Monday, May 05, 2008

How do you move on . . .

I was at therapy today and we were discussing how you change your thought patterns when you are so stuck in them.

Case in point--I have been losing weight, I have talked about that here before. (though right now I seem to be not doing as well as I'd like . . .) I have recently bought some new shirts that I think are pretty different from what I am used to (used to boring solid colors, and new shirts are vibrant and bold!). So this morning I put one on, and I looked in the mirror and thought "Oh Beans, you look cute." But then I stood there about 20 seconds too long. Instead of just looking cute and going about my business, I started to see the unmentionables . . .the rolley polley arms, the scars, the chub . . .in a matter of a few seconds I lost it. I changed into something else. A too big shirt and a pair of jeans.

I am finding myself in this in between place a lot. Where I want to hold onto the joy and the freedom of knowing I am moving on, and being stuck in what I know and what feels safe. She thought that perhaps instead of saying I feel safe in those places, that I say that those places are what I know and what makes me feel comfortable. I can feel safe in other things . . not the yucky feelings.

A while ago at a church function, I listened to a woman talk about how to be more kind and forgiving of others. She said that when people cut her off in traffic, instead of getting mad she prays for them and hopes that they get to wherever they are going safely. I told the shrinky dink today about this, and she thought I should try and apply the same principle to myself when I am feeling down and judgmental about myself. Perhaps remind myself of how far I have come, and that I did the best I could with what I had.

There you have it . . .this week I will try and challenge my thoughts and be a bit more gentle with myself. I want it . . I want it bad . . to be out of the stuck place and into the place of freedom and joy for what I have now. I know I can do it. It will be hard, but I am stronger than I think sometimes.


Caroline said...

What a powerful post. Thank you for sharing this.

Locks said...

a very thought-provoking post. i admire your courage in wrestling with these kinds of thoughts and doing what it takes to confront them.

i think i do a good job of burying my own struggles in a blog post being emotionally lazy when it comes to fighting self-destructive thought patterns.

anyway, i just wanted to say you're inspiring. thank you.

Jenster said...

I love the thought of being more gentle with yourself. It's easy for the rest of us to see how incredible you are. Now you can work on seeing that for yourself.

Lynilu said...

I couldn't agree more with the shrinky-dink! We all have that problem. We need to forgive ourselves for simply being human. Most of our self-perceived faults are just that, because we are human. and while I realize you are an extra special lady, you are human, too, dear girl. Accept yourself.

You're doing a good job at the weight loss, and in other areas, as far as I can tell. Don't beat yourself up, Beans. It's a long trip, and your journey isn't nearly over. You have lots of time to lose weight or change whatever you don't like, but in the meanwhile, love yourself. We do!

beans said...

Caroline--no problem. I am happy to share . . sometimes ;)

Locks . . .you too will get there. You will get there in your own time, and when you feel it is right. Everyone can want it for you, but that is meaningless unless you to are ready to make the move. I admire your courage to keep trying!

Jen-I will work and work and work until one day I can stand side by side with all of y'all and really get it. I appreciate you being on the ride with me. Keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times . . .

Lynilu-Human, what? Are you serious?? Seriously, I know that the things I am dealing with now are relatively normal, and that is kinda fun. Who knew normal could be exiting.