Thursday, July 03, 2008

Therapy

I am on a blog roll today. I had actually wrote a few up last week and then forgot to post them. Silly beans.

I wanted to talk a little bit about what has been happening with therapy. Things have been very intense, but not in a way that I'd experienced them in the past. I really feel like shrinky-dink and I are making important headway on some big issues. As a result, last week, this week, and maybe the next few weeks I will go twice a week. This has been good, but I am mentally exhausted.

Some of the things that we have been tackling is the idea around forgiving myself for things that I have done, and recognizing what role, if any, I had in the things that have happened in my past. For the first time I am being truly candid about how I feel about things, and this has enriched the work that we are doing in major ways. Typically I spend so much energy filtering what I am saying for fear of being judged. Right now the thoughts, the words, the feelings, the experiences are flowing and we are going with it.

It is nice to work intensely and not have it necessarily be because I am in crisis. I am so thankful everyday for the medical coverage I have that allows me to see this wonderful woman, and to know that we are doing good work.

I will be starting to attend a group next week for women who have PCOS and eating issues. I will be very interested to see how that works for me. It is run by a nutritionist that I used to see, and another psychologist. The reason I am excited about this group, is many of the groups for PCOS have been centered around fertility issues, which is not necessarily my beef with the disorder. I just want to deal the weight issues associated with it, and learn how to manage the food/feeling connection a little better. I am very bitter about the fact that every time I put a carb in my mouth, I might as well tack a few pounds onto some part of my body. Clearly I still have some issues to iron out here.

Caroline over in her blog wrote so eloquently about some things that mirror the struggles I have. Check it out. I struggle a lot still to really be able to see what others see in me. For instance, I received a glowing recommendation letter last week from the head of the child development department at a local hospital (she and I work together). Well, I am reading this letter and I am like who in the heck is she talking about . . .clearly not me. To quote Caroline in her blog . . . "If you were to look at my insides I am sure they would be all black and blue from all the horrible things I say and do to myself." I wish I could see what others see. I am not sure where the blockage it, but it is imperative that I get to the root of it, cause it is killing me inside.

6 comments:

Mind Body Shop said...

Nothing is more important than the person inside. Therapy exits for the person inside; it has no other purpose.

beans said...

I have been spammed a bunch with this post, and so I have had to enable word verification. Sorry folks . . .

Jenster said...

I wish you could see what the rest of us see, too. Because it's somebody totally wonderful and worth knowing.

beans said...

Jen-hopefully it will rub off on me as I spend more time with all you folks who think I am so wonderful!! It already has begun! Thanks for helping . . .

Lynilu said...

You know, Beans, the mental fatigue you are feeling has a good purpose in therapy, and you touched on it in your post. I found that many times clients did better at the process when they were not so able to fight against the old baggage being drug out into the sunlight and opened up for everything to spill out. I think sometimes we say the most profound things when we are "defenseless," because we don't stop to think, "What will people think if I say '_______'." I'm glad you've found this place with your therapist and are moving ahead into the exciting (but sometimes shadowy and frightening), freeing levels of therapy! :)

Our past is with us forever, but as we recognize the problem areas, we are better able to tuck them into the trunk on wheels rather than keeping them in the backpack that weighs us down with every step!

beans said...

Lyn-thanks for the reality check. I know it is good, and that this is what I have been looking for--but it is always much easier wished for than actually done. I am tired even thinking about going to tx today. Though, most of August I will be away, so it is actually good timing for this. We'll need a break from each other for a while.

I can't remember if she said it, or if I read it somewhere, but it goes something like the only thing you can change about your past is how you let it affect you. This has stuck with me and makes very much sense . . .