Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Mother's Day

I have been feeling really down in the dumps lately, and then tearing my ACL on Monday evening did not help. I will have surgery in a few weeks and the timing on this could be better, but not the worst I suppose.

I was pondering mother's day tonight and shuttered. I couldn't understand why until I sat there for a moment and realized something. When things were at their worst with my brother's abuse, I was 12 and had hurt my knee and was in a long leg brace. I thought I was safe from whatever he'd do to me since I had this thing on my knee and how could he possibly do that, right? Well, he did and I remember lying there thinking nothing could be worse in my life.

That was right before Mother's Day weekend, and that weekend, on Mother's day was when I attempted to kill myself for the first time. He never abused me again after that . . .

Here I am, about 19 years later . .week before Mother's day, knee brace on again and I just feel overwhelmed . . lost . ..scared . . .little . . .hurting

I know things are soo sooo SOOOOO different right now, but Mother's day has always been a sore time for me, and this year will be no different. We will head up there on Friday to surprise mom as her birthday is Friday and mother's day is Sunday.

I feel like I am always trying to make up for that time that I was so selfish . . .and fear I will be trying for a long time since I always seem to mess it up somehow when I am around my mother. I am so angry for so many things, and she and I will never be in a place together to be able to make amends. She feels I should just get over what happened with my brother and move on. How do you just move on from that? I have tried and have done and AMAZING job, but there are times that bring you down so quickly you don't even know where they came from . . .

Maybe this year will be different. Maybe this year I will really be thankful for my mother.

She wasn't all bad . . .and she tried . . .and did the best with what she had.

5 comments:

Jenster said...

I'm really wanting to say something brilliant here, but I've got nothing.

I hope you have a surprisingly good weekend. But I can sure understand why you feel the way you do.

Caroline said...

Thank you so much for having the courage to share what you do. Each time I read how brave you are in facing your past, it gives me a little bit of courage to share what has happened to me.

Cheryl said...

I think your very brave for sharing what you feel and it makes perfect sense why so many of these past issues would come up now. It is not true that time heals all wounds, how I wish that were the case. However, you are in a different place now, and you are safe and loved unconditionally. Hold tight to that love and safety net during your visit, and hopefully it will be a good weekend. If not, you are always in a position where you can leave. Especially, now that your knee is in such pain.
By the way, I hope your knee is not hurting your too much and the pain is under control. I'll be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.
XXXXXX

K J and the kids said...

I'm so sorry something so seemingly normal can throw your world in to a dark nightmare.
I hope that this weekend proves to be a pleasant and relaxed one.
I hope you are able to work yourself out of this hole.

Daisy said...

HUGS.