Sunday, February 22, 2009

I would walk 500 miles . .

It is always something. I am not sure if this is just my lot in life, but if it is, i want a refund.

Let me back up. Last weekend was the most fantastical weekend I have had in a long time. My brother and little tyke were here, and the visit couldn't have gone any better. I am amazed these days at how far i have come with this relationship--from absolutely hating this person, to not even thinking about what happened, and just loving the brother that i now have. i talked about this in therapy the other night, and it still just blows me away to see where i have come from. makes me feel like there is hope on some of the other issues--perhaps forgiving myself will have great results like this as well. . .but i am way off on that one. They left Monday and it was sad to see them go.

we drove up to my folks on Saturday to surprise them and boy were they shocked. they had no idea bro and little tyke were in town, and i think the visit went well.

Then on Monday i found out a resident passed away at work and it was just a long week trying to figure out what my role was-- and having my supervisor and i basically disagree about what my role should be. she is not a social worker, but a behaviorist, and felt that my offering to help staff was counter to what i should be doing, and not appropriate. she doesn't want me blurring those lines with staff and counseling them. while i get that the social workers before me set up a poor boundary with staff, i felt that offering to help staff during this crisis would not only be part of my job, but welcomed--all the while recognizing that i would be supporting staff, not counseling them--we both debated the difference and she didn't seem like there was one. other people felt it sure was nice of me to offer to help staff through this hard time. The guy died quite traumatically, and everyone was in a hard space. even though i knew him and his family, i didn't know them THAT well. but whenever one of the guys dies, i always think about my own brother.

who is apparently not doing well health wise, and my parents still won't deal with his weight issues . . .i think sometimes they want him to die so they won't have to worry about what will happen to him. how else could you know that your child's heart would give at any moment and still not work on it--or even look like you are working on it. very very very frustrating!! maybe if i just start telling myself he will die soon will make it hurt less when it does.

then on Tuesday i decided that i needed to go to the doctor to see about my foot-which wasn't getting any better. i had been hobbling for few weeks. to recap for those who are new, i sprained my ankle two Decembers ago, and during that i tore a bit of my Achilles. i rehabbed it, got better, and periodically would have a few days where it would hurt and then it would get better. the doc said that the torn part probably is getting caught in the joint and making it hurt. i probably need surgery, but it is a long, painful surgery and rehab and i just don't have time for that. so i see the doc again and he takes more xrays and says now i have the added bonus of having a heel spur and a haglands deformity--which looks just like another spur type thing. he thinks the best thing is a cam walker--which is a giant black boot-to rest it so the inflammation goes down. i really like this doc, but since my insurance will be changing on 3/1, he no longer will be able to see me. i know i am fortunate to have medical coverage at all, but i am mourning the loss of my super duper insurance from the old place. i still have it until the end of the month, but then i go to a lower coverage and have to deal with referrals and the like.

who knows where this will end up. it still hurts in the boot, hurts out of the boot. i don't know. i am driving two footed, and i know that isn't the best, but it isn't like i can just stop life--that's not an option right now. i don't have disability benefits until i am there a year.

ok, i am done. went to church today and they talked about their trip to kenya and i am psyched and thinking seriously about whether or not going to kenya in 2010 would be in the cards for me--which i know is a ridiculous thought given my current health status . . . .

went shopping today and apparently the world has been rid of khaki pants, and no one sent me the memo. i am in desperate need of khaki pants and they are no where to be found. i did get a few things--OHHHHH, and went to this super cool plus size boutique last week and got some really neato things. i tried on a million things, and i felt good knowing that the women there would say things looked great on me, and equally they would let me know when things looked not so good. i ended up buying some staple pieces that i can wear with other things, and some super cute things that i was able to preview this week at work. i spent a lot of money on clothes--which is always hard for me, and DP likes to tease me about how much i spent. it was a lot, but i felt cute which rarely happens.

spent Friday night at my folks cleaning out crap again. i was far more grumpy this time than last, but i think it had more to do with me being in pain then my mother being particularly irritating-though she had plenty of that in her too. they are coming to our house next Sunday, and leave for Texas Monday for a month to see my brother. they are excited, but haven't flown in forever and are very worried about all the logistics. i am too, then i remember i don't have to be worried cause they are grown up and can worry about themselves. oh, and did i mention that we will have their dog for the month?? and that their dog is slightly "off" . . weird ass dog if i have ever seen one. should be interesting. we think she will either get better, or die of anxiety.

what else .. .the kids are good. rainy and snowy today so there is mud--BUT GUESS WHAT?? we have hired a lawn care man and he says our lawn isn't the worst he has seen, and he can help. it was a really decent deal and we are waiting to sign on the dotted line.

YEAH--maybe no more mud puddles at some point in the future. i was already prepped that it will take time, but i am ok with that!

ok, i gotta jet since the light in the room had faded, and i am about to lose all my battery juice. hope all is well in your parts of the world.


Lynilu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lynilu said...

The past week has been difficult for many people I've talked with or read on blogs. Perhaps the alignment of the stars? I don't know. I'm sorry yours in one of them. I guess we wouldn't appreciate the good ones as much if we didn't have these to remind us, would we? Hugs for your heart. :)

Daisy said...

I am very sorry that you had a bad week. Here is hoping for better days ahead.

Reading about your parents dog being "off" did make me laugh though!!! :-)

Sending you a big ole HUG!

Cheryl said...

What a week you had, so many ups and frustrations. (((HUGS)))
I'm glad the visit with your brother went so well. Healing takes so much time, but it is nice where we can get to a place and enjoy the present relationship, without all the old, painful stuff coming up!

I think what you did witht the staff is not only wonderful, but part of your job. I hope your supervisor can get a clue! It is probably because she is not a Social Worker. Patting ourselves on the back.

I hope you feel better. When I broke my knee caps, I would think I was going along well and they would act up again. It was a frustrating process.

Thanks so much for commenting on Melanie's words. It meant SO MUCH to her. She went off to bed with a huge smile. I think she is putting her toe in the blogging world. She is so sensitive and afraid of being put down. I love that she is getting her feelings out. She has been in such pain lately and having Hannah home has been a huge adjustment.

Hope your Thurday and Friday go much better.

Thinking of you often!