Saturday, February 23, 2008

Oh, I don't know what to title this

Good Evening-and welcome to another installment of my life. This has been a rough week-though I think I am coming out the other side intact.

I have been having such a rush of emotions and feelings that I think I was like a computer that had gotten stuck. I needed to reboot and I think I am running a bit better now-that is until I got an email from my mother announcing that the move to TX is official-and I saw their house listed on I was hoping for that minute chance that things would fall through-and I know that is mean and inconsiderate-and I don't care! I did muster up A LOT of enthusiasm the last time I spoke to them, and they did offer to help fly us down there to visit.

Then in other news, I just felt like this week I was in the pits. I think I cried every day, and that is just not like me. I saw the shrinky dink on Monday, and then I called to see if she would be willing to see me again this week, and she did. She actually came out in the crappy snow day to see me-and I found out all her other clients canceled, but she still came to see me--I felt special. We had a good session, and she suggested that perhaps instead of looking for all the validation and love from my folks that I will not get, that I allot that energy to other things. Novel Idea-I know. She said that I should not keep asking them how they are-which will inevitably lead to mom telling me how bad she feels, and how this is wrong and that is wrong-yet they do nothing to change their circumstances. Instead I am to talk to them about anything else-the weather, the books I am reading, the things DP and I are doing. Reallocating all this energy is supposed to help me feel better, and realize those around me that do love and care for me. I think next week we will work on how to accept all that . . .acceptance is something I have a hard time with.

Accepting the life I have been given, accepting my medical conditions, accepting the challenges I have each day, accepting the GOOD things, accepting me for who I am. All of who I am. The slightly larger, rounder self. The self that has bags, and sags, and rolls and lumps and zits, and sometimes two chins and a bum shelf.

I also met with the church lady this week. I wanted to meet with her because I had been feeling out of sorts with god. I had been feeling like this sexuality thing is getting in the way of me and god. Not the way others might think, but in the way like this. I don't believe that god would make me gay, and then persecute me for that. With that said, given the hellacious week I was having, I was failing to turn to god. After all, I am going to hell for being a lesbian, so why should I pray. Why should I go to church, why this and why that. So I thought I would meet with the church lady to check things out. I said to her that I felt like I needed to be relying on god right now, but felt like I couldn't. Like it was all fake anyway and didn't mean anything since I couldn't change myself, and would always then be a perpetual sinner in the eyes of the church and god if I didn't change my sinful ways. Her response was very loving and gentle, and she said perhaps I just needed to be open to what god was doing-whatever that was. She didn't say that meant god was going to lead me away from this, or toward this . . that I just needed to be open. Then we got into a discussion about whether I thought god loved me the way I was, and I said no. She then proceeded to tell me that she wondered if I was looking at god much the same way I look at my parents-as judgmental and conditionally loving. She reminded me that god loves me the way I am . . .that's it. Then I went to home team, and we watched a video by one of my favorite people-Rob Bell-and the end of his message was that there is nothing that we can do to make god love us any less. nothing. Ok, I get it.

I started to pray again. Now, I don't feel like I am out of the woods yet, but at least I feel less conflicted about it.


Lynilu said...

I'm sorry you've had a rough week. Changes are difficult, for sure, and especially those that strike at the core.

About your spiritual struggle, I would say that god made you, and he isn't persecuting you; people are doing the persecuting. I'm not blaming here, just pointing out that people who read and interpret the Word make mistakes. I wish there were no judgments here on earth by people. We're not supposed to, because we don't know everything!

You need to listen to church lady ... I'd say she's got it going on!!

Jenster said...

I love our church and this is a great example of why. And "church lady" makes me think of Dana Carvey on SNL. lol

I'm sorry your week was so crappy and I wish I had these great words of wisdom for you. But, as usual, I don't. I'm also sorry Friday didn't work out (what with me being so much farther north and all), but I'm looking forward to Tuesday.