Things have been very challenging for me to say the least over the last few weeks. The amount of time and energy I have been putting into my folks has been great . . .and very frustrating to say the least. The flood and then my father having to go to the hospital has been too much. I don't know what to do anymore to help them and I feel like I am waiting around for something horrible to happen to them, and at times I almost wish that would come sooner than later as I don't know how much longer I can handle the worrying. As a wise, wise social worker friend told me this week (thanks Friend!) you can't case manage your own family . . . I am so angry at them on so many levels that it feels at times like I will explode.
This week I did. It got to be too much and resorted to cutting again . . .something I haven't done in 6 years. I left therapy the other day and I was seething. Just so angry and I have never really been good at anger. When people in my life got angry, other people got hurt. So I decided long ago that getting angry at other people and letting them know it was not something I would do. I turned it all inward and at 12 began to cut. For me it was a way to feel . . when I was numb and needed the blood to remind me that I was still alive. A way to connect to myself and release some of that pressure that was building up inside. I don't expect others to understand this . . .I know it is not something most people can or want to understand. I used to hurt myself pretty badly and at times needed stitches, yet it wasn't about trying to end my life. I never remember feeling the pain of it all that I did to myself.
This was not true this week. I am not glad that I did it, but I am glad that not only did it hurt like hell, but it also gave me no relief what so ever. In fact for years I have been saying that if I ever went back to that I would be lost . . .I felt out of control during and afterwards as I wasn't sure how I could let myself get to that point again. I almost didn't do it as I knew my DP sees all of me and would know. As I drove around more I devised a story and decided I would do it in a place that I could say I fell or something. I didn't want to lie, but I was too far gone at that point in my head. Like a druggie looking to score I was blinded by the promise that my pain would soon end and I would be in control of my thoughts and feelings again. Little did I know that wasn't in the cards.
I came home and told DP and called shrinky dink. It was a rough day the next day and I am still off kilter. I need to find a way for anger to be appropriately expressed and know that I will not do to others what had been done to me in anger. In talking to DP she noted that in 7.5 years together she has never seen me angry. This, friends, is not ok. I need to be able to let this stuff go, and I also need the experience of being angry with others and not have them hurt me or leave. Shrinky dink say we will work harder on this, and that she will help.
In other news. . .This weekend I watched some kids yesterday and today went to church and did some yard work. We didn't go up to see the folks and it was best that way. Dad seems to be holding his own, and they have diagnosed him with gout. I guess he is in the clear of surgery right now and will be seeing a new doc tomorrow which will be good. This weekend I am in Atlantic City Thu-Saturday for a conference and then next weekend we will go up to see the folks on Sunday. The next weekend we go to TX to visit my brother and little tyke. I am excited about this trip.
In the meantime I am trying to be gentle with myself and not allow this to be the start of a downhill spiral. There's no need for that and I am on a hourly reminder system of that right now.
