I would walk 500 miles . .

It is always something. I am not sure if this is just my lot in life, but if it is, i want a refund.

Let me back up. Last weekend was the most fantastical weekend I have had in a long time. My brother and little tyke were here, and the visit couldn't have gone any better. I am amazed these days at how far i have come with this relationship--from absolutely hating this person, to not even thinking about what happened, and just loving the brother that i now have. i talked about this in therapy the other night, and it still just blows me away to see where i have come from. makes me feel like there is hope on some of the other issues--perhaps forgiving myself will have great results like this as well. . .but i am way off on that one. They left Monday and it was sad to see them go.

we drove up to my folks on Saturday to surprise them and boy were they shocked. they had no idea bro and little tyke were in town, and i think the visit went well.

Then on Monday i found out a resident passed away at work and it was just a long week trying to figure out what my role was-- and having my supervisor and i basically disagree about what my role should be. she is not a social worker, but a behaviorist, and felt that my offering to help staff was counter to what i should be doing, and not appropriate. she doesn't want me blurring those lines with staff and counseling them. while i get that the social workers before me set up a poor boundary with staff, i felt that offering to help staff during this crisis would not only be part of my job, but welcomed--all the while recognizing that i would be supporting staff, not counseling them--we both debated the difference and she didn't seem like there was one. other people felt it sure was nice of me to offer to help staff through this hard time. The guy died quite traumatically, and everyone was in a hard space. even though i knew him and his family, i didn't know them THAT well. but whenever one of the guys dies, i always think about my own brother.

who is apparently not doing well health wise, and my parents still won't deal with his weight issues . . .i think sometimes they want him to die so they won't have to worry about what will happen to him. how else could you know that your child's heart would give at any moment and still not work on it--or even look like you are working on it. very very very frustrating!! maybe if i just start telling myself he will die soon will make it hurt less when it does.

then on Tuesday i decided that i needed to go to the doctor to see about my foot-which wasn't getting any better. i had been hobbling for few weeks. to recap for those who are new, i sprained my ankle two Decembers ago, and during that i tore a bit of my Achilles. i rehabbed it, got better, and periodically would have a few days where it would hurt and then it would get better. the doc said that the torn part probably is getting caught in the joint and making it hurt. i probably need surgery, but it is a long, painful surgery and rehab and i just don't have time for that. so i see the doc again and he takes more xrays and says now i have the added bonus of having a heel spur and a haglands deformity--which looks just like another spur type thing. he thinks the best thing is a cam walker--which is a giant black boot-to rest it so the inflammation goes down. i really like this doc, but since my insurance will be changing on 3/1, he no longer will be able to see me. i know i am fortunate to have medical coverage at all, but i am mourning the loss of my super duper insurance from the old place. i still have it until the end of the month, but then i go to a lower coverage and have to deal with referrals and the like.

who knows where this will end up. it still hurts in the boot, hurts out of the boot. i don't know. i am driving two footed, and i know that isn't the best, but it isn't like i can just stop life--that's not an option right now. i don't have disability benefits until i am there a year.

ok, i am done. went to church today and they talked about their trip to kenya and i am psyched and thinking seriously about whether or not going to kenya in 2010 would be in the cards for me--which i know is a ridiculous thought given my current health status . . . .

went shopping today and apparently the world has been rid of khaki pants, and no one sent me the memo. i am in desperate need of khaki pants and they are no where to be found. i did get a few things--OHHHHH, and went to this super cool plus size boutique last week and got some really neato things. i tried on a million things, and i felt good knowing that the women there would say things looked great on me, and equally they would let me know when things looked not so good. i ended up buying some staple pieces that i can wear with other things, and some super cute things that i was able to preview this week at work. i spent a lot of money on clothes--which is always hard for me, and DP likes to tease me about how much i spent. it was a lot, but i felt cute which rarely happens.

spent Friday night at my folks cleaning out crap again. i was far more grumpy this time than last, but i think it had more to do with me being in pain then my mother being particularly irritating-though she had plenty of that in her too. they are coming to our house next Sunday, and leave for Texas Monday for a month to see my brother. they are excited, but haven't flown in forever and are very worried about all the logistics. i am too, then i remember i don't have to be worried cause they are grown up and can worry about themselves. oh, and did i mention that we will have their dog for the month?? and that their dog is slightly "off" . . weird ass dog if i have ever seen one. should be interesting. we think she will either get better, or die of anxiety.

what else .. .the kids are good. rainy and snowy today so there is mud--BUT GUESS WHAT?? we have hired a lawn care man and he says our lawn isn't the worst he has seen, and he can help. it was a really decent deal and we are waiting to sign on the dotted line.

YEAH--maybe no more mud puddles at some point in the future. i was already prepped that it will take time, but i am ok with that!

ok, i gotta jet since the light in the room had faded, and i am about to lose all my battery juice. hope all is well in your parts of the world.

Update-how's that for creative!`

Ok, so here goes-

1. I am still not feeling all that great, though I am a bit better. Surgery is scheduled for Monday afternoon, and should be a go unless I deteriorate quickly which is not likely. My parents are coming in tomorrow as the surgery is scheduled for the same time that I was to be at the airport getting my brother off the plane from his visit to see my other brother. DP will now go get him, and dad will go with me to the hospital. Having my parents here will be its own kind of stress, but they are fairly good caretakers in these types of situations . . .though if mom calls one more time to ask about food I will have to scream. Mom said she didn't want me to be stressed about the menu like I was last Christmas, and I reminded her that I wasn't stressed about it, but her daily calls to check on what we were having, what the plans were, was the shopping done . . .THAT is what was stressful! I told her this past week that I would have her a menu by this weekend, and she promptly called Wednesday and told me I had taken too long and she informed me of what the plan would be . . .hello, NOT THE WEEKEND MOTHER! Oh well. I am glad they are coming to help out. They were supposed to come Tuesday anyways, and they will leave Saturday.

2. As you may or may not know, I am currently working as a social worker in a grant funded position which was originally set to end funding in June, but they got an extension until the end of January. I have been wondering what was going to happen with me and a job as of January, and we met before my trip to San Diego and we agreed that I would start worrying at the end of November. Fast forward to last week when a friend that works at a place that I worked at for 6 years called and said there was a social work position available in their school and would I be interested in interviewing for it.

Now, a little background about this place. It is a residential facility and a school for children and adults who have autism, traumatic brain injury, developmental disabilities, etc. I started working there in 2000 and worked my way up in the course of 6 years. I was very well respected there, and left a very good impression on them. I enjoyed my time there, though at the end the last position I had was a bit rough-but I think that was because the program I was in was in its infancy and there was a lot of kinks to work out. Then I had to finish my masters and then there wasn't an appropriate position for me and I left. DP continued to work there for a bit after I left, and then she too left. Every time I went back, I would be constantly stopped by staff to ask how I was and to chat with me.

I went for an interview on Wednesday, and they offered me the job at the end asking me to let them know by Friday what I was going to do. I would be working in the school as a social worker--a lot of transition planning and family counseling. The money is good, and the hours would be 8-4 ish . . .no on call, no weekends unless I need to meet with visiting families. It is 16 minutes from my house, and in the middle of the country with horses and I can bring the dog. Yeah, this is a place where the two top in charge have dogs running around and it is not uncommon for dogs to be in classrooms and offices. I suggested they start a doggie day care and the vocational rooms could help run it and the CEO said that was a great idea . . .we'll see.

In any case, I accepted the position and will start full time in the middle of January. I then had to talk to my current supervisor about it-who started this whole thing when last Monday I asked her--"So, If a job happens to come my way, what would you suggest?" She told me that I should look into it. I took that as permission and reassurance that they really had nothing for me after January. She took the news well, and asked me if I would stay on as a contractor to keep the program going on a night/weekend basis for 8 hours a week. I will probably do this so at least I can still help out, and it is extra money for me.

I am excited about the opportunities that this new job can have. DP asked me if I was sorry that I took the job I have now, and I said absolutely NOT. I have learned so much in this job that I wouldn't trade for anything. I remember being so scared about doing home visits and working in the city with the population that I do, and now I am honored to have been in this situation. It will all be helpful--especially if they move me to the Director of Social Services role, which they talked about happening. Right now I would be the only SW so being a director now would be pointless, but they are looking to bring in a part time SW for the adults.

All very exciting. I am definitely feeling better knowing that I will have a steady job lined up, and that while the job itself will be new, the people there really respect me and are so glad to have me coming back.

I should get going--we have a very long list of things to do today, and a puppy play date at 1pm. What fun!

The internet is BAD!

The internet is very bad for wandering eyes like myself who search on You Tube for sinus surgery. BAD BAD BAD . . .I am canceling the surgery right now . . .ok, I know that is rash . . .but still you should SEE what they do to your nose innards . . .

Not so thankful Thanksgiving-

Guess who is having surgery the day after Thanksgiving? I went to see the surgeon today, and after ruthlessly shoving a tube in my nose, he determines that I have very large cysts taking residence in both of maxillary sinuses. Apparently you could see the invaders while he was in there, but I was tearing up and couldn't keep my eyes open. He said there was very little to do but remove them.

Now, he said it shouldn't be as bad as the last surgery where he had to make my sinus cavities larger and fix the septum. There's a possibility he can do the whole thing through the scope and get both cysts out. Then again, he said that because of the size he might not be able to get them very easily. In that case the best way to get the suckers out is through my mouth. Yes, I know, doesn't that sound horrid? It is called a caldwell luc procedure--check out the photos if you dare . . .The first option would have me laid up for a few days, the other he said about a week. I asked him if they both would require the nasty nose vacuum, and he said they would. Sheesh . . .the second type has a better chance of eliminating the cysts and preventing them from coming back like they did this time.

So I figured I would need to have the surgery well in advance of flying for Christmas, and this was the best time we could come up with. Darn it . . .

On another note, they had the computer on with the pictures of my brain, and it was neato to see by brains and eye balls and stuff from the MRI. Looks just like it does on TV.

Medical Update

Hey there folks. I am not sure if I talked at all about my headaches on this blog, but the last few months I have been getting these horrible headaches, and nothing has really touched it. It was getting to the point where sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night with a splitting headache. One night I even cried and cried it hurt so much.

Well, it finally got to the point where I took myself to the doctor. She thought it might be a sinus infection gone wrong, and so she prescribed and antibiotic and muc*nex. Days later it wasn't better and I was sure I had a brain tumor. They told me to get and MRI and luck was on my side and I got in the same day to have the MRI. I guess when you say you need a brain MRI they feel it is important.

I went and actually had a headache during the test which I thought was a bonus. They did the test normal, and then shot me up with something to make my head glow. The test is done and they said they would call back in 24-48 hours. I get a call this morning and they tell me that my sinuses under my eyes, and somewhere else are completely blocked up, and one that is blocked up has fluid all stuck in it. No wonder I have headaches and am dizzy--especially when I lay down. During the worst headaches, the only thing that relieved them a tiny bit was sleeping sitting up. The doc told me to call the ENT right away and see if I could get an appointment.

Here's the kicker--I had surgery in 2003 for my sinuses--fixed a deviated septum and enlarged my sinuses which couldn't drain. Here's the other thing--you all know how much I despise George W--well, that sinus surgery was so awful I wouldn't even wish this on him. I had to wear a nose bra for days afterward since you can't blow your nose, and you have to have a dedicated DP who will stick q-tips up your nose to pull out goobers. And this was only having been together for a few months. So, nose bra, no blowing of my nose, and weekly trips to get vacuumed out.

Yes, you heard me right. Once a week for about a month I had to go get a long thing stuck up my nose and they vacuumed out my sinuses. It made me want to vomit every time, and I think once I passed out. I can't remember because that was so traumatic I have blocked it from my mind. Imagine you are vacuuming on the floor--you know the slurping noise it makes, and then something stops it up and the whirring stops--that's what it sounded like in my head and the stopping was only when it located a big goober that needed to be extracted from the deep depths of my head.

I can't tell you how much I am not looking forward to a second round of this. How do your sinuses even get blocked beyond repair?

I have to say, I am glad it wasn't a brain tumor, and glad that the pain wasn't all in my head--I mean it IS all in my head, but you know what I mean. The ENT was able to get me in the day after I get back from San Diego. What fun to look forward to.

I will keep you posted.