Thursday, May 07, 2009

Therapy today

There was a bit of a scare the last few weeks with therapy. Mainly my company was switching insurance companies and there was a few days there where I wasn't sure my therapist was going to be covered. I have been seeing her for about 8 years and she and I are finally working on some good stuff. The rest was about keeping me alive and well, still good stuff but not the down and dirty kinda stuff that I needed to get to.

When I thought I was going to lose her-and yes I know that sounds dramatic but that IS a big deal--I started to re-evaluate what we were doing and how things were going along. I realized that we were getting too comfortable in our ways--mostly me avoiding the hard stuff and staying super surfaced. Well, today I decided to journal about it. ** Sidenote-->Oh and also, before I qualified for the SMI benefits--serious mental illness--and now with the new company I likely will not qualify. While I still have the dx's, I don't take any meds and they could say well, how seriously mentally ill can she be while not on any meds. In that case I would only have 20 visits per year. I need to check on this tomorrow at the benefits fair . . .

I had looked through a number of my old journals and I was struck by how much stuff happened my last year of high school and freshman year of college that I just don't recall. Scary to read your own writing and not know where it came from. I was deep in the doo doo of life, and I am just thankful I made it through. But reading it I was aware just how powerful of a tool my journal was for me. I used unlined sketch books so I could draw, write, paste things in, keep notes and cards, etc. I was seeing an art therapist for a while and so I have all those pictures. I saw one today that I thought I might take out and put in a frame. It was of a safe place--which of course for me was a big comfy chair, a book case, a carpet, and a bookcase. It looked divine! I can see why I would have chosen that as my safe space.

So I started writing about how it felt to read those two journals--of 10 . . .and then I wrote out some things that I wanted to work on with shrinky dink. I was scared as I read it to her, as I didn't want her to feel offended--and then we quickly assessed that we needed to work on the intense judgement and criticism going on in my head AT.ALL.TIMES. All in all it was a good session and we decided that I would bring my journal each week and at the end of the session we'd come up with something for the following week along the theme.

I am feeling better, therapy was good, my tummy is full, and tomorrow is my weigh in day. I saw a number this morning I don't recall seeing in a VERY long time. I hope it is still there tomorrow for the official weigh in day. I feel really motivated and not so hungry all the time.

Thanks for coming along with me. I so enjoy the fact that I have blogger friends who are interested in my world. Hope all is well in your corners!

Oh, another question for you social work types--any information or resources on therapists being in therapy--thoughts about it? I have often wondered how this affect my ability to fully engage . .


Lynilu said...

Beans, I think you probably need to work on allowing yourself to be the patient/client. It's very hard to back away from *doing* and go to *being*. I suspect you don't easily give yourself permission to let others "have their way" with you in this sense. It's very hard for many of us in the field to be clients because we know the "tricks of the trade" and tend to stiffen at a hint of it. Work on that, it's a positive step to give up that much trust, but it will be worth it. And I think you know it. :) Good luck, sweetie!

I'm glad the journaling is being made an active part of your work.

Daisy said...

I am glad to hear the journals are helpful. I have considered for a while now starting a journal to help me deal with my issues with the daughters.

Anonymous said...

This is so interesting to me because I just met with my "new" therapist this week. It was unusual for me because I felt safe, like I wasn't trying to fool her with my calm, chatty outside and was ready and willing to let her know what was going on in the inside.

An old Supervisor once told me, you can only take your clients as far as you have gone, with therapy. I think that is so true. They use to make Therapist's Own Family course a mandnatory course. The idea of it scared me to death, but the usefulness of it is aa good thing.

So glad your looking up your journals and getting back into using the.

Have a great weekend.

beans said...

Thanks everyone!

Now I just have to remember to DO the writing!

Caroline said...

Thank you for sharing with us.

For me, it was the flowers on the wallpaper that got me through things.