Sunday, October 04, 2009

A week I'd like to forget

Things have been very challenging for me to say the least over the last few weeks. The amount of time and energy I have been putting into my folks has been great . . .and very frustrating to say the least. The flood and then my father having to go to the hospital has been too much. I don't know what to do anymore to help them and I feel like I am waiting around for something horrible to happen to them, and at times I almost wish that would come sooner than later as I don't know how much longer I can handle the worrying. As a wise, wise social worker friend told me this week (thanks Friend!) you can't case manage your own family . . . I am so angry at them on so many levels that it feels at times like I will explode.

This week I did. It got to be too much and resorted to cutting again . . .something I haven't done in 6 years. I left therapy the other day and I was seething. Just so angry and I have never really been good at anger. When people in my life got angry, other people got hurt. So I decided long ago that getting angry at other people and letting them know it was not something I would do. I turned it all inward and at 12 began to cut. For me it was a way to feel . . when I was numb and needed the blood to remind me that I was still alive. A way to connect to myself and release some of that pressure that was building up inside. I don't expect others to understand this . . .I know it is not something most people can or want to understand. I used to hurt myself pretty badly and at times needed stitches, yet it wasn't about trying to end my life. I never remember feeling the pain of it all that I did to myself.

This was not true this week. I am not glad that I did it, but I am glad that not only did it hurt like hell, but it also gave me no relief what so ever. In fact for years I have been saying that if I ever went back to that I would be lost . . .I felt out of control during and afterwards as I wasn't sure how I could let myself get to that point again. I almost didn't do it as I knew my DP sees all of me and would know. As I drove around more I devised a story and decided I would do it in a place that I could say I fell or something. I didn't want to lie, but I was too far gone at that point in my head. Like a druggie looking to score I was blinded by the promise that my pain would soon end and I would be in control of my thoughts and feelings again. Little did I know that wasn't in the cards.

I came home and told DP and called shrinky dink. It was a rough day the next day and I am still off kilter. I need to find a way for anger to be appropriately expressed and know that I will not do to others what had been done to me in anger. In talking to DP she noted that in 7.5 years together she has never seen me angry. This, friends, is not ok. I need to be able to let this stuff go, and I also need the experience of being angry with others and not have them hurt me or leave. Shrinky dink say we will work harder on this, and that she will help.

In other news. . .This weekend I watched some kids yesterday and today went to church and did some yard work. We didn't go up to see the folks and it was best that way. Dad seems to be holding his own, and they have diagnosed him with gout. I guess he is in the clear of surgery right now and will be seeing a new doc tomorrow which will be good. This weekend I am in Atlantic City Thu-Saturday for a conference and then next weekend we will go up to see the folks on Sunday. The next weekend we go to TX to visit my brother and little tyke. I am excited about this trip.

In the meantime I am trying to be gentle with myself and not allow this to be the start of a downhill spiral. There's no need for that and I am on a hourly reminder system of that right now.


Lynilu said...

I'm sorry it was such a rough week, but it sounds to me like progress, nonetheless. There is no quick fix (you know that, of course), but you are meeting the challenges and you'll get through it. I know you will. :)

Daisy said...

I am SO sorry you're going through this rough spell. I'm glad you have Shrinky-Dink to talk to and DP who seems to be an understanding lovebug. If you'd like to talk, call me.


K J and the kids said...

Sorry you are having such a shitty week. 6 years is a long time to fall off of the wagon.
I'm glad it hurt. I know that sounds insensitive but I'm glad it didn't give you the feelings you were looking for. I'm so proud of you for being honest with your partner too.
Good luck with your appointment with your head shrink. If you need someone to yell at and get mad at...TOTALLY good at taking the abuse. Throw it my way :)

Caroline said...

I am sorry that you have had a rough couple of weeks.

I completely understand about the whole cutting thing. I didn't start cutting until I was in my late 20s and have not cut in 2+ years, but a few things happened in the last few weeks and those thoughts came up in my mind. It scared me and I shared with a close friend because I felt that by sharing it with someone than maybe I would not want to do it.

If you need to talk, please call me 785-766-6596. I am here for you and I understand those feelings you have.

Hugs and lots of love.

beans said...

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the words of encouragement and kicks in the ass . . .much needed!

Lyn- Yes, very hard, but you know, here I am at Monday and I am in good spirits so I am hoping that I can refocus myself and do what needs to be done. I seem to have a list of tasks to work on ;)

Daisy-DP was wonderful and while I know it was very very hard for her, she was amazing and provided the right kind of support. I have a feeling shrinky dink will likely have some more words for me when I see her this week . . .

KJ--Not insensitive at all . . .sometimes we all need to hear it like it is. I am thankful as well that it didn't do what I expected or I believe I could be in a different place right now. Being honest was hard, but I know in the long run having lied about it or just not telling her until later would have been worse. Maybe I will call you for some lessons in how to be constructively angry!

Caroline--ugh, it sucks and it is hard. I am glad you aren't doing it anymore, and are finding other ways to get through the cruddy times. I have made note of your number in my phone. I know things have been hard for you also lately, so you know where to find me as well.

Ok, off to work for real now!

Cheryl said...

I could tell how much stress you were under and felt so helpless to do anything. I want to remind you again, if you ever need to talk, any time, call me. Don't forget how helpful you were to me, when I was alone in a hotel room, with a daughter in a hospital.
I'm glad you opened up and are taking the steps you need to to get back in a better, more stable place. You need to put yourself first (I know what your thinking, I'm should practice what I preach, but I am trying), taking some time away from your parents right now is a good thing, your friend is so right, you can't be a case manager to your own family. Is it possible to get them some services, where they live? You need to protect your needs, your life with DP and your work with shrinky-dink.
I admire you for facing this head on and I believe you will get through it.

Jenster said...

Boy do I feel like an ass. I haven't been blog hopping at all lately and I had no idea what all was going on. All I DO know is that I was so happy to see you at church even if it was so you could see my 15 seconds of fame and facial hair on the big screen.

I may not have a clue as to what I'm talking about, but maybe it was good that you tried cutting again after all this time just to find out it doesn't fix anything.

Totally off subject here, but maybe not - how are your Fridays? Any chance we can get a Starbuck's meetup when you get back from Texas?

smallawei said...
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