Happy New year . . .Maybe!

Things around here have been busy . . .we did the whole holiday and birthday thing, and then yesterday we headed up to the folks house to celebrate my brother's birthday and just have random family time. We saw extended family that we have not seen in a few years. Funny how kids get older and when you last saw them they were in like, diapers, and now they are playing football in middle school . . .

Something interesting happened. I have two cousins . .they are about 34 and 37 years old. The oldest has a daughter that is about 9 years old. My brother, who has down syndrome just turned 37. Now he is cognitively about the age of a 7/8 year old, and doesn't think that he is "special". So the last time we visited this cousin and family was for my dad's birthday party in November. While there, my brother kept telling little cousin that he loved her, and wanted to write letters to her, and wanted to hug her. It got to be a bit much and we tried to redirect him as much as we could, but she just did not understand why this grown man was saying this stuff to her, and he didn't understand why he should NOT say/do these things. Now while her mother had grown up with my brother, these kids are relatively new to my brother since we see each other so infrequently.

Also while we were there for the birthday celebration last month, there was a comment made to the effect that the kids didn't need to know about DP and I just yet . .they weren't ready for that. God forbid they should know their cousin is a lesbo . . .

Before yesterdays' visit, my mom received a call from cousin saying that her daughter just felt really uncomfortable around my brother and that they were coming, but to be aware that she was not really comfortable around him and wanted her to approach him, and thought is best that he not approach her. Now, he was on the phone eavesdropping the whole time, so when they came yesterday, he wanted to talk to her about it. It just made me a bit angry . . I guess because I take for granted that people should just accept and love him, but I recognize that at 37 years old, the things he does is not necessarily cute anymore. I think I also resent him and what it means to have him in my life at time, but that is a while other blog!!

I think most of all I feel out of control with the situation, because I know I have very little say over what happens in my brother's life now, and I would have spoken with him about how what he was doing was not appropriate. My mother yells as him a lot and he doesn't retain her direction because, I would imagine, he is using all his energy to ignore her . . .which many of us do. She is a lovely person, but she is miserable with her life and she has no ability to talk to people in a way that makes them want to help her. She is demanding and not very likable.

So many things running through my head . . .Anyway, it has just been busy. Today we have been lounging around and making preparations for returning to the Atkins diet starting tomorrow. We did this several years ago with great results. We will do it again for a bit, and then probably switch to something that is more focused on the Glycemic Index principles, which is the way they recommend people with PCOS eat. We'll see. I am not as excited as I was yesterday, I am just worried that I will get bored and not follow through--plus is requires consuming foods that have typically been on the list of foods that I don't feel comfortable eating in large quantities. We say away from much of the high fat stuff, but still. It is also much harder to do now that I have a job where I am out and about, great for the days I am home, but the other days could be tricky. Plus I am not looking forward to the inevitable detox from sugar and carbs . . .I am so thankful though that DP is doing this as well, sure does make it feel easier to deal with and manage!!

In any case, we will be going shopping soon and having one last carb filled dinner at Chipotle tonight.

I hope everyone's New Year is a fabulous one, and I look forward to many new adventures and experiences as I continue to focus on being "Exactly Where I am". Thanks everyone for joining me on the ride.

Birthday . . .

I know someone who might have a birthday today . . .hmm, I wonder who??

Things are going well. I am glad to have a little breathing room today with no serious deadlines and food that has to be done at certain times. I cannot believe how many dishes one has to do during a holiday! Even with a super-de-duper dishwasher, there's always dishes. Sheesh.

Also, so many carbs. Now, I LOVE carbs, but I cannot even look at another biscuit or bagel right now . . .

The morning went fast. Amazing how fast the gifts can be opened and excitement over when you have an almost 4 year old little tyke around. We were done opening, eating breakfast snack, and cleaned up all by 9am. Other brother did NOT like his gift, which I was sure he would like. We negotiated with him today to return it since it was expensive and we'll go with him to pick something else out. I am glad he was ok with that suggestion, because I would have been mad if he'd kept it and never played with it.

Last night was fun. RHB and friend came over and celebrated with us. We even played a few rounds of Scatagories. MUCH fun!!

We have dinner plans at a local restaurant tonight for that certain someone who may be having a birthday today. Should be good. We'll be joined by RHB and my other friend as well. I am looking forward to seeing them.

Hope you all had a great holiday!

Quick Update

We just got back from church and here are some highlights so far:

• my brother and family called yesterday and said "We're on our way to your house, we know it's a day early, but is that ok??"
  
• my dad, who can't drive at night, didn't arrive with the rest of the family last night until almost 6pm . . then realized he'd driven the whole way with no lights on the van . . .
• the cat isn't welcoming the idea of the dogs in the house . . .and has dust bunnies all over her from dodging in and out of various hiding places.
  
• the one psycho dog stayed up for hours last night whining and crying, which lead me to be really tired as I didn't get to bed until after that-and 3 doses of NyQuil
• little tyke and I made ornaments out of playdoh and discussed life in daycare
• We saw Santa on a fire truck today roaming around town
  
• We just went to church-and I cried through the first two songs . . .I am such a sap in my impending old age . . .I think I was so glad to just get out and feel the music . . .I love music and they had some awesome music there today . . .even got a few hugs!
  

Overall, I am doing alright. Not great, but not horribly.

In the still of the night

It's early, REALLY early in the morning and I have been awake for a few hours. I have been really sick the last few days, and I can't sleep really well. Could have something to do with the fact that I feel like I am drowning in snot when I lay down!! I started to take the red mucinex, and I wonder if it keeping me awake as well.

But I am enjoying the quiet-well, almost quiet, DP's snoring can get quite ruckus sometimes and the cat is wrapping herself around my hand as I type and purring quite ferociously--which by the way makes it VERY hard to type-not the purring, but the wrapping of one's furry little self around my hand so that I cannot move, much less type or use the mouse!! If you can read this, kitty, GET OFF!!

The family will be coming today, and DP got to do the cleaning yesterday as I was too sick to really move, much less clean. She's great that way and I am much appreciative. I am also so thankful that she has such a great attitude about my folks coming. I know it cannot be easy for her to listen to me talk about them and how stressed it makes me, but she is a good balance-and they love her!!

I am excited about them coming, and I do hope it is a fun time. My oldest brother hasn't seen the house yet, and so he will be so excited to see it, and "his room" where he has a bed. He has down syndrome, and still believes in Santa, OR knows that it is smart to still let people think you believe in Santa . ..either way he makes out well for being almost 37. It will be great with him and Little Tyke, who will be here also on Christmas morning. I can't believe he will be 4 soon. Where does the time go . . .

Ok, I should go. I don't know what I will go do, exactly, but I should go. . .

Well, maybe I could also tell you that we found a German shepherd kennel that has great puppies, excellent communication, and best of all are right in the neighborhood of DP's parents. This means we will try and get our much desired GS puppy over the summer when we are there. Hopefully it will do good on the long drive home!! We are very excited!! More to come on the acquisition of new furry friend, I am sure!!

Jesus Birthday Cake

The time is coming near . . .the time for me to turn 30!!!! I have the honor of sharing my birthday very, VERY close to Jesus'. What has this meant over the years . . .

I was made to share my birthday cake with Jesus . . year after year I had this guy who had top billing on the b-day cake.

Sometimes, when times were desperate, I also had to share the birthday cake not only with Jesus, but also my older brother who happens to have been born after Jesus and I, later in the month.

Jenster brought the idea up of the Jesus birthday cake, and I shuttered at the thought that for once I wanted my own damn cake. Jesus could make wine out of water, couldn't he have made his own chocolate cake with yummy icing?

I mean, seriously, come on now. Imagine being little and blowing out the candle . . .it's not like we had a million candles on the cake for all the years that Jesus was old, but he had to be written on the cake??? Couldn't we have made a cupcake for him-did he need ALL of MY cake??


Sheesh . . .I guess it is good that I am a good share-er. But still . . .

Mortified

Have you heard of the book Mortified?

It is a book about the journals of kids from when they were younger and how dramatic everything was back then.

I have always liked to journal, and in fact the other day I pulled some out and was perusing through them. I have about 9 of the big spiral bound sketch books that are filled with drama and tales of woe. I had some notebooks from later in high school, but a therapist turned lover (don't ask it is a whole other blog entry . . .which I am sure no one wants to hear about) encouraged me to burn them and "let them go".

The reason I had pulled them out is that they are in the same under bed bin that my yearbooks are in, and I was looking at my yearbooks from high school. Now why would I be doing this to myself? Well, while going to dinner one day we happened to see a girl I went to high school with. I live about 1 1/2 hours away from where I grew up, and when I left home I never wanted to see anyone from that god forsaken place again. Though this girl I saw at the deli was ok, and she happens to still be friends with a girl that was nice to me in school-there were very few. The other girl that I didn't see but who knows the girl I did see has been emailing with me.

Very weird to relive that time, and for me it was such a terrible time that I have very few memories of the whole thing to begin with-much less good ones. I am glad to have made this connection and hope that in it I can make peace with that time of my life and give myself permission to move on.

Therapy today was focused on allowing myself to live in the present and be ok with letting the past be . . .easier said than done, but I am committed to work on it. I will start by trying to not let myself be affected by my folks when they are here and the things I cannot change about them. I can choose to take care of myself, and that is all I am responsible for. I'll let you know how that works for me.

Hope all is well in your corners.

Food

Ok, so here's a post about food that has been a long time coming.

Food in our house was never a big deal. I can remember us all eating what we wanted-mostly. The boys and I would fight over who got to pick out the marshmallows from the Lucky Charms, and the cookies and Tastycakes were always counted so none went missing.

I have memories of us going to grandma's house on Sunday's for bagels and stuff, and holidays always had a great spread courtesy of my mother's side of the family. We are a small family, so gatherings were always fairly intimate.

I had the joy of being a fairly good gymnast. What that meant was that I spent hours in the gym on most days. This was all well and good until I was about 9 and my coach had a secret meeting with my mother. I was brought in and told that they would give me a prize if I was able to lose weight-just a little bit. I was so excited . . .little did I know that this would mean the end of the cakes and things I liked. It would be controlled food for the next few years. I remember getting a prize when I lost 10lbs-it was a white bear in a bride's outfit.

What I did not know is that this would throw me into a battle with my weight that was furious and unrelenting. I was throwing up and restricting by the time I was 12 and subsequently hospitalized at 12-for that and trying to hurt myself. I would continue this struggle with food through the middle of high school. After I quit gymnastics at age 16-after multiple injuries and a body that never quite worked the same, I quit.

Well, what happens to a body that is not training and not eating as strictly . . .it gains weight. I also never got my period during this time, and no one thought anything of it. I finally did get it at age 17, but it was sporadic and after a while just went away completely.

Off to college I went and in an effort to control my food again, I ate really only cereal and low fat, low calories foods. I was gaining weight like crazy, and I was also throwing up and restricting foods at times in dangerous ways. I was hospitalized several more times at the Renfrew Center, Rader Program, and the Belmont Center due to my eating disorder. I always felt weird though because I wasn't eating much, but I was gaining crazy amounts of weight. I was the fat girl at the eating disorder units and being there was never really helpful--I was the very thing most of those girls feared. What they didn't know is that I had no idea why I was gaining weight. I was seeing nutritionists and continued my love/hate relationship with food.

Finally, at age 20 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This would explain the weight gain, the sporadic periods, and several other things I was experiencing. Finally, there was a name for what I had. As I found out more, there was report after report about how hard it was for people with PCOS to lose weight after they'd gained it. When you have PCOS, among other things, your body doesn't process carbs properly, and eating once piece of bread was like eating a whole loaf. The best way to tackle food for this is a low carbohydrate diet. Great, the one thing I LOVE and I can't eat it without knowing that I am eating "bad food".

Now, I already had a list of good foods/bad foods from earlier on, and the low carb diets wanted you to eat meats, fats, dairy, oil . . .all the things I wasn't going to eat. I stuck out the low carb diet things for a while and saw great results-but I got bored. Gained weight back-not all, but some.

I then gave it all up and started eating what I wanted-none of which was in excess, but just not the lower carb, whole grain stuff I was supposed to for optimal health with the PCOS. Now I am trying to eat better carbs, and watch how many things I eat that are straight up carbs. I also have hypoglycemia and after eating sugary/carb filled things without protein, you can guarantee that I will be shaking in a matter of hours. I have been tested and retested for diabetes, and luckily I do not have that.

The medicines for PCOS are the meds they give folks with diabetes since typically someone with PCOS will have insulin resistance. I do not have the insulin resistance and the pooping-my-brains-out side effect was not worth it if it wasn't going to help. I took some of the other meds and had really bad side efffects-so now I take no meds. I will also not be looking to birth children, and the fact that I am unable really to have children is a whole other post.

I had worked with a trainer at the gym for a while and that was fantastic-while I could afford it and before I got hurt last December. I have lost some weight since then-about 20 lbs, and I have kept that off-thank God!

My relationship with food is still very disordered. I have lists of good and bad things, but I can generally understand why it is important to eat some things. I will throw up on occasion, but that is generally linked to the feeling of being too full. I don't do this often-and one of my topics in therapy is why I even have to do this at all. I'll let you know when I have that one figured out.

I wish that I could be smaller, and know that there are so many barriers to that happening the way I want it to. The fact that I have screwed up my body with years and years of restricting/purging . . .never really any binging, but lots of barfing . . .and the fact that I do not make the best choices. I have also had a myriad of health and medical things wrong with my body-both knees have been surgically altered, wrist has had some tendons reattached, bulging discs in my back flare up every once in a while. I feel so old and I am not even 30.

What I know I can do it make better choices about food and exercise, and I am going to do that starting January 1. I have the privilege of having DP wanting to also make some healthier changes, so I am looking forward to that added bonus of support as well. I get so so angry at my parents for not making better choices about their health and well-being, and I realize I am doing the exact same thing if I continue what I am doing. I also know that people say that the number doesn't matter-but in my mind the number is the bottom line and it DOES matter. I am working to lessen the grip that this has on my life and will strive to look at health versus the number.

Wish me and DP luck. I know DP struggles with different food issues than I do, and we have had our go around about how I feel sometimes she is not supportive, and how she doesn't have to eat differently. I get pissed off that she can eat better and lose weight like it is nothing but chooses not to, and it is so hard for me. It is a lot, both for her and me, and that is why I am hoping she and I can stick it out and then maybe food and weight issues can be less of a barrier and we can focus on more exciting things.

I would really like that.

(Side note-I also know that a lot of my behaviors at the time I was younger was to deal with the sexual abuse I had experienced at the hand of a family member for 4 years, and later the rape at college. So there are other psychosocial issues that are in play here wit the food issues and general self-destruction, but this is the gist of it. This is what I mean in my profile that lots of things have happened . . .)

Christmas

We are oh so every close to Christmas, and I have to tell you something. We told our families that we were not going anywhere for the holiday, and they were more than welcome to come here-but we would be in our own beds on Christmas morning.

We sweetened the deal for my folks and told them they could bring the dogs . . .

Side note--my parents, or more specifically my mother, has serious animal issues-like they are probably more important than we are. She will cancel things and not go places if the animals cannot be expertly cared for 20 times a day.

Well now it seems the folks have taken us up on said offer and we will soon have a whole lot of my family here for the holidays. I guess I should be happy, but with each passing day, I can see the things happening before me and I get more and more anxious . . .

We will argue about what food to have, where to go out to eat on the other days, who opens what presents first, mom will want toddler boy to still do baby things like sit on her lap and will be mad that he doesn't, I will feel like nothing we give them or do for them makes them happy, they will want to sit around all week and do nothing--they think that visiting means just that-sitting and visiting . . .

The day will seem like just another day and when the brother and family leaves she will complain about how they are going to see the other set of grandparents and how they like them much more.

I want to feel excited and a sure I will muster some of that up, but right now I am wishing we'd just told everyone we were going to some other place . . .bah humbug!