Thursday, November 01, 2007
OK, so for the start of my month of blogging-I have decided to discuss the pros and cons of anonymity. I have thus far kept many details of my life, family, and work very secret. Why do I do this? Well, mostly because I wanted to talk freely about the things going on in my life without fear that others would find out-others that I knew, I mean. I have had some pretty crappy things happen to me at the hands of people that I am now trying to foster relationships with.
In that vein, I also wanted to be able to bitch about work and my stupid ass boss and not worry that they would find out. I'd heard a while ago that employers were doing some serious internet searching on people they employed or wanted to employ. The news was advising folks to tone down their my space pages and such. I never had one of those accounts as I don't have many friends-thus the not wanting to lose the ones I have by my scary postings and such.
I also have a blogging friend who recently had to seriously edit posts as she feared someone knew she was writing, and the things she was writing were not things she wanted the other someone to necessarily read. The internet is a fine fine place, until it backfires and bites you in the ass. With that said, I find it best to remain anonymous-mostly.
What hiding myself and my life has done, though, is made me feel less connected to the self I was looking to find in starting this blog. I wanted to be true to myself and what I want out of life-and how can I do that if I am masking the finer details of my existence?
After thinking long and hard about this, I have decided to come clean and reveal a very large part of myself. Now, please don't go telling the world about this, as I don't want anyone to know. BUT, ok, here it is . . .I live near a big city --------------------------------------->
Oh, now I know it is all over. My cover is blown and tomorrow I will wake up and my life will never be the same. Not really-I only wish that would make such a monumental difference. It feels liberating though. Now I can get to some of the real stuff.
Like how yesterday when I was at a home visit, I was less than 10 blocks away from the police officer who was shot in the head while getting his daily dose of Dunkin Donuts. He died today. I know I wasn't nearly as close as others, but none the less, that is much closer than I ever want to be to murder and a gun toting fool on the run. It was amazing to hear the cop cars blaring and helicopter flying above, and just a sense that something really wrong happened and no one could have planned for that. That's the feeling I got when I went to a visit the other day and outside the home I was visiting was a freshly laid memorial to someone-a teenager-who was shot there just a week before.
Many people are dying in the city and it is sad . . .sad that people have to be so scared and children can't play outside. Sad that we live in a place where most everyone is suspect, and even more suspect if you are a black male. I hate to admit it, but I watch my back a lot more than I should. I try and plan what I would do if something ever happened . . .this doesn't make me feel safer. It makes me sad very deep in my heart that I the only thing I can do is pray each and everyday that I would go through the day unscathed.
Tonight, tomorrow, this weekend-someone in the city will lose their life, and it seems no one is bothered enough to do anything about it.
You might be asking why I am doing this job given all this . . .I have to say I am happier now than I have been in a long time. I trust I am learning many life lessons here on the streets of Philadelphia, and a little healthy fear and increased self-awareness does a body good. I just need to keep it in check and not become obsessive about it-like studying the Philadelphia Homicide map. No one needs to know the finer details of that . . .right?
So there you have it. I have taken off a very small part of my mask and I am feeling better already.