Tut, tut . . . looks like rain

What a wonderful, hot, humid, sticky,and gray day! Seriously, it is YUCKY outside. That's ok though, because I am inside and later we will take a friend of ours swimming. She is disabled and cannot go swimming with just anyone, or when it is too chilly-and this weather is perfect for her to so swimming and not be too cold-so I will be grateful for the yucky weather at least for a little while.

Things have been ok the last few days. I went to therapy and I told her about keeping this blog-was very surprised she knew what a blog was! We had a good session, and she said she liked hearing me trying to be so positive. I really do try, I just get stuck, and can't figure out how to undo so many years of bad behavior and thinking. We talked about the bathroom thing and how it connects with my OCD and how I can try and work myself through doing some things differently.

I started going to a small group that is run through our church. It is a women's group, and I would not have thought I could be so in tune with these people-and this church, but I have really come to like it and find that it helps ground me in some way. The women in the group have been wonderful, and even know I am a lesbian and they still let me come. I don't get the sense they are allowing me in their group so they can change and influence me either-they seem genuine.

I have had a tumultuous church history, and yet I am still drawn to it for some reason. I grew up catholic, and stopped going regularly after I was confirmed. I started then going to a Presbyterian church during high school because they had a youth group that I liked. The leader of the group was going to a Christian college at the time, and I wanted to go there. Mostly because it was far away from home, but also because I knew at the time I was a lesbian and thought it could "fix" me. I was kicked out of that church right before I graduated high school because I confided to the pastor that I thought I was gay. He basically said I could come to the church, but I would not be allowed around the children or be able to help out at all.

I went to college and within the first day met many other gay and lesbian folks, and decided god had used the school to show me that being gay and a Christian was indeed ok. Of course, I would not learn that for a while since I was too busy getting high and trying to come to terms with my past and what was currently happening at college. I gave up church for a while-until I found this one I go to now.

They are so contemporary and really speak to me in a way that I haven't ever felt. I really connect to music, and they have a band and do a nice blend of contemporary music and Christian music. The pastor preaches in shorts, you know, real relaxed. Even my dad likes the church. He has gone with me a few times. They told me early on when I inquired about their comfort level with me in their church that their job was not to judge, but to provide a place where people could experience a relationship with god-however that looked to that individual person. Wow. I have been hooked ever since. Now that school is done and I am not working crazy hours, I was free to investigate a small group, and I am really glad I did.