Grab a cup of something and settle in-

Hi. How are you all doing? I am ok. I went to the doctor today to see what is up with these crazy headaches I have been getting on on off for the last two months. Also some weird heart racing. No big deal. I get there and they take my BP and is it high--usually is at first. Doc comes in, talks to me for a bit, takes it again, and it is higher. She pokes around and thinks I have a sinus infection which may be causing the headaches. I have a long history of sinus issues and so this is not a far cry from what could be happening. She listed to the ticker and declares that fine as well. Obviously she is concerned about increased BP, so she prescribed antibiotics for the infection, and tells me to come back in three weeks and we will talk more about headaches if they are still there and check on BP. She also took blood--lots of blood. I am supposed to have my BP taken three times between now and the time I go back, and I am not sure how I am going to do that short of going to her office, which is a about 35 minutes away. I really like this doc and have stayed with her through various moves-much like the mechanic, I don't want to switch. I went to a cardiologist a year ago after my mom's open heart surgery to check on BP, but as soon as he took me off the birth control, it was better than normal. I am not on BC now, so I am unsure as to what could be causing this. I am sure worrying about what's causing it is causing it to go higher. Probably the brain tumor that is growing in my head as we speak and will soon burst out of my eyeballs.

Then this evening I talk to my brother. My brother who moved to TX over Easter and who I haven't seen since. Well, he is having a hard time. My SIL was diagnosed with bi-polar I guess like two years ago now, and it is not being managed very well. She had been hospitalized a few times, and then they decided together they would move to TX where she could take another lawyer job, make a shitload of money, and live the slower paced life. Well, needless to say the shit hath come very close to the fan, and my brother is stressed and has threatened to take Little Tyke away and leave. Which I am sure is not helping the situation, but he doesn't know what to do. I have told him what to do, of course, and he isn't listening and it is making me mad. He seems to think he can just reason with her and try and bully her into treatment, and I keep telling him it will not work. He asks me what to do, and I tell him to seek out a couples therapist that can help them determine together how to manage this. He has been supportive all along, but he is getting impatient. He revealed to me tonight that he has been seeing a therapist privately before they left for TX, though he paid in cash so as to not have anything on record in case he needed to deal with custody issues. Now that he is a stay at home daddy, he doesn't have the cash he had before to do this. She is seeing a psychiatrist once every three months--and they have her on so many meds that I can't imagine how they are monitoring it every three months. Her therapist has told her that she doesn't need to be going to therapy so much, and so she doesn't go. I think she is far from being able to manage this on her own.

My relationship with my brother has been so complicated. This man that I care about so deeply now is the same kid who did horrible things to me as a child, and who I nearly destroyed myself over. When I hear him talk, I hear how scared and vulnerable he is, and how he wants someone to help him make sense of things---it makes me sad (can I feel sad? can it be ok to feel sad for him, who did THAT?). Of course I want to be there for him, but I struggle as well with the feelings that come up. I hear him on the phone with Little Tyke, and he sounds like such a great father, and you can tell he is trying so hard. I want this to be easier for him, I want him to listen to me to get support for himself (why won't he listen--is this how it was when I didn't listen to people . . .). I want her to feel ok about herself. She is a brilliant, high powered lawyer who is freaking out right now and can't get out of bed because the TX bar application specifically asks if she has bi-polar disorder. She is worried that she will not be admitted to the bar and will lose her job over this. I can't blame her . . .I don't think that is even legal, but what do I know.

I know that is sucks to think of their relationship struggling so much. They have been together since high school, and he sacrificed a lot for her to put her through school. I hope they can find a way through this in a way that is honorable for all. I hope that Little Tyke is spared any harm from her inability to be near him and love him as he should be loved. I know they are all trying--it is hard to sit back and not have the words or the ability to help.

I will see them in about two weeks, and I am very excited. Little Tyke talked to me today on the phone about our plans to go trick or treating, and he instructed me on what I was to say when I got to the doors. He also told me about the dog that bit him in the face, and how he had to get stitches. He said is burned a little, but he was a big boy--all 4.75 years of him.

I miss them . . .I am sad for them.