Today's briefing

It seems like it has been a while since I have been able to write. I don't have one thing to talk about, so I will just do some free association with what is in my head-

• I just ate lunch and I think I don't feel quite right-I don't feel the urge or need to purge, but it feels more like a yucky rumbly feeling. Everyone around me has been sick, so I am hoping and praying that I am not the next victim.
• Work has been keeping me entertained and full of feelings to deal with. Wonderwoman (the boss) has been calling off from her working from home job but not actually calling out. So she will let me know she is going to be out sick, but when you look at the attendance she is not listed on the list. That means she is not only "working" from home, but supposedly calling out-but nor really-and her sick time I am sure is accruing like mad. I guess that is what she can take so much vacation and time off. I finally got really angry about it when she called out yesterday and was not able to be here to help with my second parent presentation last night. I found a friendly secretary and alerted her to the issue and she assured me I did the right thing and that she would be monitored. I am slowly growing tired of the crap I am dealing with as far as she is concerned.
  
• The parent groups I did last week and this week yielded a great turnout and the feedback from the surveys indicated that it was a needed and appreciated forum for them to have their questions heard and answered. I felt good when one of the surveys said " BEANS is GREAT!!" (ok, so it didn't say beans, but in the interest of anonymity, I changed the name-but they meant ME, someone thinks I am GREAT!!) I felt good about what I had created and provided for them. I have some great follow-up ideas to develop.
• I worked with the trainer last Friday and he KICKED MY ASS-I mean, I was sore for days. I also think I may have overdid it and now have a knee that hurts-bad. This is the knee they were supposed to replace the ACL on in December. When they went in for surgery, it wasn't as bad as they thought, so they just cleaned up the debris and said maybe in the future it would tear completely and they would/could replace it then. I have taken a break from the gym since Tuesday, but I still feel pain when I stand from sitting, or try to do stairs. I will see trainer today and will see what he thinks. Maybe he can work my abs or arms until they can't move either-I will just be a big old messy blob that can't move.
• My session last week with the trainer resulted in me having a slight breakdown about my body image and difficulty running up and down stairs 20 times and how fat and lazy I was and nothing was ever going to change and woe is me, blah blah blah. While I spent the next 24 hours sulking, I also came to the conclusion that I know what I need to do, so just do it damn it. I spent Sunday cooking protein laden things and just in this week by cutting out most carbs like bread and potatoes and cereal, my weight has gone down 5 lbs. Nothing else changed except my carb intake. I can't believe that my body responds and reacts that way to carbs. I wonder if others with PCOS find this, too. At least it is enough to inspire me to keep going.

I guess that is all the rambling I am up to right now-

For the love of GOD . . .

OK, so I'm walking to the car after watching kids tonight--it is dark, and I feel something squishy under my feet and on my toes. I think, "Oh, maybe it is just mud." Get in the car and notice the smell of DOG POOPY!!! I get out and look-it's all over my sandal and toe.

Now not only is it on my sandals and foot, but it is now on the carpet of my car.

Why the god damned hell can't people pick up their dog poopy? I love dogs, but we're not out in the middle of nowhere where your dog's poop can fertilize the grass.

GRRR--sorry, I had to get that off my chest . . .I feel better now :-)

Professional Identity

Greetings from a wet and yucky area of the Northeast!

Today has been rainy and quite unpleasant. But alas, I am in an office with extremely bright fluorescent lighting--it could be pitch black outside and we would never know it.

The topic today reflects my thoughts lately. I have been grappling with developing my professional identity and figuring out just what kind of professional I want to be. It's weird to think about this, since I still think it is hard to believe that I have a master's degree and license to do social work. What the hell was I thinking??

I think the most difficult part at times is that the majority of the time I feel very confident in what I do professionally. I carry myself very different when I am working than I do in my "real" life. Sometimes though, the "real" world eeeks in and I am left to talk myself through some tough things.

For instance. I am giving a presentation tonight to about 15 families who all have recently had children who were diagnosed with autism. I have planned this night and have set everything up the way I want it to be. I am basically facilitating this whole thing-which means I need to be in front of lots of people. This is where my self-esteem issues rear their ugly head and I get really nervous. I was up tossing and turning this morning from 3:00am-6:30am. I KNOW I can do this and have the information these people are coming to get, but of course I am worried no one will show up, no one will come BACK for the second part next week. I KNOW that if they don't come tonight and don't come back that it is not a reflection on my abilities. I know all that-I am just nervous.

I have been trying to talk myself through this and tell myself that I CAN do this and that this program will be a big help to families.

I feel like I am rambling and that this doesn't all make as much sense here as it did in my head.

The other thing that is weird for me at times is to be referred to as the "helper" professional and NOT the one who is being helped. It is hard at times to jump between the roles, and I feel that given my profession I should be more healthy with my own thoughts and feelings and lifestyle. When I have to interface with a psychologist or psychiatrist in my work, I get so worried they can see right through me and know all the other things I deal with.

I guess I also know the populations that I could not be ok working with right now. I work with those who have disabilities and their families. I cannot see myself working with eating disordered folks, or those who have been abused or who self-injure. I know those things are too close to home for me right now. Besides, I have no interest in that at this time.

So, I guess in closing, I am writing this all to just get out some nervous energy, but also to try and convince myself that I can be a professional social worker despite my issues and I can be good at what I do-and that is OK. It seems so grown up to think I have a real job and responsible for other people's well being.

I know tonight will go well. I know I have the skills to pull this all off and will be a great resource to families. It will be a great night!!

Just one of those days

Ok, so I have been trying to keep this an upbeat place to be-you know, a place for me to discover the joys in life I have been missing in the past by filling my head with negativity and such.

But sometimes you just have one of those days. The day started fairly well-until I got out of bed. I had one of those mornings where even after the third outfit you tried on, you still feel crappy about how you look. Then you just search for the "safe" outfit. Does anyone know what I mean when I say this? This is the outfit you can wear when you feel too bloated, fat, or otherwise unsuitable for public viewing.

This is all the more discouraging since I have been going to the gym now for about a month-and I have seen NOTHING!!! I thought I had some weight loss, but NO, this morning on the scale I swear it said "Fat Pig Warning" UHHH!! Now, for some honesty, I know my food hasn't been the greatest. I haven't purged as frequently-maybe once or twice in the last month. No worse or better than it had been before I started the gym, but don't you think that if my food stayed the same AND I added exercise I would see SOMETHING? I also know all about how you gain muscle and such, so I tried on a pair of shorts that didn't fit me earlier this summer, and guess what? They still don't fit.

Then I just get so pissed at my job. I know I am good at what I do, and I just feel like my talents are wasting away here, hour by hour when I have little to do but sit on my ass all day long. I have some things coming up in the next two weeks, resulting in some work, but still, I can't help think that this is not what I thought spending so much money on a master's degree would land me.

Hmm . . .anything else I need to get off my chest??

Oh, Wonderwoman (aka my boss-->named so b/c I am always wondering if she will be in, if she will be friendly/no boundary boss, or upset for no apparent reason boss) apparently she can call off sick-from her work at home job-then somehow manage NOT to report it to the attendance system. We are able to see who has called off on a daily attendance list, and lo and behold, she was not on it. She has not been on it several times. How much time must she be accruing by never calling in her absences. It is not like anyone but me would notice, but I DO notice. I notice when I have no one to ask my questions to, no one to be a "department" with, no one to tell me I am doing a great job. . .

I have been accruing time off so painfully slow I could scream. I will be lucky to have time off to take for Christmas. In the past I was used to 4 weeks vacation right from the start. Going to two weeks was a shock, but I just wish I could work from home and then not have to be accountable to anyone when I don't follow procedures.

Ok, so how can I turn my day around? That's what this blog is all about-turning the negativity around . .

I will try and do the following today:

1. I will drink more water. I have been seriously slacking on my water drinking.
2. I will write down my food for the day-just to keep track.
3. I will NOT become obsessive about writing my food down.
4. I will focus on the 12 families coming next week to my presentation and how I can use my skills to help them.
5. I will not whine at the gym today.
   
6. I will not let a bad morning ruin my whole day . . .

We'll see later how I do with all of this. Hope you are all faring well today, thanks for reading.

You can find anything online these days

Happy Friday!!

Oh joy, it is Friday, and welcome to the weekend of rain and yuck in the Northeast! Ernesto is supposed to deliver to us a holiday weekend of rain, wind, and ruined plans. Oh well.

OK, so I have to get this off of my chest. I hope people do not judge me for what I am about to say. Ok, here goes . . .

I am a very curious person. Sometimes I am too curious for my own good. I like all of those medical shows on TV because I can see what the inside of people look like. I went to the Body Worlds exhibit to see all the plastinated bodies and I even went into the room that had the fetuses in them.

The internet is a very enabling place for those of us who may be too curious for their own good. I remember a while ago when there was a website that showed a highly publicized murder. They were talking about the thousands of people who had viewed this site. I went to the website several times, though I was able to stop before watching. Then one day, in a weak moment I began to watch and very quickly became quite ill, turned it off, and felt very guilty. Recently in our local news website, they had a link to Jonbenet Ramsey information, and in the list of information, they had the autopsy report and ransom note. I admit, I read them.

Today I was reading a front page news website and they had an article about a man who was executed on death row last night in Texas. They linked to the Texas Department of Corrections
where you are able to look back many years to see what people were convicted of, what their last statements were, and in my latest find, what their last meal was.

Then I thought to myself, "Self, you are a horrible, no good, very bad person" Now I am wondering if I am a horrible person for being intrigued by these things. I remember in college when I took a class on the media and how they were saying then-10 years ago- that people were being so jaded by access to so much information. Then we have all these reporters who are willing to be smack dab in the middle of events such as war, hurricanes, etc. Maybe I am just trying to make myself feel better.

On a lighter note, DP and I were discussing children a while ago and how we would like a nicely made wood crib, and we searched online for handmade cribs. This is on of the sites we came across.

OK, NOT what we were thinking. This lead us on a whole new journey into the world of fetishes and what people do. We sat there glued to our screen linking from one page to another-mouth gaping open. I am not judging, I just didn't know that stuff actually occurred. I spent a good week wondering if any of my co-workers wore diapers for fun . . .

Now that you all know *I* am crazy-fess up. Has anyone else come across any strange things on the internet you were slightly embarrassed to be looking at? If not, at least let me know I am not crazy for being curios . . .