Friday, February 18, 2011

Follow up on the downstairs apartment

I went to see a new gyn yesterday . .who is also a PCOS specialist. I was really nervous, and remembered that I was really mad at Holly for leaving. Holly was my super cool hippie chic midwife that had been doing my exams for the last couple of years at a local birth center. She was the first person I had seen for those things in a number of years--actually, I had only been to a two other people. I had a theory that I would see a new person each time, then I couldn't be embarrassed. But Holly always made me feel like it was ok, and I was ok. But then Holly up and left and I was stranded without anyone. I was having more pain, and thought it best I see doc.

The woman I went to was super nice. I didn't want to like her, and I made it very clear that no one was getting near the downstairs apartment today . . .and she respected that and said the doc and I would just chat. Doc came in and introduced herself and said we'd go to her office. After giving her the run down, including symptoms, family history, sexual abuse, rape, blah blah blah, she looked at me and said something to the effect of "wow, you have been though a lot and have done a lot of hard work to get to this place, huh" Lady, you have NO idea.

I was really nervous as we were talking, but she was really nice about everything, and asked my option about the eating disorder places I had been, saying she worked with a lot of women with ED's and wondered what I thought about them. In the end, she decided that she was not so sure I even had PCOS anymore.

Apparently when you lose weight . .and I have lost about 70lbs since my heaviest . . .you can grow out of it. So she wanted to do some lab work, and do an internal ultrasound. She told me she normally had people go to radiology to have that done, but she felt I didn't need to have to go to another place, and she said she would do it for me when she did the exam next time. I thought that was really nice of her, and she certainly didn't have to say or offer that. She also said that even though she didn't normally see folks for annual appointments, if I felt comfortable with her, she would continue to see me for those. Again, really nice.

We finished up the appointment, which lasted about an hour, and I got to my car with the action plan. Oh, it also included starting to take birth control again to help with the painful periods. She wanted to get blood work results back and I will see her in a couple of weeks.

In the car after the appointment, I started to drive and suddenly began to cry . .really hard. I realized that while I know I have done a lot of work to get to this place, it is still really hard to say all that stuff to a new person and not feel shameful . . and then to have that person make you feel safe and supported was just really neat. I wasn't sad so much as I was a mix of relieved and happy that I had found someone who was empathetic and understanding of how hard all that was for me. I go back in two weeks for the blood work results and exam. Wish me luck . . .


Lynilu said...

Aww, Beans, I'm glad you have found another person who can be understanding for you. It feels good, doesn't it? Take it slow and easy. There is no rush. :)

Caroline said...

I am so proud of you!!

K J and the kids said...

I think too, it brings so many emotions up...and you can hold it together while talking so...A is B which is why C is D...but in the end, those emotions are still just sitting there.
I'm very proud of you for taking that step and going to a new doctor.
I'm so glad that you like her and feel safe.

Cheryl said...

I am so glad you found a person who is compassionate and made you feel safe. It sounds like she is willing to go at your pace, which means she not only just listened, but she really heard you. This was a huge step for you, I'm proud of you and I am also happy for you. One more step, toward healing. The tears in the car, seemed to be more of a cleansing cry, a much needed one. There are good, caring people in the world, and I'm so glad you found one. Baby steps, yet look how far you have come. Love you bunches.