Monday, October 23, 2006

Mind over matter, right?

Good Evening-

Seems strange to be writing at home and not at work-but I need to write about some stuff.

I was offered the new position this morning. Barring any major catastrophic events, I will be accepting the position. The thing is, I wish I felt better about it. I wish I felt excited and happy for this new experience. While I am welcoming the opportunity to do something new and challenging, I am also really nervous and hoping I am doing the right thing.

I have heard so much conflicting information about the demise of the former person who has this position and how she mucked things up. Then She calls me on Friday and tells me her side of things and while I want to feel for her, I can't believe that all the others could be wrong. Besides, what investment does she have in telling me good things. She's telling me how she worked ungodly hours and never could get the work done and that she lived in fear of being yelled at for no reason and never knew when she would get in trouble by her supervisor. I have to think that she had stuff going on that prevented her from standing up for herself and not letting a job take her to such extremes.

I guess I also want to know that *I* will be able to walk away or stand up for myself should things get unmanageable. I want to know that I will not let something like a job lead me to a place of destruction and demise. I have worked so fucking hard to get to where I am, and I want to know I can use my coping skills to protect myself and my professional skills to kick ASS and make this large mountain seem like a molehill months from now.

I want to know all this and feel it, live it, KNOW it. But I only know it a little bit. Perhaps that is a start. I also know that for the first time I am branching out into something that is not safe ground. This job is not something I can do with my eyes closed, and I know it will involve a lot of learning and asking for help. All things I have worked on being able to do. I will be so glad if down the road I can feel proud of what I have done.

At the same time I am leaving my current position, I am also feeling pride in the fact that I took this program and I stepped it up and made it what it is now. I was able to make this program such that it runs well, and I hope that it can continue to do so when I leave and until they can find someone to manage it--since I know Wonderwoman won't be doing anything with it. It is hard to know it might not be kept up-but that isn't my responsibility, right? I will do my very best to assure it is in working order when I leave it and wish it the best.

Completely off the topic, I am listening to James Taylor, and his music just has the ability to soothe me like a warm quilt on a cold yucky day. I don't know what it is, but I listen to his voice and I feel like the world and all in it is going to be OK. Funny how music can do that.

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