Wednesday, July 05, 2006

And so goes my day

I started a new job in May. I hadn't actually graduated yet, but the job seemed right and the opportunity there. Here I am. I don't ever have much to do. I think my supervisor underestimates how efficient I can be, so when work is given to me and should take me days-I finish it in little time. I have learned to spread things out . . .w a y o u t!! I am also housed in a cubicle-which is way new to me since I have always had an office. Always might be a bit of a stretch since I have only been working this type of job for about 5 years. Oh well, it is a job with a very decent paycheck, thus I shall stop complaining.

It is raining today, and despite having 5 days off, it was hard to get going this morning. It was very dreary out, and I am not sure if that made it harder or easier to get up. My partner comes home today after a weeklong trip, and I am anxious to see her. I miss her while she is gone, though I know I am supposed to like being with myself and having time to myself.

I don't do well with time by myself. I never have. I guess the thoughts in my head end up getting away from me and the next thing I know I am feeling crappy about something. I would like to be able to better manage the thoughts in my head.

I figure, hell, I am a smart gal. I should be able to interrupt the cycle, right? How hard can it be to stop myself-use the tools I have learned over MANY years of therapy, and just stop the god damned thought. Like when I am sure my boss is telling me something because she is mad at me, or I have done something wrong. How about just thinking it is not all about me for a change, and maybe she is simply communicating???? Same goes with partner-I get so anxious that I will say/do/be the wrong thing that I end up being too compliant-complacent-and I know she doesn't like that either.

The first step of the journey is admitting the problem-well, I have a problem and I want to be committed to changing it. I want the happy life, the one I am choosing, sculpting, and creating as I go.

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