Friday, July 07, 2006

This afternoon's ramblings

This day is going very slow. I worked late last night and only got about 5 hours of sleep last night. Sleep and boredom do NOT a good combination make. Oh well.

On my mind today is several things. The first started as a result of having lunch with a co-worker and her daughter who is now working part time for the summer here. We spoke this morning and then we all had lunch together. This is the first time I have sat with these folks for any length of time. It is nice outside so I have short sleeves on-and that means that my self-injury scars are all out there for the world to see. :(

I have had to come to terms with the fact that I have so many scars as a result of self-injury. I have not cut in several years-I am VERY proud of myself for that fact. I began doing it at age 12, when I didn't think that scaring would last this long and look this bad. I started to hide it better as I got older, but the damage had already been done.

I am sure I think about it far more than other people do, but being in a helping profession, I can't help but think that many people who see it on my arms MUST know what it is from-unless they really believe I had it out with a jaguar . . .I am very self conscious in general, but especially about this topic.

We are eating lunch and I see the daughter looking at my arms. She didn't say anything or look horrified, but again I just felt pained by the past that continues to haunt me. I was able to move away from the thought and focus on what were were talking about-which was ME graduating from GRADUATE school. Those were happy things-no need to linger on the bad thought, right?

Overall, it was a good lunch and I felt good that I asked them if I could join them. I have been eating alone lately since the regular lunch crew is off for the summer.

1 comment:

detox said...

We all have our scars, some more visible than others. I understand that you feel embarassed by showing your scaring in the public, or you are concerned what people might think of you. But I think that it is okay if people know what it is. You've been fighting hard in a war for your life and sanity, so you got some scars in the progress. You survived which is the only thing that counts, you did it, you are there, you are warrior who knows about people who need help from own experience. There's nothing diminishing in that.