Thursday, October 26, 2006

Goofy Kool Aid Stuff

I woke up this morning and went about my routine of getting dressed and ready for the day. I drove to work and prepared for a meeting, after talking to a few people. Then I went to the bathroom. Generally not an exciting task-but then I noticed it--> a big old KOOL AID STAIN on my mouth.

Yes, I admit it. I am a kool aid drinker. Especially now that it comes in sugar free, I have been reliving my kool aid loving memories from when I was a kid. Though I suspect now as a woman close to 30, kool aid stains on the mouth aren't so cute. But I drink the stuff before I go to bed, or in the morning--and I KNOW this cannot be good for me! I brush my teeth at in the AM and still have stains on my tongue.

So I set off on a search on the web about kool aid related things. I remember trying to dye my hair with kool aid when I was a young lad, and I found out today I was going about it in all the wrong way--no wonder my hair never turned purple. I used to sneak the stuff into my room, then sneak a LARGE pot into the room, then try and get warm water into the large pot, then I would contort my body so that my hair rested in the pot. I would sit like this for a while, until I thought that I had soaked long enough-(surely it felt like hours, but really only 10 minutes). Then, no color on my hair--but everywhere else. On the carpet, on my bed, on my stuffed animals. I think there is still kool aid stains on my carpet in my room at my parent's house.

I thought I would help educate all of us on some little-or not so little-known things you can do with kool aid.

  • Should you want to know how to properly dye your hair with kool aid, click here.
  • Should you want to know how to dye yarn with kool aid, click here.
  • If you want to clean your dishwasher, clean rust from concrete, color wall paints, or make play lipgloss, click here.
  • You can use the Kool Aid to make a political statement:

Well, that was a great diversion for me. Hopefully it was for you, too.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Mind over matter, right?

Good Evening-

Seems strange to be writing at home and not at work-but I need to write about some stuff.

I was offered the new position this morning. Barring any major catastrophic events, I will be accepting the position. The thing is, I wish I felt better about it. I wish I felt excited and happy for this new experience. While I am welcoming the opportunity to do something new and challenging, I am also really nervous and hoping I am doing the right thing.

I have heard so much conflicting information about the demise of the former person who has this position and how she mucked things up. Then She calls me on Friday and tells me her side of things and while I want to feel for her, I can't believe that all the others could be wrong. Besides, what investment does she have in telling me good things. She's telling me how she worked ungodly hours and never could get the work done and that she lived in fear of being yelled at for no reason and never knew when she would get in trouble by her supervisor. I have to think that she had stuff going on that prevented her from standing up for herself and not letting a job take her to such extremes.

I guess I also want to know that *I* will be able to walk away or stand up for myself should things get unmanageable. I want to know that I will not let something like a job lead me to a place of destruction and demise. I have worked so fucking hard to get to where I am, and I want to know I can use my coping skills to protect myself and my professional skills to kick ASS and make this large mountain seem like a molehill months from now.

I want to know all this and feel it, live it, KNOW it. But I only know it a little bit. Perhaps that is a start. I also know that for the first time I am branching out into something that is not safe ground. This job is not something I can do with my eyes closed, and I know it will involve a lot of learning and asking for help. All things I have worked on being able to do. I will be so glad if down the road I can feel proud of what I have done.

At the same time I am leaving my current position, I am also feeling pride in the fact that I took this program and I stepped it up and made it what it is now. I was able to make this program such that it runs well, and I hope that it can continue to do so when I leave and until they can find someone to manage it--since I know Wonderwoman won't be doing anything with it. It is hard to know it might not be kept up-but that isn't my responsibility, right? I will do my very best to assure it is in working order when I leave it and wish it the best.

Completely off the topic, I am listening to James Taylor, and his music just has the ability to soothe me like a warm quilt on a cold yucky day. I don't know what it is, but I listen to his voice and I feel like the world and all in it is going to be OK. Funny how music can do that.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Keeping you "A Breast" of the situation

OK-Deep breath.

I had to go to a breast surgeon yesterday. The girls have been acting up and I had to get them checked out. There I am, in a place where you already KNOW why everyone is there. I am sitting there nonchalantly looking at a magazine wondering what exactly they will do to the girls.

I walk in and they tell me to get undressed from the waist up. I pick up the napkin they expected me to fit over myself and I laughed to myself-then immediately started to sweat. What was I going to do. The napkin would not fit and the girls needed coverage. I couldn't greet the doc with them hanging out all over the place. I grabbed the sweater I brought in with me and put that on. I then tried to flap around to air out . . .

The doc comes in and starts doing things to them that I didn't think should ever happen to such areas. I think the dreaded mammogram would have been kinder-not that I would know personally, but from all the stories I have heard. Oh, and after all the drama about what to cover myself with, as soon as she came in she made me take it off. She said she could see better without anything on. I had no time to be incredibly self-conscious-and I started sweating some more. To my credit, the office was a bit warm-- Then she has me lay down and does MORE things to them. After all of this she has me get up and get dressed. The little paper thing that was on the table to protect it is now wet with sweat spots and I was feeling very exposed and wanted to cover up as much as possible, as fast as possible!!!

I guess the good thing is that the girls passed their exam with mostly flying colors!! Phew--one, or two body parts I don't need to worry about.

Well, after all that, how are YOU??

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Blah, blah, blah

Good morning everyone!!

Or is it? I didn't sleep so well last night because my nose is all stuffy, my throat hurts and has goo running down it, I have cramps, and I generally feel really yucky. This may sound very dramatic, and I intend it to be! The reason being I have been so healthy lately. Back in the day when I was taking far less care of myself I was sick all the damn time. I have been soo healthy lately-aside from the occasional ache of a knee or back-but they don't count.

I have taken great pride in knowing that even though a number on the scale might not reflect a lot of change, the way I FEEL has reflected immense change. I know when I take better care of myself I feel better, yet at times it is difficult to follow through. I haven't been sick as much, the blood I had taken a few weeks back indicate that all of my levels are exactly where they should be-a relative first for me. Oh, well . . . except my triglycerides were a bit high and I am supposed to be taking fish oil pills--eeewwww!

In any case, that is why when I start to feel sick like this NOW, it is not as acceptable as it was in the past. I used to relish in being sick-it was a reason to be depressed, antisocial, to not eat, to get attention. Now it is just plain old inconvenient. I don't want to recreationally feel sick and tired anymore and it sucks when I do. Oh well.

Update on the job front-I met with the director and assistant director of the other department yesterday and it sounds like things are going to happen. They did warn me that the woman who has the position now and who is leaving, has made quite a mess of things and it will be rough waters for a bit while we try and regain control and find out where things need to be fixed. They sound ready and willing to help as needed and to support me along the way. I appeared to answer all of the questions in a satisfactory way and in the end they appeared pleased with my qualifications and such. The director said she would work out the details of informing Wonderwoman and discussing a transfer date.

Wonderwoman is on vacation this week, and lo and behold, guess who's vacation is not showing up on the attendance list. Yesterday I shot an email to the woman I spoke to last time and out secretary to , you know, inform them that she was on vacation all week. I checked in with the woman I spoke to a while ago about it and she said she was already on top of investigating it.

Nothing much else to report. The weather should be rainy and gloomy the next few days and I think I will probably take a sick day tomorrow. Our group of girlfriends-which we have dubbed the YaYa's- are trying to find a time this weekend to get together. Funny how time, marriage, work, and children make this process a lot more difficult. Used to be we could just go out after work and grab a drink--now it is much more complicated. I guess it makes the time we do get to spend together that much more valuable. I just miss some of the simplicity at times . . .

I hope you are all doing well.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

I did it

I emailed Wonderwoman this morning to let her know I needed to talk to her on Friday when she is in. I think she must have sensed something was up and the next thing I knew she was calling me. Of course, the email I sent her at 8am was not read until almost 12pm. So much for "working" from home. In her message she said she wanted to talk to me NOW, and not Friday.

In any case, after a frantic call to DP to rehearse what I had written down to say, I called the director of the new program to make sure she was for real. She was and I called Wonderwoman and answered lots of unrelated questions when she asked me what I wanted to talk about. I said I had heard about another position that would be coming available and I was interested in applying. She said, "well, I am sorry you are not happy in this program" I stammered and said that it was really about persuing a situation where I would have increased opportunities and responsibilities. She asked what department it was in and I told her, and she said "I wouldn't want that job, but if that's what you want, I wish you the best of luck." I could tell she wasn't happy, but what can I do. It is not my responsibility to take care of her, right??

Oh well, just wanted to update. I have a meeting/interview with the Director of the program and the assistant director next Wednesday during lunch. Provided that goes well, we can talk about transitioning and a start date. She is on vacation after Wonderwoman is on vacation, and when she comes back Wonderwoman goes on vacation again. This could be a long transition. . .

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Sound off

Good Tuesday Afternoon-

Arghh- school violence is on my mind-most particular the incident in Lancaster, PA that happened yesterday--not far from where we are. I just don't get it. I know people are troubled, but what the heck causes someone to go into a school and execute little kids? I just have so much trouble wrapping my head around some of this stuff. I know people are troubled beyond belief, but here was a seemingly normal man who one day SNAPS--just like that goes into an Amish school and shoots people.

I guess with all of my past troubles, I wonder "Will I ever be that person who just ups and SNAPS". I would like to say I wouldn't be, or that YOU wouldn't be, but do you think this guy, or any person who does these things thinks about this stuff when they just snap? I know I am rambling, but I just am riveted by human kind and wonder where we have gone wrong-- I know I won't be that person, but it makes you wonder sometimes.

In other news, a recent development has come about in the job concerns I have had. I talked to Wonderwoman yesterday to let her know I didn't have enough work to do and I was concerned about the direction we were going in-not enough work, no prospects of increasing the load. I had some other things to discuss with her as well. She didn't offer much help and was defensive at times about some of the things I was bringing up with her. So we came up with a plan, a few things I could do. etc. Then today I was approached by the Director of another department and told about a job opening that would be posted in the next few days. I would be doing a similar job, but the pay would be more, I would be very busy, and although I would be employed by the same company, it would be an off site location about 10 minutes from my house. She introduced me to the Assistant Director of that Program and told me to email them if I was interested. I emailed that I was interested, and now I have to figure out what to do with Wonderwoman, and whether I should even take this opportunity.

I would be working with families and managing their services-including assigning people to directly work the cases. It would involve some supervision and a lot of paperwork and organization, and a little of direct family contact. It would be a job that, while not the perfect of perfect jobs, I could do my job and leave, and get my clinical fix doing private work as a therapist and working with the sibling group I just started to co-facilitate.

I am concerned about a few things. The first is that I think the program I am currently in would suffer a great deal-not that I have done major fabulous things, but Wonderwoman has no clue what I have been doing with the program for the last 5 months, and I have built up a great rapport with those I work with. Secondly, I am worried that she will bad mouth me till the cows come home. She has a way of letting you know how she feels about people who she feels have wronged her, and I could see her viewing my moving on as a personal issue. I am not sure how to deal with this. I know I am unhappy with her leadership-or lack thereof- and the way in which she handles me and the program. I know that without much change and restructuring, the outlook is very similar in months to come.

I am also NOT a very assertive person at times, and I don't want to be bullied about this. If I decide to do this, I want her to be ok with it. Though I know she probably won't be. I mean, who would be ok with losing their one and only staff. Besides, it might mean she has to actually work. I know some other people will be unhappy with me, but I need to worry about me at times, right? I just spoke to the Director again who has all but said once I apply I would be hired, and that the only way I wouldn't be is if the head honchos decide to not let me transfer. That could get ugly, but I am not worrying about that now.

So what would you do??? I need some advice??? My plan right now is to talk to the DP, and if she agrees that I am not out of my mind for considering this, then I would talk to Wonderwoman on Friday-right before she leaves for vacation . . .

On a final note, I saw the doc last week about my knee and he said it was NOT my ACL, but that I bruised something else. No big deal. He wants me to get a brace for when I work out, but other than that I will be ok. I was very relieved. We had a great weekend-went to the shore and took part in some amusement and relaxation--oh, and some shopping. I bought a new bag, not to be confused with a purse, because I don't carry purses!! Just to be clear :) This isn't the exact one by Hobo, but it is the same color, it just has different straps.

I guess that is all for now-thanks for tuning in!!