Southwest is kicking my ass

OK, so I am being sent to our satellite center in Massachusetts later this week and they have me going on Southwest. I don't know much about Southwest except this . . .they have weird seating arrangements, and they will tell fat people they need to buy another seat.

I am so worried about this trip and the pending seating issues that I didn't sleep well last night. I had a dream that the airline people stood there with score cards and took votes on your weight and then made you buy a new seat after strutting down the aisle in front of everyone. I called them last night and just checked in, and they said that if I was relatively ok on the Continental flight I should be ok. But then I had DP's butt to squish into . . .this time I am going with a co-worker--who I don't feel comfortable telling my fears to . . .she is a skinny mini and will have no problem. Which would be good if I knew we could sit together but they have weird seating rules. The flight out is not full at all right now--only 25% full as of last night. The flight home had only ten seats left. DP told me to go ahead and buy the other seat if I thought it would help ease my mind, but it doesn't . . .my co-workers all seem to think I will be fine. My ultimate fear is that I will get there and they will tell me I have to buy another seat and there won't BE another seat.

Oh well. DP says there's nothing I can do about it, and I know she is right. I wish the Internet didn't have so many horror stories about those who are "of size" and who have flown Southwest.

I am excited about the trip in general . . .I just need to get past this part.

I sort of joked that I was going to go to one of those body wrap places the night before and see if I can get a few inches off my butt.

Oh well . . .I will let you know how it goes.

Other stuff is fine . . .not much drama in my department which is nice for a change.

Hope all is well in your corners!

A week I'd like to forget

Things have been very challenging for me to say the least over the last few weeks. The amount of time and energy I have been putting into my folks has been great . . .and very frustrating to say the least. The flood and then my father having to go to the hospital has been too much. I don't know what to do anymore to help them and I feel like I am waiting around for something horrible to happen to them, and at times I almost wish that would come sooner than later as I don't know how much longer I can handle the worrying. As a wise, wise social worker friend told me this week (thanks Friend!) you can't case manage your own family . . . I am so angry at them on so many levels that it feels at times like I will explode.

This week I did. It got to be too much and resorted to cutting again . . .something I haven't done in 6 years. I left therapy the other day and I was seething. Just so angry and I have never really been good at anger. When people in my life got angry, other people got hurt. So I decided long ago that getting angry at other people and letting them know it was not something I would do. I turned it all inward and at 12 began to cut. For me it was a way to feel . . when I was numb and needed the blood to remind me that I was still alive. A way to connect to myself and release some of that pressure that was building up inside. I don't expect others to understand this . . .I know it is not something most people can or want to understand. I used to hurt myself pretty badly and at times needed stitches, yet it wasn't about trying to end my life. I never remember feeling the pain of it all that I did to myself.

This was not true this week. I am not glad that I did it, but I am glad that not only did it hurt like hell, but it also gave me no relief what so ever. In fact for years I have been saying that if I ever went back to that I would be lost . . .I felt out of control during and afterwards as I wasn't sure how I could let myself get to that point again. I almost didn't do it as I knew my DP sees all of me and would know. As I drove around more I devised a story and decided I would do it in a place that I could say I fell or something. I didn't want to lie, but I was too far gone at that point in my head. Like a druggie looking to score I was blinded by the promise that my pain would soon end and I would be in control of my thoughts and feelings again. Little did I know that wasn't in the cards.

I came home and told DP and called shrinky dink. It was a rough day the next day and I am still off kilter. I need to find a way for anger to be appropriately expressed and know that I will not do to others what had been done to me in anger. In talking to DP she noted that in 7.5 years together she has never seen me angry. This, friends, is not ok. I need to be able to let this stuff go, and I also need the experience of being angry with others and not have them hurt me or leave. Shrinky dink say we will work harder on this, and that she will help.

In other news. . .This weekend I watched some kids yesterday and today went to church and did some yard work. We didn't go up to see the folks and it was best that way. Dad seems to be holding his own, and they have diagnosed him with gout. I guess he is in the clear of surgery right now and will be seeing a new doc tomorrow which will be good. This weekend I am in Atlantic City Thu-Saturday for a conference and then next weekend we will go up to see the folks on Sunday. The next weekend we go to TX to visit my brother and little tyke. I am excited about this trip.

In the meantime I am trying to be gentle with myself and not allow this to be the start of a downhill spiral. There's no need for that and I am on a hourly reminder system of that right now.

The end of my rope . .

Seems to be creeping up in regards to my family. I have a ton going on with them and I don't have the slightest idea of how to figure it all out . . .

Tony Campolo Rocks The House

This is a professor I had in college . . .he spoke at my church this past weekend and I wasn't there. I just watched and felt like I wanted to share. Even if you aren't into the god thing, he has some good things to say .. .it gets better after 12-13 minutes . . .hang in there. His wife, Peggy, went to another church I went to for a while which is a welcoming and affirming church for gay and lesbian folk and their relationship was always very interesting and I felt better about him knowing she was around to keep him real. Oh well . .for what it is worth. Take a look.



Brian Jones - The Official Website Blog Tony Campolo Rocks The House

Guess what I did??

I read 4 books over vacation! I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but let me tell you it takes me a while to read books. I typically have a lot that I start and never finish. I went to Big Bookstore before vacation and looked at the buy one get one half off and chose a few. You might notice a theme to which my shrink was like, um, what's with that and I told her that it wasn't that unusual. Last years vacation I read a few on the same theme as well-not this years theme, but another which happened to be all about the day in the life of women in different professions--very interesting! The cool thing is I actually read a couple of novels which is not my genre of choice but I found them to be enjoyable! Take a look at what I read!

1. Better-A Surgeon's notes on performance-- I really liked this book written by a general surgeon about his work. He tackles a few issues including the changing world of health care, child birth, the medical role in the death penalty, and more. I liked that he seemed to do a good job of presenting both sides of an issue, all while illustrating it with stories of his own practice and experience. He has another book called Complications which I haven't read yet, but got at the same time. One of the things he talks about which I appreciated was about the advances in medicine and the struggle between using that technology to save people who will go on to have seriously diminished quality of life. Working with the children I do and the situations I have been in, it was great that he tackled some of that . . .whether you agree or not.

2. The Bufflehead Sisters-- This was a good novel, though I have to say that I sort of knew the ending about 3/4 of the way through. It was still entertaining enough for me to keep going and I read the whole book in about a day!

3. Tell me where it hurts-- This book is about a day in the life of a veterinary surgeon. Somewhat like Better, he addresses multiple issues and the book is a good mix of explanation of different procedures and historical context and personal stories. DP read the book and liked the stories better than the "blah blah boring stuff." It was cute I thought . . .and again, very easy no brainer book for all the animal livers out there.

4. But inside I am screaming -- I enjoyed this novel about an reporter who has a nervous breakdown and ends up in a psych ward to try and figure herself out. She struggles with the "i'm not like these crazy people" idea and the book follows her through this. I liked this book as I could relate having spent a good amount of my own life in similar situations.

Have you guys read any of these? Any other reviews of these that you would add?

Hope all is well in your parts. I am back to work tomorrow . . .I am well rested and ready for new adventures. I have some posts about some other things but they will have to wait for now!

Relaxing Queen

Vacation is going marvelously and again I am sad that I cannot be a professional vactioner . .

So far I have read two whole books--which is a huge accomplishment for me . . , had the dog neutered, took a tour of Lambeau Field, bought 20lbs of cheese for dirt cheap, and spent two glorious hours doing nothing but laying outside reading. We also went to Door County, WI where I was able to wander about these small quaint shops and dream of a day I can do more of this kind of stuff.

DP and I have made some decisions about some things we need to do when we get back home--mainly looking at the budget and the garden--I know two very different things but both important to be looked at. We realize that we have spent so much time working this summer that we have been most miserable and at times not so nice to each other. This is not how we want to be with each other and will work towards making some changes.

I think I am going to nap a bit this afternoon since the pups apparently have NO concept of the time change and have been up at 5:00am most the days we have been here so far. This, my friends, is NOT fun!
I will leave you with some pictures of our time so far . . . Enjoy and hope all is well in your parts!

The kids lying about . . .picture from lunch in Door, County. Below is another picture from where we stopped to have lunch, then from the field at Lambeau!

Vote for my friend if you would . . .

Hey there folks-

If you have a second, please vote for my friend and her husband's photography business. They are in the run to win a Best of Philly award . . . You do'nt need to live in the area to vote. Check it out below:

Weld Photography http://www.weldphotography.us/ has been nominated as Best of Philly at
My Fox Philly Hotlist. We are in 6th place out of 187 photographers.
It only takes a minute to vote and is super easy. To vote go to: http://myfoxphilly.cityvoter.com/weld-photography/biz/406714
One vote per e-mail address. Pass on the link to anyone you might know
that would take a sec to help out our company.

64 things you've never been asked

1. First thing you wash in the shower? shampoo my hair

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? hunter green

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yes!

4. Do you plan outfits? depends--not usually

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? excited about vacation

6. What's the closest thing to you that's red? candy cane from xmas

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? kayaking with my shrink

8. Did you meet anyone new today? yes, the nice kid from the car place

9. What are you craving right now? iced tea

10. Do you floss? yes--recently started and i love it

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? saurkraut

12. Are you emotional? sometimes

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? Probably not

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? usually let it melt a little then eat it

15. Do you like your hair? yes

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? only if i could poison him!

18. What are you listening to right now? DP listening to "all she wants to do is dance"

19. Are your parents strict? on certain things, but not really

20. Would you go sky diving? NO WAY!

21. Do you like cottage cheese? yes

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? no

23. Do you rent movies often? no

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? yes, a print on my wall

25. How many countries have you visited? 1

26. Have you made a prank phone call? yes, when i was a kid

27. Ever been on a train? Yes

28. Brown or white eggs? brown

29. Do you have a cell phone? Yes

30. Do you use chap stick? Burts!

31. Do you own a gun? hell no

32. Can you use chop sticks? Nope

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? DP and the kids

34. Are you too forgiving? at times

35. Ever been in love? Yes!

36. What are your best friend(s) doing tomorrow? working and lunch bunch

37. Ever have cream puffs? Yes

38. Last time you cried? a few days ago

39. What was the last question you asked? do we have a deposit slip

40. Favorite time of the year? fall-hands down

41. Do you have any tattoos? yes, two

42. Are you sarcastic? yes!

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? nope

44. Ever walked into a wall? more times than i should admit

45. Favorite color? purple

46. Have you ever slapped someone? i am sure

47. Is your hair curly? nope

48. What was the last CD you bought? the new alanis album

49. Do looks matter? more than i would like to admit

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater? nope--i can't stand lying at all

51. Is your phone bill sky high? no, but it is more than i wish

52. Do you like your life right now? it is working and getting better. more improvements are needed but that is good

53. Do you sleep with the TV on? nope

54. Can you handle the truth? Yes, gently given of course

55. Do you have good vision? mostly, i have a slight prescription but can see without them

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? yes

57. How often do you talk on the phone? all the time

58. The last person you held hands with? DP

59. What are you wearing? pj's

60.What is your favorite animal? dogs

61. Where was your profile picture taken? outside

62. Can you hula hoop? no

63. Do you have a job? Yes-thanks goodness

64. What was the most recent thing you bought? a windsheild

Vacation

I am on vacation in a few days and it cannot come soon enough. This summer has been hellacious with work and the extra work we took on. It was clearly a lot to do and we are feeling the stress of not having any free time to really be with each other and not worry so much about not having any free time. We have managed to make use of our season tickets to the waterpark, but even that has been a lot with driving up there and having to then see my folks. . . usually all in one day becasue the nexty day we are working.

Things have been generally ok. I have been feeling very tired in the afternoons lately, and this has lead to checking in with the sleep study folks to see what might be happening with my sleep. I went for the first test and they said that even though the apneas were WAY better than last time five years ago, there's still enough present to make them want me to have a mask. He says if I keep losing weight it is likely that I won’t need it at all soon. I go back in a few weeks to have the second study done. I think the doc will also check me for Lymes as we have had many folks at work get it, and Addie was recently diagnosed with it as well.

I also had to start taking blood pressure medication. Now, I have had issues with medications since before when I was on too many psychotropics to keep track of. When I was finally able to come off of all meds a few years ago I sort of went the other way in that I don't want to take ANYTHING!!! But alas my BP had been a little high--like 130's/90's . . .for a while and she thought that since everyone else in my fam had high BP that it just might be a genetic thing. I canceled a few appts with her because I didn't want to discuss the issue. Then my bro who went on them a few years ago lost 40lbs and he has been able to come off of all of them. I am now taking a small dose of something or other and it seems to have given me an acceptable blood pressure for now. Cholesterol is excellent, so I guess that is good.

I am hanging in there with the weight loss. It has been so slow and up and down a few lbs on any given week. I am hoping the two weeks with DP's folks will help stabilize things as we generally eat very well there and walk a lot. I haven't gained and feel good that at least I am maintaining. I need to kick up the working out, but see paragraph one about not having time for anything and being very tired in the afternoons. I would like to try and see if I can find a place that I can do water aerobics. I think that would be great fun!

The pups are good, though Riley had a fight with his BFF Buergi this past week and since then they have been unable to be together. It is time for the big snip, and he will have that done while we are in Wisconsin. Folks have said we should be glad that they got along so well this long as they are both intact males-->NOT FOR LONG! Addie is as precious as ever and we have finally found the trick to her bowels and that means she can be on the same food as her brother and she is doing great. She has so much energy in the morning and we are convinced she has some boxer in her casue when she gets excited her puppy paws go flying!!! It is very cute--except when you are taking her up to the kennel with a full bucket of water and she runs into you--this has happened a few times and it has made for a less than happy mama!

Work has been ok. New exciting prospects on the horizon, which I won't get into until I hear something for sure. Let's just say that it would be a big deal and would require me to wear more fancy pants clothing on a regular basis . . . Doing a lot of respite care . . .glad I can be helpful to families and the kids.

Family stuff has been interesting. We have been having a lot of discussions, heated debates, and tears over future planning for my brother. The good thing is that we seem to be on the right road as far as some things my folks needed to see. Like being more accurate on his yearly plan about what he could and couldn't do. Little things like that are going far to have my folks trust me a bit more. We have also planned a trip to TX to see other bro in October and will be there for his birthday. We are all very excited and this will be DP's first trip to see the place in TX. Little Tyke starts kindergarten next week . .where does the time go. I can still remember leaving my job the day we got the call that we was being born and now he's trotting off to school and my bro is on the PTA!!!!! WHAT???

OK, well, I should get back to work. Hope this keeps you guys hanging in there with me. I am sure I will have lot of adventures to share from vacation and the time to share them! I even bought a few books yesterday to take with me!!!

Hope all is well in your corners! See you soon!!!