I would walk 500 miles . .

It is always something. I am not sure if this is just my lot in life, but if it is, i want a refund.

Let me back up. Last weekend was the most fantastical weekend I have had in a long time. My brother and little tyke were here, and the visit couldn't have gone any better. I am amazed these days at how far i have come with this relationship--from absolutely hating this person, to not even thinking about what happened, and just loving the brother that i now have. i talked about this in therapy the other night, and it still just blows me away to see where i have come from. makes me feel like there is hope on some of the other issues--perhaps forgiving myself will have great results like this as well. . .but i am way off on that one. They left Monday and it was sad to see them go.

we drove up to my folks on Saturday to surprise them and boy were they shocked. they had no idea bro and little tyke were in town, and i think the visit went well.

Then on Monday i found out a resident passed away at work and it was just a long week trying to figure out what my role was-- and having my supervisor and i basically disagree about what my role should be. she is not a social worker, but a behaviorist, and felt that my offering to help staff was counter to what i should be doing, and not appropriate. she doesn't want me blurring those lines with staff and counseling them. while i get that the social workers before me set up a poor boundary with staff, i felt that offering to help staff during this crisis would not only be part of my job, but welcomed--all the while recognizing that i would be supporting staff, not counseling them--we both debated the difference and she didn't seem like there was one. other people felt it sure was nice of me to offer to help staff through this hard time. The guy died quite traumatically, and everyone was in a hard space. even though i knew him and his family, i didn't know them THAT well. but whenever one of the guys dies, i always think about my own brother.

who is apparently not doing well health wise, and my parents still won't deal with his weight issues . . .i think sometimes they want him to die so they won't have to worry about what will happen to him. how else could you know that your child's heart would give at any moment and still not work on it--or even look like you are working on it. very very very frustrating!! maybe if i just start telling myself he will die soon will make it hurt less when it does.

then on Tuesday i decided that i needed to go to the doctor to see about my foot-which wasn't getting any better. i had been hobbling for few weeks. to recap for those who are new, i sprained my ankle two Decembers ago, and during that i tore a bit of my Achilles. i rehabbed it, got better, and periodically would have a few days where it would hurt and then it would get better. the doc said that the torn part probably is getting caught in the joint and making it hurt. i probably need surgery, but it is a long, painful surgery and rehab and i just don't have time for that. so i see the doc again and he takes more xrays and says now i have the added bonus of having a heel spur and a haglands deformity--which looks just like another spur type thing. he thinks the best thing is a cam walker--which is a giant black boot-to rest it so the inflammation goes down. i really like this doc, but since my insurance will be changing on 3/1, he no longer will be able to see me. i know i am fortunate to have medical coverage at all, but i am mourning the loss of my super duper insurance from the old place. i still have it until the end of the month, but then i go to a lower coverage and have to deal with referrals and the like.

who knows where this will end up. it still hurts in the boot, hurts out of the boot. i don't know. i am driving two footed, and i know that isn't the best, but it isn't like i can just stop life--that's not an option right now. i don't have disability benefits until i am there a year.

ok, i am done. went to church today and they talked about their trip to kenya and i am psyched and thinking seriously about whether or not going to kenya in 2010 would be in the cards for me--which i know is a ridiculous thought given my current health status . . . .

went shopping today and apparently the world has been rid of khaki pants, and no one sent me the memo. i am in desperate need of khaki pants and they are no where to be found. i did get a few things--OHHHHH, and went to this super cool plus size boutique last week and got some really neato things. i tried on a million things, and i felt good knowing that the women there would say things looked great on me, and equally they would let me know when things looked not so good. i ended up buying some staple pieces that i can wear with other things, and some super cute things that i was able to preview this week at work. i spent a lot of money on clothes--which is always hard for me, and DP likes to tease me about how much i spent. it was a lot, but i felt cute which rarely happens.

spent Friday night at my folks cleaning out crap again. i was far more grumpy this time than last, but i think it had more to do with me being in pain then my mother being particularly irritating-though she had plenty of that in her too. they are coming to our house next Sunday, and leave for Texas Monday for a month to see my brother. they are excited, but haven't flown in forever and are very worried about all the logistics. i am too, then i remember i don't have to be worried cause they are grown up and can worry about themselves. oh, and did i mention that we will have their dog for the month?? and that their dog is slightly "off" . . weird ass dog if i have ever seen one. should be interesting. we think she will either get better, or die of anxiety.

what else .. .the kids are good. rainy and snowy today so there is mud--BUT GUESS WHAT?? we have hired a lawn care man and he says our lawn isn't the worst he has seen, and he can help. it was a really decent deal and we are waiting to sign on the dotted line.

YEAH--maybe no more mud puddles at some point in the future. i was already prepped that it will take time, but i am ok with that!

ok, i gotta jet since the light in the room had faded, and i am about to lose all my battery juice. hope all is well in your parts of the world.

So I had a good day!

The days are getting better, and I feel like I at least have a handle on what I am supposed to be doing. I even got a call from the second in command to tell me I was doing a bang up job. I wondered to myself whether or not I could save those calls up and withdraw when he decides in a few months that I have really f-d up. Because I do know him and I know that is in the works at some point.

This weekend my brother and nephew are coming in for a visit. I am so excited to see them . . though this will be a real downer compared to Disney where they are coming from, but I am ok with that. We are going to my folks house to surprise them, since they haven't seen each other in over nine months. They think they are watching the dogs for the day!

Yeah, sometimes surprises are good. Bad days turn around. I realize that I just might know something worth sharing!

Just shoot me now

I know I am the biggest, fattest baby you have ever seen, but I can't handle the mud. I absolutely, positively cannot stand the muddy paws that like to jump on me--front, back, side, I think they know and they do it deliberately.

I love them dearly, and I would never do anything to harm them, but for a moment today I could see how kids could drive their parents to do very bad things. I am going to look up pet washes and see if we can get one installed that would wash them as soon as they come in the back door.

I need help. I admit it . . .It is going to be a long, very very very very long melting season . . .

Snow Puppies

When all else fails . . .puppy pictures to the rescue. From today's winter wonderland!

Today!

Was amazingly better . . .though I am beat. Ready for bed.

Thanks for all your words of wisdom. I think they really helped today to re-read them and know that I am going to be ok.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

How I hope

. . .that the not knowing stuff gets easier. I feel so lost . . .

I have a saying on my desk that says "Most things are difficult before they are easy." This seems to be my mantra these days.

I need to be more gentle with myself, to remember that most people don't know it all, and that it is ok to say I don't know.

I need to find the confidence, and I need to do it soon. I will be successful, damn it. I will.