Tuesday, May 05, 2009

What's in a number

I have been thinking a lot about food. In fact it seems I think about food a lot. The more I try not to think about food the more I think about food. I am sooo tired of it. I am tired and weary of the fight with the number . . .how it can single handedly change the way I can feel at any given moment.

Truth be told, I am feeling better about food lately since WW, but I still feel like it has way too much control over me. I had a few bouts of purging, but then I was able to stop it. Then there was the weight gain over Easter that was hard to take since I was trying to be very good about the food. My mother and father also made a comment to me at Easter about my food which I had a difficult time with--they mentioned that I hadn't stopped eating since I got there---which I know wasn't true, but they said it and I went off. Then they acted surprised when I reacted that way-and I reminded them that teasing me about food isn't a good idea. Should I have to remind them of this after almost 20 years of being eating disordered . . .this is not a new thing.

I feel easily triggered the last month or so. There's a girl at work who I know has an eating disorder, and we have had to work together more and I watch her and what she does and sometimes I feel jealous that she is so good at it, and I can't be anymore. I don't want to identify as that anymore, but sometimes it is hard to take. Then I have changed my therapy day and my therapists specializes in EDO and the girl who goes before me is clearly anorexic and I couldn't help thinking about it when she came out. I don't know if I need to say anything more to my therapist, as it seems dumb.

I just often think about a day where I look in the mirror and I feel good about myself--no matter what number should appear that day. I feel like I am starting to rely more on how I feel and hunger signs--which is relatively new, but they are weird too. Imagine that--listening to your body and not feeling like it is a big fat trader . . .

Oh, and by the way, I am finally nearing a number on the scale that I haven't seen in a very long time--in fact next week I will probably see it which is why I suspect I am having feelings around this now. I think I am worried that I might not find the elusive happiness that I have always said would come with being smaller. What if it has all been a lie and that I could be happy RIGHT.NOW. In fact, I have a friend who lost over 150lbs and I saw her and we chatted for quite a bit and I said to her "You MUST feel better now-healthier . . .?" and her response . . ."not really". What if I get there and I still feel all this crap??!!??

Not sure where I am going, or what I need. Just some random thoughts from the couch--where I have been most of the day--sick, and wanting the rain to go away.


Lynilu said...

It's hard, I know. I'm one of those people who weighed 125 or less (I'm 5'7") until I was nearly 40. When I began gaining, I wasn't concerned, because I looked better with a little weight. Trouble is, it didn't stop going up and I didn't stop eating. Now I'm faced with some minor health issues slightly elevated cholesterol and the pain on my knees) that necessitate my losing weight. And I'm struggling. I'm looking at recipes that reduce calories and they actually look good to me, so I'm hopeful. It is hard for me because of my love for cooking and for eating, too.

Hang in there. You're doing a wonderful job, and I know you'll be fine in your continued weight loss. Wish me luck, too.

K J and the kids said...

It sounds like you are ROCKIN it out !
way to go !!!
I will say that it gets harder with age. oh and it doesn't help that Kirstie Alley was on Oprah and gained all of her weight back plus 10 lbs and Oprah's weight has gone up and down for decades now. It feels hopeless so you find yourself saying, why even try if I'm just going to gain it all back plus some any ways. I might as well eat and be merry.
(me, J and my mom are supposed to be following weight watchers right now, she came over tonight and we ate pizza and peanut M&M's...so much for us supporting each other)

Good luck ! It's like smoking or alcoholism....it's a lifestyle change. Something you have to work on your whole life.

Daisy said...

I am overweight and no matter what I do or don't do, the weight stays. I am very sensitive about my weight. Like Lynilu, I was always on the trim side until I was in my 40s. I applaud your weight loss!

Why do parents do that?

beans said...

Lyn-I get that it changes when you get older, and I guess I am hoping to get a head start so that the downhill fall isn't as bad. Sorry you are having some health challenges, but looks like you are working on them and that's all we can do . . .one meal at a time. Lots of luck to you with the food. I am encouraged that it seems to be getting easier and know you too will find that. Keep up the good work.

KJ-I am trying. Thanks for the encouragement! I know about people seemingly wanting to be supportive but just not being able to go there. I know that it is a lifestyle change--and it is crazy to think that we got here somehow, and rethinking all we know is hard . . .I am determined to keep on keeping on. BTW--the MM's sound great right now . . .

Daisy--I don't know why parents do that . . .I know they struggle too so I try and keep what they say in perspective, but most times I lose that battle. Will be there again this weekend and we will see how it goes. I can't wait until we can finally meet!!!

Thanks everyone for the words and for being with me on the journey!