Friday, February 18, 2011

Follow up on the downstairs apartment

I went to see a new gyn yesterday . .who is also a PCOS specialist. I was really nervous, and remembered that I was really mad at Holly for leaving. Holly was my super cool hippie chic midwife that had been doing my exams for the last couple of years at a local birth center. She was the first person I had seen for those things in a number of years--actually, I had only been to a two other people. I had a theory that I would see a new person each time, then I couldn't be embarrassed. But Holly always made me feel like it was ok, and I was ok. But then Holly up and left and I was stranded without anyone. I was having more pain, and thought it best I see doc.

The woman I went to was super nice. I didn't want to like her, and I made it very clear that no one was getting near the downstairs apartment today . . .and she respected that and said the doc and I would just chat. Doc came in and introduced herself and said we'd go to her office. After giving her the run down, including symptoms, family history, sexual abuse, rape, blah blah blah, she looked at me and said something to the effect of "wow, you have been though a lot and have done a lot of hard work to get to this place, huh" Lady, you have NO idea.

I was really nervous as we were talking, but she was really nice about everything, and asked my option about the eating disorder places I had been, saying she worked with a lot of women with ED's and wondered what I thought about them. In the end, she decided that she was not so sure I even had PCOS anymore.

Apparently when you lose weight . .and I have lost about 70lbs since my heaviest . . .you can grow out of it. So she wanted to do some lab work, and do an internal ultrasound. She told me she normally had people go to radiology to have that done, but she felt I didn't need to have to go to another place, and she said she would do it for me when she did the exam next time. I thought that was really nice of her, and she certainly didn't have to say or offer that. She also said that even though she didn't normally see folks for annual appointments, if I felt comfortable with her, she would continue to see me for those. Again, really nice.

We finished up the appointment, which lasted about an hour, and I got to my car with the action plan. Oh, it also included starting to take birth control again to help with the painful periods. She wanted to get blood work results back and I will see her in a couple of weeks.

In the car after the appointment, I started to drive and suddenly began to cry . .really hard. I realized that while I know I have done a lot of work to get to this place, it is still really hard to say all that stuff to a new person and not feel shameful . . and then to have that person make you feel safe and supported was just really neat. I wasn't sad so much as I was a mix of relieved and happy that I had found someone who was empathetic and understanding of how hard all that was for me. I go back in two weeks for the blood work results and exam. Wish me luck . . .

Thursday, February 17, 2011

What a week

Hello folks! Last week was quite the week . . .as you all know, it started out with a concert by one of my favorite artists, Jennifer Knapp. The day arrived and I was so excited . . .I awoke and took my meds as usual with my soy milk, and I felt little nauseous. No big deal . . I had added a few supplements that day so I thought that was it. As the day wore on, I thought I still felt a bit off, but nothing was going to stop me from seeing the concert.

I got to the place to get our numbers which indicated in what order you would be let in the door to select your seats--they were only letting in 60 people. For the 8pm show we were 1 and 2, and I was 1 for the 10pm show. I was STOKED!!! As I was sitting in my car, I noticed a car next to me. To my surprise, a few minutes after that as I was jamming in my car to her latest CD, she gets out of the back of the car. I about had a heart attack! Smiling now from ear to ear, I forget that my tunny still doesn't feel quite right.

DP comes a little later and we head to the cafe down the way and order dinner. I am not feeling like I want to eat, so I get a turkey club sandwich and eat 1/4 of it after taking off everything but the turkey. The closer we get, the more excited I am becoming. We head off and get great seats for the 8pm show.

She was absolutely amazing. It is really wild to see someone that you have admired for so long, that close to you. She was about 10 feet from me as she sang . .and boy could she sing. She sounded exactly like she does on CD, which is amazing since sometimes you hear people sing and find that they really CAN'T sing!! lol

She played about an hour, and then she finished up. She was going to be available to meet people and sign autographs and such. OMG OMG OMG. Feeling a little better, I go over with someone I had met there at the concert. I stand in line and I get my picture taken with her, and a poster autographed. We talked for a couple of minutes and I am just in awe. She was so very personable .. I mean, not that I thought she would not be, but you never know. She has spent a lot of time talking to folks, and her handler tells her she needs to wrap it up so they can prepare for the next show.

I selected the same seat I had the first concert for the second. She began with a few of her older songs, and I was able to get a couple on video. About the 4th or 5th song in, she sings about a minute and all of the sudden I feel sick . . .like "I know you are singing right on front of me and it would be really rude of me to get up right now since I am in the front but holy shit I am going to blow . . ."

I get up and race to the back of the cafe to find that the one restroom is being occupied and the cover my mouth and hope for the best. No such luck . . it's coming and I grab the empty dish bucket that was siting out for folks to put their used dishes in. In the back of the cafe I find myself barfing into a bucket and wishing I could curl up and die. The guy sitting on the bench outside the bathroom was none too thrilled to be witness to this.

I sat there until the bathroom was available and then went in there. I was so freaking embarrassed. I have never barfed in public, and this was just not how I imagined things ending! I stayed in the back of the cafe until it was over . . .cleaned myself up the best I could, and then got out of dodge.

I barfed all night and into the next day. Spent the next two days home sick and just feeling really cruddy. I am so glad I had the pictures and video to prove I was there, because clearly I was really sick and ended up not taking in as much as I would have liked.

All in all, I am so glad I went. As I told my shrinky dink, my body gave me a big FU for not listening to it.

So there you have it . .I will leave you with a picture . . .

Tuesday, February 01, 2011


I know some of you read my Facebook, and know that I will be going to see Jennifer Knapp in concert at a local coffee shop. I am BEYOND excited, and just also bought myself a ticket for the second show that was added. DP will go to the first show with me and I will stay for the second by myself.

For those of you that do not know who she is, let me explain. She is a very well known Christian musician who came out last year as a lesbian. As you can imagine, the industry was not very welcoming of this. She sort of fell off the planet and lived in another country for a time and then last year decided to come out, and also came out with a new album.

It's been a long time since I have been this excited about something, but it also had me stop and think about the role music plays in my life and what it has meant to me over the years. Jennifer's music has seen me through the worst of times, and times that have been really good. I remember listening to her when I was hospitalized for my eating disorder, and just staring out the window-- scared of myself, scared of everything around me and holding onto every one of those words as if they were a life boat. Her singing about god, and being lost and broken and just wanting to feel whole again. Finding out just this year that she has come out as a lesbian has made those words even more meaningful. I know now why I was able to connect to them as I had . . .how to be in a relationship with god, your broken self, your gay self . . .it all makes sense now. The christian music industry that loved and awarded her music has turned their back on her and I wonder if this is the kind of god I want to be associated with. I am glad I am back at the church that I am, and no longer feel like I have to make those choices about what's more important . . god or being true to myself.