Saturday, July 19, 2008

Kid's Camp-Big Top

Hello All-

I have been very busy . . .playing with my princess computer and trying to figure out how to network the printer, wondering what's wrong with Addie now (one of her in-between toe areas is swollen), hearing about Riley and his trip to grandma and grandpa's house where he will live until we pick him up, and volunteering at our church's kids camp. This year it was a circus theme, and they went all out and made everything look like a circus-including a big inflatable elephant on top of the building.

They had over 900 kids this year, and for the first time I was able to work all three days. I had a group of 4th graders, and it was a lot of fun-and the kids seemed to really be into the message and asked great questions about god. The camp is very active-in and out of a variety of different game stations, inflatables, inside for message and singing, back outside for crafts and other fun activities. It was a neat experience. I even met a few other people in my church--which is rather large.

The lead teacher of our group suggested that I would be good at leading a group of kids, and after she said it a few times, I said "I can't". I didn't tell her why-that since I am gay I am not allowed to do that. Mostly since I was afraid she would think less of me . . .I know the church rules and I understand them, it is just hard sometimes. I told her I would talk to her more about it over coffee one day and she said she would like that. We'll see . . .

Overall it was a great experience, but I am TIRED!! I am baby sitting tonight, and I worked this morning, and then mowed the lawn in the 95 degree heat and immediately jumped in the neighbors pool.

I need a nap!

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Addendum based on comments-->

Here's the deal-according to their policies--they do not allow folks to teach if they are in any kind of relationship/situation that is not in accordance to the bible teachings. For instance, if a man was living with a woman prior to marriage they would not be able to be a lead teacher. If they knew someone was in an active addition or whatever, they wouldn't be allowed to lead in a ministry position. So the same rules apply to me, I guess. I am not living in a way that is according to the bible, and therefore I cannot be a lead teacher of any kind, or head up any kind of ministry. I can be an assistant--which I do in various children's areas. This was talked about before the whole Brian sermon thing. I knew this before I invested myself in this church.

But see, I get that. And most of the time I am fine with that. Just at times when I am psyched up, and I know I have awesome gifts, and I want to use them--I just feel kinda slighted. They are not being unfair to just me--these were the ground rules coming in.

I know it sounds bad in the scheme of acceptance and toleration. But this church has been great for me, and they have supported me. Short of coming out and hanging a rainbow flag, they are there for me. My spirituality is very important to me, and having this place that I can go to and experience and foster this is an integral part of my life. This church has been so very good for me on many levels. I have been to other gay affirming churches that have done nothing for me. I guess there is compromise in everything.

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything to who? To them about being gay? This was my choice when I started to really like the church. I had been kicked out of another church when I was younger for being gay, and I wanted the option to walk away of it was going to be a huge issue. I knew if I had been kicked out of another church, I would walk away forever. There is no bouncing back from that twice. That is why Brian's sermon recently through me for such a tailspin.

Not being able to teach is not a huge issue-just sometimes when I think about it too much . . .

I don't want to sound like I am bashing the church, because I am not. . .

I hope one day everyone will see that my sexuality is not something I have chosen, and that God has made me this way. I can either embrace that, or keep running. Quite frankly, my feet are tired of running. Unless God has other plans, for now I am who I am.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow. They won't "let you?" Your church sounds pretty F'd up. You don't need them.

JennyLucas said...

Honey, is that what Terri told you? That you weren't allowed to teach? I mean, I know what Brian said during that sermon but maybe you shouldn't have said anything. I don't know, I could be wrong. But you know how I feel about the situation, so my opinion might be a little skewed! :)

beans said...

Here's the deal-according to their policies--they do not allow folks to teach if they are in any kind of relationship/situation that is not in accordance to the bible teachings. For instance, if a man was living with a woman prior to marriage they would not be able to be a lead teacher. If they knew someone was in an active addition or whatever, they wouldn't be allowed to lead in a ministry position. So the same rules apply to me, I guess. I am not living in a way that is according to the bible, and therefore I cannot be a lead teacher of any kind, or head up any kind of ministry. I can be an assistant--which I do in various children's areas. This was talked about before the whole Brian sermon thing. I knew this before I invested myself in this church.

But see, I get that. And most of the time I am fine with that. Just at times when I am psyched up, and I know I have awesome gifts, and I want to use them--I just feel kinda slighted. They are not being unfair to just me--these were the ground rules coming in.

Anon-I know it sounds bad, in the scheme of acceptance and toleration. But this church has been great for me, and they have supported me. Short of coming out and hanging a rainbow flag, they are there for me. My spirituality is very important to me, and having this place that I can go to and experience and foster this is an integral part of my life. This church has been so very good for me on many levels. I have been to other gay affirming churches that have done nothing for me. I guess there is compromise in everything.

Jenny-see above-think I answered you. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything to who? To them about being gay? This was my choice when I started to really like the church. I had been kicked out of another church when I was younger for being gay, and I wanted the option to walk away of it was going to be a huge issue. I knew if I had been kicked out of another church, I would walk away forever. There is no bouncing back from that twice. That is why Brian's sermon recently through me for such a tailspin.

Not being able to teach is not a huge issue-just sometimes when I think about it too much . . .

I don't want to sound like I am bashing the church, because I am not. . .

I hope one day everyone will see that my sexuality is not something I have chosen, and that God has made me this way. I can either embrace that, or keep running. Quite frankly, my feet are tired of running. Unless God has other plans, for now I am who I am.

Lynilu said...

Beans, I hope you will one day be able to live fully out. As long as something is hanging over your head, it can interfere with your spiritual peace. Whether this church or another, it is important that you are allowed to be exactly, completely who you are.

You seem like an amazing, terrific, and loving person, and it would be awesome to know you never have to tip-toe again in your life. :)

JennyLucas said...

I didn't mean you shouldn't have told about your sexuality - I know they know. You know I'm all cool with it and I would never say that you should hide it or deny it. All I meant was maybe you shouldn't have told the team leader that you couldn't teach. But I understand if you felt you had to.

Michelle said...

I attend CCV also, and my bf and I live together. (We are getting married in Sept.) I, at one point, had considered applying for a position in their preschool since I have plenty of experience and know that I'm qualified. Things happened, and I couldn't, but I didn't know that had I done it I wouldn't have got the job anyway. I had no idea that the policies are what they are. (Of course, I guess I never really asked either.) It makes sense, and I'm glad that they do welcome everyone there, in one way or another.

Jenster said...

I, for one, am very glad you come to CCV. I'm also glad you know God loves you and you haven't been made to feel any differently at church. I am sorry for your limitations, though, 'cause I know you ROCK!