Tuesday, November 17, 2009

god damned swine

so while all the prisoners had their swine flue shots, our clients who are medically fragile haven't been able to get them.

one is in the hospital now . . .her parents took her off the ventilator tonight and she will probably die before tomorrow.

what the hell kind of sense does that make . ..some days god just pisses me the hell off!


***Update-->she passed away last night***

Monday, November 02, 2009

Southwest is kicking my ass

OK, so I am being sent to our satellite center in Massachusetts later this week and they have me going on Southwest. I don't know much about Southwest except this . . .they have weird seating arrangements, and they will tell fat people they need to buy another seat.

I am so worried about this trip and the pending seating issues that I didn't sleep well last night. I had a dream that the airline people stood there with score cards and took votes on your weight and then made you buy a new seat after strutting down the aisle in front of everyone. I called them last night and just checked in, and they said that if I was relatively ok on the Continental flight I should be ok. But then I had DP's butt to squish into . . .this time I am going with a co-worker--who I don't feel comfortable telling my fears to . . .she is a skinny mini and will have no problem. Which would be good if I knew we could sit together but they have weird seating rules. The flight out is not full at all right now--only 25% full as of last night. The flight home had only ten seats left. DP told me to go ahead and buy the other seat if I thought it would help ease my mind, but it doesn't . . .my co-workers all seem to think I will be fine. My ultimate fear is that I will get there and they will tell me I have to buy another seat and there won't BE another seat.

Oh well. DP says there's nothing I can do about it, and I know she is right. I wish the Internet didn't have so many horror stories about those who are "of size" and who have flown Southwest.

I am excited about the trip in general . . .I just need to get past this part.

I sort of joked that I was going to go to one of those body wrap places the night before and see if I can get a few inches off my butt.

Oh well . . .I will let you know how it goes.

Other stuff is fine . . .not much drama in my department which is nice for a change.

Hope all is well in your corners!

Sunday, October 04, 2009

A week I'd like to forget

Things have been very challenging for me to say the least over the last few weeks. The amount of time and energy I have been putting into my folks has been great . . .and very frustrating to say the least. The flood and then my father having to go to the hospital has been too much. I don't know what to do anymore to help them and I feel like I am waiting around for something horrible to happen to them, and at times I almost wish that would come sooner than later as I don't know how much longer I can handle the worrying. As a wise, wise social worker friend told me this week (thanks Friend!) you can't case manage your own family . . . I am so angry at them on so many levels that it feels at times like I will explode.

This week I did. It got to be too much and resorted to cutting again . . .something I haven't done in 6 years. I left therapy the other day and I was seething. Just so angry and I have never really been good at anger. When people in my life got angry, other people got hurt. So I decided long ago that getting angry at other people and letting them know it was not something I would do. I turned it all inward and at 12 began to cut. For me it was a way to feel . . when I was numb and needed the blood to remind me that I was still alive. A way to connect to myself and release some of that pressure that was building up inside. I don't expect others to understand this . . .I know it is not something most people can or want to understand. I used to hurt myself pretty badly and at times needed stitches, yet it wasn't about trying to end my life. I never remember feeling the pain of it all that I did to myself.

This was not true this week. I am not glad that I did it, but I am glad that not only did it hurt like hell, but it also gave me no relief what so ever. In fact for years I have been saying that if I ever went back to that I would be lost . . .I felt out of control during and afterwards as I wasn't sure how I could let myself get to that point again. I almost didn't do it as I knew my DP sees all of me and would know. As I drove around more I devised a story and decided I would do it in a place that I could say I fell or something. I didn't want to lie, but I was too far gone at that point in my head. Like a druggie looking to score I was blinded by the promise that my pain would soon end and I would be in control of my thoughts and feelings again. Little did I know that wasn't in the cards.

I came home and told DP and called shrinky dink. It was a rough day the next day and I am still off kilter. I need to find a way for anger to be appropriately expressed and know that I will not do to others what had been done to me in anger. In talking to DP she noted that in 7.5 years together she has never seen me angry. This, friends, is not ok. I need to be able to let this stuff go, and I also need the experience of being angry with others and not have them hurt me or leave. Shrinky dink say we will work harder on this, and that she will help.

In other news. . .This weekend I watched some kids yesterday and today went to church and did some yard work. We didn't go up to see the folks and it was best that way. Dad seems to be holding his own, and they have diagnosed him with gout. I guess he is in the clear of surgery right now and will be seeing a new doc tomorrow which will be good. This weekend I am in Atlantic City Thu-Saturday for a conference and then next weekend we will go up to see the folks on Sunday. The next weekend we go to TX to visit my brother and little tyke. I am excited about this trip.

In the meantime I am trying to be gentle with myself and not allow this to be the start of a downhill spiral. There's no need for that and I am on a hourly reminder system of that right now.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The end of my rope . .

Seems to be creeping up in regards to my family. I have a ton going on with them and I don't have the slightest idea of how to figure it all out . . .

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Tony Campolo Rocks The House

This is a professor I had in college . . .he spoke at my church this past weekend and I wasn't there. I just watched and felt like I wanted to share. Even if you aren't into the god thing, he has some good things to say .. .it gets better after 12-13 minutes . . .hang in there. His wife, Peggy, went to another church I went to for a while which is a welcoming and affirming church for gay and lesbian folk and their relationship was always very interesting and I felt better about him knowing she was around to keep him real. Oh well . .for what it is worth. Take a look.



Brian Jones - The Official Website Blog Tony Campolo Rocks The House

Guess what I did??

I read 4 books over vacation! I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but let me tell you it takes me a while to read books. I typically have a lot that I start and never finish. I went to Big Bookstore before vacation and looked at the buy one get one half off and chose a few. You might notice a theme to which my shrink was like, um, what's with that and I told her that it wasn't that unusual. Last years vacation I read a few on the same theme as well-not this years theme, but another which happened to be all about the day in the life of women in different professions--very interesting! The cool thing is I actually read a couple of novels which is not my genre of choice but I found them to be enjoyable! Take a look at what I read!

1. Better-A Surgeon's notes on performance-- I really liked this book written by a general surgeon about his work. He tackles a few issues including the changing world of health care, child birth, the medical role in the death penalty, and more. I liked that he seemed to do a good job of presenting both sides of an issue, all while illustrating it with stories of his own practice and experience. He has another book called Complications which I haven't read yet, but got at the same time. One of the things he talks about which I appreciated was about the advances in medicine and the struggle between using that technology to save people who will go on to have seriously diminished quality of life. Working with the children I do and the situations I have been in, it was great that he tackled some of that . . .whether you agree or not.

2. The Bufflehead Sisters-- This was a good novel, though I have to say that I sort of knew the ending about 3/4 of the way through. It was still entertaining enough for me to keep going and I read the whole book in about a day!

3. Tell me where it hurts-- This book is about a day in the life of a veterinary surgeon. Somewhat like Better, he addresses multiple issues and the book is a good mix of explanation of different procedures and historical context and personal stories. DP read the book and liked the stories better than the "blah blah boring stuff." It was cute I thought . . .and again, very easy no brainer book for all the animal livers out there.

4. But inside I am screaming -- I enjoyed this novel about an reporter who has a nervous breakdown and ends up in a psych ward to try and figure herself out. She struggles with the "i'm not like these crazy people" idea and the book follows her through this. I liked this book as I could relate having spent a good amount of my own life in similar situations.

Have you guys read any of these? Any other reviews of these that you would add?

Hope all is well in your parts. I am back to work tomorrow . . .I am well rested and ready for new adventures. I have some posts about some other things but they will have to wait for now!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Relaxing Queen

Vacation is going marvelously and again I am sad that I cannot be a professional vactioner . .

So far I have read two whole books--which is a huge accomplishment for me . . , had the dog neutered, took a tour of Lambeau Field, bought 20lbs of cheese for dirt cheap, and spent two glorious hours doing nothing but laying outside reading. We also went to Door County, WI where I was able to wander about these small quaint shops and dream of a day I can do more of this kind of stuff.

DP and I have made some decisions about some things we need to do when we get back home--mainly looking at the budget and the garden--I know two very different things but both important to be looked at. We realize that we have spent so much time working this summer that we have been most miserable and at times not so nice to each other. This is not how we want to be with each other and will work towards making some changes.

I think I am going to nap a bit this afternoon since the pups apparently have NO concept of the time change and have been up at 5:00am most the days we have been here so far. This, my friends, is NOT fun!
I will leave you with some pictures of our time so far . . . Enjoy and hope all is well in your parts!
The kids lying about . . .picture from lunch in Door, County. Below is another picture from where we stopped to have lunch, then from the field at Lambeau!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Vote for my friend if you would . . .

Hey there folks-

If you have a second, please vote for my friend and her husband's photography business. They are in the run to win a Best of Philly award . . . You do'nt need to live in the area to vote. Check it out below:

Weld Photography http://www.weldphotography.us/ has been nominated as Best of Philly at
My Fox Philly Hotlist. We are in 6th place out of 187 photographers.
It only takes a minute to vote and is super easy. To vote go to: http://myfoxphilly.cityvoter.com/weld-photography/biz/406714
One vote per e-mail address. Pass on the link to anyone you might know
that would take a sec to help out our company.