I don't want to work . . .

. . . I wanna bang on the drum all day!

Things this week have been kinda hectic. Mostly because I have no focus and am SO ready for a vacation. We leave next Saturday for a conference for a week, then we come back for about 4 days and we're off to WI. We didn't get to go on vacation last year, and now I am ready.

I have been working on becoming a respite provider, and today I will start with a family. I actually know this child from the private work I did in grad school, but it is the first official time I will be doing this with her. She is good, and should be a fun time.

I got the thanks but no thanks letter from the big university I interviewed with. I am really ok with it, since it would have been a huge decision of what to do on a lot of levels if they had actually offered me the job. I did interview at a school for children with cerebral palsy, and that interview went really well. For the first time in a while, when I saw those kids I got really excited. Like those are the kinds of kids and place that I would like to be. There are some issues that would need to be addressed if they offered me that position--pay, the fact that they want someone part time for a little while then move to full time, etc. They were super nice folks, and I look forward to being called back for a second interview.

Therapy continues to go well-as well as getting a mental ass kicking can go. But I think it has been good. I am looking forward to a break, while trying not to shut down with one more week to go.

Well, I am off to walk to dog and get ready for my day. Hope all is well in your corners!

Addie's Corner- The lost Episode!

I was so traumatized I forgot that I had this post waiting. This was the pictures from the pool. I can't even talk about it . . .

Kid's Camp-Big Top

Hello All-

I have been very busy . . .playing with my princess computer and trying to figure out how to network the printer, wondering what's wrong with Addie now (one of her in-between toe areas is swollen), hearing about Riley and his trip to grandma and grandpa's house where he will live until we pick him up, and volunteering at our church's kids camp. This year it was a circus theme, and they went all out and made everything look like a circus-including a big inflatable elephant on top of the building.

They had over 900 kids this year, and for the first time I was able to work all three days. I had a group of 4th graders, and it was a lot of fun-and the kids seemed to really be into the message and asked great questions about god. The camp is very active-in and out of a variety of different game stations, inflatables, inside for message and singing, back outside for crafts and other fun activities. It was a neat experience. I even met a few other people in my church--which is rather large.

The lead teacher of our group suggested that I would be good at leading a group of kids, and after she said it a few times, I said "I can't". I didn't tell her why-that since I am gay I am not allowed to do that. Mostly since I was afraid she would think less of me . . .I know the church rules and I understand them, it is just hard sometimes. I told her I would talk to her more about it over coffee one day and she said she would like that. We'll see . . .

Overall it was a great experience, but I am TIRED!! I am baby sitting tonight, and I worked this morning, and then mowed the lawn in the 95 degree heat and immediately jumped in the neighbors pool.

I need a nap!

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Addendum based on comments-->

Here's the deal-according to their policies--they do not allow folks to teach if they are in any kind of relationship/situation that is not in accordance to the bible teachings. For instance, if a man was living with a woman prior to marriage they would not be able to be a lead teacher. If they knew someone was in an active addition or whatever, they wouldn't be allowed to lead in a ministry position. So the same rules apply to me, I guess. I am not living in a way that is according to the bible, and therefore I cannot be a lead teacher of any kind, or head up any kind of ministry. I can be an assistant--which I do in various children's areas. This was talked about before the whole Brian sermon thing. I knew this before I invested myself in this church.

But see, I get that. And most of the time I am fine with that. Just at times when I am psyched up, and I know I have awesome gifts, and I want to use them--I just feel kinda slighted. They are not being unfair to just me--these were the ground rules coming in.

I know it sounds bad in the scheme of acceptance and toleration. But this church has been great for me, and they have supported me. Short of coming out and hanging a rainbow flag, they are there for me. My spirituality is very important to me, and having this place that I can go to and experience and foster this is an integral part of my life. This church has been so very good for me on many levels. I have been to other gay affirming churches that have done nothing for me. I guess there is compromise in everything.

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything to who? To them about being gay? This was my choice when I started to really like the church. I had been kicked out of another church when I was younger for being gay, and I wanted the option to walk away of it was going to be a huge issue. I knew if I had been kicked out of another church, I would walk away forever. There is no bouncing back from that twice. That is why Brian's sermon recently through me for such a tailspin.

Not being able to teach is not a huge issue-just sometimes when I think about it too much . . .

I don't want to sound like I am bashing the church, because I am not. . .

I hope one day everyone will see that my sexuality is not something I have chosen, and that God has made me this way. I can either embrace that, or keep running. Quite frankly, my feet are tired of running. Unless God has other plans, for now I am who I am.

The princess inside

I have a secret that I have been hiding from all of you. The secret is . . . .

I have a little princess inside that is dying to get out. I first discovered this a few months ago when I was looking for a new sleepy time outfit. I usually like the shelf bra type of shirts or night shirts, but I was having a hard time finding one of those that would suffice. I settled for looking at TJ MAXX.

What I found there was a purple (which is my favorite color) nighty-sleepy-thing, that happened to have ever so slight little things on the bottom-I don't even know what they are called. They have layers-kind of, like two layers of little swishy fabric. Well, they have become known as my princess pajamas.

No, they don't have barbies or princesses on them--but if I twirl fast enough (which is hard to do at my age and stature, since any kind of twirling makes me want to hurl) you can see the little flowy part on the bottom flail out and it is very fun.

With that said, I was recently taxed with the burden of looking for a new laptop to replace mine that was dying-and in fact just turned itself off periodically--which was more often these days. We went to Best Buy to by father in law's birthday present, and lo and behold I see a laptop that catches my eye. Why would any old laptop catch my eye??

Well, this one happens to be a lovely cosmopolitan pink color!! It is not hot pink or really girly pink, but a nice metallic pink. We went home and thought about life with a pink computer would do to my reputation, and in the end I though it sounded great! We drove to Delaware the next day for some tax free shopping, and I am the proud new owner of the following cosmopolitan pink laptop.

I really like it so far. What I love most right now is the very similar feel it has to the ibook. I had one of those at my last job and I liked the feel and look of the newer keypads. It also has a slot right on it for an SD card, which means I can blog more often with pictures since I am not reliant on DP's computer for the camera hook up. I like the Vista so far as well, though I am sure I will find some things that are not good, for now I am thoroughly enjoying my princess computer.

Now won't it be a fun princess-y day when I work on my princess computer in my princess pj's???

Stick a fork in me, I am done!!

Addie's Corner Episode 4

Well, it seems as if I have a fan club. How cool am I??

Well, things around here have been exciting. The new routine of the moms getting up early hadn't worked out quite as planned, but we are back on track this morning. I forgot how to walk nicely with my leash and the moms got tough with me. Even my cute face didn't work. They say I am getting smarter with my training.

Guess what?? Last week at school we had to do an obstacle course and do commands--and the best part was the moms couldn't use any words. My mom put her hand up for us to go first--(which by the way was huge since she never volunteers for anything!! Go MOM!) We went up to the first obstacle and I did great for the whole thing. In fact, I think I did the best of all the dogs. I was so happy. I even got to go to the center of the circle and show off a bit. The moms were so happy they called grandpa right away and told them. See, I really am smart!!!

What else--OHHHH, big news on the little brother front. He gets to come home to grandpa's house a week earlier since he is doing so good and getting big and strong. You can read more about him here. The moms have officially chosen the red puppy, who will be named Riley. I think I am finally excited about this and can't wait to have someone to play with me ALL the time. I have so many things planned like frisbee, walking, running, chewing up stuff, er, I mean teaching him to not chew on stuff, playing with Casey . . . .

I have also been doing something sneaky which we don't want to tell moms about--but I have secretly been eating the pea plants that stick up over the fence. Yup, they are really good!!! SHHH, don't tell anyone, ok?


These flowers are so pretty that I thought I would pose by them. Check me out!!

WOOF!

One more thing . . .

We finally got our cable, and after a slight snafu, we have been blissfully provided with hours of entertainment courtesy of Comcast. I can now watch many episodes of random things on HBO, Showtime, the Green Channel--all on demand. I watched a few episodes of In Treatment the other day and am completely hooked.

It is amazing!!

I still think the Tivo was easier to work than the On demand, but I guess I will get used to. Now we don't have to spend money renting Big Love and the L word anymore.

Oh, the little things that bring joy to our lives.

Freaky Friday

Ok, so there's nothing really freaky about today, I just needed a title, and the creative juices are quite limited these days.

I have been around. Work was busy this week, as I had 4 new referrals and a bunch of meetings. I still haven't heard from the job I interviewed at, but that is ok. The more I think about it, the more I feel it wouldn't really be a good match--though it would be great place to work for, I think they want things I don't feel comfortable delivering-like research and things I don't have any clue about. I think I know I want to at least finish pursuing my clinical license which I wouldn't be able to do there. I am staying put until something better comes around. I still have two irons in the fire as possibilities, but I am just laying low.

I have been looking into being a respite care provider for special needs kids, and I have been going through the process to to this. Last night we had our home study, which while very informal, was a little daunting. At the end, we wondered how many people would allow their kids to come stay in a lesbian household. It will be interesting to see how that all pans out.

Therapy is still going very well, but hard. I am looking forward to a break when we go away in August. Enough said about that for now. I start the group for women with PCOS tomorrow and I am looking forward to that.

Meanwhile, DP and I found a very peculiar bug on our tomatoes today, and it looked something like this. Now, I implore you to google "horn worm" and look at the disgusting pictures that come up. Just looking for this picture was enough to make me want to vomit--especially the ones that have wasp larvae on them. GAG me now. I suppose at some point we will need to go out and search for more since they seem to be eating at our tomatoes. Filthy bastards . . .


On another note, we have these beautiful flowers growing in our backyard. I shall leave you with this image--one much more pleasing to the eye . . .

Addie's Corner-Episode 3

It is rainy over here in our parts, and that make playing outside even more fun. I get all muddy and stuff, and when I come in they dry me off with a big ol' towel. Moms moved the big thing with the TV in it today--something to do with getting cable . . .and I found a ball that I took outside with me. It was great fun. Mom ran over one of my other balls with the big loud lawnmower. Silly mommy.

Yesterday we tried to go on a walk twice, but it poured both times. The later one I was most excited about cause we were going to the big park and there are lots of yummy smells there, and even some dogs. But when we got there it rained rained rained on our heads.

Today I got something very special for a treat. The moms made these round fluffy things for breakfast and I got to have some. It was so yummy in my tummy, and I was even gentle about taking it from them. Sometimes I get very excited and I forget that I can't also eat their fingers!

There are some new pictures of my little brother that you should all look at--not that I am in any way shape or form agreeing to this business of a new puppy brother, but I might as well show you all how cute he is. Moms are looking at red collared boy, with blue collar being a second choice for now. I kinda can't wait to have someone I can play with. The cat hasn't been much fun to play with.

I should go. The front door is open, so I can look at all the cars going by and wait for the cable guy.




WOOF!

Therapy

I am on a blog roll today. I had actually wrote a few up last week and then forgot to post them. Silly beans.

I wanted to talk a little bit about what has been happening with therapy. Things have been very intense, but not in a way that I'd experienced them in the past. I really feel like shrinky-dink and I are making important headway on some big issues. As a result, last week, this week, and maybe the next few weeks I will go twice a week. This has been good, but I am mentally exhausted.

Some of the things that we have been tackling is the idea around forgiving myself for things that I have done, and recognizing what role, if any, I had in the things that have happened in my past. For the first time I am being truly candid about how I feel about things, and this has enriched the work that we are doing in major ways. Typically I spend so much energy filtering what I am saying for fear of being judged. Right now the thoughts, the words, the feelings, the experiences are flowing and we are going with it.

It is nice to work intensely and not have it necessarily be because I am in crisis. I am so thankful everyday for the medical coverage I have that allows me to see this wonderful woman, and to know that we are doing good work.

I will be starting to attend a group next week for women who have PCOS and eating issues. I will be very interested to see how that works for me. It is run by a nutritionist that I used to see, and another psychologist. The reason I am excited about this group, is many of the groups for PCOS have been centered around fertility issues, which is not necessarily my beef with the disorder. I just want to deal the weight issues associated with it, and learn how to manage the food/feeling connection a little better. I am very bitter about the fact that every time I put a carb in my mouth, I might as well tack a few pounds onto some part of my body. Clearly I still have some issues to iron out here.

Caroline over in her blog wrote so eloquently about some things that mirror the struggles I have. Check it out. I struggle a lot still to really be able to see what others see in me. For instance, I received a glowing recommendation letter last week from the head of the child development department at a local hospital (she and I work together). Well, I am reading this letter and I am like who in the heck is she talking about . . .clearly not me. To quote Caroline in her blog . . . "If you were to look at my insides I am sure they would be all black and blue from all the horrible things I say and do to myself." I wish I could see what others see. I am not sure where the blockage it, but it is imperative that I get to the root of it, cause it is killing me inside.

Comments

Ok, so I am noticing that people do different things with comments-and responding to comments. I typically haven't responded to comments, but I thought I might try it and see what happens.

Be sure to check back and maybe I will have had talked back to ya!!

Addie's Corner-Episode 2

Howdy there!

The past few week's excitement included a trip to a pool. Now I don't know who in their right mind thought that it would be a good idea to have dogs swim, but it sure as heck wasn't me. Mom's took me to a pool, and they dragged me in. See, they say they love me, and want what's best for me, but really they are out to get me. It wasn't fun--nope, not one bit of it. I was sure to let them know about my displeasure with sad puppy eyes all afternoon.

They say they won't take me back to that pool since the pool was disgusting, but that I will eventually have to swim again. Something about it being good for my hips.
We'll see about that . . .

My tummy had hurt last week and I threw up a few times. I am not sure why, but mom was nice and she cleaned my bed up for me and gave me lots of love. Mom "forgot" to feed me before her big meeting--which she looked really pretty for!!! When she came home, I got to have a snack of kibble and applesauce. It was yummy. I am feeling much better now.

We have all started a new routine. I finally convinced moms that they should get up with me really early in the morning to take me for a walk. Now I don't have to whine so much since they get right up and we go in the car and find a place to walk. Today they even jogged a little round and round and round they went. It was very funny to chase after their bottoms.

I helped them install an air conditioner today in the office. This means that we can blog some more since it won't be what mom calls an "oven" in the office anymore. I licked their legs and made them giggle when they were holding the big heavy box. Hehe

Well, I am off to chase the cat. She and I played a bit this morning before she got her claws out. Silly cat.

WOOF!