pizza, watching White Christmas
-Now off to bed after perusing stacks of catalogs for perfect gifts . . .

I think that might be the gist of the day . . .Good day!

Good Day

We had a great Thanksgiving over here. The food all came out wonderfully, and the sweet potato goop was fantastic and I noticed most everyone going back for seconds. I was, of course, so stuffed, even though I tried to pace myself. It was good though. We had many laughs and good company. RHB's desserts were great!!

We put up the tree and got out all the decorations. Funny, every other year we have had to prioritize what decorations would get to come out and which ornaments would get to go on the tree sine we had a smaller place. We bought a bigger house and a bigger tree this year and everything looks great. I think if anything we could use a few more decorations here and there, but if we didn't have them it would be ok, too. The tree looks great!! We even have some presents under the tree as the in-laws already brought out their presents since we won't see them for Christmas.

Today we were work horses. We were at Home Depot really early this AM and bought new outside lights, things to puppy-proof the fence, a digital thermostat, a light timer, switch plates, reflectors, and a wreath holder.

The reflector is for me, and really for a very silly reason. I keep going by the house. I know I should know which one is mine by now, but I think in the dark it is really hard. So I bought reflectors for the telephone pole in front of our house and hopefully that will help. They are all still making fun of me, but I don't care and will get my needs met and it is ok-right?

Dad and DP were working on the fence, and I was trying to identify weeds/plants with mom to see what could be saved and what could be trashed. We pulled up a bunch of pavers in one area we would like to use as a garden next year. Then I started digging up some big rooty weeds, and then I could tell I was getting a bit obsessed. There was big chunks of concrete in the ground and I couldn't just leave them there. I had to get them all out and then chuck them all onto the side of shed up the hill. I know I am going to be sore later.

But, the lights are up, the water to the outside is turned off, the fence should keep fido-to-be in, and a few others odds and ends are done. Now we are heading to dinner. I will sleep well tonight.

Turkey Day!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gobble, Gobble !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just so sad

I am so sad today . . .well, ok, not all day. It was a pretty good day until I got home from work to a message saying to call this person immediately. Turns out the little girl that I baby sit-the little 4 year old with down's is in the local children's hospital and they are about 98% sure she has leukemia.

My jaw just dropped and I couldn't believe what I'd heard. I was just with this child on Saturday and she was fine . . .her parents are just devastated I am sure. I talked to mom today and offered whatever little condolences and words I could, but just knowing them I know this is a terrible thing for them.

I will probably go see her in the hospital on Monday, as they said she would be there for about a week. They did a spinal tap today to confirm the diagnosis, as well as determine what kind it is in order to treat. They haven't heard back yet about the results.

I got off the phone and had a much needed cry. Makes me angry, though also reminds me that we have very little control over any of this stuff . . .just like that life get snapped into perspective.

If you are a praying type, please keep this little girl and her family in your prayers.

Thanksgiving prep

We are getting ever closer to turkey day, and we are hosting the day for my in-laws, and RHB and guest. We have bought a turkey, a rather LARGE turkey I might add . . and did I mention we have NO clue what we are to DO with the said porker of a turkey. We also realized that we had no casserole dishes to speak of . . .

We told the in-laws that we would be happy to provide the food, but of they wanted anything edible they would have to help. We ordered stuffing and mashed potatoes from Whole Foods which we are excited about. RHB is bringing the desserts. I will attempt to make sweet potato casserole . . .

In-laws arrive at 11:53pm tomorrow, and we have a ton of cleaning to do. I will make the sweet potato goop tomorrow so we just have to put it in the oven.

Sheesh-seems like Thanksgiving was such a boring holiday when you didn't have anything to do or make . . .I think I am tired already.

Seen today at the gym

OK, I saw the funniest thing today at the gym. I don't know that simply telling you will do it justice, but I have to tell someone.

I did my cardio and then it was off for some weight lifting. I had noticed a small, older woman of asian descent on the bike, then she too went to the machines. Well, she had the most unusual techniques about her work out. She was on the seated row machine-for those of you that don't know, it is the one where you sit down and pull the bar back toward you midchest with your arms . . .well was doing this to the extreme and whipping her whole body back and forth-sort of like seated row meats sit up . .

Then it appeared that she wanted every machine that I was on, so when I got off of one machine, she came racing over with the seriously scary face and very fast walk-like she could have killed me. . I SOO wish I could do more for this story with a visual, but I can't, but you have to know it was by far the funniest thing I have seen in a very long time. Oh, and she would stare at me while on the machine that she just ran me over to get to.

She then moved onto the leg machine, where you sit down and move your legs from 90 degree angle to straight out, well, again, she was doing her own thing. I looked around to see if anyone else thought this was odd, but apparently they are either used to it or didn't notice, but it kept me in the gym for an extra 20 minutes.

I just thought it was funny . . .

Catching up

I know I have been less than exciting on this blog the last few days, but things have been good-but busy, too.

Friday night we went out to dinner and then to a concert with RHB and some friends. It was fun to hang out-and we even started up an impromptu game of scrabble while we waited--since we'd gotten there early to get good seats. The concert was ok, but it was even more fun to be with friends. I was reminded again about how I lust over those who can play the guitar, and yearn for the day I, too, can play. Though I never do much about it-I even have a guitar, but I lack the motivation. I think because it seems so impossible that I could actually play anything good. Maybe that will be a new year's resolution.

Then Saturday we had a guy over to give us an estimate on putting glass block windows in our basement. The windows down there now are scary and have a few holey spots in them, and energy wise it makes sense. The I went to an autism support group meeting to promote my program. Then DP and I were both providing childcare to different families, so I went to see her and her charge for a bit, then went to mine.

My two girls are by far the coolest kids ever. The younger one, age 3, has down syndrome and I met them about 2 years ago. This little girl has made so many strides and is just the cutest thing possible. They were excited to see me-it has been about 6 months since I have seen them, and it was just a fun time. Great parents, great kids, and some cash to throw in the pot.

Today I went to church and then ran around preparing for the in-laws to visit this week. We did the Thanksgiving shopping, and ordered the stuffing and mashed potatoes from Whole Foods-hope they are good. I don't think I realized how expensive a Thanksgiving meal can be . . .I will attempt to make sweet potato casserole. I'll keep you posted on how that goes since I am NOT known for my cooking!!

I got my hair cut today, as well. I am one that really could care less about what my hair looks like, I just don't want it to take a lot of time to have to do. So today I trotted off the hair place and got it cut short again. I think it looks cute-but then it always does the day you get it cut . . .

Should be a very busy week, and I hope to be able to enjoy the upcoming visits and such. I hope you are all doing well and finding time to remember what it is that you are thankful for.

Tomorrow

You'll have to wait until tomorrow to hear what I have been up to . . .

Today

Much too late and way too tired to say anything profound . . .good day though and I will elaborate much more tomorrow. Sleep tight!

Video-might require tissues!

Too cute not to share. I sure hope this dog has a nice, cozy, warm bed to sleep in at night after all that "activity"!! Though looking at him he'd probably be right on the floor by this kids bed, or IN the bed . . .Take a look . . .

What if?

What if I am just like everyone else? Folks who are in recovery from something, and maybe even everyone else, will wonder at some point who and what they are without their disorders-be it addiction, eating disorders, cutting, etc. This is a question I have been pondering lately.

My DP will maybe groan at this, but in all honesty I have a hard time seeing what others do about me. Since I was 12, well, 8 really I have been defined by some "issue". Whether it was sexual abuse, anorexia/bulimia, self-mutilation, drug addiction, blah blah blah. Now it comes to light many years later, with a lot of therapy and growth, that I might be getting to the point where the things in my head and the things I deal with are N .O.R.M.A.L.

But what does that mean for me and my identity that has been defined for so.many.years by the negative things I have done? How do I get attention? How do I make my needs known? How do I deal with rejection, hurt, shame if I don't have/use those things?

In therapy today we started talking about sex. Now, I don't talk about sex. This is one of those issues that stays locked away in a tiny box and rarely comes out to play. Something came up and we started discussing this and a conversation that was had last week at a local restaurant with a few friends of mine while out to dinner. Here we are chowing down on our meals and someone talks about how she wants more . . .then it leads into "self-care" . . and it just keeps going. It occurred to me today that I would have liked to be more present in the conversation, but my head was intrenched in why I couldn't be-sex is bad, wrong, dirty, blah blah blah. I know these are my issues, but when it comes down to it I want to have less issues and in order to do that I have to talk about the very thing that makes me want to vomit sometimes.

Where was I going . . .oh, yeah. So what if I am just another patient talking to her shrink about sex? This is normal, right? People talk about this stuff, and other stuffs and they don't allow their lives to be defined by these things. People recover and grow up and want to be contributing members if society.

I know I am rambling, and lucky for you all it is a post-therapy ramble, but seriously. I know I have said this before, but I don't see all the time what others see in me, and I am working at closing that gap, but in the meantime I secretly, or not so secretly right now, am excited about a life that is built on other things and not on the destructive and negative things it has been thus far.

There you have it. I still have a post in me about food issues, but my brain hurts and I need to zone out on some TV.

Random thoughts . .

OK, so I am jumbled today and so I thought I would let you know about the randomness going on in my head about my latest activities and such . . .

1. I am now triple checking to be sure I am posting on the right blog . . .
   
2. I am feeling much better today, though my nose is still all cracked from blowing it so much. OUCH! I had to give in and use the lotion-y issues my DP got me. Thanks!
3. I took the train to work today and was feeling very directionally challenged. I thought I could get the broad street line right from Market East, which apparently you cannot, and people were telling me to go this way and that way and by the time I gt to the conference I was a sweaty mess ready to cry . . .45 minutes after I got off the first train . . .
   
4. I almost cried this morning-I have been on the verge of tears for a few days-not sure why-->(though I should have gotten my period and I haven't . . .first time since off the pill that I haven't gotten it. I thought I was going to be a normal girl for a chance), but I have kept it together, but this morning was challenging. It turns out I should have just gone to my normal stop and walked a few blocks and I would have been there. I hate feeling like I don't know where I am.
5. Went to a conference today and it was very interesting . ..talked about the racial disparities in low birth weight babies . . .I was asked to go by the folks I work with-mostly nurses. I met some people and it was very interesting. Tomorrow is a seminar on autism interventions/assessments. Close to home so I can sleep in a bit and drive there.
6. Had a meeting tonight at my church. They are gathering with women to talk about what kinds of things women might be interested in as far as outreach, ministry, activities, fun, etc. It was great to met some new people and I look forward to getting to know them.
7. My cousin had gastric bypass surgery, and while visiting her this weekend my mother proclaimed that she and I should get this done together. I have so many things to say about this, and it is too late to say them now, but I needed to get that out. I know this is not something I should be thinking about obsessively, but I am and I can't seem to get the vision of my once fluffy cousin turned skinny out of my head.
8. I have an official bio on the website of the place I work. Of course I cannot share that, cause then y'all would know who I was and that would be very, very bad! But it is neato anyways!
9. While visiting a health center last week for work-I was observing the clinic-, one of the np's told me-matter of factly that I had rosacia, bad acne, and needed to lose weight. She gave me a script for this lotion stuff-two actually and I used them for about two days when I stopped. Why did I stop you ask? Well, my face got all red and bumpy and itchy. Then it sort of turned leathery. Today was the first day it did not itch horribly and burn. I ditched the potions and went back to the Aveda All Sensitive . . .I should have known better as I have a history of reacting this way to things on my face, but my face was breaking out horribly and I was feeling some type of way about that.
   
10. hmm, I guess that is it. I have therapy tomorrow. That has been going relatively well, except she keeps going away and that has caused some breaks in sessions and I feel like we start over each time we have a break . . .it is getting better, but I wish she'd stay put. Doesn't she know I have issues?

Night-until tomorrow!

Organization

I love to organize things. That may be a bit of an understatement, but needless to say I could organize all day long. Which is, in fact, precisely what I did today. I had about a foot tall stack of resources that I have collected since I have started in my career- just on autism related info. The new job has added quite a number more. I brought them all home a while ago and they sat on a chair until the perfect moment--or really until I got tired of looking at them.

In any case, today was the day. I had previously gone through them and put them into sub categories, and today I put them all in their little plastic covers. I do have to pat myself on the back, as I had to deal with multiple varieties of plastic sheets as I had a LOT of material to cover-literally and not enough of one kind of sheet protector. Normally I wouldn't have been able to handle differing kinds. I am coming along quite nicely!!

Then came the part where I had to make dividers. Now, no one should really get this excited over dividers, but I do. Yup, It is almost better than se . . .setting the table of course ;) I went to work on the dividers, only to then find out that they weren't quite long enough to stick out and be seen with the plastic sheets, so I had to think on my feet and decide what the next critical move would be. I had run out of binder room and which meant clearly I had to go to Staples to get another binder-3 inch durable view-Blue. Got my binder and looked around for another option for divider tabs, and decided to just go with ones I knew we had tucked away. I longingly looked at the things there were at the store that one could organize with. I didn't buy anything else :( I thought that was a well deserved trip. Now it was back to work. I got home and printed the little suckers and then began painstaking process of printing out covers for the binders and labels for the spines. Both of which I had to do multiple times because I am a perfectionist and they had to be just right-right in time for me to run out of ink. Now, if I were really out of control I would have gone back to said store and gotten a new ink cartridge, but I can only handle one trip a day to the super store.

All in all the binders got done, all 5 of them. I am now separated, tabbed, categorized, color coded, and labeled. I feel like the world can keep on spinning for anther day.

Seriously, I wish I could make a living doing this kind of stuff. Once I make my mind up to do something, I do it very well and I like doing it. I know people do, but I don't even know how one would begin to do that kind of venture.

Bravery

Bravery to me is trying new things . . more specifically new foods. Those of who who may know me are aware that I don't try new foods. That's just not in my nature. I am a creature of habit and I like to know everything and anything about the food I am eating, and in order to be able to do that I can only eat a limited number of things.

Suffice it to say, I must still be very sick and in a snot overdosed state since I agreed to eat a pomegranate today. It all started with DP pronouncing that it would be FUN! So we got the little sucker all cut up and soaked it as instructed. Then, in all my sensory seeking glory, I helped get all the little bits out of the peel and swished my hands around on the water with the fun little purple bits . . .

Then we started eating them . . .just one at a time at first, but then I discovered that it was more fun to put several in your mouth at one time and bite down on them . . .sort of like a little burst of fun in your mouth.

That was my fun for the day. I am still full of snot and my nose looks like it could pass for Rudolph's since I have blown it like 10 million times--SERIOUSLY, it has go to end soon!! Today I leaned over to zip up my pants and stream of goober ran out of my nose. Now that is just uncalled for. Enough is enough. I demand that I feel better tomorrow!!!

I am a big, fat, doofus

so I am looking for my blog from last night-where I said I wanted to take a sick day from blogging since I felt like crap and was snuffly and was going to my folks house tomorrow for my dad's surprise birthday . .

and I wondered where it was, and was upset that people would see that I am slacking on the every day posting . . .I know I wrote it, but where was it??

Then I go to look on the work blog that we have-the one that is private for only work folks . . .and there it is . . .me telling work that i was taking a sick day from blogging and that i felt like crap and I was going to my dad's . . .luckily i can delete it, but i wonder how many people read it. good thing i posted it at 9:30 last night, so maybe no one cares about the work blog enough on Saturday to see that . . .right?

sheesh, i already feel like the executive director doesn't like me, and if she saw me mess that up i am sure she won't like me even more . . .

damn it . . .

Guess what?

I have been yearning for a GPS system since I took my new job--you know the job where I drive all around Philadelphia. I have the one I want picked out and everything, and have even made good arguments as to why I NEED one . . .

• I am so directionally challenged I could have gotten lost in the womb . . .
  
• Well how am I going to know where I am going?
• What happens if a road is closed and I get lost in the city?
• Pulling out a map in the hood doesn't make me feel safe . .
  
• We're wasting paper by printing out mapquest directions all the time
• Do I even mention how many times the directions aren't right . . one way streets . . .construction . .traffic . . oh, my head hurts!!
  

Alas I wonder how the hell people ever traveled without mapquest, yahoo maps, etc. DP says that's why they make maps, and luckily I had one in the car today.

I print out my directions for the multiple homes I will visit in one day, and then I am set. This method assumes that I adhere strictly to the directions printed. However, today I had to make an unscheduled stop and I pondered whether this was a good move since I didn't have printed directions for this. I did it anyway and I pulled out my trusty map and guess what??? I eventually got to where I was going. Imagine that . . .

I am still so directionally illiterate that I would love love love love love a GPS unit, but know that we cannot afford that right now. Oh well, a girl can dream can't she??

Today

Today was a good day-though it started at7:40 this morning with having a flu shot, 6 vials of blood taken, and a PPD test all out of the same arm. I am surprised I can type . . .no, really, I am not that much of a wimp.

Then it was a full day of meeting new people. I got to spend the afternoon with a nurse practitioner who supervises a health center that serves primarily uninsured and poverty level folks. It was eye opening to hear some of the challenges they have in helping these families. I was able to ask her a ton of questions which helped me understand more about the process for the folks I work with. (I was also told I had rosacia and bad acne and handed a prescription for creams . . oh, and I was told I had to lose weight. I guess she figured I was fair game for intervention as well)

Then I had supervision which I am receiving toward my clinical license. That was good today as she and I are still getting to really know each other and she reviewed my clinical notes today and said they were excellent!! I felt really happy!!!

It was off to dinner with RHB and DP and we had a good time-as usual. Except for the extreme smokiness of the place. My abhorrence for smoking and the like will be explored more in a further posting . . .and just to clarify, I do not dislike those who DO smoke, I just don't like the stink that smokers share with those around them . . .

To be continued . . .

Night night!

Shorty pants

OK, so I am short-in case you have not had the privilege of meeting me in person! I am about 5'3 and most petite pants are about 5 inches too long for me. What this means is that I spend a lot of extra money to have my pants hemmed. I used to only buy petite pants, but found the selection quite limiting.

DP told me once that if I had to hem them anyways, then I might as well buy the cool girl pants and have them hemmed just the same . .she's got smarty pants!

So I have found a dry cleaner near where we used to live, and the lady there is very nice. I always questioned, though, how much she really understood of what I was saying. She always tended to nod appropriately and never said much. The pants always came out great and so I keep going back. She once referred to me as the "short one" to my partner when she picked up clothes for me once.

I went in yesterday to take some pants in to be hemmed, and lo and behold she struck up a lengthy conversation about where I'd been-I moved further away and didn't need pants hemmed-she congratulated me on the house and asked if I moved with family-I told her I bought the house with my partner. We talked some more and she pinned and I nodded. She seemed lonely and thankful for someone to talk with.

Then she asked me if I was married and I chuckled and said no. I told her numerous times I lived with my partner and I guess that was lost in translation. She proceeded to tell me about her son, one year younger than me and single . . .works hard . . .likes ladies. . .

Was the hemmer lady trying to set me up with her son?? I will check my pockets twice when I pick them up to see if she slipped me a phone number . . .

That's all for today. Good day-had to do a session with a French speaking family through an interpreter . . .which means a much longer session and much talking. It was kind of funny-at one point the interpreter looks at me and is translating emphatically . . .but he forgot to speak English and I must have had a look on my face because all of the sudden the room erupted in laughter. It was fun and I think she appreciated the help.

Hope all is well in your corners.

A special shout out to RHB who faithfully reads my blog and doesn't comment anymore since I yelled at her when I first started the blog . ..she used my name in a comment and I reprimanded her, flogged her, and then asked her how in the world I was supposed to remain anonymous if she commented with my name. She has never commented again. So RHB, I hereby absolve you of your sin. You are free to comment again!! Hugs!

Tired

I am very tired today. I just finished working to catch up on paperwork and prepare for visits tomorrow. I need to figure out how to manage my time better when I have home days to assure that I get everything done.

I did manage to go to the gym today, so that was good. I even did crunches . . .

Oh, on an interesting note, I saw a guy in the city today completely flip over his bike-head over heels and land in the middle of the road. Luckily no one ran over him . . .I would have stopped, but I had a cab up my butt and it looked like someone was attending to him. He got up and walked, but I have never seen anything like that up close and personal. Oh, I also got to back down an off ramp today when an over sized load got stuck on the exit and we had no where to go but backward. What fun!

I am off to the shower then bed-short post today, but I think yesterday made up for it, don't you?

Why church . . .

I have been contemplating this post for a while, and I thought, since I have to blog everyday I would write it.

I go to a really great church and I really like it. I have quite the history with church, and have always kinda had a love/hate relationship with god and the church. I grew up catholic, and went to catholic school until I was in 4th grade. I liked the school, but was taken out when my brother was having a hard time with it. We were then shipped to public school. My mother and father were very active in the church-mom singing in the choir and brother serving as an alter boy. I remember going to church with my family, including grandparents, in my Sunday best. I used to sit next to my grandfather and I felt so special. Of course, there was the inevitable slap on the leg when by brothers and I acted up, but we did it together and I liked it. My mother and father have always sowed their own sense of spirituality and love for god. My mother prays daily using little prayer books, and my dad watches the Crystal Cathedral weekly.

When we moved to PA from NJ, we started attending another church that was HUGE! Not used to such a large church. We all went as a family, and brother and I were confirmed as we should. Mom and dad stopped going to church at this time and we'd be dropped off and told to go. We would walk down to the local strip of stores and skip Sunday School.

At this time I was also questioning my sexuality. I had also told my family that I wanted to attend a Presbyterian church since they had a youth group, and a friend of mine at the time was going there. They weren't very happy, and told me if I wanted to go I'd have to find my own way to and from. There were people that brought me back and forth, and that was my first introduction to a church other than catholic. My home life was quite turbulent at this time as well, so this church became a sanctuary of sorts-especially the youth group. I learned a bit about god along the way, but mostly I got out of the house. I was befriended by a teacher at my school district who happened to also be a youth group leader. She would take me to breakfast a couple of times a month before school and would listen to me-all of me. She loved and cared for me like no one else could at the time. She and her husband were an integral part of my getting through a my youth-and passing chemistry in high school!! To this day she and I remain in contact. She was, and is, what I think god would want all of his children to be like. She has struggled with many things, but at the end of the day she knows that god is what keeps her together.

During this time, I'd also come to terms with the fact that I was gay. No amount of reading or praying was changing that, so I thought I should clearly attend a Christian college-that would SURELY turn me straight. I asked my pastor to talk the summer before I left for college, and I told him that I thought I was gay. He went on about how he was disappointed in me and told me I would have no further place in the church. I couldn't believe what I'd heard . . .this was a church I'd spent the last 4 years in, watching kids, going to youth group, totally involved. I never went back.

I then went to college and one of the first few folks I met at the Christian college were gay, and I felt that perhaps it was going to be ok. I was then very heavily into alcohol, drugs, self-mutilation, and my eating disorder. I was so destructive that not even god could help me.

At the time I was attending a few churches very sporadically. I liked one church-the band was great and I loved the worship, though the message was very conservative. I went to another church-more consistently and longer than the first, but the message was very dry and there was very little singing that I liked. I became very active in the second church and made great acquaintances.

Then, in 2000, after much agony, pain, and hurt, I again attempted to commit suicide. I'd taken enough pills to surely kill me, though a short time after I'd taken the pills the phone rang, and I answered it. A friend was calling to check on me . . .needless to say I was taken to the hospital and stayed in ICU for several days recovering. The cool part of the story was that when I'd woken up two days later, I was angry that I was still alive, but in that moment I'd decided that it wasn't my time to die, and that I needed to stop trying to take my life and start living it.

I was allowed out of the hospital long enough to graduate, and the day after I graduated I went back into the hospital for a while. I called the pastor of the church I'd been attending and told her that I needed to see someone from the church-I needed someone close to god, someone that could talk to me about what to do now. I sat there for days and never once did they call or come. I stopped going to that church and felt that they could say all they wanted about loving and caring for people, but I couldn't have been any more desperate and in need at that time, and they did not seem to care. I gave up god then.

Still, throughout all of this, I had always listened to Christian music. Some of my favorites: Jars of Clay, Jennifer Knapp, David Crowder Band, Rich Mullins, Wayne Watson, Plumb. I Love LOVE listening to Christian music. I don't know what it is about it, but I would choose that kind of music over anything else if I had to.

Then a few years ago, I was visiting the local target, and I saw a sign for a church that met at a movie theater. I thought, "Oh, how weird." I ended up going a few months later, and I found it to be a very cool place. There were a ton of people, and actually I went and left a few times talking to almost no one, but I was ok with that. I wanted to see about the church and their views on homosexuality before I started getting more involved, because I was falling in love with this place and couldn't bear to be hurt again. I contacted the church and have a very lovely conversation with a leader and basically they stated that they wouldn't ever stand up and say that living my lifestyle was right, or even ok, but they were not going to throw me out either. In fact they have embraced me and loved me, without trying to change who I am. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but so far I am safe. I was even baptized a few months ago . . .

The church has preached on homosexuality since then, and again, they liken homosexuality to all the other sins-no one sin is better or worse, and we are all sinful people. I like the church and how I feel there, and so I have stayed. I have become involved and am now attending a weekly women's study and volunteer in the nursery. Those in my group know about my sexuality, as I told them on day one. I didn't want it to be a secret. All along I have been looking for a reason to run the other way, and they haven't given it to me. Short of a more accepting view on the issue, I couldn't ask for a better set up. My DP, dad, and brother have gone to the church with me at times as well, and I think they have enjoyed it. DP doesn't regularly attend, and that is ok. Should she decide she wanted to, I would welcome it readily.

I guess the kicker is this, I am not even sure I believe in god-I mean I do, but it doesn't feel real yet. I don't do the bible the way other's do, and I don't talk about my faith or spirituality with folks. I keep it pretty much to myself. Not really what jesus called people to do. I want to believe in it all, and I want to trust in something other than myself . . .but it is hard.

I keep showing up, I keep singing, and I keep learning from those doing it everyday. Maybe one day it will feel real to me-like it does in the songs I listen to and sing. It is that peace that I want. That awareness and trust that when I am at my last bit of strength, that something other than myself will hold me until I can do it myself. Maybe that has been happening and I just don't know it-or I attribute it to other things.

I also don't know if I can ever truly feel connected if I am engaging in such "sinful" activity-like loving a woman. I don't want to change that part-and am very happy with the woman I am sharing my life with. I don't know that having feelings toward this woman, or any other, was chosen, and if not chosen, then why wrong or sinful?

I guess that is between the big JC and I to rectify when I die. I figure, if I go to heaven that will be a bonus, and if I go to hell I will have some great company.

This sure did get long, but it was good for me to get out.

Fuzzy Hearing

DP and I took a ride to the local Target tonight and as we were walking around she mentioned something to me about the display of "crock cheese" and how it was a sign of the holidays. Well, I turned my head and I said, quite loudly "CROTCH CHEESE? What is THAT?"

Needless to say we had quite the laugh about that one for the rest of the night.

We has a lovely evening. I had to see two clients this afternoon. One very interesting one. A single mom who has a boy who was diagnosed with PDD last year, and this year the school tested him again and he is not testing autistic-AT ALL. I have to say, when I saw him last week for the first time I did not think he was autistic-not even aspergers. I thought maybe MR, but I don't think that either. Mom was very upset by this and was going to fight for him to be put in an autistic support class. I tried my darnedest to explain that he would still get the services that were needed-in this case speech therapy and some special education support.

It was hard to sit with this mom and see her struggle. I gather that it is somewhat challenging to have a child who is behaviorally difficult, and NOT have something to blame it on. So if she can't say that the child is autistic and he he having a behavioral episode, the she just supposes folks see her as a bad mom, rather than a mom of a challenging child. She is holding onto the label for dear life-and I didn't' think anything I said today was of any help.

I saw a new family today. Clearly not one that met the low-income requirements-the spa on the back porch of their sprawling house gave them away. They were in need of the services none the less, so I worked with them and will probably meet with them one more time. They had a very cute little girl . . .nice family.

Then DP and I put the big storm windows on the windows that actually had them and stored away all the outdoor furniture. We then went to dinner at Five Guys famous Burgers and Fries
All I have to say is YUM, YUM, YUM. They only make burgers, fries, and hot dogs. I heard a nun at physical therapy once raving over this place, and we decided to try it tonight. We got there and they had peanuts on the table for you while you waited. Then we got the most delicious burgers and fries. It was really good and the place was hopping.

Then we were off to the Lowes to price digital thermometers and outdoor lights. DP's family will be coming on over Thanksgiving and we will have a list of things for dad to do while here-two of which are to install said thermometer and lights!! Also, more importantly is to puppy-proof the back yard!!

Then we went to Target for a humidifier to replace the penguin one we had that broke for no good reason. There we had the aforementioned hearing mishap. Then we went to this yummy place for ice cream and bought a cookies and cream caramel apple for tomorrow.

I am tired now. . . and just under the wire for this post today!!

Heat

We had our heater serviced today, and that means that we finally have heat!! I am so excited. I sat there shivering while waiting for the guy to come. I even contemplated dancing with Ellen while I waited just to generate some heat.

Now, mind you, we were electing to not use the heat until it was serviced since we recently bought the house, but it was getting chilly! The issue now is that you cannot accurately tell what temperature you are setting it on. When DP's dad comes, he will install an electric thermostat which should help.

I worked from home today. I decided I had to organize my many many resources. I bought a few new binders and went to work to categorize and see what I had. I made general piles and then broke them down further. Now everything is piled-though categorized!! I will work on getting them back into their little plastic sleeves this weekend and hopefully will be done with that for a bit.

I am going out tonight to a social work gathering. should be fun-except I am not very social at times. I think I am also getting to the pre-period time and I just want to curl up and sleep, or snuggle. Either one will do.

I've got to go get prettied up for tonight. See ya tomorrow!

Anonymity

OK, so for the start of my month of blogging-I have decided to discuss the pros and cons of anonymity. I have thus far kept many details of my life, family, and work very secret. Why do I do this? Well, mostly because I wanted to talk freely about the things going on in my life without fear that others would find out-others that I knew, I mean. I have had some pretty crappy things happen to me at the hands of people that I am now trying to foster relationships with.

In that vein, I also wanted to be able to bitch about work and my stupid ass boss and not worry that they would find out. I'd heard a while ago that employers were doing some serious internet searching on people they employed or wanted to employ. The news was advising folks to tone down their my space pages and such. I never had one of those accounts as I don't have many friends-thus the not wanting to lose the ones I have by my scary postings and such.

I also have a blogging friend who recently had to seriously edit posts as she feared someone knew she was writing, and the things she was writing were not things she wanted the other someone to necessarily read. The internet is a fine fine place, until it backfires and bites you in the ass. With that said, I find it best to remain anonymous-mostly.

What hiding myself and my life has done, though, is made me feel less connected to the self I was looking to find in starting this blog. I wanted to be true to myself and what I want out of life-and how can I do that if I am masking the finer details of my existence?

After thinking long and hard about this, I have decided to come clean and reveal a very large part of myself. Now, please don't go telling the world about this, as I don't want anyone to know. BUT, ok, here it is . . .I live near a big city --------------------------------------->

Oh, now I know it is all over. My cover is blown and tomorrow I will wake up and my life will never be the same. Not really-I only wish that would make such a monumental difference. It feels liberating though. Now I can get to some of the real stuff.

Like how yesterday when I was at a home visit, I was less than 10 blocks away from the police officer who was shot in the head while getting his daily dose of Dunkin Donuts. He died today. I know I wasn't nearly as close as others, but none the less, that is much closer than I ever want to be to murder and a gun toting fool on the run. It was amazing to hear the cop cars blaring and helicopter flying above, and just a sense that something really wrong happened and no one could have planned for that. That's the feeling I got when I went to a visit the other day and outside the home I was visiting was a freshly laid memorial to someone-a teenager-who was shot there just a week before.

Many people are dying in the city and it is sad . . .sad that people have to be so scared and children can't play outside. Sad that we live in a place where most everyone is suspect, and even more suspect if you are a black male. I hate to admit it, but I watch my back a lot more than I should. I try and plan what I would do if something ever happened . . .this doesn't make me feel safer. It makes me sad very deep in my heart that I the only thing I can do is pray each and everyday that I would go through the day unscathed.

Tonight, tomorrow, this weekend-someone in the city will lose their life, and it seems no one is bothered enough to do anything about it.

You might be asking why I am doing this job given all this . . .I have to say I am happier now than I have been in a long time. I trust I am learning many life lessons here on the streets of Philadelphia, and a little healthy fear and increased self-awareness does a body good. I just need to keep it in check and not become obsessive about it-like studying the Philadelphia Homicide map. No one needs to know the finer details of that . . .right?

So there you have it. I have taken off a very small part of my mask and I am feeling better already.