Sunday, June 24, 2007

Some understanding??

I had asked my boss's boss for a meeting for tomorrow-which is my day off. This is the woman who in my mind is quite verbally abusive toward people. We have had several incidents where I have been the target of her tyrants, and I am just needing some understanding right now. My direct supervisor has been away and this woman has been in the office much more lately.

By all means, I do not expect her to change her ways and be "nice" to me, but understand that right now things are rather difficult and somehow manage to throw in there that her yelling at me is not helping. I KNOW I am a good worker, and people are quite shocked when I tell the stories of how she berates me and treats me. I have toyed with the idea of going to HR, but I don't know how confidential that is, and I can't afford to lose my job right now.

In the meeting tomorrow I plan to let her know that right now things are extremely difficult for me with my family and that I will be dealing with this things for a little bit until we are more settled with a plan, especially for my brother. This may mean I am not as uber flexible as she wants, and if she says "jump" , I may not be able to. I think I should say something to her about her yelling and tone, but I don't know that it will be heard, and I am not out to annoy her further, I just need her to understand where I am at right now. That I am still committed to doing my job 100%, but some compassion would be helpful.

I just don't want to have to go to work and feel sick-I mean, really sick to the point that I don't eat and feel like barfing. I like what I do, and I understand that she also has a job to do, but I would venture to say I am one of the better few doing the job, and her criticism and bullying shoots me straight back to my mother's abuse, and lord knows this is all slapping me in the face again with all these issues with my mom-but that is a whole other post!

This is also so difficult since we are closing on the house this week, and we just found out my partner will be laid off . . .so I feel stuck, DP feels stuck, and we are all just feeling rather crappy at a time when we should be excited and thrilled about this house. DP has a interview tomorrow-so I am hoping and praying that goes well. She is fabulous, so I can't imagine why it would not go well!!

So I meet with her on my terms, on my day off, so if she is mean I can cry at home and not have to compose myself while at work.

I just hope she can hear me . . .and not add to the pile of crap. I can hope for anything, right?

Friday, June 22, 2007

What do you say . . .

To your mother who is waiting to hear if she has cancer . . .

Mom had some tests done this week and it is looking like it may be cancer. She won't know anything until July 7th. Now, my family has had to deal with a lot of medical things, but cancer. C A N C E R ?

Cancer means that people die . . .cancer means that people are in lots of pain . . .cancer means that people lose their hair . . .cancer means that people have to choose between fighting and living just the way they are . . .cancer means that there's a whole lot of hurt that is going to happen.

You will remember how troubled I was when mom had heart surgery . . .We finally are in a place in our lives where we sort of respect each other, and I feel like it is an uphill battle to make this feel ok. The other day when mom called to tell me, I felt a pain so deep in my heart I almost felt breathless. I wrote her a card that night and wanted to badly to let her know that I cared for her and loved her.

This is after many years of hating this woman. For beating me for so many years, for making everything my fault, for never saying I was good enough, for saying the abuse was in my head . .

Finally in a place where we are ok.

I am so hurt right now at the thought if it ending this way. I know people who have lived through this, and I am sure it will be ok in the end . . .no matter how it turns out. But for right now, exactly where I am, it hurts. Very much. I want to run to her and tell her it will be ok . . .though I don't know that it will.

It was much easier I think when I did not care . . .this feeling crap is for the birds . . .

Thursday, June 14, 2007

So, what have YOU been up to?

OK, so clearly I am a big, fat, slackerpants when it comes to my blog lately. However, I am pleased to report the following account of how I have been spending my time:

1. I have gotten yelled at several times by my powers-that-be-at-work just for the fun of it. Yes, I have been told that my communication style is "painful" and that I am not dedicated to my work and that I should work 12-15 hours daily if that's what it takes to manage the incredibly unmanageable caseload they have given me-64 3-5 year olds that I need to manage home programs for . . .that is way too much. I lose my mind briefly.

2. They hire a new case manager who is NOT a crackpot and may actually have some clue what she is doing. She actually independently initiated a task before her first week was up. She surely is a keeper!!

3. We bought a house.

4. We bought a house.

5. We bought a house.

6. DP gets laid off 2 weeks before we buy house.

7. SO you see, buying the house and looking at the house, and visiting the house on the weekends, strolling through home depot and Lowe's has taken a good deal of our time. But yes, we have found the most perfect little-well, not so little, abode. It is a 3 bedroom home which is 97 years old and has much of the original hardwood floor and trim. We saw it for the first time on our 5th anniversary and looked at it a few days later and said to ourselves " Selves, why are we waiting until the fall when this is a mighty fine home". So we bid and got the home. It is beautiful. I wish I could post pictures, but then I could no longer talk about my shitty job anonymously!!

Yeah, and so we settle on the house in 2 weeks, and DP finds out yesterday that she is to be laid off as of 6/29. So much for security. The good thing is that she is most fabulous at what she does and has already secured a job interview at another place-none other than the place where I work. Good thing it is only my department that slightly sucks, and not the whole place. Not to mention the building is very nice-and the building she is in now is not so nice.

What else, things otherwise are good. Life without medication is going well, despite the occasional pervasive thought that refuses to leave my head. The shrink and I have an agreement that if she feels I am losing my mind she will be sure to promptly tell me, but she feels that I am under a normal amount of stress and anxiety given the current state of affairs.

I have started to go to PT for my ankle. Despite pushing myself at the gym and pretending it will get better, it still hurts much more than t should 6 months after the injury. They did an MRI and the doc said nothing was wrong except that it was badly sprained, but the PT stated he felt there might be something more going on. We will see how PT treats me . . .

Work has improved somewhat, though I am being recruited for another position, which sounds great, but I think the timing may be off a bit. It is a grant funded position that would have me working in the city with families who have children with autism and helping them advocate for themselves and their children. Sounds great, and you are able to be based out of your home-my NEW home-but I don't think the benefits are there and there is a lot of travel. I am not so sure how I feel about it. I would love to know more and am working at trying to connect to the project coordinator. I'll keep you posted.

We are hoping things go well with the settlement, and that the mortgage folks don't call to verify employment again-as they already have and I should hope they have better things to do than to sit around verifying DP's not-for-long-job.

Oh well. We are keeping things positive. Right, smack where we are. One minute at a time. Exactly where we are!!

Hope all is well in your parts . . .