Tuesday, October 09, 2007


Remember when you were a kid and you had growing pains . . .I remember wiggling around my foot and walking around with two socks on one foot when my foot had cramps thinking it was helping, and my folks told me it was growing pains. What I ultimately realized was that when I just sat still and relaxed, it made it feel so much better.

I don't know why I am thinking of this now. Maybe because I feel flooded with things since my second full day of my new job is over, and I keep mulling it over and I think I just need to sit still.

Yesterday was great. I got there-found the parking garage and everything went swimmingly. My supervisors are all out of town until tomorrow, so there was a list of things for me to do. Nothing like showing up on your first day to some random woman letting you in the door and a list. I then met with one of the nurses who did the program last year and we made three home visits. All in different parts of the city, and all very different families with varying needs. Looks like only two of them will need continuing support. I left feeling like it was a productive day.

As we were driving around the nurse commented that based on my experience that she felt it was great that I was willing to stretch so much into something that was so different. I said I was up for the challenge and looked forward to the new opportunities. She kept telling everyone I was a fabulous new social worker that new a ton about autism. . .I felt like a little fraud . . I certainly did not feel the same way she did!

Then I went to the gym, and while there realized that I had lost the security swipy card thing I had JUST received that day. DAMN IT! Now I am not one to lose things, and I felt like such as ass. I looked and looked all over for the damn thing, and alas I have concluded that it is gone. So now what to do. . .

Today I was to take the train in, and this has been somewhat of an issue-in that I have been mulling over train schedules and routes and just working myself into a tizzy. So today I take the plunge. I get to the station and there are no places to park. I park far away and by the time I get to the station I am sweating.

A word here about sweating. I am a sweater-not as in the clothing-but as in pouring off of me sweating. And the more I think about not sweating, the more I sweat. I am not sure if this is a nervous thing, a being slightly fat thing, or a genetic thing since my mother does the same thing. But in any case, I got to the station to buy the tickets and I was a mess already.

I buy my tickets and tokens. I thought taking the train was supposed to be more cost efficient, but it works out to like $10 daily if I walk to 10 blocks from the train instead of taking the subway. I have my tickets and tokens and I am waiting-still sweating. It was also very hot and humid today again . .

I get on the train and enjoy my ride. Then I make it to the arrival point, and then seek out the subway to go to the next stop. It is quite a walk and I did NOT wear walking shoes. I get to the subway and wait and damn it is HOT. Sweating now again . . .I get on the subway and go the one stop which thought was going to bring me to the stairway right outside of my office building. I get to the street and I am about 3 blocks away . . .I walk and now have two blisters and I am drenched.

I go up to the receptionist on the 18th floor and tell her my sob story about losing the swipy thing. She tells me "this is not insurmountable" and tells me to go up to HR, one floor up. SO I take the stairs only to discover it is really 3 flights up. I get there and I might as well have just doused myself in water I was so wet. I tell her my story and she say "oh, that's no good". She tells me to email her and she will work on a replacement. I was hoping my new boss wouldn't need to know about this . . .

I get up to to my floor and luckily there was a woman in the elevator that let me in to the doors I needed. It was a long morning, and all I could do was think about crying.

Why did I do this . .this was supposed to be a great experience . . .I could be driving 15 minutes to work everyday and sitting at a job I KNEW how to do . . .

I called my DP and cried a few tears and then I was ok. I figured out how to get on the network and system and checked email, sent the email to HR, then the family counselor for the program met with me and we went to lunch . . .no sweating!

Then we met and I left the office around 4:15. I decided instead of taking the subway I would walk the 10 blocks to the train. The weather had become less humid and slightly windy-and heck I already had blisters!! I took the opportunity to walk off some anxiety.

Tomorrow all the folks will be back in the office and I hope things go well. I was able to make a list today of all the things I want to ask and inquire about. I also got two new referrals that were hanging on since the program closed in July.

Things are falling into place, and I know I need to be gentle with myself about all of this. It is day two and I am in need of learning a radical new system and it is ok that I don't know everything.

I need to stop wiggling and just relax . .

1 comment:

ECand3 said...

You will be just fine. I know what you mean about other people thinking you know more than you think you know - about feeling like a fraud. But soon enough, you will believe in yourself as they do.
Take it easy on yourself and hang in.