Thursday, February 28, 2008

Yes, I know . .

I am becoming one of those people who doesn't update her blog for a really long time. Just when I have record numbers of readers . . .like 10 now . . .and I drop the ball.

I promise one will come this weekend. I am feeling little gremlins in my throat and chest . . .I hope they go away soon. I.don'!

Hope all is well.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Basement workspace

OK, so I have a project in mind. We have a basement-which I have tried to convince my DP is finshable, and she adamantly states that it is not. I get that it may not be finshable, but I feel that it is a good space none the less.

Let me rewind- I have always longed for a space of my own. I have referred to this space as a proverbial "beanie shack". Now if you knew my real name, this title would sound much more fun, but in the name of anonymity, we shall call it a beanie shack.

Ok, so said beanie shack would be a place where I would just be free to create, draw, paint, write, lounge whatever. I have envisioned this place to be small, cozy, must have a comfy bean bag or chair. I have, at times, envisioned it having wall to wall space that I could paint on, or write on when I felt inspired. Are you getting a picture? Any small space I see, I think, "oh, that would make a great beanie shack" DP thinks I am a nut job, and I am ok with this.

Back to the basement-so I have had this bright idea to make a corner of the basement into a quasi beanie shack. Mostly because I thought I would like to do more scrapbooking, and I don't have a place to do that here, but also because I think the basement is ok. I know the walls don't look great, and the ceiling is . . .well, the ceiling has lots and lots of bugs, but they can be sucked up. Overall, it is a dry space, and I am determined to make a corner of it a piece of my own.

I have decided that I will have a table in the one corner, and I will obtain a carpet remnant to put down. Then, thanks to a suggestion from my DP, I will use this purple sheet that I have to cover the walls-since the foundation is stone, you see the stone and the crumbly white stuff on the stone (how's that for technical terminology). We were out and about tonight and I bought a small Ott lamp. There is some light, and we just got glass block windows installed down there, but I thought having something brighter would be useful. Then I can put all of my scrapbooking stuff down there, and work on it when I want. I don't have to worry about cleaning it up all the time, and not having space. Perhaps someday I will even have a bean bag chair down there . . .specifically I would want a love sac . . .but that's for when I win the lottery, and/or we build a garage with a space above which will have a beanie space in it.

Maybe once I finish it I will post some pictures. I am very excited about this!!!

Oh, I don't know what to title this

Good Evening-and welcome to another installment of my life. This has been a rough week-though I think I am coming out the other side intact.

I have been having such a rush of emotions and feelings that I think I was like a computer that had gotten stuck. I needed to reboot and I think I am running a bit better now-that is until I got an email from my mother announcing that the move to TX is official-and I saw their house listed on I was hoping for that minute chance that things would fall through-and I know that is mean and inconsiderate-and I don't care! I did muster up A LOT of enthusiasm the last time I spoke to them, and they did offer to help fly us down there to visit.

Then in other news, I just felt like this week I was in the pits. I think I cried every day, and that is just not like me. I saw the shrinky dink on Monday, and then I called to see if she would be willing to see me again this week, and she did. She actually came out in the crappy snow day to see me-and I found out all her other clients canceled, but she still came to see me--I felt special. We had a good session, and she suggested that perhaps instead of looking for all the validation and love from my folks that I will not get, that I allot that energy to other things. Novel Idea-I know. She said that I should not keep asking them how they are-which will inevitably lead to mom telling me how bad she feels, and how this is wrong and that is wrong-yet they do nothing to change their circumstances. Instead I am to talk to them about anything else-the weather, the books I am reading, the things DP and I are doing. Reallocating all this energy is supposed to help me feel better, and realize those around me that do love and care for me. I think next week we will work on how to accept all that . . .acceptance is something I have a hard time with.

Accepting the life I have been given, accepting my medical conditions, accepting the challenges I have each day, accepting the GOOD things, accepting me for who I am. All of who I am. The slightly larger, rounder self. The self that has bags, and sags, and rolls and lumps and zits, and sometimes two chins and a bum shelf.

I also met with the church lady this week. I wanted to meet with her because I had been feeling out of sorts with god. I had been feeling like this sexuality thing is getting in the way of me and god. Not the way others might think, but in the way like this. I don't believe that god would make me gay, and then persecute me for that. With that said, given the hellacious week I was having, I was failing to turn to god. After all, I am going to hell for being a lesbian, so why should I pray. Why should I go to church, why this and why that. So I thought I would meet with the church lady to check things out. I said to her that I felt like I needed to be relying on god right now, but felt like I couldn't. Like it was all fake anyway and didn't mean anything since I couldn't change myself, and would always then be a perpetual sinner in the eyes of the church and god if I didn't change my sinful ways. Her response was very loving and gentle, and she said perhaps I just needed to be open to what god was doing-whatever that was. She didn't say that meant god was going to lead me away from this, or toward this . . that I just needed to be open. Then we got into a discussion about whether I thought god loved me the way I was, and I said no. She then proceeded to tell me that she wondered if I was looking at god much the same way I look at my parents-as judgmental and conditionally loving. She reminded me that god loves me the way I am . . .that's it. Then I went to home team, and we watched a video by one of my favorite people-Rob Bell-and the end of his message was that there is nothing that we can do to make god love us any less. nothing. Ok, I get it.

I started to pray again. Now, I don't feel like I am out of the woods yet, but at least I feel less conflicted about it.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Unacceptable working conditions

Hello . . .It finally snowed some. Nothing major, but I will take it. It looked nice out there all white and fluffy. Except it wasn't . . it was the heavy, water logged snow. Oh well. I shoveled my driveway for the first time and it was good.

Now, onto better things. So as you know by now, some days I work at home. We have a room that we use as an office. DP and I both have a desk with computers and the like. It is a good space. Well, you see, the cat also feels as if the desk is hers. I wanted to give you an idea of what I end up contending with-like right now she is sitting to the right of the keyboard trying to rest her head on my typing fingers . . .this is difficult. These are unacceptable working conditions.
At times you will see her like this:
Restraining my arm . . .

Checking over my work and making comments about content . . .

Clearly not respecting my space . . .see the work out on the desk . . she doesn't see the work apparently . . .

Just lounging . . .in the way . . .

Oh well. She is very cute, and I know she loves me . . or the warm laptop I work on . . .either way. I thought I would share some pictures with you and show you what I deal with when I am on my computer trying to work!!

Hope everyone is well-

Sunday, February 17, 2008



OK, for those of you that thought I had succumbed to the dark side, I would like to reassure you that I am ok. Things have been busy the last few days, but I had a good weekend and I am looking forward to my week. I have a light week ahead, a trip to the dentist (which I am SOOO looking forward to . .an aside, I've gone to the dentist every six months for like the last 30 years, and because of the job switch it has been longer and I need clean teeth, I need them NOW), getting our taxes done, and finally, a visit from a certified arborist. What could be better?

I will write more soon. I promise. Off to bed. Tonights dinner was oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. I feel slightly ill. DP, who has been a bad influence on me the last few days, has promised we are back on the bandwagon tomorrow. I am so easily swayed . .

Hope all of you are well.


I recognize that I am an adult and have made my own decisions about what I do or do not eat, and therefore should not blame others for what I do or do not do. It is not fair of me to blame others, and for that I apologize!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Crap, Crap, and more Crap

I am in a funk. Yes, it is true. I feel like I am going down for the count and I am trying my damnedest to keep above water.

It all started when I found out my brother and his family will most likely be moving to TX. Now, I have nothing against TX, except that it is REALLY far away. I didn't think this would affect me so much, but it has. Mostly I am angry that he can move away . . .I have so many family issues . . .But yes, I have always felt like it is my job to stay nearby so that I can swoop in and save the day when needed. Clearly this has been really effective in the past (note the sarcasm). I think I am also just recently having a better relationship with him, and don't want him to be so far away. What happens when mom or dad gets sick, or something else happens . . now I will be the only one nearby-read this as I will be the one to have to deal with stuff now.

My shrinky-dink drew me a diagram of the abuse cycle of needing to be the rescuer and how one can perpetuate the cycle by putting others in the role of being rescued, thus keeping them in the victim role, blah blah blah. Then we talked about why I feel the need to rescue my family from their issues . . .I am feeling so confused and stressed about this family stuff. How can I feel so conflicted about all of this-ask me a year ago about my brother moving and I wouldn't give a rat's ass. I hated him and what he did to me . . .I did a lot of work to forgive and move on, and now he is leaving. Why do I care so much about pleasing my mother-the one that beat the crap out of me for years . . .and doesn't even admit to it. I guess in some ways I am waiting for the one thing that will prove to her that I am good enough, and I am lovable . . .I don't know. The one thing that will redeem my family and erase all the crappy things that have happened-thus leaving me with a fabulous family life!!

I am also realizing that as much as I have had a happy-go-lucky attitude about having a sibling with a disability . . .I am finding I have some strong feelings about this that I haven't much dealt with because I have been the model sibling who has unconditional love for her sibling and just LOVES to help out and give of herself all the time. (run on sentence and I don't care)

I am finding that I am just angry . . .I don't do anger. I haven't ever really done anger without self-injury . . .

Then, I found out some disturbing news about my old employer-who has basically blacklisted me from working as a mobile therapist in the county . . .it is a long story, but suffice it to say this woman is corrupt and has done some pretty shallow, rude, and VERY unprofessional things. She runs a multi-million dollar program and no one will touch her and her behavior as a result. But this is going over the line . . .So I am trying to get to the bottom of this, and in the meantime feeling like I am not measuring up.

I have a particularly difficult client/family a work that is driving me bonkers, and I think I need to back off. I have the need to be there at all times to help people, and I think I am realizing this one family needs more than me . ..they need the Department of Human Services . . .they are in crisis and I can't do it anymore.

Well, aren't I a bucket of fun tonight. Shall I throw in a few positives?

On the weight loss front, we did not weigh in last week due to not being home on Tuesday, so we weighed in today and I was down 3.3 lbs for a grand total of 15.3 lbs. This is shocking to me, as I had a particularly bad food week . . .I ate pizza, nachos, a cookie, ice cream, all not low carb. I feel good about the weight loss. I even bought 4 new pairs of pants on clearance at Talbot's.

Um, it's cold here. Supposed to be snowing, but of course it is not. We will never see snow again I feel. It is rainy and freaking cold, but no snow.

I think I should call this a post and spare you the rest . . .

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Quick check-in

This past week was very, very busy. I had a bunch of home visits, meetings, and extra curricular activities. Here's a few of the highlights:

1. Weekly weigh in- Lost another 2.1 lbs for a grand total of 12.1 lbs so far. I had a very NOT low carb day yesterday and tonight we are having pizza-you know, in honor of the superbowl.

2. I saw Avenue Q yesterday at the Forrest Theater in Philadelphia and it was fabulous. We saw it on Broadway a few years back and this was just as great!

3. Last night I saw Livingston Taylor . . .it was the neatest venue and a really great concert. Thanks RHB for inviting me!!

3a. I co-facilitate a sibling group for kids who have special needs siblings and this week I planned and ran the group. It went really, really well and I felt good about what I had done and how the kids responded.

4. This week we have a crazy busy week. I have a few trainings at work, and lots of new referrals. We are also doing respite care for our friend M. for the next three days. Should be a quick week . ..

5. Finally took down the Christmas decorations today . . .tree is still up, but that is our halftime project.

OK, I gotta run since the game is starting in 17 minutes!! Hope all is well in your corners!