Christmas time is here . . .Almost!

Well my day today so far has been excruciatingly boring, so I thought I would take some time to write to my fine following!! We had 13 inches of snow this weekend, and I am sure glad it happened over a weekend, as I would have likely have had to come to work if it weren't. Other folks in the Philly area got 23 inches of snow. Holy Crap that is a lot of snow. I am so glad that we decided to go in on a snow blower with our neighbors last year. It sure did come in handy and reduced our shoveling time by a LOT! See Riley not enjoying the blizzard condition!

This Christmas we will be at my folk’s house, and that should be ok. I have significantly limited the amount of time I have been spending there the last two months, so I am hoping for a good holiday. We will only be there 12/24-12/26. DP's sister is coming in from Minneapolis on Saturday--which also happens to be my birthday! She will be here for a week and that will be fun. We don’t have a ton planned, and I only work three days that week. This week I only work today and tomorrow!!!!

We have had lots of household plans to think about, the latest of which is whether or not to carpet the upstairs. There is hardwood up there now, but it is in bad shaped, and you can tell it was carpeted before. Perhaps they pulled it up to sell it. In any case, it is just getting annoying to see if looking so bad, and splintering our feet. Also, Addie's hips have been causing her more problems and so that is the only area of the house that is not carpeted with a rug. Since we can't afford to refinish/replace the wood, we decided to get carpet just in the upstairs, and a runner down the stairs. Hopefully this will help until we can afford to fix the floors properly--in like 10 years!! We posted on facebook that we were thinking of doing this, and who the hell knew people were such carpet haters!! I guess I understand if you have kids and pups in a high traffic area, but we figure in the bedroom and stairs we should be ok. AT least that's what we are telling ourselves. At the end of the day it is our house and we will decide . . .I think they will be measuring today and hopefully we can get it by next week.

We also had a contractor come out to let us know about a bunch of small things we need to get done--all things my brother or father in law could do, but seeing as how they all live so damn far away, we went to the next best thing. A friend's father!! I wish owning an old home didn't cost so much money! Oh well, we love our home and will do what we can, when we can.

Speaking of our home, we are having a birthday party for it in January. Our house will be 100 years old and we are taking the opportunity to have some folks over and celebrate. We were thinking of getting tiles and having folks decorate them and then we could make it into a table or something. We also thought the house would like to take a collection for a new stove. Ours is pretty bad, and we thought instead of having folks bring other stuff, we would just do that . . .hope that isn't tacky . . .

I guess that's it for now. I should get back to work. Or back to reading old leadership notes from 4 years ago. Really, I am bored and there's not much to do today. I have some meetings this afternoon, so that will be good. I will be taking on a new position as of January, so I suppose I oughta enjoy the quiet now!!
Hope you are all well in your corners!

Vacation

I am on vacation in a few days and it cannot come soon enough. This summer has been hellacious with work and the extra work we took on. It was clearly a lot to do and we are feeling the stress of not having any free time to really be with each other and not worry so much about not having any free time. We have managed to make use of our season tickets to the waterpark, but even that has been a lot with driving up there and having to then see my folks. . . usually all in one day becasue the nexty day we are working.

Things have been generally ok. I have been feeling very tired in the afternoons lately, and this has lead to checking in with the sleep study folks to see what might be happening with my sleep. I went for the first test and they said that even though the apneas were WAY better than last time five years ago, there's still enough present to make them want me to have a mask. He says if I keep losing weight it is likely that I won’t need it at all soon. I go back in a few weeks to have the second study done. I think the doc will also check me for Lymes as we have had many folks at work get it, and Addie was recently diagnosed with it as well.

I also had to start taking blood pressure medication. Now, I have had issues with medications since before when I was on too many psychotropics to keep track of. When I was finally able to come off of all meds a few years ago I sort of went the other way in that I don't want to take ANYTHING!!! But alas my BP had been a little high--like 130's/90's . . .for a while and she thought that since everyone else in my fam had high BP that it just might be a genetic thing. I canceled a few appts with her because I didn't want to discuss the issue. Then my bro who went on them a few years ago lost 40lbs and he has been able to come off of all of them. I am now taking a small dose of something or other and it seems to have given me an acceptable blood pressure for now. Cholesterol is excellent, so I guess that is good.

I am hanging in there with the weight loss. It has been so slow and up and down a few lbs on any given week. I am hoping the two weeks with DP's folks will help stabilize things as we generally eat very well there and walk a lot. I haven't gained and feel good that at least I am maintaining. I need to kick up the working out, but see paragraph one about not having time for anything and being very tired in the afternoons. I would like to try and see if I can find a place that I can do water aerobics. I think that would be great fun!

The pups are good, though Riley had a fight with his BFF Buergi this past week and since then they have been unable to be together. It is time for the big snip, and he will have that done while we are in Wisconsin. Folks have said we should be glad that they got along so well this long as they are both intact males-->NOT FOR LONG! Addie is as precious as ever and we have finally found the trick to her bowels and that means she can be on the same food as her brother and she is doing great. She has so much energy in the morning and we are convinced she has some boxer in her casue when she gets excited her puppy paws go flying!!! It is very cute--except when you are taking her up to the kennel with a full bucket of water and she runs into you--this has happened a few times and it has made for a less than happy mama!

Work has been ok. New exciting prospects on the horizon, which I won't get into until I hear something for sure. Let's just say that it would be a big deal and would require me to wear more fancy pants clothing on a regular basis . . . Doing a lot of respite care . . .glad I can be helpful to families and the kids.

Family stuff has been interesting. We have been having a lot of discussions, heated debates, and tears over future planning for my brother. The good thing is that we seem to be on the right road as far as some things my folks needed to see. Like being more accurate on his yearly plan about what he could and couldn't do. Little things like that are going far to have my folks trust me a bit more. We have also planned a trip to TX to see other bro in October and will be there for his birthday. We are all very excited and this will be DP's first trip to see the place in TX. Little Tyke starts kindergarten next week . .where does the time go. I can still remember leaving my job the day we got the call that we was being born and now he's trotting off to school and my bro is on the PTA!!!!! WHAT???

OK, well, I should get back to work. Hope this keeps you guys hanging in there with me. I am sure I will have lot of adventures to share from vacation and the time to share them! I even bought a few books yesterday to take with me!!!

Hope all is well in your corners! See you soon!!!

What a situation

There's a situation at work that is making me slightly ill.

We have a young man-23yrs- who has MR and brain damage due to a seizure disorder where he used to fall and hit is head all the time. His mother immigrated to the US from Jamaica when he was younger to give him a better chance at good docs and such. He ends up at our facility about 8 years ago. He had some serious behaviors like running away, hitting others, etc. He was very active--loves riding his bike, running around with the maintenance department, etc.

He also had very bad scoliosis that was affecting his breathing. The social worker got his home state to allow him to stay at our place post 21 until he had the surgery to fix his back since when he went back to his home state for adult programming he wouldn't have the insurance to pay for the surgery. TONS of hours of advocating for him lead him to the surgery. He has the surgery and the next day the cage that was holding his spine together popped and he is now a paraplegic. No feeling from the waist down. A year later he still asked when we will allow him to walk again . . .

So in the midst of this he is non-compliant with personal care--once being totally toilet trained he is now in diapers and doesn't like people to see him naked. He pulls out his catheter which has causes lesions that have become infected. He has injured a number of staff during his aggressive outbursts . . it goes on. He is a huge liability the agency says and they charge me with the tasks of making his home state take him back--citing that we said we'd keep him until the surgery was done and they could place him in home state.

They have nothing to meet his needs--mom isn't a good advocate . . and we send a discharge letter for the end of this month. They have nothing for him and as a result he will go to a state center. This makes me so sad on many levels. People here are burnt out because of him, and we are not an appropriate placement for him. But it makes me so sad when I tell them my concerns about where he is going and they say they don't care. I know they are frustrated, but this kid is bound for a life of being drugged up to assure compliance and I am saddened by the fact that people are just congratulating me for getting him moved.

He will go on Monday, and his mother told me the other day that she know I didn't care if he dies, as long as he got out of our place. This hurt--because I know in part that this is not right for him. I feel angry and upset about this . . .though I know I am fighting a losing battle . . .

These are the days that being a social worker and seeing the ills of the world suck big time. In reading Cheryl's blog about her experiences with school social work I know I am not alone in feeling like life is hitting us over the head faster than we can dole out resources--

GRRRRRR.And there are no other social workers where I work . .I work with all clinical behavior folks and today I tried to explain to my supervisor how I was feeling and she told me I was becoming too involved and that I needed to separate and know that this was not what was best for him. I told her I knew that but I still had feelings about it . . .

In other news things are shaking up a bit here at home and I am excited to see what is in store for us.

Hope you are all well in your corners of the world.

My update . . .

Ok, so I haven't officially fallen off the blogesphere, but I sure was close. Thanks to Lyn and Daisy for bringing me back to my senses. So, you may be asking yourself what on EARTH has that girl been up to . . .well, I am about to tell you, so hang on tight!

For starters I started my new job in January, and it is great. I mean, I finally feel like I love what I do, I am making a difference, and it is the right balance of having time to do my work, and to see co-workers, families, and kids. There's a group of us that has lunch together most days and it is nice to laugh and to know there are other folks out there doing similar things and experiencing similar struggles. This also means, of course, that I am actually GOING to work each day, and that took some adjusting, and still is a lot. I don't expect any sympathy, I am just sayin . . .also at work, we have had two kids die in the last month or so, and that has been extremely difficult.

Chronic pain . . .never thought if it really, until I realized that on any given day I was in enough pain to put me at a 6-7 on a scale of 1-10. It has taken a lot to work through the pain in my heel, and just in the last few weeks my other heel has decided that it wanted to hurt as well. Just walking to the other side of the room has been excruciating. I had to switch insurance companies when I changed jobs, and now the insurance I have doesn't allow me to see the guy I was seeing for a while without paying a LOT of money. I went to my family doc to get a referral for another foot guy, and she also gave me an anti inflammatory and a pain pill. I took the pain pill the first couple of nights last week, and it was enough to zonk me out, but not sleep at night so I had a few somewhat sleepless nights. However, the anti-inflammatory on the other hand has been amazing. So much so that there have been some parts of the day that I have little to no pain what-so-ever. I will still make an appointment to see the orthopedist, but I am glad to have some pain free time. Doc told me she was shocked at how flat my feet are and wonder if that doesn't have a significant impact on how I feel and my feet.

Speaking of how I feel, DP and I have been doing weight watchers, and I am down about 11.5 lbs in three weeks. The progress has been slow, but steady and I feel like we are on a much more manageable plan. In the past I have done extreme things and they lasted for a while, or I became totally obsessed. Right now there's a balance between eating well, and having some yummy stuff once in a while. We have been experimenting with different grocery stores in the area, including Trader Joes, Whole Foods, and other generic stores. We've always gone to the others at times, but we have been rotating and it is keeping things interesting.

Well, there's more, but I need to eat . . .stay tuned for some more tomorrow.

Hope all if well in your corners.

So I had a good day!

The days are getting better, and I feel like I at least have a handle on what I am supposed to be doing. I even got a call from the second in command to tell me I was doing a bang up job. I wondered to myself whether or not I could save those calls up and withdraw when he decides in a few months that I have really f-d up. Because I do know him and I know that is in the works at some point.

This weekend my brother and nephew are coming in for a visit. I am so excited to see them . . though this will be a real downer compared to Disney where they are coming from, but I am ok with that. We are going to my folks house to surprise them, since they haven't seen each other in over nine months. They think they are watching the dogs for the day!

Yeah, sometimes surprises are good. Bad days turn around. I realize that I just might know something worth sharing!

How I hope

. . .that the not knowing stuff gets easier. I feel so lost . . .

I have a saying on my desk that says "Most things are difficult before they are easy." This seems to be my mantra these days.

I need to be more gentle with myself, to remember that most people don't know it all, and that it is ok to say I don't know.

I need to find the confidence, and I need to do it soon. I will be successful, damn it. I will.

Change is in the air!

Much change is coming my way . . .from a job, to having to give up my active dislike of G.W, to welcoming a new president . . .I can hardly contain myself.

I officially end my job in the city today. I have finished with clients, and today I really only have a celebratory lunch, and changing of phone messages to say I am gone. It is all so very bittersweet as I have loved 90% of what I have been doing. I will miss the flexibility, the freedom, the families, and the connections I have made with other social workers. There is nothing like being in the presence of other social workers that know first hand what the work is about. It is not that others don't understand, but the feel and support of other social workers is amazing. The 8-4 life will be mine from now on . . .this will be a hard adjustment. Mostly for the puppies. . . yeah, for them really.

They haven't told me anything really about what the contractor role will be, so I don't know much about that. I start the new job on Tuesday--though I wish I could call out sick. I am sure they will not be watching the inauguration, so I am taping it on CNN and NBC. The energy around this change is palpable, and I am excited to see what America can become again. I am expecting that it will get worse before better, but I am ok with that.

I didn't watch any of W.'s speech last night . . .I also can't get the anti-Bush paraphernalia off my car . .they have been on there for over 5 years . . .good thing I need a new car by summer.

The new job has already started--and I realize I will need to be able to set limits, take criticism, and be more vocal about my ideas. All things that are very challenging for me. The awesome things is that therapy has been great lately, and we have been working on all of this. Now I just need to put things into perspective and not continue to feel like i need to do it perfectly.

Ok, ADD moment-I am watching TV while posting--I get so freaking emotional when watching the Biggest L*ser and there's the one person who is coming in dead last . . .and inevitably they all go out and help that person finish. . .way to help the fat kid. I wish I had someone to help me cross the finish line . . .

In other news--Riley has been very sick, though I think he has a bit more pep in his step today. After the kennel debacle, he had to go to the vet and was diagnosed with giardia, kennel cough, and eye funk. Over $300 later, he seems to be on the mend. This has officially become the most expensive vacation we have ever had!! I sure do love that little fellow though, and even though it's a lot of money, his face was pathetic. I know many of you have seen this picture already, but just for more sympathy, here is is again:

Until next time, I hope you are all staying warm out there!

And we're off . .almost

Tomorrow morning we leave for Wisconsin. We hear it is very cold there, and should make it all the way up to 6 degrees tomorrow when we arrive. This used to be a problem when I was reluctant to wear my winter coat. Mostly because I hated to sit down in my jacket as it would all push up and I would have a big bulge to deal with.

Well friends, I discovered something that apparently EVERYONE else in the world has known for years except me. Did YOU know that the double zipper on jackets was for you to zip UP in order to sit down? I never knew this, and since this discovery a few days ago my life has been transformed. I am no longer resistant to wear my winter coat. The cold weather is much more manageable now!

What else . . .I have been working a lot. I gave my official notice last Friday . . .and I have been doing a few hours each week at the new job in order to overlap with the current social workers. It has been good, but makes for long weeks.

I have a post inside of my head about being a social worker during the holiday season. Perhaps on Tuesday I will get that one out. Don't hold your breathe!!

If I am not back before the holiday, I wish all 4 of you a very happy, healthy, wondiferous holiday and new year.

Oh, in other news I will be another year older in a few days as well, and I am hoping old-agehood is good to me! Happy Birthday to me!

Hope all is well, and WARM in your parts.

Update-how's that for creative!`

Ok, so here goes-

1. I am still not feeling all that great, though I am a bit better. Surgery is scheduled for Monday afternoon, and should be a go unless I deteriorate quickly which is not likely. My parents are coming in tomorrow as the surgery is scheduled for the same time that I was to be at the airport getting my brother off the plane from his visit to see my other brother. DP will now go get him, and dad will go with me to the hospital. Having my parents here will be its own kind of stress, but they are fairly good caretakers in these types of situations . . .though if mom calls one more time to ask about food I will have to scream. Mom said she didn't want me to be stressed about the menu like I was last Christmas, and I reminded her that I wasn't stressed about it, but her daily calls to check on what we were having, what the plans were, was the shopping done . . .THAT is what was stressful! I told her this past week that I would have her a menu by this weekend, and she promptly called Wednesday and told me I had taken too long and she informed me of what the plan would be . . .hello, NOT THE WEEKEND MOTHER! Oh well. I am glad they are coming to help out. They were supposed to come Tuesday anyways, and they will leave Saturday.

2. As you may or may not know, I am currently working as a social worker in a grant funded position which was originally set to end funding in June, but they got an extension until the end of January. I have been wondering what was going to happen with me and a job as of January, and we met before my trip to San Diego and we agreed that I would start worrying at the end of November. Fast forward to last week when a friend that works at a place that I worked at for 6 years called and said there was a social work position available in their school and would I be interested in interviewing for it.

Now, a little background about this place. It is a residential facility and a school for children and adults who have autism, traumatic brain injury, developmental disabilities, etc. I started working there in 2000 and worked my way up in the course of 6 years. I was very well respected there, and left a very good impression on them. I enjoyed my time there, though at the end the last position I had was a bit rough-but I think that was because the program I was in was in its infancy and there was a lot of kinks to work out. Then I had to finish my masters and then there wasn't an appropriate position for me and I left. DP continued to work there for a bit after I left, and then she too left. Every time I went back, I would be constantly stopped by staff to ask how I was and to chat with me.

I went for an interview on Wednesday, and they offered me the job at the end asking me to let them know by Friday what I was going to do. I would be working in the school as a social worker--a lot of transition planning and family counseling. The money is good, and the hours would be 8-4 ish . . .no on call, no weekends unless I need to meet with visiting families. It is 16 minutes from my house, and in the middle of the country with horses and I can bring the dog. Yeah, this is a place where the two top in charge have dogs running around and it is not uncommon for dogs to be in classrooms and offices. I suggested they start a doggie day care and the vocational rooms could help run it and the CEO said that was a great idea . . .we'll see.

In any case, I accepted the position and will start full time in the middle of January. I then had to talk to my current supervisor about it-who started this whole thing when last Monday I asked her--"So, If a job happens to come my way, what would you suggest?" She told me that I should look into it. I took that as permission and reassurance that they really had nothing for me after January. She took the news well, and asked me if I would stay on as a contractor to keep the program going on a night/weekend basis for 8 hours a week. I will probably do this so at least I can still help out, and it is extra money for me.

I am excited about the opportunities that this new job can have. DP asked me if I was sorry that I took the job I have now, and I said absolutely NOT. I have learned so much in this job that I wouldn't trade for anything. I remember being so scared about doing home visits and working in the city with the population that I do, and now I am honored to have been in this situation. It will all be helpful--especially if they move me to the Director of Social Services role, which they talked about happening. Right now I would be the only SW so being a director now would be pointless, but they are looking to bring in a part time SW for the adults.

All very exciting. I am definitely feeling better knowing that I will have a steady job lined up, and that while the job itself will be new, the people there really respect me and are so glad to have me coming back.

I should get going--we have a very long list of things to do today, and a puppy play date at 1pm. What fun!

Oh, the weather outisde is . . .

BEAUTIFUL!! I want to live in a place where it is this temperature all the TIME!

The best is when I can wear shorts and a long sleeve shirt. I am happy as a clam when it is like that. When I don't sweat before I even step out of the shower . . .

Ok, so Lynilu has called me out, and I am here to give an update! Wish I could make it as exciting as Amy Poehler in SNL, but you will have to deal with just me . . .

Work has been good. I had a very important meeting today with a local educational place to try and sell myself and my program to them as a contract service. I felt really confident and I presented myself very well. I recognize that if they choose not to go with it, it has nothing to do with me myself--it has to do with them as a program. Important distinction!!! Made me realize how far I have come--and that I am going to be ok. My grant ends the end of January, and without promise of additional funds I will be unemployed. I am ok with that. I am working as hard as I can to be in a position to have other options for myself.

School is going--I am less excited about spending the amount of money I am to take this class, but it is a means to an end. I had to email the professor the other day as we discussed a case and the class kept talking about how crazy this family was, and how crazy the mom was. I couldn't believe that in a school of social work that she would allow such things to be said. I somewhat firmly believe that we are what we think--so if we think that people are crazy and view them that way, then are we really giving them a chance at being anything different? I recognize we all need to blow off steam, especially in this field, but I was feeling that was just not cool. Tonight we were talking about self injury, and people were being stupid with their comments--and I finally couldn't take any more and I raised my hand and I told them that I was a person who used to cut and do those things, and I am not weird--ok, well, maybe I am weird--but you know. Several people came to me afterwards and thanked me for putting a real face on the issue. Damn, and these people are going to be social workers . . .

The kids are good. Riley is growing like a weed, and Addie is holding her own. I have embraced the use of the outdoor kennel, and we haven't been issued a warning from animal control that our dogs are being a menace, so I assume they are behaving when we are gone. We put straw in their houses, and they both seem to like the kennel. Riley has started a new training place due to scheduling conflicts with the other place. He is really smart--even more so than his sister I feel. We won't tell her though.

My brother in Houston still has no power, though their house was mostly spared any damage. I think they have a few windows that need to be replaced, but other than that they are ok. I am going to visit them next month, and I sure hope they have electricity by then!! Not too much to ask. I am going to visit after I go to San Diego for work. It is quite a sacrifice I am making to go to CA for three days to present for 12 minutes. They asked me at work if I would mind going for them . . .um, let me think about it . . .NO!!! I am really excited and scared at the same time, but that's another post.

I hate--dislike very much-Jenny McCarthy . . .

Weird sightings today--a man on the corner of a major intersection doing crunches on the ground . . .mid day . . .just on the ground doing crunches.

Ok, no more. I have had to draw a line in the sand and cut back on some things. I realized that I was out most nights of the week and so I have had to allocate one night a week that I am home, nothing to do but watch TV in my pj's. I have cut back on my women's hometeam group and will only go every other week when I don't have my social work supervision group. That frees up one night a week. Important self care that is hard for me to do . . .growing all the time . . .

There you go . . .I will try and be slightly more regular in my attendance!

Week's Round-up Rant

We are finally back from the autism conference. I have to say, a week is far too long to talk about one thing and one thing only--especially when you aren't entirely passionate about it. Now, if it were a conference about puppies, or gardens, or pottery, I could get into that. But by mid week we were done. We did have some great conversations with some work folks, and had some good eats and shopping excursions while out and about in the "big" town.

I have a few observations that I would like to share--I apologize in advance for the harshness of some of the things I am about to say . . .

1. I had noted that at this conference, and elsewhere in the world of autism, it has become very important for people to qualify the severity, or mildness of their child's autism. For instance, one could overhear hundreds of times at the conference "My son, who has high functioning autism" or "My daughter, who has aspergers" BLAH BLAH BLAH. Never once did I hear "My son, who is severely impaired" or "My daughter who is extremely limited". I bring this up for the mere fact that if I were a parent of a child who was severely affected by autism--of which there must be many-- I would have felt very lonely and left out of this large event. I find this is true not only here, but in other arenas as well when it comes to autism. No one wants to have the child who can't toilet themselves, who rocks in the corner most days, who cannot be reached. I feel so bad for these parents, and the lack of support they must feel from their own community.

2. On this same vein, there is such a divide between those who feel it is ok to medicate their children, and those who think it is a cardinal sin. Again, why must parents be made to feel guilty for trying to do something that will help their children. I sat in a session where people went head to head on this issue-and in the end I felt as if they'd all lost sight of what was most important. The children they speak so eloquently about wanting to help. It is not helpful to them if a parent chooses to withhold something that may be beneficial. I know that is my view, and I do have a right to it. But why would you continue to allow you child to be anxious to the point that they are hurting themselves and others, simply because you don't want to medicate them? I get that there are risks, and that it isn't for everyone--and I am in NO WAY advocating for a blanket mass medication of the autistics. But I am saying it shouldn't be ruled out as well.

3. There are parents who spend every last minute of every last day fighting so very hard to be sure their child has hours and hours a week of services. They view the professionals as people they must battle with-uncaring and horrible people. Yes, this was actually said by some that we as professionals are uncaring and lack professionalism and understanding--because if we cared, we would give into every whim of these parents, even if what they are asking for is not in the best interest of their child. More is not always better-and people, just because you want 60 hours a week of therapy for your child doesn't mean it will happen. Perhaps what you are looking for is a way to feel better about the circumstances you are in. Save the child from the mass quantities of therapy and get a counselor yourself. It will be better for both you and your child.
Again, I feel for the parents who are doing the best they can--who don't care to spend every waking moment fighting this-their child, their children's team, their programs. They recognize that there is balance in everything, but I imagine they could also feel bad that they aren't like those who are a bit more "passionate" about their cause.

4. Inclusion at any costs sucks-really really sucks. There are some parents who feel their child should be included with typical peers, even when it means they will miss out on more intensive therapies and work in a more specialized setting. For instance--this child doesn't have autism, but another disability. The child will be going into 4th grade this month, and is very limited. The parents have fought and fought for this child to be included in a regular classroom, and so they're are educated besides typically developing peers with an aide--who is constantly changing no doubt due to the intensity of this child and how difficult it must be. They also are quite behavioral and often require interventions to keep them on tasks that are distracting to the other children and not pleasant for them either. I would also venture to say that most times any kind of demand is placed on them, there is a behavioral outburst. This is not fair to the child-or the other children. I get that these parents feel this child SHOULD be included with their peers, but I wonder often how much further along the child would be had they had the opportunity for more intense attention to their needs. Transition planning starts at 14 in PA, which means that the focus of school turns to vocational training if a child is not really keeping up educationally. I just find it sad to think of what could have been if the parents even tried seeing how the child would have done in a more specialized setting. Would they be able to talk and communicate more? Would they be less frustrated by the demands that clearly cannot be managed in this setting? Would the child welcome the opportunity to slow down a bit and be with others like them? I don't know the answers--and clearly it is very easy for me to say all this from my post-not having a child in this situation. I have another family I know--they have a very healthy outlook on it all-- it seems, I guess I could be wrong also, but we have had very candid conversations about this. They recognize that it is what is in their child's best interest that is best. They are able to look at the needs from a variety of angles and make decisions that honor who that child is-right then and there--not who they wish that child was or could be ten years from now. But what will be in their best interest right now. It is refreshing, and I know not easy for them to deal with the pressures put on them from others who believe in inclusion at any cost. I say be included in other areas--church, community, libraries, parks. Give these kids a chance. Maybe for some that means inclusion in typical classrooms, maybe for some it is a more specialized setting. I don't have the answers, I just with we'd all get back to the core--the whole child.

I think that is it. Sorry that ended up being somewhat of a rant, but it is hard to watch sometimes. All these parents and professionals who have the power to move mountains, but because they can't agree on how to do, when to do it, and how often to do it--they end up spending so much energy on that, and forgetting what is most important. The child, and allowing that child to be a child-first and foremost.

I wish I had the magic wand to make this all better for these folks. But I don't. In the meantime, I will keep an open ear, and try and help them come to know what is right for their child, their family, and their hearts.

Autism, Autism, Autism

We are off tomorrow to the week long autism conference at Penn State. I went a few years ago as a presenter, but this year we are both just attending. Of course DP didn't register in time-like I clearly prompted her a million times to do--so hopefully she doesn't get stuck listening to something crappy all week. I thought it was a secret ploy to not have to leave the room and have her nose in a book all week, but she vehemently denies this!

Things have been ok. Addie is doing well, and seems to be adjusting well to a new food-simply duck and rice. Supposed to be good for dogs with IBD-which is what she probably has. We are so ready to meet Riley, and found out yesterday he weighs in at a hefty 15lbs. He is just 9 weeks old!

I am hanging in there-ready for a therapy break for a few weeks. I will see her once while we are back, and then not for a few weeks.

I had lunch today with the woman that I served with at Kid's Camp, and she was very cool with the whole gay thing. It was a very fun lunch! I am thankful that I pursued meeting with her despite my anxiety about how she would react.

Posting could be sparse over the next few weeks as we are away this week, come back for a few days, and then are off to Wisconsin for two weeks.

I have another post, but I will save it for tomorrow. Hope all is well in your corners!

Freaky Friday

Ok, so there's nothing really freaky about today, I just needed a title, and the creative juices are quite limited these days.

I have been around. Work was busy this week, as I had 4 new referrals and a bunch of meetings. I still haven't heard from the job I interviewed at, but that is ok. The more I think about it, the more I feel it wouldn't really be a good match--though it would be great place to work for, I think they want things I don't feel comfortable delivering-like research and things I don't have any clue about. I think I know I want to at least finish pursuing my clinical license which I wouldn't be able to do there. I am staying put until something better comes around. I still have two irons in the fire as possibilities, but I am just laying low.

I have been looking into being a respite care provider for special needs kids, and I have been going through the process to to this. Last night we had our home study, which while very informal, was a little daunting. At the end, we wondered how many people would allow their kids to come stay in a lesbian household. It will be interesting to see how that all pans out.

Therapy is still going very well, but hard. I am looking forward to a break when we go away in August. Enough said about that for now. I start the group for women with PCOS tomorrow and I am looking forward to that.

Meanwhile, DP and I found a very peculiar bug on our tomatoes today, and it looked something like this. Now, I implore you to google "horn worm" and look at the disgusting pictures that come up. Just looking for this picture was enough to make me want to vomit--especially the ones that have wasp larvae on them. GAG me now. I suppose at some point we will need to go out and search for more since they seem to be eating at our tomatoes. Filthy bastards . . .


On another note, we have these beautiful flowers growing in our backyard. I shall leave you with this image--one much more pleasing to the eye . . .

Interview

I had my interview this morning . . .I think it went well. It is for a position managing a HUGE research project taking place in the large city nearby. It sounds like a crazy intense job with lots of fast paced tasks and projects, but I found myself really excited by the things they were describing.

First let me digress. When it is time to go Christmas shopping, and I have to go to the very large mall nearby, I go with the premise that if God wants me to be shopping that day, he will provide an adequate parking arrangement. If I get there and the parking sucks, I take it as a sign that I am not supposed to be there. What in the HECK does Christmas shopping and parking have to do with today? Well, I got to the building in the big city, and you would not believe it, but there was a parking space RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BUILDING!! How is that for knowing you are supposed to be someplace . . .I didn't get sweaty, and even found a bathroom to use before going up. We were already off to a swell start!!!

Ok, then I get there and I guess he had on his calendar that I was supposed to be meeting with him next Friday . . um, that's a holiday. He makes time to see me, though he send me with another research coordinator to talk for a bit before he can free me up to meet. She is very nice, and if I got the job, I would share an office with her. The job entails managing all aspects of this large project. I would deal with IRB stuff, families, schools, etc. All looking at services to children with autism. It sounds like a very high level job, and I am flattered that he contacted me about it. It would surely be a step up, and also a step in a new direction for me.

I have been working toward my clinical social work license, and it was made evident that there really wouldn't be the opportunity to do clinical work in this position, and in fact could damage the integrity of the project if I get too clinically involved. If offered the position, I would need to decide if abandoning clinical licensure right now is feasible as there are time lines that you have to have hours done by, and I already have about 1/3 of the hours needed. I need to do more research on how long I have to finish the mandated hours.

In any case, I felt they were very engaging, and they appeared to like what I have to say. They asked about my managerial style-as I would be supervising research assistants. Overall, it was good interview. The only sticking point was they want someone who can start right away--or they said if they found the right person they would maybe wait until August.

I have a vacation planned in August and besides probably having to take it with no pay, it sounds like it would be very bad timing. Though DP told me that if they wanted me bad enough, they would make it work. Even though I haven't been offered a job yet, I anticipate that leaving my current job will be challenging, especially if on shorter notice than I would like. Someone told me it has been a long time since someone left their job there. Some people have tried to resign, and they pulled strings to keep them there. We will see.

I guess that's all. I wanted to let all of you know that I had a helper today with this post. She was making sure I maintained the integrity of my post . . .take a look. Happy Friday!!

Wish me luck

I have my job interview tomorrow at the big university. I am excited, and nervous, and elated all at the same time. I so want to find a job that makes me feel like I am . . .um, I don't know. I want to feel good about what I do. I don't need 100%, but even 80% would be fantastic.

It is supposed to be 90 degrees tomorrow, so I am NOT looking forward to wearing pants, but it is at 9:30am, so hopefully it won't be too hot then.

I have more to post about, and a garden update, but it is late and I want to read some of the research articles by the guy I am meeting with.

Until then-sweet dreams friends.

What I have been up to!

Well folks--I thought I should get around to writing since my readership is soaring, and there's no better time that in the sweltering heat of the day. Temperatures here today have topped out so far at 99 degrees, and that's just way too damn hot for me. I am just saying. I not one of those folks who waits all winter for warmer weather--I hate sweating and feeling sticky and yucky. I don't let anyone near me unless I am not sweaty and sticky, and that makes for a lot of time apart from those that I love in the heat.

In any case, I have some things to share from the archives of my brain. I am not feeling well today--could be a multitude of things--got my period (third month in a row--what the heck is up with that??), I am tired, it is hot, I am bored with my job, I don't know what to talk about in therapy today . . .see, any number of things. I came home early from work today and corralled all the critters in the bedroom for an air conditioned nap. It went well, though I can't say I feel better. I could also legitimately in fact have something wrong. Who knows.

OK, on to better things. I will, in true beanie fashion give you a bulleted update on my life over the last few weeks. Sit back, relax, keep all hands inside the vehicle . . .

Now, in no particular order . . .

1. We went kayaking yesterday which was so absolutely fun. I must have reiterated how much I loved kayaking about a million times throughout the day. Even after I fell out of the boat... I love kayaking. Yes, it's true. I fell out. I was trying to avoid an oncoming tree limb, and I thought rather than back paddle, I would just duck . . .well, that's easier thought than executed, see when you duck in a kayak you off center yourself and the next thing you know your loved ones are laughing at you, and more worried about the location of the water bottle I was carrying. In all seriousness, I was a lot calmer about the situation that one would have thought given my flare for the dramatic. A nice man came and helped get me back in--since said loved ones just looked at me from afar snickering ;)

2. SIL was visiting this weekend--well, she was herefor work and we were volunteering for the event, Quash-->Check it out. It was like a city wide scavenger hunt type thing. It was good fun, for a good organization. Heck, the rate my father is going I will need the services of the organization soon.

3. My sweet, dearest little friend K. and her sister were in their aunt's wedding last weekend and DP and I went to help out. They both just looked so precious, and I just love being around them-and their family. I am glad we could help out and make the day at least a little bit less stressful for all. K, by the way, is kicking that leukemia right out of her, and doing great. Some rocky times at points, but all in all she is holding her own and has managed to stay out of the hospital for a while now. Keep the prayers and thoughts going her way. Oh, and mom and dad might need some thoughts as they recently adopted two kittens for the girls.

4. Work has been work. Nothing terribly exciting. I have decided to start poking my head around to some other potential job opportunities. I was actually contacted by the director of a program at a major local university asking if I would be interested in applying for a senior research position. Not exactly what I was looking for, but has parts that are appealing. It is a grant funded position, but they have guaranteed funding for 4 years, and he told me that he has a great track record of getting funding. I have also sent my resume to the local children's hospital for consideration in their newly opened research center for autism. I am hoping they have something that will be more clinical than research, but I am open to something new. The idea of being able to take a train to work is really good right now. Took me $45 to fill up my Saturn today . . .too much.

5. We have started to go to obedience school with Addie. She had one session and I don't think she particularly likes the new schooling opportunity. We worked with her one night last week and she got herself all worked up that she threw up. We hope tomorrow will go well, though it is going to be hot as all get out again and the training takes place in this opened warehouse/garage thing. Luckily it is DP's turn to work with her. The class is 8 weeks and we will trade off each week on who actually handles her, and the other will watch.

6. We love our neighbors. They are just so nice and we couldn't ask for better ones--did I also mention that they have a pool? Yes, they do and they are very open to us using it whenever we want. I have to say though, their daughter came over Sunday and we had grand plans to use the pool, and she had to go be all up in it. The nerve. So we didn't go in. We did buy a wading pool for Addie--she seemed to like it-though we had to "help" her like it.

7. I saw James Taylor last weekend and it was fabulous. I went with one of my bestest friends, and we had a good time. She thought we had lawn seats, and we got there super early and scoped out a great seat. So then I am looking at the tickets again, and it turns out that we had actual seats and didn't know it. It was good fun. And guess what??? I am going again this weekend to see him at the Borgota in Atlantic City with our friend RHB . . .those seats are in the second row--SECOND ROW!!???!! I think I might pee myself being that close. The venue itself isn't that big-so I am very excited.

8. Weight loss update-->there is no weight loss. There was some gainage over the holiday weekend, but I am back to where I was before-which is still the lowest I have been. I have been trying to do better, but it just seems that I can never get it right. I will be starting to go to a PCOS support/therapy group starting in July which is run by a nutritionist that I used to see, and some therapist lady. It will be good I think to talk with others who have having food and PCOS issues.

9. I have a boy that is in love with me . . .he is 4 years old. He just loves me very very much, and asks for me a lot--so much so that he drives his mother crazy. He looks at me with googley eyes, and asks when I am going to come back. He is so stinking cute. His little sister is very advanced for her age. It is fun to be around typical kids sometimes--reminds me that not all kids are autistic and so needy.

Um, I guess that's is for right now. I hope all is well in your corners!!

Update

I am alive, really. It has been a long week or so, and I have been neglectful of my blogging duties.

Work has been stressing me out, and I have had to look long and hard at what I am doing, what I want to be doing, and how to find a middle ground with my career. There is a small light that appeared today in the form of a possible employment opportunity which I am excited about exploring, but even in the excitement I feel afraid and fearful that I am doing the wrong thing, and I tend to feel that I am obligated to a position forever. I know it is not like they can't find another social worker, but I just feel like I could be leaving them high and dry. I know, I know, but it feels different since they recruited me and have been building this program around me right now. I know it is not my responsibility to be sure this program makes it. I can only do so much, and I am realizing that. My sanity cannot suffer, and I am slowly falling into feelings that I left a while back and never want to go back to again. I need to stick up for myself. I need to feel good about what I am doing day in and day out.

I need something stable . . .I need to know I have a place to go and a job that will not run out--I mean I know that any job can run out, but I am not handling the ambiguity and unknowns as well as I thought. I am sooooo grateful for the opportunities that I have here, but I know I can't do this long term.

Life is ok. I had a hard time today after listening to a church sermon from this weekend, and called one of my church ladies and told her that I was leaving based on what I heard. I think we are working it out, but I am feeling all sorts of conflicted about some things, and really am questioning myself and trying to protect myself. It hurts to have this part of me feel so unsettled--especially since I have been growing closer and closer to myself and god lately.

I have been able to connect lately with an old friend . .and not that she is old, but you know. She and I have had lunch a few times, and I am reminded why this person is so valuable to me and why I love our friendship.

Oh, on a happy note, we have decided that the new pup will be a boy-- after getting lots of opinions about having same sexed dogs and what was better. His name will be Riley, and he should be born on or around May 24. We will go get him the second week of August. We also have a mommy bird who has taken up residence in our rose bush. I hope the babies don't fall out when they hatch, cause it will be really ouchy. Perhaps that's her version of barbed wire to protect her babies. We peek in at her daily to say hi, though yesterday she scared the heck out of my by flying out just as I was about to peer in. There are 3 eggs in the nest.

Also, today is DP and I's 6th anniversary together. We celebrated by going to a nice restaurant that we had been given a gift certificate to, and going to Rita's Water Ice for dessert. It was great fun!

Maybe more in a few days.

Today

Was harder than I thought. I was so determined yesterday, and it wasn't a bad day. Just confusing.

I got very close to work today and just started sobbing in the car. Don't know why really. I know I am confused about work and what I should be doing with my career, but I am not sure what the tears were about. More tears on the way to group tonight . . .just sobbing. I need to stop crying and driving . . .

Change is hard sometimes, and it means that things need to be stirred up a bit before they can come out looking different I guess.

I appreciate everyone's comments on my last post. I am glad I can be inspiring . . .I do know how hard life can be when much time is spent hating and loathing. The freedom I have now in this emerging life is almost too much to bear sometimes, but I will take that any day over the days of such struggle and pain.

In other news, it appears that we have spotted growth in the garden, which serious made me giggle today. I am so excited about the prospects of eating real home grown food. I will take a picture soon to share.

Ok, off to bed now. The eyes are soooo sleepy since the waterworks show played twice today.

Venting

OK, thus far I have loved my job. I still love the job I do, but I am, however, very frustrated with something that has been happening.

I am required to have supervision toward my LCSW . . .8 hours a month to be exact if I want to count 40 hours a week of work. I am currently receiving 2-4.5 hours monthly depending on the sibling group I co-facilitate. I do that in exchange for a few hours for supervision. This is not a requirement for me to have my job, but rather for me t move toward my clinical license.

Well, when I was in the job for a few weeks I decided to email my supervisor to see if she knew of anyone in the agency who could supervise me. She did not and forwarded to to the head cheese of my agency. She then told me that the second head cheese of the parent agency wanted to meet me, he was a social worker and was very excited to meet me. They would take me to lunch and we would talk about supervision possibilities. We had a great lunch and he said he would get back to me. Now, he is the second in charge of a large agency . . .not someone that just anyone gets to go out with.

So then at a recent event, he introduces me to someone who he thinks might be able to supervise. She is an LCSW and works in a welfare to work program with folks who have significant mental illness. She told me she'd be willing to supervise me if I gave her some hours in her program. Now, normally this would be ok. However, I don't have the time she wants me to "give". My supervisor basically said no, and I have not one bit of interest in her program.

Yesterday I got an email saying someone had been identified-meaning the woman in the Welfare to work program, and I went to the head cheese of my agency and said, well, thanks, but I don' t think it is going to work, I would like to find someone who is in the line of work I am doing and I think what she is doing and what I am doing are not similar. She encouraged me to think that is wasn't as dissimilar as I thought . . .I talked to my supervisor and she suggested that I let things go for now and just see what happens. She said welcome to the politics of the agency.

Today I get an email from second head cheese from other agency asking me to call him tomorrow as he wants to discuss. He feels the lady would be a great fit and sure I could wait and see if someone doing similar work is available, but this is what he has for now. Then, here's the kicker, I get an email from head cheese of my agency to the effect of "second head cheese is NOT happy. I suggest you seriously consider making this work with this lady".

OK, so is it me, or does it sounds like I am being bullied into making this work. The thing is, I don't NEED the supervision to do the job I am doing. I simply inquired about the availability of someone and now I feel like I am being forced into something I don't want to do. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I emailed my supervisor and asked her what I should do . . .The other part of this is that my position is grant funded, and as of June 30 I technically don't have a job if the grant doesn't get refunded, so I don't want to piss people off either.

Damn it, see what happens when I try and get my needs met . . .now I am in this mess and I want out. Hell, I will sell toes to get money for supervision, but I don't want this and I don't want to get supervision for the heck of getting it with just anyone. I want it to mean something and be beneficial. I know I could be more open to the other program, but seriously I have no interest in it and said I never wanted to work in mental health like that. I am my own basket case, much less working with others with those issues.

I just feel very angry that I feel like this is something I will have to do since I put it out there. I already still feel like despite loving the job I do, and the supervisor and immediate co-workers I have, I don't get the sense that anyone else at the agency really likes me. This is hard because I have always been very well respected and liked. Maybe it is just the place, maybe they just don't know what to do with such a fabulous person . . .

Thanks for letting me vent.

Oh, and Jenster, I had to laugh my ass off at your posting about Jill. I am sorry she has caused such discord in your marriage, and your reasons for disliking her are very valid. You articulated your point very well and I sure do hope if and when the time comes for me to have my own "Jill" that is doesn't cause so much angst. Hehe, thanks for sharing that with me.

Random thoughts . .

OK, so I am jumbled today and so I thought I would let you know about the randomness going on in my head about my latest activities and such . . .

1. I am now triple checking to be sure I am posting on the right blog . . .
   
2. I am feeling much better today, though my nose is still all cracked from blowing it so much. OUCH! I had to give in and use the lotion-y issues my DP got me. Thanks!
3. I took the train to work today and was feeling very directionally challenged. I thought I could get the broad street line right from Market East, which apparently you cannot, and people were telling me to go this way and that way and by the time I gt to the conference I was a sweaty mess ready to cry . . .45 minutes after I got off the first train . . .
   
4. I almost cried this morning-I have been on the verge of tears for a few days-not sure why-->(though I should have gotten my period and I haven't . . .first time since off the pill that I haven't gotten it. I thought I was going to be a normal girl for a chance), but I have kept it together, but this morning was challenging. It turns out I should have just gone to my normal stop and walked a few blocks and I would have been there. I hate feeling like I don't know where I am.
5. Went to a conference today and it was very interesting . ..talked about the racial disparities in low birth weight babies . . .I was asked to go by the folks I work with-mostly nurses. I met some people and it was very interesting. Tomorrow is a seminar on autism interventions/assessments. Close to home so I can sleep in a bit and drive there.
6. Had a meeting tonight at my church. They are gathering with women to talk about what kinds of things women might be interested in as far as outreach, ministry, activities, fun, etc. It was great to met some new people and I look forward to getting to know them.
7. My cousin had gastric bypass surgery, and while visiting her this weekend my mother proclaimed that she and I should get this done together. I have so many things to say about this, and it is too late to say them now, but I needed to get that out. I know this is not something I should be thinking about obsessively, but I am and I can't seem to get the vision of my once fluffy cousin turned skinny out of my head.
8. I have an official bio on the website of the place I work. Of course I cannot share that, cause then y'all would know who I was and that would be very, very bad! But it is neato anyways!
9. While visiting a health center last week for work-I was observing the clinic-, one of the np's told me-matter of factly that I had rosacia, bad acne, and needed to lose weight. She gave me a script for this lotion stuff-two actually and I used them for about two days when I stopped. Why did I stop you ask? Well, my face got all red and bumpy and itchy. Then it sort of turned leathery. Today was the first day it did not itch horribly and burn. I ditched the potions and went back to the Aveda All Sensitive . . .I should have known better as I have a history of reacting this way to things on my face, but my face was breaking out horribly and I was feeling some type of way about that.
   
10. hmm, I guess that is it. I have therapy tomorrow. That has been going relatively well, except she keeps going away and that has caused some breaks in sessions and I feel like we start over each time we have a break . . .it is getting better, but I wish she'd stay put. Doesn't she know I have issues?

Night-until tomorrow!