Wednesday, May 14, 2008


I am alive, really. It has been a long week or so, and I have been neglectful of my blogging duties.

Work has been stressing me out, and I have had to look long and hard at what I am doing, what I want to be doing, and how to find a middle ground with my career. There is a small light that appeared today in the form of a possible employment opportunity which I am excited about exploring, but even in the excitement I feel afraid and fearful that I am doing the wrong thing, and I tend to feel that I am obligated to a position forever. I know it is not like they can't find another social worker, but I just feel like I could be leaving them high and dry. I know, I know, but it feels different since they recruited me and have been building this program around me right now. I know it is not my responsibility to be sure this program makes it. I can only do so much, and I am realizing that. My sanity cannot suffer, and I am slowly falling into feelings that I left a while back and never want to go back to again. I need to stick up for myself. I need to feel good about what I am doing day in and day out.

I need something stable . . .I need to know I have a place to go and a job that will not run out--I mean I know that any job can run out, but I am not handling the ambiguity and unknowns as well as I thought. I am sooooo grateful for the opportunities that I have here, but I know I can't do this long term.

Life is ok. I had a hard time today after listening to a church sermon from this weekend, and called one of my church ladies and told her that I was leaving based on what I heard. I think we are working it out, but I am feeling all sorts of conflicted about some things, and really am questioning myself and trying to protect myself. It hurts to have this part of me feel so unsettled--especially since I have been growing closer and closer to myself and god lately.

I have been able to connect lately with an old friend . .and not that she is old, but you know. She and I have had lunch a few times, and I am reminded why this person is so valuable to me and why I love our friendship.

Oh, on a happy note, we have decided that the new pup will be a boy-- after getting lots of opinions about having same sexed dogs and what was better. His name will be Riley, and he should be born on or around May 24. We will go get him the second week of August. We also have a mommy bird who has taken up residence in our rose bush. I hope the babies don't fall out when they hatch, cause it will be really ouchy. Perhaps that's her version of barbed wire to protect her babies. We peek in at her daily to say hi, though yesterday she scared the heck out of my by flying out just as I was about to peer in. There are 3 eggs in the nest.

Also, today is DP and I's 6th anniversary together. We celebrated by going to a nice restaurant that we had been given a gift certificate to, and going to Rita's Water Ice for dessert. It was great fun!

Maybe more in a few days.


Jenster said...

Hey. I haven't been around much, either. I missed the sermon Sunday, but I'll go listen to it now. I've got a pretty good idea what it was about.

I really hope you don't leave - you've got some great friends there. But I understand (to my limited ability) why you would feel you need to go.

Just remember where ever you go, God is there.

Sookie really needs to go walking at Valley Forge with a friend...

Lynilu said...

First, about the job ... I understand the commitment you talk about and commend you for that; however, I must remind you of a basic premise of our profession, Beans. You can not be effective in your work if you aren't taking care of yourself. You MUST be rested, content, and feel good about yourself and the fit with your job, or you do not do justice to job, self or clients. It is OK to move on. In fact, in such a demanding profession, it is usually a healthy thing to have a change. I stayed at one place for 14 years .... BUT, my job description and tasks changed about every 1.5 or 2 years. Very important!

Then, about the sermon .... please always remember that sermons come from humans. They may be divinely inspired, but they are interpreted and spoken by (wo)men who may put their own spin on it, intentional or not. If the message is one that is damaging to you and if it is a repetitive theme, then you may have to make a change. But give heed to human error. Your spiritual relationship is not locked in to any earthly path, only the Greater one.

Hugs for your strength!