Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Weekend to remember

Memorial Day weekend was great. We had a slight change in plans, which was a bummer, but it ended up working out. Turns out DP's cousin found out two weeks ago that he wasn't going to graduate, and he overdosed and tried to kill himself last Wednesday. Needless to say there was no graduation, and we scrambled to figure out what was going to happen since he was in a hospital about 2 hours from the place we were to be staying at--and we were determined to go away.

We rearranged our plans and ended up staying in Sawyer, Michigan near Warren Dunes State Park. Here are some photos from the park . . .

Her parents were already staying there Thursday night before heading to the other location, so they extended their stay and we drove over there. It was about an 11 hour drive both ways for us, for about 1.25 days with her family. Saturday we ended up meeting up with the other cousins and family at their hotel and hanging out. It was good that most everyone could still see each other and support each other. The young lad is doing ok, and it seemed he might be released today to the care of professionals closer to home.

While there, we went on a dune ride which was so totally cool. The driver was fabulous, and had been doing this for like 24 years. You could tell he loved what he did and enjoyed the people. Here are some photos from our ride . . .

This picture was from inside the park as well, and you can see this is a huge tree that a dune has covered up. It was amazing to see, since you thought you were looking at small trees in the sand--until he told you it was a large tree that a dune had encased.

Addie stayed with my parents, and she was sick as a dog. Her intestinal system was all out of whack, and she had runny bottom, and accidents in the house. Good thing my folks love animals, or I think should would have been out on the porch. She still isn't right and has started to vomit as well. We have decided that we will just put her back on the food that she did well with, and abandon the idea that she can eat the raw food kibble. I guess her tummy just can't handle it. The vomiting is new though, and we aren't quite sure what that is about. She has an appointment with the vet on Saturday, and we got the other food today. I just want her to be well. She is such an awesome dog, and it sucks that she has had it so rough.

I think I may have mentioned also that we had a birds nest with three eggs in it. Well, the eggs have hatched, and we saw one baby and wondered what happened to the others. We looked around and didn't see anything. Upon closer inspection today I saw one of the babies dangling from the rose bush--this is where mama has nested. I am not sure what to do about dangling baby bird (which is dead), since I don't want to get that close to the nest, but now that I see it there, I keep thinking of the poor thing. The one that we see that is alive is strangely cute, but that still leaves one missing baby. Mama is very attentive to the nest. Any ideas on what to do with the baby that didn't make it??
***UPDATE*** The neighbor has reported that he sorta kinda ran over a deadish baby bird with the lawn mower tonight. He saw it too late, but it was dead, and now it is recycled back to the earth . . .I guess. He said he noticed yesterday that there were large black birds circling around and squawking. He wondered if they hadn't raided the nest. On a happier note, I looked in there today (carefully avoiding the dangling birdie) and saw the very much alive bird with his head perched on the side of the nest just looking out--it was very cute- (though I secretly hoped that he didn't know his sibling was dangling below, and if he saw, I hoped he thought it was just bungee jumping for fun!)

In other news, the beans are coming up wonderfully, and DP planted the peppers and tomatoes that we got from dad. Seems we also have two stray pumpkin plants coming up . . .

OK, gotta run, puking puppy . . .

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

How does your garden grow?

Like THIS!

These are the peas and they are doing wonderfully!! I finally planted the beans last week, and today we saw some sprouting and then when I came home two had burst up and out and are standing upright.

This is where our cucumbers are SUPPOSED to be . . notice there are only weeds . .

And what would a post be without pictures of Addie? I have included an action shot of her running! We are anxiously awaiting news that the new pups are born . .should be any day now. Hope you all have a great holiday weekend. We are headed up to Michigan for some family togetherness with DP's side of the family. Should be fun.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


I am alive, really. It has been a long week or so, and I have been neglectful of my blogging duties.

Work has been stressing me out, and I have had to look long and hard at what I am doing, what I want to be doing, and how to find a middle ground with my career. There is a small light that appeared today in the form of a possible employment opportunity which I am excited about exploring, but even in the excitement I feel afraid and fearful that I am doing the wrong thing, and I tend to feel that I am obligated to a position forever. I know it is not like they can't find another social worker, but I just feel like I could be leaving them high and dry. I know, I know, but it feels different since they recruited me and have been building this program around me right now. I know it is not my responsibility to be sure this program makes it. I can only do so much, and I am realizing that. My sanity cannot suffer, and I am slowly falling into feelings that I left a while back and never want to go back to again. I need to stick up for myself. I need to feel good about what I am doing day in and day out.

I need something stable . . .I need to know I have a place to go and a job that will not run out--I mean I know that any job can run out, but I am not handling the ambiguity and unknowns as well as I thought. I am sooooo grateful for the opportunities that I have here, but I know I can't do this long term.

Life is ok. I had a hard time today after listening to a church sermon from this weekend, and called one of my church ladies and told her that I was leaving based on what I heard. I think we are working it out, but I am feeling all sorts of conflicted about some things, and really am questioning myself and trying to protect myself. It hurts to have this part of me feel so unsettled--especially since I have been growing closer and closer to myself and god lately.

I have been able to connect lately with an old friend . .and not that she is old, but you know. She and I have had lunch a few times, and I am reminded why this person is so valuable to me and why I love our friendship.

Oh, on a happy note, we have decided that the new pup will be a boy-- after getting lots of opinions about having same sexed dogs and what was better. His name will be Riley, and he should be born on or around May 24. We will go get him the second week of August. We also have a mommy bird who has taken up residence in our rose bush. I hope the babies don't fall out when they hatch, cause it will be really ouchy. Perhaps that's her version of barbed wire to protect her babies. We peek in at her daily to say hi, though yesterday she scared the heck out of my by flying out just as I was about to peer in. There are 3 eggs in the nest.

Also, today is DP and I's 6th anniversary together. We celebrated by going to a nice restaurant that we had been given a gift certificate to, and going to Rita's Water Ice for dessert. It was great fun!

Maybe more in a few days.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008


Was harder than I thought. I was so determined yesterday, and it wasn't a bad day. Just confusing.

I got very close to work today and just started sobbing in the car. Don't know why really. I know I am confused about work and what I should be doing with my career, but I am not sure what the tears were about. More tears on the way to group tonight . . .just sobbing. I need to stop crying and driving . . .

Change is hard sometimes, and it means that things need to be stirred up a bit before they can come out looking different I guess.

I appreciate everyone's comments on my last post. I am glad I can be inspiring . . .I do know how hard life can be when much time is spent hating and loathing. The freedom I have now in this emerging life is almost too much to bear sometimes, but I will take that any day over the days of such struggle and pain.

In other news, it appears that we have spotted growth in the garden, which serious made me giggle today. I am so excited about the prospects of eating real home grown food. I will take a picture soon to share.

Ok, off to bed now. The eyes are soooo sleepy since the waterworks show played twice today.

Monday, May 05, 2008

How do you move on . . .

I was at therapy today and we were discussing how you change your thought patterns when you are so stuck in them.

Case in point--I have been losing weight, I have talked about that here before. (though right now I seem to be not doing as well as I'd like . . .) I have recently bought some new shirts that I think are pretty different from what I am used to (used to boring solid colors, and new shirts are vibrant and bold!). So this morning I put one on, and I looked in the mirror and thought "Oh Beans, you look cute." But then I stood there about 20 seconds too long. Instead of just looking cute and going about my business, I started to see the unmentionables . . .the rolley polley arms, the scars, the chub . . .in a matter of a few seconds I lost it. I changed into something else. A too big shirt and a pair of jeans.

I am finding myself in this in between place a lot. Where I want to hold onto the joy and the freedom of knowing I am moving on, and being stuck in what I know and what feels safe. She thought that perhaps instead of saying I feel safe in those places, that I say that those places are what I know and what makes me feel comfortable. I can feel safe in other things . . not the yucky feelings.

A while ago at a church function, I listened to a woman talk about how to be more kind and forgiving of others. She said that when people cut her off in traffic, instead of getting mad she prays for them and hopes that they get to wherever they are going safely. I told the shrinky dink today about this, and she thought I should try and apply the same principle to myself when I am feeling down and judgmental about myself. Perhaps remind myself of how far I have come, and that I did the best I could with what I had.

There you have it . . .this week I will try and challenge my thoughts and be a bit more gentle with myself. I want it . . I want it bad . . to be out of the stuck place and into the place of freedom and joy for what I have now. I know I can do it. It will be hard, but I am stronger than I think sometimes.