Crap, Crap, and more Crap

I am in a funk. Yes, it is true. I feel like I am going down for the count and I am trying my damnedest to keep above water.

It all started when I found out my brother and his family will most likely be moving to TX. Now, I have nothing against TX, except that it is REALLY far away. I didn't think this would affect me so much, but it has. Mostly I am angry that he can move away . . .I have so many family issues . . .But yes, I have always felt like it is my job to stay nearby so that I can swoop in and save the day when needed. Clearly this has been really effective in the past (note the sarcasm). I think I am also just recently having a better relationship with him, and don't want him to be so far away. What happens when mom or dad gets sick, or something else happens . . now I will be the only one nearby-read this as I will be the one to have to deal with stuff now.

My shrinky-dink drew me a diagram of the abuse cycle of needing to be the rescuer and how one can perpetuate the cycle by putting others in the role of being rescued, thus keeping them in the victim role, blah blah blah. Then we talked about why I feel the need to rescue my family from their issues . . .I am feeling so confused and stressed about this family stuff. How can I feel so conflicted about all of this-ask me a year ago about my brother moving and I wouldn't give a rat's ass. I hated him and what he did to me . . .I did a lot of work to forgive and move on, and now he is leaving. Why do I care so much about pleasing my mother-the one that beat the crap out of me for years . . .and doesn't even admit to it. I guess in some ways I am waiting for the one thing that will prove to her that I am good enough, and I am lovable . . .I don't know. The one thing that will redeem my family and erase all the crappy things that have happened-thus leaving me with a fabulous family life!!

I am also realizing that as much as I have had a happy-go-lucky attitude about having a sibling with a disability . . .I am finding I have some strong feelings about this that I haven't much dealt with because I have been the model sibling who has unconditional love for her sibling and just LOVES to help out and give of herself all the time. (run on sentence and I don't care)

I am finding that I am just angry . . .I don't do anger. I haven't ever really done anger without self-injury . . .

Then, I found out some disturbing news about my old employer-who has basically blacklisted me from working as a mobile therapist in the county . . .it is a long story, but suffice it to say this woman is corrupt and has done some pretty shallow, rude, and VERY unprofessional things. She runs a multi-million dollar program and no one will touch her and her behavior as a result. But this is going over the line . . .So I am trying to get to the bottom of this, and in the meantime feeling like I am not measuring up.

I have a particularly difficult client/family a work that is driving me bonkers, and I think I need to back off. I have the need to be there at all times to help people, and I think I am realizing this one family needs more than me . ..they need the Department of Human Services . . .they are in crisis and I can't do it anymore.

Well, aren't I a bucket of fun tonight. Shall I throw in a few positives?

On the weight loss front, we did not weigh in last week due to not being home on Tuesday, so we weighed in today and I was down 3.3 lbs for a grand total of 15.3 lbs. This is shocking to me, as I had a particularly bad food week . . .I ate pizza, nachos, a cookie, ice cream, all not low carb. I feel good about the weight loss. I even bought 4 new pairs of pants on clearance at Talbot's.

Um, it's cold here. Supposed to be snowing, but of course it is not. We will never see snow again I feel. It is rainy and freaking cold, but no snow.

I think I should call this a post and spare you the rest . . .