Christmas time is here . . .Almost!

Well my day today so far has been excruciatingly boring, so I thought I would take some time to write to my fine following!! We had 13 inches of snow this weekend, and I am sure glad it happened over a weekend, as I would have likely have had to come to work if it weren't. Other folks in the Philly area got 23 inches of snow. Holy Crap that is a lot of snow. I am so glad that we decided to go in on a snow blower with our neighbors last year. It sure did come in handy and reduced our shoveling time by a LOT! See Riley not enjoying the blizzard condition!

This Christmas we will be at my folk’s house, and that should be ok. I have significantly limited the amount of time I have been spending there the last two months, so I am hoping for a good holiday. We will only be there 12/24-12/26. DP's sister is coming in from Minneapolis on Saturday--which also happens to be my birthday! She will be here for a week and that will be fun. We don’t have a ton planned, and I only work three days that week. This week I only work today and tomorrow!!!!

We have had lots of household plans to think about, the latest of which is whether or not to carpet the upstairs. There is hardwood up there now, but it is in bad shaped, and you can tell it was carpeted before. Perhaps they pulled it up to sell it. In any case, it is just getting annoying to see if looking so bad, and splintering our feet. Also, Addie's hips have been causing her more problems and so that is the only area of the house that is not carpeted with a rug. Since we can't afford to refinish/replace the wood, we decided to get carpet just in the upstairs, and a runner down the stairs. Hopefully this will help until we can afford to fix the floors properly--in like 10 years!! We posted on facebook that we were thinking of doing this, and who the hell knew people were such carpet haters!! I guess I understand if you have kids and pups in a high traffic area, but we figure in the bedroom and stairs we should be ok. AT least that's what we are telling ourselves. At the end of the day it is our house and we will decide . . .I think they will be measuring today and hopefully we can get it by next week.

We also had a contractor come out to let us know about a bunch of small things we need to get done--all things my brother or father in law could do, but seeing as how they all live so damn far away, we went to the next best thing. A friend's father!! I wish owning an old home didn't cost so much money! Oh well, we love our home and will do what we can, when we can.

Speaking of our home, we are having a birthday party for it in January. Our house will be 100 years old and we are taking the opportunity to have some folks over and celebrate. We were thinking of getting tiles and having folks decorate them and then we could make it into a table or something. We also thought the house would like to take a collection for a new stove. Ours is pretty bad, and we thought instead of having folks bring other stuff, we would just do that . . .hope that isn't tacky . . .

I guess that's it for now. I should get back to work. Or back to reading old leadership notes from 4 years ago. Really, I am bored and there's not much to do today. I have some meetings this afternoon, so that will be good. I will be taking on a new position as of January, so I suppose I oughta enjoy the quiet now!!
Hope you are all well in your corners!

Just blah

Wish I had more exciting things to say these days . . .just feeling rather blah. The Christmas spirit seems to have worn off and we have only just begun. I know it will return, but until then I am just hanging in there.

We got a visit from the police today . ..apparently someone called twice today saying the dogs (though more than likely it was Addie!) were barking excessively . . .it irritates me when folks call anonymously instead of coming to the people and talking to them. We had gone to both our neighbors and said if they were barking to let us know. Obviously they are in the outdoor kennel all day, so we don't know what they do. It just makes me mad-mostly because I wish we didn't have to leave them so long, and I wish that we could walk them more, and I wish that we had better control over their behaviors. I know I am awfully whiny, but this is my blog and I can whine if I want to.

Work is work. I forgot how much it sucked to want snow so badly, but then remember that you work at a residential facility that doesn't shut down in the snow. They expect you to be there--even though my day to day job is not direct care, I am still expected to be there. So while DP wishes for snow days, I don't. Wonder if our wishes cancel each other out?

Well, that's about all I will torture you with.

OHHH, wait. I have one more thing to say about work in general. It really gets to me when folks think that just because I am a social worker that I can somehow save the flippin world and fix everyone's problems. I am only human people and just because you come to me with a problem does NOT mean I can fix it. Also, don't be surprised if I ask you to participate in the solution!! Everyone wants stuff done, but doesn't want to do what is needed to actually fix problems. ok, really done now!

god damned swine

so while all the prisoners had their swine flue shots, our clients who are medically fragile haven't been able to get them.

one is in the hospital now . . .her parents took her off the ventilator tonight and she will probably die before tomorrow.

what the hell kind of sense does that make . ..some days god just pisses me the hell off!


***Update-->she passed away last night***

Southwest is kicking my ass

OK, so I am being sent to our satellite center in Massachusetts later this week and they have me going on Southwest. I don't know much about Southwest except this . . .they have weird seating arrangements, and they will tell fat people they need to buy another seat.

I am so worried about this trip and the pending seating issues that I didn't sleep well last night. I had a dream that the airline people stood there with score cards and took votes on your weight and then made you buy a new seat after strutting down the aisle in front of everyone. I called them last night and just checked in, and they said that if I was relatively ok on the Continental flight I should be ok. But then I had DP's butt to squish into . . .this time I am going with a co-worker--who I don't feel comfortable telling my fears to . . .she is a skinny mini and will have no problem. Which would be good if I knew we could sit together but they have weird seating rules. The flight out is not full at all right now--only 25% full as of last night. The flight home had only ten seats left. DP told me to go ahead and buy the other seat if I thought it would help ease my mind, but it doesn't . . .my co-workers all seem to think I will be fine. My ultimate fear is that I will get there and they will tell me I have to buy another seat and there won't BE another seat.

Oh well. DP says there's nothing I can do about it, and I know she is right. I wish the Internet didn't have so many horror stories about those who are "of size" and who have flown Southwest.

I am excited about the trip in general . . .I just need to get past this part.

I sort of joked that I was going to go to one of those body wrap places the night before and see if I can get a few inches off my butt.

Oh well . . .I will let you know how it goes.

Other stuff is fine . . .not much drama in my department which is nice for a change.

Hope all is well in your corners!

A week I'd like to forget

Things have been very challenging for me to say the least over the last few weeks. The amount of time and energy I have been putting into my folks has been great . . .and very frustrating to say the least. The flood and then my father having to go to the hospital has been too much. I don't know what to do anymore to help them and I feel like I am waiting around for something horrible to happen to them, and at times I almost wish that would come sooner than later as I don't know how much longer I can handle the worrying. As a wise, wise social worker friend told me this week (thanks Friend!) you can't case manage your own family . . . I am so angry at them on so many levels that it feels at times like I will explode.

This week I did. It got to be too much and resorted to cutting again . . .something I haven't done in 6 years. I left therapy the other day and I was seething. Just so angry and I have never really been good at anger. When people in my life got angry, other people got hurt. So I decided long ago that getting angry at other people and letting them know it was not something I would do. I turned it all inward and at 12 began to cut. For me it was a way to feel . . when I was numb and needed the blood to remind me that I was still alive. A way to connect to myself and release some of that pressure that was building up inside. I don't expect others to understand this . . .I know it is not something most people can or want to understand. I used to hurt myself pretty badly and at times needed stitches, yet it wasn't about trying to end my life. I never remember feeling the pain of it all that I did to myself.

This was not true this week. I am not glad that I did it, but I am glad that not only did it hurt like hell, but it also gave me no relief what so ever. In fact for years I have been saying that if I ever went back to that I would be lost . . .I felt out of control during and afterwards as I wasn't sure how I could let myself get to that point again. I almost didn't do it as I knew my DP sees all of me and would know. As I drove around more I devised a story and decided I would do it in a place that I could say I fell or something. I didn't want to lie, but I was too far gone at that point in my head. Like a druggie looking to score I was blinded by the promise that my pain would soon end and I would be in control of my thoughts and feelings again. Little did I know that wasn't in the cards.

I came home and told DP and called shrinky dink. It was a rough day the next day and I am still off kilter. I need to find a way for anger to be appropriately expressed and know that I will not do to others what had been done to me in anger. In talking to DP she noted that in 7.5 years together she has never seen me angry. This, friends, is not ok. I need to be able to let this stuff go, and I also need the experience of being angry with others and not have them hurt me or leave. Shrinky dink say we will work harder on this, and that she will help.

In other news. . .This weekend I watched some kids yesterday and today went to church and did some yard work. We didn't go up to see the folks and it was best that way. Dad seems to be holding his own, and they have diagnosed him with gout. I guess he is in the clear of surgery right now and will be seeing a new doc tomorrow which will be good. This weekend I am in Atlantic City Thu-Saturday for a conference and then next weekend we will go up to see the folks on Sunday. The next weekend we go to TX to visit my brother and little tyke. I am excited about this trip.

In the meantime I am trying to be gentle with myself and not allow this to be the start of a downhill spiral. There's no need for that and I am on a hourly reminder system of that right now.

The end of my rope . .

Seems to be creeping up in regards to my family. I have a ton going on with them and I don't have the slightest idea of how to figure it all out . . .

Tony Campolo Rocks The House

This is a professor I had in college . . .he spoke at my church this past weekend and I wasn't there. I just watched and felt like I wanted to share. Even if you aren't into the god thing, he has some good things to say .. .it gets better after 12-13 minutes . . .hang in there. His wife, Peggy, went to another church I went to for a while which is a welcoming and affirming church for gay and lesbian folk and their relationship was always very interesting and I felt better about him knowing she was around to keep him real. Oh well . .for what it is worth. Take a look.



Brian Jones - The Official Website Blog Tony Campolo Rocks The House

Guess what I did??

I read 4 books over vacation! I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but let me tell you it takes me a while to read books. I typically have a lot that I start and never finish. I went to Big Bookstore before vacation and looked at the buy one get one half off and chose a few. You might notice a theme to which my shrink was like, um, what's with that and I told her that it wasn't that unusual. Last years vacation I read a few on the same theme as well-not this years theme, but another which happened to be all about the day in the life of women in different professions--very interesting! The cool thing is I actually read a couple of novels which is not my genre of choice but I found them to be enjoyable! Take a look at what I read!

1. Better-A Surgeon's notes on performance-- I really liked this book written by a general surgeon about his work. He tackles a few issues including the changing world of health care, child birth, the medical role in the death penalty, and more. I liked that he seemed to do a good job of presenting both sides of an issue, all while illustrating it with stories of his own practice and experience. He has another book called Complications which I haven't read yet, but got at the same time. One of the things he talks about which I appreciated was about the advances in medicine and the struggle between using that technology to save people who will go on to have seriously diminished quality of life. Working with the children I do and the situations I have been in, it was great that he tackled some of that . . .whether you agree or not.

2. The Bufflehead Sisters-- This was a good novel, though I have to say that I sort of knew the ending about 3/4 of the way through. It was still entertaining enough for me to keep going and I read the whole book in about a day!

3. Tell me where it hurts-- This book is about a day in the life of a veterinary surgeon. Somewhat like Better, he addresses multiple issues and the book is a good mix of explanation of different procedures and historical context and personal stories. DP read the book and liked the stories better than the "blah blah boring stuff." It was cute I thought . . .and again, very easy no brainer book for all the animal livers out there.

4. But inside I am screaming -- I enjoyed this novel about an reporter who has a nervous breakdown and ends up in a psych ward to try and figure herself out. She struggles with the "i'm not like these crazy people" idea and the book follows her through this. I liked this book as I could relate having spent a good amount of my own life in similar situations.

Have you guys read any of these? Any other reviews of these that you would add?

Hope all is well in your parts. I am back to work tomorrow . . .I am well rested and ready for new adventures. I have some posts about some other things but they will have to wait for now!

Relaxing Queen

Vacation is going marvelously and again I am sad that I cannot be a professional vactioner . .

So far I have read two whole books--which is a huge accomplishment for me . . , had the dog neutered, took a tour of Lambeau Field, bought 20lbs of cheese for dirt cheap, and spent two glorious hours doing nothing but laying outside reading. We also went to Door County, WI where I was able to wander about these small quaint shops and dream of a day I can do more of this kind of stuff.

DP and I have made some decisions about some things we need to do when we get back home--mainly looking at the budget and the garden--I know two very different things but both important to be looked at. We realize that we have spent so much time working this summer that we have been most miserable and at times not so nice to each other. This is not how we want to be with each other and will work towards making some changes.

I think I am going to nap a bit this afternoon since the pups apparently have NO concept of the time change and have been up at 5:00am most the days we have been here so far. This, my friends, is NOT fun!
I will leave you with some pictures of our time so far . . . Enjoy and hope all is well in your parts!

The kids lying about . . .picture from lunch in Door, County. Below is another picture from where we stopped to have lunch, then from the field at Lambeau!

Vote for my friend if you would . . .

Hey there folks-

If you have a second, please vote for my friend and her husband's photography business. They are in the run to win a Best of Philly award . . . You do'nt need to live in the area to vote. Check it out below:

Weld Photography http://www.weldphotography.us/ has been nominated as Best of Philly at
My Fox Philly Hotlist. We are in 6th place out of 187 photographers.
It only takes a minute to vote and is super easy. To vote go to: http://myfoxphilly.cityvoter.com/weld-photography/biz/406714
One vote per e-mail address. Pass on the link to anyone you might know
that would take a sec to help out our company.

64 things you've never been asked

1. First thing you wash in the shower? shampoo my hair

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? hunter green

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yes!

4. Do you plan outfits? depends--not usually

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? excited about vacation

6. What's the closest thing to you that's red? candy cane from xmas

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? kayaking with my shrink

8. Did you meet anyone new today? yes, the nice kid from the car place

9. What are you craving right now? iced tea

10. Do you floss? yes--recently started and i love it

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? saurkraut

12. Are you emotional? sometimes

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? Probably not

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? usually let it melt a little then eat it

15. Do you like your hair? yes

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? only if i could poison him!

18. What are you listening to right now? DP listening to "all she wants to do is dance"

19. Are your parents strict? on certain things, but not really

20. Would you go sky diving? NO WAY!

21. Do you like cottage cheese? yes

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? no

23. Do you rent movies often? no

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? yes, a print on my wall

25. How many countries have you visited? 1

26. Have you made a prank phone call? yes, when i was a kid

27. Ever been on a train? Yes

28. Brown or white eggs? brown

29. Do you have a cell phone? Yes

30. Do you use chap stick? Burts!

31. Do you own a gun? hell no

32. Can you use chop sticks? Nope

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? DP and the kids

34. Are you too forgiving? at times

35. Ever been in love? Yes!

36. What are your best friend(s) doing tomorrow? working and lunch bunch

37. Ever have cream puffs? Yes

38. Last time you cried? a few days ago

39. What was the last question you asked? do we have a deposit slip

40. Favorite time of the year? fall-hands down

41. Do you have any tattoos? yes, two

42. Are you sarcastic? yes!

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? nope

44. Ever walked into a wall? more times than i should admit

45. Favorite color? purple

46. Have you ever slapped someone? i am sure

47. Is your hair curly? nope

48. What was the last CD you bought? the new alanis album

49. Do looks matter? more than i would like to admit

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater? nope--i can't stand lying at all

51. Is your phone bill sky high? no, but it is more than i wish

52. Do you like your life right now? it is working and getting better. more improvements are needed but that is good

53. Do you sleep with the TV on? nope

54. Can you handle the truth? Yes, gently given of course

55. Do you have good vision? mostly, i have a slight prescription but can see without them

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? yes

57. How often do you talk on the phone? all the time

58. The last person you held hands with? DP

59. What are you wearing? pj's

60.What is your favorite animal? dogs

61. Where was your profile picture taken? outside

62. Can you hula hoop? no

63. Do you have a job? Yes-thanks goodness

64. What was the most recent thing you bought? a windsheild

Vacation

I am on vacation in a few days and it cannot come soon enough. This summer has been hellacious with work and the extra work we took on. It was clearly a lot to do and we are feeling the stress of not having any free time to really be with each other and not worry so much about not having any free time. We have managed to make use of our season tickets to the waterpark, but even that has been a lot with driving up there and having to then see my folks. . . usually all in one day becasue the nexty day we are working.

Things have been generally ok. I have been feeling very tired in the afternoons lately, and this has lead to checking in with the sleep study folks to see what might be happening with my sleep. I went for the first test and they said that even though the apneas were WAY better than last time five years ago, there's still enough present to make them want me to have a mask. He says if I keep losing weight it is likely that I won’t need it at all soon. I go back in a few weeks to have the second study done. I think the doc will also check me for Lymes as we have had many folks at work get it, and Addie was recently diagnosed with it as well.

I also had to start taking blood pressure medication. Now, I have had issues with medications since before when I was on too many psychotropics to keep track of. When I was finally able to come off of all meds a few years ago I sort of went the other way in that I don't want to take ANYTHING!!! But alas my BP had been a little high--like 130's/90's . . .for a while and she thought that since everyone else in my fam had high BP that it just might be a genetic thing. I canceled a few appts with her because I didn't want to discuss the issue. Then my bro who went on them a few years ago lost 40lbs and he has been able to come off of all of them. I am now taking a small dose of something or other and it seems to have given me an acceptable blood pressure for now. Cholesterol is excellent, so I guess that is good.

I am hanging in there with the weight loss. It has been so slow and up and down a few lbs on any given week. I am hoping the two weeks with DP's folks will help stabilize things as we generally eat very well there and walk a lot. I haven't gained and feel good that at least I am maintaining. I need to kick up the working out, but see paragraph one about not having time for anything and being very tired in the afternoons. I would like to try and see if I can find a place that I can do water aerobics. I think that would be great fun!

The pups are good, though Riley had a fight with his BFF Buergi this past week and since then they have been unable to be together. It is time for the big snip, and he will have that done while we are in Wisconsin. Folks have said we should be glad that they got along so well this long as they are both intact males-->NOT FOR LONG! Addie is as precious as ever and we have finally found the trick to her bowels and that means she can be on the same food as her brother and she is doing great. She has so much energy in the morning and we are convinced she has some boxer in her casue when she gets excited her puppy paws go flying!!! It is very cute--except when you are taking her up to the kennel with a full bucket of water and she runs into you--this has happened a few times and it has made for a less than happy mama!

Work has been ok. New exciting prospects on the horizon, which I won't get into until I hear something for sure. Let's just say that it would be a big deal and would require me to wear more fancy pants clothing on a regular basis . . . Doing a lot of respite care . . .glad I can be helpful to families and the kids.

Family stuff has been interesting. We have been having a lot of discussions, heated debates, and tears over future planning for my brother. The good thing is that we seem to be on the right road as far as some things my folks needed to see. Like being more accurate on his yearly plan about what he could and couldn't do. Little things like that are going far to have my folks trust me a bit more. We have also planned a trip to TX to see other bro in October and will be there for his birthday. We are all very excited and this will be DP's first trip to see the place in TX. Little Tyke starts kindergarten next week . .where does the time go. I can still remember leaving my job the day we got the call that we was being born and now he's trotting off to school and my bro is on the PTA!!!!! WHAT???

OK, well, I should get back to work. Hope this keeps you guys hanging in there with me. I am sure I will have lot of adventures to share from vacation and the time to share them! I even bought a few books yesterday to take with me!!!

Hope all is well in your corners! See you soon!!!

Knock knock

Is this thing still on??

I am thinking really hard about coming back home to the mothership!

Is anyone else still out there??

Very very behind!

I am so behind in my blog reading and writing!

I promise I will get back on track soon . . .none of you are forgotten . . .

Hope all is well in your corners!

What a situation

There's a situation at work that is making me slightly ill.

We have a young man-23yrs- who has MR and brain damage due to a seizure disorder where he used to fall and hit is head all the time. His mother immigrated to the US from Jamaica when he was younger to give him a better chance at good docs and such. He ends up at our facility about 8 years ago. He had some serious behaviors like running away, hitting others, etc. He was very active--loves riding his bike, running around with the maintenance department, etc.

He also had very bad scoliosis that was affecting his breathing. The social worker got his home state to allow him to stay at our place post 21 until he had the surgery to fix his back since when he went back to his home state for adult programming he wouldn't have the insurance to pay for the surgery. TONS of hours of advocating for him lead him to the surgery. He has the surgery and the next day the cage that was holding his spine together popped and he is now a paraplegic. No feeling from the waist down. A year later he still asked when we will allow him to walk again . . .

So in the midst of this he is non-compliant with personal care--once being totally toilet trained he is now in diapers and doesn't like people to see him naked. He pulls out his catheter which has causes lesions that have become infected. He has injured a number of staff during his aggressive outbursts . . it goes on. He is a huge liability the agency says and they charge me with the tasks of making his home state take him back--citing that we said we'd keep him until the surgery was done and they could place him in home state.

They have nothing to meet his needs--mom isn't a good advocate . . and we send a discharge letter for the end of this month. They have nothing for him and as a result he will go to a state center. This makes me so sad on many levels. People here are burnt out because of him, and we are not an appropriate placement for him. But it makes me so sad when I tell them my concerns about where he is going and they say they don't care. I know they are frustrated, but this kid is bound for a life of being drugged up to assure compliance and I am saddened by the fact that people are just congratulating me for getting him moved.

He will go on Monday, and his mother told me the other day that she know I didn't care if he dies, as long as he got out of our place. This hurt--because I know in part that this is not right for him. I feel angry and upset about this . . .though I know I am fighting a losing battle . . .

These are the days that being a social worker and seeing the ills of the world suck big time. In reading Cheryl's blog about her experiences with school social work I know I am not alone in feeling like life is hitting us over the head faster than we can dole out resources--

GRRRRRR.And there are no other social workers where I work . .I work with all clinical behavior folks and today I tried to explain to my supervisor how I was feeling and she told me I was becoming too involved and that I needed to separate and know that this was not what was best for him. I told her I knew that but I still had feelings about it . . .

In other news things are shaking up a bit here at home and I am excited to see what is in store for us.

Hope you are all well in your corners of the world.

Brain hurts

My brain is so full that it feels like it is about to burst and roll off of my body. A ton going on lately and I am trying to stay afloat . . .

Busy time at work--graduation was last week and it is my job to make sure that everyone has a place to go after graduation and it was down to the wire.

It has also been raining-like every day for the last two months I think . . .it gets old after a while and I am ready for some nice weather...the only good thing is that we haven't had to use the air conditioner yet this year and that is great!

Meeting Miss Daisy and other random notes

It's been quite a week. We went kayaking last weekend and it was absolutely fabulous!! I can't explain how free I feel on the water . . .gliding through this powerful source of life and being . . .just small me on this great big lake and the trees and birds and animals. It was just great. I even tried a sit inside kayak this time and did great. I was afraid my bum wouldn't fit without a great deal of WD40, but I did well and actually kind of liked it a bit better. I will do a thorough comparison before we ever get one- for the amount of money we spend to rent, I am thinking we should just buy! The place we rent from sells their supply at the end of the season, so maybe we'll go that route.

Then it was just a busy week at work. We had the memorial service for one of the students that passed away a little over a month ago and that was just sad .. .I mean happy to remember him, but the family put together a slide show and it is just rough.

Then on Friday I got to meet my blogger buddy Daisy! and her man friend. It was awesome to put a face and more of a personality to this person who I have been blogging with. Though I was nervous that I would be stood up, and my friends were glad DP was going along in case Daisy ended up being a blogger-phile or something. It was nothing like that! We shared a great meal at Bahama Breeze and chatted about just about everything. I think it was a wonderful start to a great new friendship. Our next mission--GAY BINGO!! I can't wait. Thanks Daisy and Man-Friend for a great night and a warm welcome!

Yesterday we did a whole lot . ..since it had rained all week, we still hadn't buried our last guinea pig friend who died earlier this week. He hung out in the freezer until we could get out there and properly bury him. He died very suddenly--I noticed one day he wasn't looking too well and then that night before we went to bed he died. I think it was because I changed his food-I felt he needed something more exotic . . .and I have serious food issues. DP thinks it is because she was wondering what would could do with the corner in the living room without a big cage there . . .either way he was joined many a friend over the rainbow bridge!

We also went to the dog park where we had a super dog meet up. Three of our friends came and the pups played for about 2 hours. After that they went for baths and I went to get my friend for respite care for the afternoon. We then went to this sad strawberry festival . . .which should have been named " old folks festival". There was one little pot of strawberries and lots of older folk. We were disappointed that there weren't berries to buy, but we had a bowl full and then went back to deal with the garden and the 'hog. This will be another post later.

Then we went to a local fair. Now, this fair was sad because it was small and nothing like DP and I remember a fair being like. Oh, and tit was also on the grounds of the old Franklin Mint Museum which is just now all empty and overgrown and sad looking . . .It was a lot of overpriced games with crappy prizes, and just about anything you could want . . .fried. We did partake of fried oroes as we have seen them before and always wondered. They were yummy, but I could do without eating them again. We did that and then took our friend home.

Then we assembled our new grill that we got for our anniversary. Our cute little Weber Q was not working right, and we decided to upgrade to the real Weber Performer:

We put it together last night without killing each other . . .though we got to the last piece and realized the work surface was broken. No problem . . .we called Weber and they are going to ship a new one right away and send Fex Ex to get the old one. How it that for service. I have never used a charcoal grill before, but I am excited to learn. We also got a veggie basket and pizza maker for the grill . . .hehe . . .I am excited. Rebecky is coming over tonight for our first cook out.

Well, that's about all for now. I am off to church now . . .we have our grand opening for our new building today which will be our worship space until the final phase is done . . .but not for a few ears. I am actually thinking about trying to church hop for the summer and see what I can come up with. I love the church I go to now, and the people are amazing, but I want something that I don't have to feel bad about with the whole gay thing . . .and we found a few churches nearby that are welcoming and affirming churches . . .and I think DP will even check them out with me. Can't beat that!

Ok, over and out or now . . .stay tuned for the more about the 'hog war going on!

So much going on

1. Went to my first prom--at work they have a prom for the kids. this one guy who is such a mess-i mean his family is a mess, involved with the local children and youth . .i am working so hard with them to get them in home help--he is a day student--well, dad said they weren't coming because they didn't have transportation . . .i vowed to find a way next year to get him there . . .wouldn't you know about 45 minutes in he shows up with his whole family . . .I just about cried. if i wasn't in a room full of people i think i might have. the resilience of families amazes me sometimes. now, if he misses the evaluation i set up for him on Friday again, i might have to go postal . . .

2. Meeting Miss Daily this week and am very excited . . .

3. Got season passes to local water park by my folks . . .I think my mom is sucking up as she is being very nice and I know this sounds weird, but it feels kinda uncomfortable . . .not sure what to do with that.

4. Therapy is kicking my ass. not much more to say other than the fact that sitting still is harder than i ever could have imagined. the journaling thing has been going well and she is being much more strict with me and not letting me get away with shit. good stuff.

5. work changed out insurance coverage and i am afraid i will not qualify as seriously mentally ill anymore--not that this would be bad, but the amount of visits you get with the therapist if you are normal is not a lot. i used to qualify no problem for SMI but we are worried they might question how SMI i could be and not take any meds . . .

6. will have to decide in a few weeks with my doc if i need to take blood pressure medication which is such a bummer for me. she said that even though i was getting healthier, the fact remains that everyone in my family has high BP and it just may be a genetic thing. frustrating though when you are finally on the right track and losing weight.

7. I am up to 20.8 lbs lost . . .this week i think period is coming and i have been a bottomless pit today, but i am trying to be ok with that. got a fancy schmancy pedometer which keeps me motivated!

8. Everything is in the garden now, though something has scurried away with the tops of three of our tomato plants and two whole pepper plants . . .i am pissed . . .don't mess with me and my garden damn it!

9. KAYAKING tomorrow and I am so damn excited I can hardly stand it!!

How is everyone???

Weekend Stuff

We went to the folks house this weekend to paint my childhood room. The room was purple to go along with my white canopy bed and unicorns! I loved that room . . .except when really bad things were happening. Those unicorns and I went to so many places during those times.

It was indeed bittersweet to finally be able to paint over that room, those memories, and everything else to go along with it. I have finally found a place in my world to forgive my brother . . .and this totally helps to get rid of those remaining memories. We redecorated and it looks like a grown up room now!

I even found it in my heart to be decent-no, nice to my mother. I think we had a good weekend.

All together it was good . . .and I needed it to be good.

Therapy today

There was a bit of a scare the last few weeks with therapy. Mainly my company was switching insurance companies and there was a few days there where I wasn't sure my therapist was going to be covered. I have been seeing her for about 8 years and she and I are finally working on some good stuff. The rest was about keeping me alive and well, still good stuff but not the down and dirty kinda stuff that I needed to get to.

When I thought I was going to lose her-and yes I know that sounds dramatic but that IS a big deal--I started to re-evaluate what we were doing and how things were going along. I realized that we were getting too comfortable in our ways--mostly me avoiding the hard stuff and staying super surfaced. Well, today I decided to journal about it. ** Sidenote-->Oh and also, before I qualified for the SMI benefits--serious mental illness--and now with the new company I likely will not qualify. While I still have the dx's, I don't take any meds and they could say well, how seriously mentally ill can she be while not on any meds. In that case I would only have 20 visits per year. I need to check on this tomorrow at the benefits fair . . .

I had looked through a number of my old journals and I was struck by how much stuff happened my last year of high school and freshman year of college that I just don't recall. Scary to read your own writing and not know where it came from. I was deep in the doo doo of life, and I am just thankful I made it through. But reading it I was aware just how powerful of a tool my journal was for me. I used unlined sketch books so I could draw, write, paste things in, keep notes and cards, etc. I was seeing an art therapist for a while and so I have all those pictures. I saw one today that I thought I might take out and put in a frame. It was of a safe place--which of course for me was a big comfy chair, a book case, a carpet, and a bookcase. It looked divine! I can see why I would have chosen that as my safe space.

So I started writing about how it felt to read those two journals--of 10 . . .and then I wrote out some things that I wanted to work on with shrinky dink. I was scared as I read it to her, as I didn't want her to feel offended--and then we quickly assessed that we needed to work on the intense judgement and criticism going on in my head AT.ALL.TIMES. All in all it was a good session and we decided that I would bring my journal each week and at the end of the session we'd come up with something for the following week along the theme.

I am feeling better, therapy was good, my tummy is full, and tomorrow is my weigh in day. I saw a number this morning I don't recall seeing in a VERY long time. I hope it is still there tomorrow for the official weigh in day. I feel really motivated and not so hungry all the time.

Thanks for coming along with me. I so enjoy the fact that I have blogger friends who are interested in my world. Hope all is well in your corners!


Oh, another question for you social work types--any information or resources on therapists being in therapy--thoughts about it? I have often wondered how this affect my ability to fully engage . .