What do you say . . .

To your mother who is waiting to hear if she has cancer . . .

Mom had some tests done this week and it is looking like it may be cancer. She won't know anything until July 7th. Now, my family has had to deal with a lot of medical things, but cancer. C A N C E R ?

Cancer means that people die . . .cancer means that people are in lots of pain . . .cancer means that people lose their hair . . .cancer means that people have to choose between fighting and living just the way they are . . .cancer means that there's a whole lot of hurt that is going to happen.

You will remember how troubled I was when mom had heart surgery . . .We finally are in a place in our lives where we sort of respect each other, and I feel like it is an uphill battle to make this feel ok. The other day when mom called to tell me, I felt a pain so deep in my heart I almost felt breathless. I wrote her a card that night and wanted to badly to let her know that I cared for her and loved her.

This is after many years of hating this woman. For beating me for so many years, for making everything my fault, for never saying I was good enough, for saying the abuse was in my head . .

Finally in a place where we are ok.

I am so hurt right now at the thought if it ending this way. I know people who have lived through this, and I am sure it will be ok in the end . . .no matter how it turns out. But for right now, exactly where I am, it hurts. Very much. I want to run to her and tell her it will be ok . . .though I don't know that it will.

It was much easier I think when I did not care . . .this feeling crap is for the birds . . .