Mother's Day

I have been feeling really down in the dumps lately, and then tearing my ACL on Monday evening did not help. I will have surgery in a few weeks and the timing on this could be better, but not the worst I suppose.

I was pondering mother's day tonight and shuttered. I couldn't understand why until I sat there for a moment and realized something. When things were at their worst with my brother's abuse, I was 12 and had hurt my knee and was in a long leg brace. I thought I was safe from whatever he'd do to me since I had this thing on my knee and how could he possibly do that, right? Well, he did and I remember lying there thinking nothing could be worse in my life.

That was right before Mother's Day weekend, and that weekend, on Mother's day was when I attempted to kill myself for the first time. He never abused me again after that . . .

Here I am, about 19 years later . .week before Mother's day, knee brace on again and I just feel overwhelmed . . lost . ..scared . . .little . . .hurting

I know things are soo sooo SOOOOO different right now, but Mother's day has always been a sore time for me, and this year will be no different. We will head up there on Friday to surprise mom as her birthday is Friday and mother's day is Sunday.

I feel like I am always trying to make up for that time that I was so selfish . . .and fear I will be trying for a long time since I always seem to mess it up somehow when I am around my mother. I am so angry for so many things, and she and I will never be in a place together to be able to make amends. She feels I should just get over what happened with my brother and move on. How do you just move on from that? I have tried and have done and AMAZING job, but there are times that bring you down so quickly you don't even know where they came from . . .

Maybe this year will be different. Maybe this year I will really be thankful for my mother.

She wasn't all bad . . .and she tried . . .and did the best with what she had.

A week I'd like to forget

Things have been very challenging for me to say the least over the last few weeks. The amount of time and energy I have been putting into my folks has been great . . .and very frustrating to say the least. The flood and then my father having to go to the hospital has been too much. I don't know what to do anymore to help them and I feel like I am waiting around for something horrible to happen to them, and at times I almost wish that would come sooner than later as I don't know how much longer I can handle the worrying. As a wise, wise social worker friend told me this week (thanks Friend!) you can't case manage your own family . . . I am so angry at them on so many levels that it feels at times like I will explode.

This week I did. It got to be too much and resorted to cutting again . . .something I haven't done in 6 years. I left therapy the other day and I was seething. Just so angry and I have never really been good at anger. When people in my life got angry, other people got hurt. So I decided long ago that getting angry at other people and letting them know it was not something I would do. I turned it all inward and at 12 began to cut. For me it was a way to feel . . when I was numb and needed the blood to remind me that I was still alive. A way to connect to myself and release some of that pressure that was building up inside. I don't expect others to understand this . . .I know it is not something most people can or want to understand. I used to hurt myself pretty badly and at times needed stitches, yet it wasn't about trying to end my life. I never remember feeling the pain of it all that I did to myself.

This was not true this week. I am not glad that I did it, but I am glad that not only did it hurt like hell, but it also gave me no relief what so ever. In fact for years I have been saying that if I ever went back to that I would be lost . . .I felt out of control during and afterwards as I wasn't sure how I could let myself get to that point again. I almost didn't do it as I knew my DP sees all of me and would know. As I drove around more I devised a story and decided I would do it in a place that I could say I fell or something. I didn't want to lie, but I was too far gone at that point in my head. Like a druggie looking to score I was blinded by the promise that my pain would soon end and I would be in control of my thoughts and feelings again. Little did I know that wasn't in the cards.

I came home and told DP and called shrinky dink. It was a rough day the next day and I am still off kilter. I need to find a way for anger to be appropriately expressed and know that I will not do to others what had been done to me in anger. In talking to DP she noted that in 7.5 years together she has never seen me angry. This, friends, is not ok. I need to be able to let this stuff go, and I also need the experience of being angry with others and not have them hurt me or leave. Shrinky dink say we will work harder on this, and that she will help.

In other news. . .This weekend I watched some kids yesterday and today went to church and did some yard work. We didn't go up to see the folks and it was best that way. Dad seems to be holding his own, and they have diagnosed him with gout. I guess he is in the clear of surgery right now and will be seeing a new doc tomorrow which will be good. This weekend I am in Atlantic City Thu-Saturday for a conference and then next weekend we will go up to see the folks on Sunday. The next weekend we go to TX to visit my brother and little tyke. I am excited about this trip.

In the meantime I am trying to be gentle with myself and not allow this to be the start of a downhill spiral. There's no need for that and I am on a hourly reminder system of that right now.

The end of my rope . .

Seems to be creeping up in regards to my family. I have a ton going on with them and I don't have the slightest idea of how to figure it all out . . .

Vacation

I am on vacation in a few days and it cannot come soon enough. This summer has been hellacious with work and the extra work we took on. It was clearly a lot to do and we are feeling the stress of not having any free time to really be with each other and not worry so much about not having any free time. We have managed to make use of our season tickets to the waterpark, but even that has been a lot with driving up there and having to then see my folks. . . usually all in one day becasue the nexty day we are working.

Things have been generally ok. I have been feeling very tired in the afternoons lately, and this has lead to checking in with the sleep study folks to see what might be happening with my sleep. I went for the first test and they said that even though the apneas were WAY better than last time five years ago, there's still enough present to make them want me to have a mask. He says if I keep losing weight it is likely that I won’t need it at all soon. I go back in a few weeks to have the second study done. I think the doc will also check me for Lymes as we have had many folks at work get it, and Addie was recently diagnosed with it as well.

I also had to start taking blood pressure medication. Now, I have had issues with medications since before when I was on too many psychotropics to keep track of. When I was finally able to come off of all meds a few years ago I sort of went the other way in that I don't want to take ANYTHING!!! But alas my BP had been a little high--like 130's/90's . . .for a while and she thought that since everyone else in my fam had high BP that it just might be a genetic thing. I canceled a few appts with her because I didn't want to discuss the issue. Then my bro who went on them a few years ago lost 40lbs and he has been able to come off of all of them. I am now taking a small dose of something or other and it seems to have given me an acceptable blood pressure for now. Cholesterol is excellent, so I guess that is good.

I am hanging in there with the weight loss. It has been so slow and up and down a few lbs on any given week. I am hoping the two weeks with DP's folks will help stabilize things as we generally eat very well there and walk a lot. I haven't gained and feel good that at least I am maintaining. I need to kick up the working out, but see paragraph one about not having time for anything and being very tired in the afternoons. I would like to try and see if I can find a place that I can do water aerobics. I think that would be great fun!

The pups are good, though Riley had a fight with his BFF Buergi this past week and since then they have been unable to be together. It is time for the big snip, and he will have that done while we are in Wisconsin. Folks have said we should be glad that they got along so well this long as they are both intact males-->NOT FOR LONG! Addie is as precious as ever and we have finally found the trick to her bowels and that means she can be on the same food as her brother and she is doing great. She has so much energy in the morning and we are convinced she has some boxer in her casue when she gets excited her puppy paws go flying!!! It is very cute--except when you are taking her up to the kennel with a full bucket of water and she runs into you--this has happened a few times and it has made for a less than happy mama!

Work has been ok. New exciting prospects on the horizon, which I won't get into until I hear something for sure. Let's just say that it would be a big deal and would require me to wear more fancy pants clothing on a regular basis . . . Doing a lot of respite care . . .glad I can be helpful to families and the kids.

Family stuff has been interesting. We have been having a lot of discussions, heated debates, and tears over future planning for my brother. The good thing is that we seem to be on the right road as far as some things my folks needed to see. Like being more accurate on his yearly plan about what he could and couldn't do. Little things like that are going far to have my folks trust me a bit more. We have also planned a trip to TX to see other bro in October and will be there for his birthday. We are all very excited and this will be DP's first trip to see the place in TX. Little Tyke starts kindergarten next week . .where does the time go. I can still remember leaving my job the day we got the call that we was being born and now he's trotting off to school and my bro is on the PTA!!!!! WHAT???

OK, well, I should get back to work. Hope this keeps you guys hanging in there with me. I am sure I will have lot of adventures to share from vacation and the time to share them! I even bought a few books yesterday to take with me!!!

Hope all is well in your corners! See you soon!!!

They're leaving . . on a jet plane!

No matter how much snow we get tonight, the parentals are leaving on a jet plane tomorrow--I don't care where they go, but they will go. I called dad to say that if the weather was bad today up there then we would drive up there and drive them back . . .his response "Gee, you REALLY want to get rid of us, don't you!"

They are coming in to our house today and then tomorrow I am supposed to take them to the airport. We are supposed to get about 6 inches of snow--which means in these here parts (due South of where Jenster is from!) everything shuts down and the grocery stores get cleaned out of milk, bread, eggs, and apparently cherry yogurt.

Oh well. I just want this trip to be a good one for them. Mom hasn't flown in over 40 years, and dad hasn't flown in a long time. They are going to TX to see my brother and his family. They will stay for about 3 weeks. Then they will come home and they will be radically different for the experience! This is my hope--that they find renewed vigor for life, and realize just what they have been missing my staying holed up at home for the last 10 years.

Should be very interesting!

I would walk 500 miles . .

It is always something. I am not sure if this is just my lot in life, but if it is, i want a refund.

Let me back up. Last weekend was the most fantastical weekend I have had in a long time. My brother and little tyke were here, and the visit couldn't have gone any better. I am amazed these days at how far i have come with this relationship--from absolutely hating this person, to not even thinking about what happened, and just loving the brother that i now have. i talked about this in therapy the other night, and it still just blows me away to see where i have come from. makes me feel like there is hope on some of the other issues--perhaps forgiving myself will have great results like this as well. . .but i am way off on that one. They left Monday and it was sad to see them go.

we drove up to my folks on Saturday to surprise them and boy were they shocked. they had no idea bro and little tyke were in town, and i think the visit went well.

Then on Monday i found out a resident passed away at work and it was just a long week trying to figure out what my role was-- and having my supervisor and i basically disagree about what my role should be. she is not a social worker, but a behaviorist, and felt that my offering to help staff was counter to what i should be doing, and not appropriate. she doesn't want me blurring those lines with staff and counseling them. while i get that the social workers before me set up a poor boundary with staff, i felt that offering to help staff during this crisis would not only be part of my job, but welcomed--all the while recognizing that i would be supporting staff, not counseling them--we both debated the difference and she didn't seem like there was one. other people felt it sure was nice of me to offer to help staff through this hard time. The guy died quite traumatically, and everyone was in a hard space. even though i knew him and his family, i didn't know them THAT well. but whenever one of the guys dies, i always think about my own brother.

who is apparently not doing well health wise, and my parents still won't deal with his weight issues . . .i think sometimes they want him to die so they won't have to worry about what will happen to him. how else could you know that your child's heart would give at any moment and still not work on it--or even look like you are working on it. very very very frustrating!! maybe if i just start telling myself he will die soon will make it hurt less when it does.

then on Tuesday i decided that i needed to go to the doctor to see about my foot-which wasn't getting any better. i had been hobbling for few weeks. to recap for those who are new, i sprained my ankle two Decembers ago, and during that i tore a bit of my Achilles. i rehabbed it, got better, and periodically would have a few days where it would hurt and then it would get better. the doc said that the torn part probably is getting caught in the joint and making it hurt. i probably need surgery, but it is a long, painful surgery and rehab and i just don't have time for that. so i see the doc again and he takes more xrays and says now i have the added bonus of having a heel spur and a haglands deformity--which looks just like another spur type thing. he thinks the best thing is a cam walker--which is a giant black boot-to rest it so the inflammation goes down. i really like this doc, but since my insurance will be changing on 3/1, he no longer will be able to see me. i know i am fortunate to have medical coverage at all, but i am mourning the loss of my super duper insurance from the old place. i still have it until the end of the month, but then i go to a lower coverage and have to deal with referrals and the like.

who knows where this will end up. it still hurts in the boot, hurts out of the boot. i don't know. i am driving two footed, and i know that isn't the best, but it isn't like i can just stop life--that's not an option right now. i don't have disability benefits until i am there a year.

ok, i am done. went to church today and they talked about their trip to kenya and i am psyched and thinking seriously about whether or not going to kenya in 2010 would be in the cards for me--which i know is a ridiculous thought given my current health status . . . .

went shopping today and apparently the world has been rid of khaki pants, and no one sent me the memo. i am in desperate need of khaki pants and they are no where to be found. i did get a few things--OHHHHH, and went to this super cool plus size boutique last week and got some really neato things. i tried on a million things, and i felt good knowing that the women there would say things looked great on me, and equally they would let me know when things looked not so good. i ended up buying some staple pieces that i can wear with other things, and some super cute things that i was able to preview this week at work. i spent a lot of money on clothes--which is always hard for me, and DP likes to tease me about how much i spent. it was a lot, but i felt cute which rarely happens.

spent Friday night at my folks cleaning out crap again. i was far more grumpy this time than last, but i think it had more to do with me being in pain then my mother being particularly irritating-though she had plenty of that in her too. they are coming to our house next Sunday, and leave for Texas Monday for a month to see my brother. they are excited, but haven't flown in forever and are very worried about all the logistics. i am too, then i remember i don't have to be worried cause they are grown up and can worry about themselves. oh, and did i mention that we will have their dog for the month?? and that their dog is slightly "off" . . weird ass dog if i have ever seen one. should be interesting. we think she will either get better, or die of anxiety.

what else .. .the kids are good. rainy and snowy today so there is mud--BUT GUESS WHAT?? we have hired a lawn care man and he says our lawn isn't the worst he has seen, and he can help. it was a really decent deal and we are waiting to sign on the dotted line.

YEAH--maybe no more mud puddles at some point in the future. i was already prepped that it will take time, but i am ok with that!

ok, i gotta jet since the light in the room had faded, and i am about to lose all my battery juice. hope all is well in your parts of the world.

So I had a good day!

The days are getting better, and I feel like I at least have a handle on what I am supposed to be doing. I even got a call from the second in command to tell me I was doing a bang up job. I wondered to myself whether or not I could save those calls up and withdraw when he decides in a few months that I have really f-d up. Because I do know him and I know that is in the works at some point.

This weekend my brother and nephew are coming in for a visit. I am so excited to see them . . though this will be a real downer compared to Disney where they are coming from, but I am ok with that. We are going to my folks house to surprise them, since they haven't seen each other in over nine months. They think they are watching the dogs for the day!

Yeah, sometimes surprises are good. Bad days turn around. I realize that I just might know something worth sharing!

Little Tyke . . .

So cute-I hate to leave him . . .he only wanted to hold MY hand the last few days in the parking lot, and her has been so snuggly . . .he says he won't fit in my suitcase though and refuses to try. Stubborn 4.75 year old . . .

Grab a cup of something and settle in-

Hi. How are you all doing? I am ok. I went to the doctor today to see what is up with these crazy headaches I have been getting on on off for the last two months. Also some weird heart racing. No big deal. I get there and they take my BP and is it high--usually is at first. Doc comes in, talks to me for a bit, takes it again, and it is higher. She pokes around and thinks I have a sinus infection which may be causing the headaches. I have a long history of sinus issues and so this is not a far cry from what could be happening. She listed to the ticker and declares that fine as well. Obviously she is concerned about increased BP, so she prescribed antibiotics for the infection, and tells me to come back in three weeks and we will talk more about headaches if they are still there and check on BP. She also took blood--lots of blood. I am supposed to have my BP taken three times between now and the time I go back, and I am not sure how I am going to do that short of going to her office, which is a about 35 minutes away. I really like this doc and have stayed with her through various moves-much like the mechanic, I don't want to switch. I went to a cardiologist a year ago after my mom's open heart surgery to check on BP, but as soon as he took me off the birth control, it was better than normal. I am not on BC now, so I am unsure as to what could be causing this. I am sure worrying about what's causing it is causing it to go higher. Probably the brain tumor that is growing in my head as we speak and will soon burst out of my eyeballs.

Then this evening I talk to my brother. My brother who moved to TX over Easter and who I haven't seen since. Well, he is having a hard time. My SIL was diagnosed with bi-polar I guess like two years ago now, and it is not being managed very well. She had been hospitalized a few times, and then they decided together they would move to TX where she could take another lawyer job, make a shitload of money, and live the slower paced life. Well, needless to say the shit hath come very close to the fan, and my brother is stressed and has threatened to take Little Tyke away and leave. Which I am sure is not helping the situation, but he doesn't know what to do. I have told him what to do, of course, and he isn't listening and it is making me mad. He seems to think he can just reason with her and try and bully her into treatment, and I keep telling him it will not work. He asks me what to do, and I tell him to seek out a couples therapist that can help them determine together how to manage this. He has been supportive all along, but he is getting impatient. He revealed to me tonight that he has been seeing a therapist privately before they left for TX, though he paid in cash so as to not have anything on record in case he needed to deal with custody issues. Now that he is a stay at home daddy, he doesn't have the cash he had before to do this. She is seeing a psychiatrist once every three months--and they have her on so many meds that I can't imagine how they are monitoring it every three months. Her therapist has told her that she doesn't need to be going to therapy so much, and so she doesn't go. I think she is far from being able to manage this on her own.

My relationship with my brother has been so complicated. This man that I care about so deeply now is the same kid who did horrible things to me as a child, and who I nearly destroyed myself over. When I hear him talk, I hear how scared and vulnerable he is, and how he wants someone to help him make sense of things---it makes me sad (can I feel sad? can it be ok to feel sad for him, who did THAT?). Of course I want to be there for him, but I struggle as well with the feelings that come up. I hear him on the phone with Little Tyke, and he sounds like such a great father, and you can tell he is trying so hard. I want this to be easier for him, I want him to listen to me to get support for himself (why won't he listen--is this how it was when I didn't listen to people . . .). I want her to feel ok about herself. She is a brilliant, high powered lawyer who is freaking out right now and can't get out of bed because the TX bar application specifically asks if she has bi-polar disorder. She is worried that she will not be admitted to the bar and will lose her job over this. I can't blame her . . .I don't think that is even legal, but what do I know.

I know that is sucks to think of their relationship struggling so much. They have been together since high school, and he sacrificed a lot for her to put her through school. I hope they can find a way through this in a way that is honorable for all. I hope that Little Tyke is spared any harm from her inability to be near him and love him as he should be loved. I know they are all trying--it is hard to sit back and not have the words or the ability to help.

I will see them in about two weeks, and I am very excited. Little Tyke talked to me today on the phone about our plans to go trick or treating, and he instructed me on what I was to say when I got to the doors. He also told me about the dog that bit him in the face, and how he had to get stitches. He said is burned a little, but he was a big boy--all 4.75 years of him.

I miss them . . .I am sad for them.

In Memory of Buster

This is Buster. Buster came to live with me and my family on February 14, 1992. I was a freshman in high school, and my brother and his girlfriend at the time brought her home on an impromptu trip to the SPCA. They no sooner dropped her off at my parents house, and then they left. Sure, they tried to take care of her, but they really didn't care much, and he was a senior in high school--read--> wasn't very responsible. Well, much to our surprise, Buster was a fabulous puppy--after the initial getting to know you time. She was small when we got her, and she and I bonded very quickly.

This was also around the time when things at home were crappy, and Buster and I were inseparable. We went for walks when the shit hit the fan, or when I needed a break. We slept together each night. She was my shoulder to cry on a great deal of the time. I remember one time I was taking Buster to obedience school, and we were stuffed into this small car, and Buster was farting up a storm. It was awful-we had the windows down and it was snowing out . . .it was funny!

Well, I moved to college in the summer of 1995, and Buster stayed with mom and dad. They loved that dog to pieces. She learned how to lick my dad's feet-which I personally think is SERIOUSLY gross-but the dog we had before taught her how to do that and she carried on the tradition. She was known to give you big, sloppy, wet kisses right after slurping from the water bowl. Mom used to say "cleanliness is next to godliness" when she would do that.

Buster has been going down hill for a while. She had many health problems including renal failure, hearing loss, and sometimes the inability to walk. Whenever I had seen her the last two years or so, I would encourage her to "go toward the light". I also made sure to nudge my mom about how she needed to let her go before she was in too much pain.

On Friday afternoon, my mom decided it was time. Buster had been having problems getting up, and finally she was unable to move her back legs and tail. Mom called the vet's office and they came to the house and put her to sleep with mom and dad there. Mom couldn't even call us-but she sent an email.

Now, my mother-for all of her faults-is an animal lover to the CORE. I am glad that I have gotten this trait from her. Her dogs were treated better than I was at times--but that is a whole other session ;) She was very saddened by this, but when I talked with her today, she stated that she doesn't feel as bad as she thought, since she knew it was time.

We saw Buster two weeks ago, and got some photos her and Addie. Take a look.

Have fun up there ole girl. We will all miss you very much.

Oh, I don't know what to title this

Good Evening-and welcome to another installment of my life. This has been a rough week-though I think I am coming out the other side intact.

I have been having such a rush of emotions and feelings that I think I was like a computer that had gotten stuck. I needed to reboot and I think I am running a bit better now-that is until I got an email from my mother announcing that the move to TX is official-and I saw their house listed on Realtor.com. I was hoping for that minute chance that things would fall through-and I know that is mean and inconsiderate-and I don't care! I did muster up A LOT of enthusiasm the last time I spoke to them, and they did offer to help fly us down there to visit.

Then in other news, I just felt like this week I was in the pits. I think I cried every day, and that is just not like me. I saw the shrinky dink on Monday, and then I called to see if she would be willing to see me again this week, and she did. She actually came out in the crappy snow day to see me-and I found out all her other clients canceled, but she still came to see me--I felt special. We had a good session, and she suggested that perhaps instead of looking for all the validation and love from my folks that I will not get, that I allot that energy to other things. Novel Idea-I know. She said that I should not keep asking them how they are-which will inevitably lead to mom telling me how bad she feels, and how this is wrong and that is wrong-yet they do nothing to change their circumstances. Instead I am to talk to them about anything else-the weather, the books I am reading, the things DP and I are doing. Reallocating all this energy is supposed to help me feel better, and realize those around me that do love and care for me. I think next week we will work on how to accept all that . . .acceptance is something I have a hard time with.

Accepting the life I have been given, accepting my medical conditions, accepting the challenges I have each day, accepting the GOOD things, accepting me for who I am. All of who I am. The slightly larger, rounder self. The self that has bags, and sags, and rolls and lumps and zits, and sometimes two chins and a bum shelf.

I also met with the church lady this week. I wanted to meet with her because I had been feeling out of sorts with god. I had been feeling like this sexuality thing is getting in the way of me and god. Not the way others might think, but in the way like this. I don't believe that god would make me gay, and then persecute me for that. With that said, given the hellacious week I was having, I was failing to turn to god. After all, I am going to hell for being a lesbian, so why should I pray. Why should I go to church, why this and why that. So I thought I would meet with the church lady to check things out. I said to her that I felt like I needed to be relying on god right now, but felt like I couldn't. Like it was all fake anyway and didn't mean anything since I couldn't change myself, and would always then be a perpetual sinner in the eyes of the church and god if I didn't change my sinful ways. Her response was very loving and gentle, and she said perhaps I just needed to be open to what god was doing-whatever that was. She didn't say that meant god was going to lead me away from this, or toward this . . that I just needed to be open. Then we got into a discussion about whether I thought god loved me the way I was, and I said no. She then proceeded to tell me that she wondered if I was looking at god much the same way I look at my parents-as judgmental and conditionally loving. She reminded me that god loves me the way I am . . .that's it. Then I went to home team, and we watched a video by one of my favorite people-Rob Bell-and the end of his message was that there is nothing that we can do to make god love us any less. nothing. Ok, I get it.

I started to pray again. Now, I don't feel like I am out of the woods yet, but at least I feel less conflicted about it.

Happy New year . . .Maybe!

Things around here have been busy . . .we did the whole holiday and birthday thing, and then yesterday we headed up to the folks house to celebrate my brother's birthday and just have random family time. We saw extended family that we have not seen in a few years. Funny how kids get older and when you last saw them they were in like, diapers, and now they are playing football in middle school . . .

Something interesting happened. I have two cousins . .they are about 34 and 37 years old. The oldest has a daughter that is about 9 years old. My brother, who has down syndrome just turned 37. Now he is cognitively about the age of a 7/8 year old, and doesn't think that he is "special". So the last time we visited this cousin and family was for my dad's birthday party in November. While there, my brother kept telling little cousin that he loved her, and wanted to write letters to her, and wanted to hug her. It got to be a bit much and we tried to redirect him as much as we could, but she just did not understand why this grown man was saying this stuff to her, and he didn't understand why he should NOT say/do these things. Now while her mother had grown up with my brother, these kids are relatively new to my brother since we see each other so infrequently.

Also while we were there for the birthday celebration last month, there was a comment made to the effect that the kids didn't need to know about DP and I just yet . .they weren't ready for that. God forbid they should know their cousin is a lesbo . . .

Before yesterdays' visit, my mom received a call from cousin saying that her daughter just felt really uncomfortable around my brother and that they were coming, but to be aware that she was not really comfortable around him and wanted her to approach him, and thought is best that he not approach her. Now, he was on the phone eavesdropping the whole time, so when they came yesterday, he wanted to talk to her about it. It just made me a bit angry . . I guess because I take for granted that people should just accept and love him, but I recognize that at 37 years old, the things he does is not necessarily cute anymore. I think I also resent him and what it means to have him in my life at time, but that is a while other blog!!

I think most of all I feel out of control with the situation, because I know I have very little say over what happens in my brother's life now, and I would have spoken with him about how what he was doing was not appropriate. My mother yells as him a lot and he doesn't retain her direction because, I would imagine, he is using all his energy to ignore her . . .which many of us do. She is a lovely person, but she is miserable with her life and she has no ability to talk to people in a way that makes them want to help her. She is demanding and not very likable.

So many things running through my head . . .Anyway, it has just been busy. Today we have been lounging around and making preparations for returning to the Atkins diet starting tomorrow. We did this several years ago with great results. We will do it again for a bit, and then probably switch to something that is more focused on the Glycemic Index principles, which is the way they recommend people with PCOS eat. We'll see. I am not as excited as I was yesterday, I am just worried that I will get bored and not follow through--plus is requires consuming foods that have typically been on the list of foods that I don't feel comfortable eating in large quantities. We say away from much of the high fat stuff, but still. It is also much harder to do now that I have a job where I am out and about, great for the days I am home, but the other days could be tricky. Plus I am not looking forward to the inevitable detox from sugar and carbs . . .I am so thankful though that DP is doing this as well, sure does make it feel easier to deal with and manage!!

In any case, we will be going shopping soon and having one last carb filled dinner at Chipotle tonight.

I hope everyone's New Year is a fabulous one, and I look forward to many new adventures and experiences as I continue to focus on being "Exactly Where I am". Thanks everyone for joining me on the ride.

Birthday . . .

I know someone who might have a birthday today . . .hmm, I wonder who??

Things are going well. I am glad to have a little breathing room today with no serious deadlines and food that has to be done at certain times. I cannot believe how many dishes one has to do during a holiday! Even with a super-de-duper dishwasher, there's always dishes. Sheesh.

Also, so many carbs. Now, I LOVE carbs, but I cannot even look at another biscuit or bagel right now . . .

The morning went fast. Amazing how fast the gifts can be opened and excitement over when you have an almost 4 year old little tyke around. We were done opening, eating breakfast snack, and cleaned up all by 9am. Other brother did NOT like his gift, which I was sure he would like. We negotiated with him today to return it since it was expensive and we'll go with him to pick something else out. I am glad he was ok with that suggestion, because I would have been mad if he'd kept it and never played with it.

Last night was fun. RHB and friend came over and celebrated with us. We even played a few rounds of Scatagories. MUCH fun!!

We have dinner plans at a local restaurant tonight for that certain someone who may be having a birthday today. Should be good. We'll be joined by RHB and my other friend as well. I am looking forward to seeing them.

Hope you all had a great holiday!

Quick Update

We just got back from church and here are some highlights so far:

• my brother and family called yesterday and said "We're on our way to your house, we know it's a day early, but is that ok??"
  
• my dad, who can't drive at night, didn't arrive with the rest of the family last night until almost 6pm . . then realized he'd driven the whole way with no lights on the van . . .
• the cat isn't welcoming the idea of the dogs in the house . . .and has dust bunnies all over her from dodging in and out of various hiding places.
  
• the one psycho dog stayed up for hours last night whining and crying, which lead me to be really tired as I didn't get to bed until after that-and 3 doses of NyQuil
• little tyke and I made ornaments out of playdoh and discussed life in daycare
• We saw Santa on a fire truck today roaming around town
  
• We just went to church-and I cried through the first two songs . . .I am such a sap in my impending old age . . .I think I was so glad to just get out and feel the music . . .I love music and they had some awesome music there today . . .even got a few hugs!
  

Overall, I am doing alright. Not great, but not horribly.

In the still of the night

It's early, REALLY early in the morning and I have been awake for a few hours. I have been really sick the last few days, and I can't sleep really well. Could have something to do with the fact that I feel like I am drowning in snot when I lay down!! I started to take the red mucinex, and I wonder if it keeping me awake as well.

But I am enjoying the quiet-well, almost quiet, DP's snoring can get quite ruckus sometimes and the cat is wrapping herself around my hand as I type and purring quite ferociously--which by the way makes it VERY hard to type-not the purring, but the wrapping of one's furry little self around my hand so that I cannot move, much less type or use the mouse!! If you can read this, kitty, GET OFF!!

The family will be coming today, and DP got to do the cleaning yesterday as I was too sick to really move, much less clean. She's great that way and I am much appreciative. I am also so thankful that she has such a great attitude about my folks coming. I know it cannot be easy for her to listen to me talk about them and how stressed it makes me, but she is a good balance-and they love her!!

I am excited about them coming, and I do hope it is a fun time. My oldest brother hasn't seen the house yet, and so he will be so excited to see it, and "his room" where he has a bed. He has down syndrome, and still believes in Santa, OR knows that it is smart to still let people think you believe in Santa . ..either way he makes out well for being almost 37. It will be great with him and Little Tyke, who will be here also on Christmas morning. I can't believe he will be 4 soon. Where does the time go . . .

Ok, I should go. I don't know what I will go do, exactly, but I should go. . .

Well, maybe I could also tell you that we found a German shepherd kennel that has great puppies, excellent communication, and best of all are right in the neighborhood of DP's parents. This means we will try and get our much desired GS puppy over the summer when we are there. Hopefully it will do good on the long drive home!! We are very excited!! More to come on the acquisition of new furry friend, I am sure!!

Christmas

We are oh so every close to Christmas, and I have to tell you something. We told our families that we were not going anywhere for the holiday, and they were more than welcome to come here-but we would be in our own beds on Christmas morning.

We sweetened the deal for my folks and told them they could bring the dogs . . .

Side note--my parents, or more specifically my mother, has serious animal issues-like they are probably more important than we are. She will cancel things and not go places if the animals cannot be expertly cared for 20 times a day.

Well now it seems the folks have taken us up on said offer and we will soon have a whole lot of my family here for the holidays. I guess I should be happy, but with each passing day, I can see the things happening before me and I get more and more anxious . . .

We will argue about what food to have, where to go out to eat on the other days, who opens what presents first, mom will want toddler boy to still do baby things like sit on her lap and will be mad that he doesn't, I will feel like nothing we give them or do for them makes them happy, they will want to sit around all week and do nothing--they think that visiting means just that-sitting and visiting . . .

The day will seem like just another day and when the brother and family leaves she will complain about how they are going to see the other set of grandparents and how they like them much more.

I want to feel excited and a sure I will muster some of that up, but right now I am wishing we'd just told everyone we were going to some other place . . .bah humbug!

Good Day

We had a great Thanksgiving over here. The food all came out wonderfully, and the sweet potato goop was fantastic and I noticed most everyone going back for seconds. I was, of course, so stuffed, even though I tried to pace myself. It was good though. We had many laughs and good company. RHB's desserts were great!!

We put up the tree and got out all the decorations. Funny, every other year we have had to prioritize what decorations would get to come out and which ornaments would get to go on the tree sine we had a smaller place. We bought a bigger house and a bigger tree this year and everything looks great. I think if anything we could use a few more decorations here and there, but if we didn't have them it would be ok, too. The tree looks great!! We even have some presents under the tree as the in-laws already brought out their presents since we won't see them for Christmas.

Today we were work horses. We were at Home Depot really early this AM and bought new outside lights, things to puppy-proof the fence, a digital thermostat, a light timer, switch plates, reflectors, and a wreath holder.

The reflector is for me, and really for a very silly reason. I keep going by the house. I know I should know which one is mine by now, but I think in the dark it is really hard. So I bought reflectors for the telephone pole in front of our house and hopefully that will help. They are all still making fun of me, but I don't care and will get my needs met and it is ok-right?

Dad and DP were working on the fence, and I was trying to identify weeds/plants with mom to see what could be saved and what could be trashed. We pulled up a bunch of pavers in one area we would like to use as a garden next year. Then I started digging up some big rooty weeds, and then I could tell I was getting a bit obsessed. There was big chunks of concrete in the ground and I couldn't just leave them there. I had to get them all out and then chuck them all onto the side of shed up the hill. I know I am going to be sore later.

But, the lights are up, the water to the outside is turned off, the fence should keep fido-to-be in, and a few others odds and ends are done. Now we are heading to dinner. I will sleep well tonight.

Weekend Round-up

We had a good weekend here!! DP and I went to get our pumpkins this weekend . . .I wish I could say we rummaged through the field and grabbed the most perfect ones-but we went to a place that has them already picked and somewhat sorted by size. We picked two each, and then one for the Cat and guinea pigs . . we will decorate said pumpkins on Wednesday. I think the cat should decorate her own, but that could prove messy!

The we went on a hayride . . .it was nice. They had two hayrides going at one-one for the little kids that went past a witches house where the witch told a story. Then there was the other one. There were 6 couples on our hayride and it was fun. We were deposited at a bonfire where we got cider and roasted marshmallows. FUN!!

Though I have to say, I had a moment where I was kinda pissed off at our world. I wanted to be holding DP's hand and being close like the other couples, but clearly it was not the time or place. I told her I wished we could move to P-Town and she reminded me we looked into this already and we would only be able to afford a speck of sand in P-Town-if that!!

Then we went shopping to buy some cooler weather staples. I have lost about 20 lbs since last winter and in looking through my clothes it was evident that I needed some new digs. I still don't know what kind of attire I should be wearing in this new job, but for now I am sticking with khakis and shirts. I found that I had a large number of dressy pants that I had accumulated over the years that I kept even though they did not fit. So now I can wear them. YEAH!!

DP took a class this weekend-she is attempting to take more classes to move her up on the teacher's payscale!! GO beanie, go!! Show us the money. I also went to a social work seminar with this guy who works with children who have been involved in or who have witnessed traumatic events-like murders, violence, etc. It was weird-while I could NEVER do that kind of social work, I was fascinated by what he got to do and how he did it. It was like social work meets CSI/Law and Order. I am so glad there are people out there who can work with people in ways that I can't . . .I suppose that is what makes the world go round-or keeps it from bouncing all around at least!!

The rest of the work week went well. I have decided to nix taking the subway after I get into the city. So now I am walking the 10 blocks each way from the train to the office. I am finding it somewhat relaxing . . it would be even better if I didn't sweat so much-even when it is cold out I sweat. Oh well. I was sore by weeks end-mostly from my shoulder-I need to reduce how much I am carrying in my bag . . .I suspect it will get easier. I have to say though, I would rather lift weights for hours than to walk . . I don't like it. I think my alignment is all out of whack and it is not the most comfortable thing to do.

This week I have at least two visits that I will make on my own, and I have the orientation for new employees. That should be fun. I got to work from home on Friday, and my task was to re-do all the forms that they created last year. This is a FANTASTIC task for me since I love LOVE making forms!! I finished all but one of them, and that is because I am not sure of the purpose of the last remaining form . . .Oh well.

Next weekend we will go to see my brother and family-- and my mother, father, and other brother will be there. It will be nice to spend some time with the peanut (the nephew). I can't believe how much he has grown. We spent much more time with him when he was younger, and much less recently. They finally sent the neurotic live in mother-in-law packing and put him in daycare (now that is a whole other entry!!). He really needed it though, because at 3 1/2 he doesn't have great socialization skills. They reported that he has done well in the two weeks he has been there, and even told them he wanted to stay when they went to pick him up on the first day!!

Hope your weekends were just as productive!!