Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Surely there's a life lesson here . . .

OK, so I got written up today at work. I have never really been in trouble at work, and I have dealt many-a-disciplinary action on the staff I used to supervise. But when it is you, and you are fairly perfectionistic, getting written up is a huge deal.

I guess the gist of it is that sometimes I say things that I think-- before I think about the fact that I should not really be saying them--does anyone else have this problem??? For instance, we are in a terrible staffing crunch right now, and when my supervisor asked me the other day to find staff for new cases, I said as a matter of factly, "Am I supposed to poop out staff-we have no staff?" OK, so I KNEW as soon as it was exiting my mouth that it was not ok for me to say it. Then, I also have this thing about the secretary nazi we have and how she can get away with being a pure bitch to everyone-even though we are supposed to worry about our image and customer service-well, she is the boss's partner, so when I said to someone "I guess it helps when you are sleeping with the boss" I meant it literally and figuratively-I mean, she IS sleeping with the boss, but I digress.

Last week at the urging of my oh so patient DP, I went in to speak with my supervisor about my frustrations and how I felt like I had been negative lately. We had a nice chat and I gave her ample time to let me know how she felt about my attitude-she said nothing about my attitude, she thanked me and told me in several emails afterwards how wonderful I was. OHHH, and I forgot, this all started because in a staff meeting last week I saw in her To Do list (which was wide open in front of everyone to see) that she needed to write me up for the pooping comment . . .we thought we would head it off . . .

I get the write up and basically I got reamed on my attitude, the things that come out of my mouth, and the fact that I made one auditing mistake. Far be it from me to make one mistake-oh well.

I am trying to find the life lesson in here. Interestingly enough, I cried afterwards and I vowed not to ever talk to anyone at the office again, and I used two hours of my flex time and left early. I was angry, but I was fairly calm. I went to the gym, skipped my bible study, and watched a documentary on the crap ass war going on in Iraq.

This is disturbing on a few levels-1-where was the typically freak out that I am used to having when something goes wrong? The brooding about how awful the world is and how much I suck. 2-I feel suspiciously calm about the whole thing now that it is over.

I guess I am seeing the results of stopping and acknowledging that I have done something that needed to be reprimanded. I think it could have been gone about a different way, but I owned it, and in some respect that has helped to see it for what it is worth. A life lesson. It doesn't need to be a crisis, it doesn't need to catapult me into some crazy depression and pity party. While it doesn't feel good, and I wished it didn't happen, I am grateful for the opportunity to see how much I have grown.

The kicker- I get home and there is a message for me from an agency that is asking me to come interview for a position-my name had been given to them by someone I worked with last year. I called her back for more info. Then, I talk with someone else today about a possible idea.

I am not stuck unless I choose to be, and right now I choose not to be. I will take all that I can from this job and I will move on when the time is right--and it will be ok.

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