Vacation

I am on vacation in a few days and it cannot come soon enough. This summer has been hellacious with work and the extra work we took on. It was clearly a lot to do and we are feeling the stress of not having any free time to really be with each other and not worry so much about not having any free time. We have managed to make use of our season tickets to the waterpark, but even that has been a lot with driving up there and having to then see my folks. . . usually all in one day becasue the nexty day we are working.

Things have been generally ok. I have been feeling very tired in the afternoons lately, and this has lead to checking in with the sleep study folks to see what might be happening with my sleep. I went for the first test and they said that even though the apneas were WAY better than last time five years ago, there's still enough present to make them want me to have a mask. He says if I keep losing weight it is likely that I won’t need it at all soon. I go back in a few weeks to have the second study done. I think the doc will also check me for Lymes as we have had many folks at work get it, and Addie was recently diagnosed with it as well.

I also had to start taking blood pressure medication. Now, I have had issues with medications since before when I was on too many psychotropics to keep track of. When I was finally able to come off of all meds a few years ago I sort of went the other way in that I don't want to take ANYTHING!!! But alas my BP had been a little high--like 130's/90's . . .for a while and she thought that since everyone else in my fam had high BP that it just might be a genetic thing. I canceled a few appts with her because I didn't want to discuss the issue. Then my bro who went on them a few years ago lost 40lbs and he has been able to come off of all of them. I am now taking a small dose of something or other and it seems to have given me an acceptable blood pressure for now. Cholesterol is excellent, so I guess that is good.

I am hanging in there with the weight loss. It has been so slow and up and down a few lbs on any given week. I am hoping the two weeks with DP's folks will help stabilize things as we generally eat very well there and walk a lot. I haven't gained and feel good that at least I am maintaining. I need to kick up the working out, but see paragraph one about not having time for anything and being very tired in the afternoons. I would like to try and see if I can find a place that I can do water aerobics. I think that would be great fun!

The pups are good, though Riley had a fight with his BFF Buergi this past week and since then they have been unable to be together. It is time for the big snip, and he will have that done while we are in Wisconsin. Folks have said we should be glad that they got along so well this long as they are both intact males-->NOT FOR LONG! Addie is as precious as ever and we have finally found the trick to her bowels and that means she can be on the same food as her brother and she is doing great. She has so much energy in the morning and we are convinced she has some boxer in her casue when she gets excited her puppy paws go flying!!! It is very cute--except when you are taking her up to the kennel with a full bucket of water and she runs into you--this has happened a few times and it has made for a less than happy mama!

Work has been ok. New exciting prospects on the horizon, which I won't get into until I hear something for sure. Let's just say that it would be a big deal and would require me to wear more fancy pants clothing on a regular basis . . . Doing a lot of respite care . . .glad I can be helpful to families and the kids.

Family stuff has been interesting. We have been having a lot of discussions, heated debates, and tears over future planning for my brother. The good thing is that we seem to be on the right road as far as some things my folks needed to see. Like being more accurate on his yearly plan about what he could and couldn't do. Little things like that are going far to have my folks trust me a bit more. We have also planned a trip to TX to see other bro in October and will be there for his birthday. We are all very excited and this will be DP's first trip to see the place in TX. Little Tyke starts kindergarten next week . .where does the time go. I can still remember leaving my job the day we got the call that we was being born and now he's trotting off to school and my bro is on the PTA!!!!! WHAT???

OK, well, I should get back to work. Hope this keeps you guys hanging in there with me. I am sure I will have lot of adventures to share from vacation and the time to share them! I even bought a few books yesterday to take with me!!!

Hope all is well in your corners! See you soon!!!

Therapy today

There was a bit of a scare the last few weeks with therapy. Mainly my company was switching insurance companies and there was a few days there where I wasn't sure my therapist was going to be covered. I have been seeing her for about 8 years and she and I are finally working on some good stuff. The rest was about keeping me alive and well, still good stuff but not the down and dirty kinda stuff that I needed to get to.

When I thought I was going to lose her-and yes I know that sounds dramatic but that IS a big deal--I started to re-evaluate what we were doing and how things were going along. I realized that we were getting too comfortable in our ways--mostly me avoiding the hard stuff and staying super surfaced. Well, today I decided to journal about it. ** Sidenote-->Oh and also, before I qualified for the SMI benefits--serious mental illness--and now with the new company I likely will not qualify. While I still have the dx's, I don't take any meds and they could say well, how seriously mentally ill can she be while not on any meds. In that case I would only have 20 visits per year. I need to check on this tomorrow at the benefits fair . . .

I had looked through a number of my old journals and I was struck by how much stuff happened my last year of high school and freshman year of college that I just don't recall. Scary to read your own writing and not know where it came from. I was deep in the doo doo of life, and I am just thankful I made it through. But reading it I was aware just how powerful of a tool my journal was for me. I used unlined sketch books so I could draw, write, paste things in, keep notes and cards, etc. I was seeing an art therapist for a while and so I have all those pictures. I saw one today that I thought I might take out and put in a frame. It was of a safe place--which of course for me was a big comfy chair, a book case, a carpet, and a bookcase. It looked divine! I can see why I would have chosen that as my safe space.

So I started writing about how it felt to read those two journals--of 10 . . .and then I wrote out some things that I wanted to work on with shrinky dink. I was scared as I read it to her, as I didn't want her to feel offended--and then we quickly assessed that we needed to work on the intense judgement and criticism going on in my head AT.ALL.TIMES. All in all it was a good session and we decided that I would bring my journal each week and at the end of the session we'd come up with something for the following week along the theme.

I am feeling better, therapy was good, my tummy is full, and tomorrow is my weigh in day. I saw a number this morning I don't recall seeing in a VERY long time. I hope it is still there tomorrow for the official weigh in day. I feel really motivated and not so hungry all the time.

Thanks for coming along with me. I so enjoy the fact that I have blogger friends who are interested in my world. Hope all is well in your corners!


Oh, another question for you social work types--any information or resources on therapists being in therapy--thoughts about it? I have often wondered how this affect my ability to fully engage . .

What's in a number

I have been thinking a lot about food. In fact it seems I think about food a lot. The more I try not to think about food the more I think about food. I am sooo tired of it. I am tired and weary of the fight with the number . . .how it can single handedly change the way I can feel at any given moment.

Truth be told, I am feeling better about food lately since WW, but I still feel like it has way too much control over me. I had a few bouts of purging, but then I was able to stop it. Then there was the weight gain over Easter that was hard to take since I was trying to be very good about the food. My mother and father also made a comment to me at Easter about my food which I had a difficult time with--they mentioned that I hadn't stopped eating since I got there---which I know wasn't true, but they said it and I went off. Then they acted surprised when I reacted that way-and I reminded them that teasing me about food isn't a good idea. Should I have to remind them of this after almost 20 years of being eating disordered . . .this is not a new thing.

I feel easily triggered the last month or so. There's a girl at work who I know has an eating disorder, and we have had to work together more and I watch her and what she does and sometimes I feel jealous that she is so good at it, and I can't be anymore. I don't want to identify as that anymore, but sometimes it is hard to take. Then I have changed my therapy day and my therapists specializes in EDO and the girl who goes before me is clearly anorexic and I couldn't help thinking about it when she came out. I don't know if I need to say anything more to my therapist, as it seems dumb.

I just often think about a day where I look in the mirror and I feel good about myself--no matter what number should appear that day. I feel like I am starting to rely more on how I feel and hunger signs--which is relatively new, but they are weird too. Imagine that--listening to your body and not feeling like it is a big fat trader . . .

Oh, and by the way, I am finally nearing a number on the scale that I haven't seen in a very long time--in fact next week I will probably see it which is why I suspect I am having feelings around this now. I think I am worried that I might not find the elusive happiness that I have always said would come with being smaller. What if it has all been a lie and that I could be happy RIGHT.NOW. In fact, I have a friend who lost over 150lbs and I saw her and we chatted for quite a bit and I said to her "You MUST feel better now-healthier . . .?" and her response . . ."not really". What if I get there and I still feel all this crap??!!??

Not sure where I am going, or what I need. Just some random thoughts from the couch--where I have been most of the day--sick, and wanting the rain to go away.

My update . . .

Ok, so I haven't officially fallen off the blogesphere, but I sure was close. Thanks to Lyn and Daisy for bringing me back to my senses. So, you may be asking yourself what on EARTH has that girl been up to . . .well, I am about to tell you, so hang on tight!

For starters I started my new job in January, and it is great. I mean, I finally feel like I love what I do, I am making a difference, and it is the right balance of having time to do my work, and to see co-workers, families, and kids. There's a group of us that has lunch together most days and it is nice to laugh and to know there are other folks out there doing similar things and experiencing similar struggles. This also means, of course, that I am actually GOING to work each day, and that took some adjusting, and still is a lot. I don't expect any sympathy, I am just sayin . . .also at work, we have had two kids die in the last month or so, and that has been extremely difficult.

Chronic pain . . .never thought if it really, until I realized that on any given day I was in enough pain to put me at a 6-7 on a scale of 1-10. It has taken a lot to work through the pain in my heel, and just in the last few weeks my other heel has decided that it wanted to hurt as well. Just walking to the other side of the room has been excruciating. I had to switch insurance companies when I changed jobs, and now the insurance I have doesn't allow me to see the guy I was seeing for a while without paying a LOT of money. I went to my family doc to get a referral for another foot guy, and she also gave me an anti inflammatory and a pain pill. I took the pain pill the first couple of nights last week, and it was enough to zonk me out, but not sleep at night so I had a few somewhat sleepless nights. However, the anti-inflammatory on the other hand has been amazing. So much so that there have been some parts of the day that I have little to no pain what-so-ever. I will still make an appointment to see the orthopedist, but I am glad to have some pain free time. Doc told me she was shocked at how flat my feet are and wonder if that doesn't have a significant impact on how I feel and my feet.

Speaking of how I feel, DP and I have been doing weight watchers, and I am down about 11.5 lbs in three weeks. The progress has been slow, but steady and I feel like we are on a much more manageable plan. In the past I have done extreme things and they lasted for a while, or I became totally obsessed. Right now there's a balance between eating well, and having some yummy stuff once in a while. We have been experimenting with different grocery stores in the area, including Trader Joes, Whole Foods, and other generic stores. We've always gone to the others at times, but we have been rotating and it is keeping things interesting.

Well, there's more, but I need to eat . . .stay tuned for some more tomorrow.

Hope all if well in your corners.

Things for the New Year

For the New Year, we have decided to work on the following:

1. Eating better . . .This means eating more food that we prepare from in season food, food that we can get locally, organic vegetables (we would want more organic, but we can't afford it all). We will only eat out once a week as well. We will try and make meals that we can freeze for future days. (This means buying a small freezer for the basement) DP will work on learning to can for the summer when we have veggies. I have also made a commitment to not be so rigid about my food and counting calories and such. With my new birthmas present, i have downloaded an application called Lose it. Here i can record my food daily from a searcheable database. I can even add foods that aren't listed, and it keeps them for me to refer to later. Also tracks nutrients that I select such as carbs and fiber, and weight chart. You can add exercise and with all the info you put in it tells you what you should be eating calorie wise given what you want to lose.

2. Money . . .we want to work on our debt. We have so much debt . . .heard a sermon today at church about working as hard as you can to eliminate debt. They also talked about what it would be like if this financial crisis is only the beginning and it gets worse-a lot worse? I just don't want to have all this hanging on me. While I type this, I also know that we will need to replace my car in the next six months, and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight for this. But alas we will try and work on it diligently.

3. Exercise . . .we decided to each be responsible for a pup a day and being sure they get walked. Also, once i start the new job they have a gym there and i am secretly excited about prospects of working out again. i am definitely a gym kind of person, so this will be good. i need to get myself into some kind of better shape physically. given that i am already dealing with bone and body issues, it makes sense that i work on this--though it hurts to work on it.

4. Flexibility . . .DP keeps reminding me that I need to be flexible, and I have been able to ask for more support about challenging my thoughts about rigidity. She is doing all of this with me, and i can't tell you how much that means to me. everything you read says that outcomes are much better when you have support, and even more so when that support is the closest person to you. together we have a better chance at succeeding.

I just want to feel better about myself. I am really working on myself and am doing so well, and these things can only move me forward. I need to find the balance between healthy and obsessive . . This is hard for me as I get obsessive very quickly.

Wish us luck! It has been a few days, and we are doing well. I even tried raw cauliflower today and liked it. People, this is HUGE! I am excited!

Randomness from a personal day

I took a personal day today. The weather should be 78 degrees, and why the hell not, right??

Here I sit, waiting for the pest control people to come look at the mammoth sized bees we have in our wooden front porch--we suspect carpenter bees, and also to look at the critters that are creating neat little holes ALL OVER OUR FREAKING LAWN!!! I suspect they will tell me that it will cost us about a million dollars to rid us of our pests. Great.

I am also adjusting to the application of new bra. I realized that now that I have lost weight, and can wear some supercute things--like the dress I just bought yesterday at Target for an upcoming event . . .--well, lets just say the girls are not standing up to their full potential. Now, I am no small chested thing, and I might have, should have probably been wearing an underwire type contraption for a long time now, but they were never comfortable. Well, I have delved into another kind of underwire and am giving it a try. The girls are still lifted and separated after 10 minutes of use. I will keep you posted.

Onto other news. DP and I turned up the garden area this past weekend. Who the freaking hell knew it would be so hard to dig up grass and stuff. Well, it was and by the end of the weekend we were sorry, sore fools. My little friend and her family came over to visit and meet Addie, and little did they know they would be put to work!!

We are very excited about the prospects of sugar snap peas, cucumbers, green beans, peppers and tomatoes. We'd like to do some other things, but this is a good start for this year. The plot is about 6 feet by 16 feet--good sized. Very full of clay, but we put some peet moss and soil down. We are also composting, so hopefully once that ripens we can spread that as well. We know the peas should have been planted like a week ago, but hopefully we'll have them in by this weekend. I am really excited . . .last years tomatoes were the first thing that I ever really grew myself, so it is fun.

After all that, I went into full OCD mode with pulling weeds. I am not sure if this is a good condition to have when pulling weeds or not. I finally had to stop Sunday when I couldn't move my fingers anymore. Things are shaping up, though.

Um, I guess that's it for now. Addie goes back to the vet today for a check up, and I need to go get an eye exam and new glasses. The girls are still standing proud and tall . . .and so am I, cause when I slouch I get a rib full of wire.

Wish me luck!


**Update**
The girls stood the test of time and they were so relieved to be released from their bondage tonight. DP says she can definitely tell I have lost weight when they are where they are supposed to be. Tomorrow we will go buy some more torture devices.

Addie got a good bill of health today at the vet, and the visit cost less that $100. I was so relieved about that since this shelter dog is costing us a small fortune-->but we love her soooooo very much. We will have her hips x-rayed soon and deal with that means.

10 minutes with god . . and the bike

Ok, update. Our women's small group has been trying to keep each other accountable to reading the bible daily and praying. Last week I did this about 4 days.

I have also wanted to get into more of a routine with exercising. We have decided to give up our gym membership in preparation for having a puppy that we will need to walk-and the nicer weather-, and we'd become lax in using the facilities we were paying for . . .some of us more than others, but none the less I came up with the brilliant idea of not paying for the gym and getting an elliptical since that is what we mostly use at the gym anyways, and we already have a recumbent bike and some weights. We also live really close to a really quiet cemetery with big hills.

So, I had the idea this week to try and do at least 10 minutes each morning on the bike, and in that time I can pray and read the bible . . of course while riding and lifting my weights. Talk about multitasking. I did walk in the cemetery the other day when it was BEAUTIFUL out, but it has been inside for me the last few days. I think I feel more awake and alert, and this morning I hadn't even realized I exceeded my 10 minutes. Tomorrow I work from home and meet a special friend for coffee, but I will try and walk in the AM if nice out.

I know 10 minutes isn't a lot, but I figured I could work myself into a routine and then add time later. Now I am spending more time in the basement, which will be perfect for me when I finally start making use of the beanie space.

I did look at carpet remnants to put down, but I haven't found anything I like, and I have NO money. This getting smaller thing and needing new clothing is not working for me. I was going down the driveway the other day to collect the trash bin and I nearly lost my pants-and we live on a major road . . .this would NOT have been pretty for anyone involved. I am finally back to losing, so that is good. I am up to 16lbs.

Oh well. In other news, I feel completely conflicted about my voting choices, but that is a whole other post.

Oh, and guess who is going to see James Taylor AGAIN after she sees him for the first time, and this time in like the 2nd row??? Give up??? ME, and DP, and RHB. This is going to be one crazy summer!!! I think I might need a diaper . . .

Crap, Crap, and more Crap

I am in a funk. Yes, it is true. I feel like I am going down for the count and I am trying my damnedest to keep above water.

It all started when I found out my brother and his family will most likely be moving to TX. Now, I have nothing against TX, except that it is REALLY far away. I didn't think this would affect me so much, but it has. Mostly I am angry that he can move away . . .I have so many family issues . . .But yes, I have always felt like it is my job to stay nearby so that I can swoop in and save the day when needed. Clearly this has been really effective in the past (note the sarcasm). I think I am also just recently having a better relationship with him, and don't want him to be so far away. What happens when mom or dad gets sick, or something else happens . . now I will be the only one nearby-read this as I will be the one to have to deal with stuff now.

My shrinky-dink drew me a diagram of the abuse cycle of needing to be the rescuer and how one can perpetuate the cycle by putting others in the role of being rescued, thus keeping them in the victim role, blah blah blah. Then we talked about why I feel the need to rescue my family from their issues . . .I am feeling so confused and stressed about this family stuff. How can I feel so conflicted about all of this-ask me a year ago about my brother moving and I wouldn't give a rat's ass. I hated him and what he did to me . . .I did a lot of work to forgive and move on, and now he is leaving. Why do I care so much about pleasing my mother-the one that beat the crap out of me for years . . .and doesn't even admit to it. I guess in some ways I am waiting for the one thing that will prove to her that I am good enough, and I am lovable . . .I don't know. The one thing that will redeem my family and erase all the crappy things that have happened-thus leaving me with a fabulous family life!!

I am also realizing that as much as I have had a happy-go-lucky attitude about having a sibling with a disability . . .I am finding I have some strong feelings about this that I haven't much dealt with because I have been the model sibling who has unconditional love for her sibling and just LOVES to help out and give of herself all the time. (run on sentence and I don't care)

I am finding that I am just angry . . .I don't do anger. I haven't ever really done anger without self-injury . . .

Then, I found out some disturbing news about my old employer-who has basically blacklisted me from working as a mobile therapist in the county . . .it is a long story, but suffice it to say this woman is corrupt and has done some pretty shallow, rude, and VERY unprofessional things. She runs a multi-million dollar program and no one will touch her and her behavior as a result. But this is going over the line . . .So I am trying to get to the bottom of this, and in the meantime feeling like I am not measuring up.

I have a particularly difficult client/family a work that is driving me bonkers, and I think I need to back off. I have the need to be there at all times to help people, and I think I am realizing this one family needs more than me . ..they need the Department of Human Services . . .they are in crisis and I can't do it anymore.

Well, aren't I a bucket of fun tonight. Shall I throw in a few positives?

On the weight loss front, we did not weigh in last week due to not being home on Tuesday, so we weighed in today and I was down 3.3 lbs for a grand total of 15.3 lbs. This is shocking to me, as I had a particularly bad food week . . .I ate pizza, nachos, a cookie, ice cream, all not low carb. I feel good about the weight loss. I even bought 4 new pairs of pants on clearance at Talbot's.

Um, it's cold here. Supposed to be snowing, but of course it is not. We will never see snow again I feel. It is rainy and freaking cold, but no snow.

I think I should call this a post and spare you the rest . . .

Quick check-in

This past week was very, very busy. I had a bunch of home visits, meetings, and extra curricular activities. Here's a few of the highlights:

1. Weekly weigh in- Lost another 2.1 lbs for a grand total of 12.1 lbs so far. I had a very NOT low carb day yesterday and tonight we are having pizza-you know, in honor of the superbowl.

2. I saw Avenue Q yesterday at the Forrest Theater in Philadelphia and it was fabulous. We saw it on Broadway a few years back and this was just as great!

3. Last night I saw Livingston Taylor . . .it was the neatest venue and a really great concert. Thanks RHB for inviting me!!

3a. I co-facilitate a sibling group for kids who have special needs siblings and this week I planned and ran the group. It went really, really well and I felt good about what I had done and how the kids responded.

4. This week we have a crazy busy week. I have a few trainings at work, and lots of new referrals. We are also doing respite care for our friend M. for the next three days. Should be a quick week . ..

5. Finally took down the Christmas decorations today . . .tree is still up, but that is our halftime project.

OK, I gotta run since the game is starting in 17 minutes!! Hope all is well in your corners!

Weigh in

I know I am a few days late, but I lost another .2 lbs this week for a grand total of 10.1 lbs. I wish it had been more, but I am fine with slow and steady.

We did have a yummy dinner tonight of Whole wheat pasta, pesto, and chicken. It was yummy. Wished we had some pine nuts, but we didn't.

I hope the added carbs don't mess me up too much. I figure at least they are better carbs.

Until next week . . .

Weight loss Check in

OK, so we had our weigh in today and I am down another 3.8 lbs for a two week grand total of 9.9 lbs. I feel really good about what I am doing. Even though this past weekend I engaged in some forbidden food eating at our party-namely a two pieces of crusty whole wheat bread, a 1/2 cookie, and a small piece of cheese pie.

I started back at the gym today, and boy and I feeling sore. I did about 45 minutes of cardio and worked my upper body.

So I don't know if anyone out there watches the Biggest Loser, but I am a fan-though I think their typical weekly weight losses are CRAZY . . .aside from that, I watch Jillian and I think about all the wonderful ways she could kick my booty into gear. I watch Bob and Kim and I think, nope, I would need Jillian yelling at me all the way. I give lots of credit to the folks on the biggest loser, as I think I would positively DIE if I were on there-even before I started working out, cause I'd have to get weighed in a sports bra . . .and that my friends, would NOT be pretty!