Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Ghosts of Ligaments Past

First off, thanks for all the very kind words about the weekend and my last post. The weekend went as well as could be expected, and mom was surprised and really liked her book. There were a few tense moments, but DP came to the rescue and I was VERY glad to be on the road home Saturday evening.

For those of you who don't know, I fell out of the garden last week--yes, I know, hard to do unless you are ME--as a result I have completely torn my ACL and will have reconstructive surgery next Friday. I am so not happy about this on a number of levels . . .mostly the level that will not allow me to drive for multiple weeks . . .since it is my right leg.

Secondly, I will receive a donor ligament . .yeah, like from a dead person. I keep having thoughts about the economy and people are cutting back on all sorts of things . . .so what if my surgeon takes the cheap way out and gets on on ebay or something, or on the clearance rack. I mean, there are clearance racks of sperm donors, so why not ACL's?? Not to mention DP keeps talking about my ligament coming with a ghost and what if the dogs sense that I have a foreign body part . ..will they bark at me or try to attack me??

Ugh . . .I think I would like to go spend some time with KJ and the Kids . . .she never ceases to crack me the hell up . . .and I think that would be good for my recover. In any case, I am free to whomever wants me since DP is leaving me high and dry after only a few days . . .it would involved slipping me some drugs occasionally and making sure I don't injure myself. Doesn't that sound like fun???

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Mother's Day

I have been feeling really down in the dumps lately, and then tearing my ACL on Monday evening did not help. I will have surgery in a few weeks and the timing on this could be better, but not the worst I suppose.

I was pondering mother's day tonight and shuttered. I couldn't understand why until I sat there for a moment and realized something. When things were at their worst with my brother's abuse, I was 12 and had hurt my knee and was in a long leg brace. I thought I was safe from whatever he'd do to me since I had this thing on my knee and how could he possibly do that, right? Well, he did and I remember lying there thinking nothing could be worse in my life.

That was right before Mother's Day weekend, and that weekend, on Mother's day was when I attempted to kill myself for the first time. He never abused me again after that . . .

Here I am, about 19 years later . .week before Mother's day, knee brace on again and I just feel overwhelmed . . lost . ..scared . . .little . . .hurting

I know things are soo sooo SOOOOO different right now, but Mother's day has always been a sore time for me, and this year will be no different. We will head up there on Friday to surprise mom as her birthday is Friday and mother's day is Sunday.

I feel like I am always trying to make up for that time that I was so selfish . . .and fear I will be trying for a long time since I always seem to mess it up somehow when I am around my mother. I am so angry for so many things, and she and I will never be in a place together to be able to make amends. She feels I should just get over what happened with my brother and move on. How do you just move on from that? I have tried and have done and AMAZING job, but there are times that bring you down so quickly you don't even know where they came from . . .

Maybe this year will be different. Maybe this year I will really be thankful for my mother.

She wasn't all bad . . .and she tried . . .and did the best with what she had.