Things have been very challenging for me to say the least over the last few weeks. The amount of time and energy I have been putting into my folks has been great . . .and very frustrating to say the least. The flood and then my father having to go to the hospital has been too much. I don't know what to do anymore to help them and I feel like I am waiting around for something horrible to happen to them, and at times I almost wish that would come sooner than later as I don't know how much longer I can handle the worrying. As a wise, wise social worker friend told me this week (thanks Friend!) you can't case manage your own family . . . I am so angry at them on so many levels that it feels at times like I will explode.
This week I did. It got to be too much and resorted to cutting again . . .something I haven't done in 6 years. I left therapy the other day and I was seething. Just so angry and I have never really been good at anger. When people in my life got angry, other people got hurt. So I decided long ago that getting angry at other people and letting them know it was not something I would do. I turned it all inward and at 12 began to cut. For me it was a way to feel . . when I was numb and needed the blood to remind me that I was still alive. A way to connect to myself and release some of that pressure that was building up inside. I don't expect others to understand this . . .I know it is not something most people can or want to understand. I used to hurt myself pretty badly and at times needed stitches, yet it wasn't about trying to end my life. I never remember feeling the pain of it all that I did to myself.
This was not true this week. I am not glad that I did it, but I am glad that not only did it hurt like hell, but it also gave me no relief what so ever. In fact for years I have been saying that if I ever went back to that I would be lost . . .I felt out of control during and afterwards as I wasn't sure how I could let myself get to that point again. I almost didn't do it as I knew my DP sees all of me and would know. As I drove around more I devised a story and decided I would do it in a place that I could say I fell or something. I didn't want to lie, but I was too far gone at that point in my head. Like a druggie looking to score I was blinded by the promise that my pain would soon end and I would be in control of my thoughts and feelings again. Little did I know that wasn't in the cards.
I came home and told DP and called shrinky dink. It was a rough day the next day and I am still off kilter. I need to find a way for anger to be appropriately expressed and know that I will not do to others what had been done to me in anger. In talking to DP she noted that in 7.5 years together she has never seen me angry. This, friends, is not ok. I need to be able to let this stuff go, and I also need the experience of being angry with others and not have them hurt me or leave. Shrinky dink say we will work harder on this, and that she will help.
In other news. . .This weekend I watched some kids yesterday and today went to church and did some yard work. We didn't go up to see the folks and it was best that way. Dad seems to be holding his own, and they have diagnosed him with gout. I guess he is in the clear of surgery right now and will be seeing a new doc tomorrow which will be good. This weekend I am in Atlantic City Thu-Saturday for a conference and then next weekend we will go up to see the folks on Sunday. The next weekend we go to TX to visit my brother and little tyke. I am excited about this trip.
In the meantime I am trying to be gentle with myself and not allow this to be the start of a downhill spiral. There's no need for that and I am on a hourly reminder system of that right now.
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Therapy today
There was a bit of a scare the last few weeks with therapy. Mainly my company was switching insurance companies and there was a few days there where I wasn't sure my therapist was going to be covered. I have been seeing her for about 8 years and she and I are finally working on some good stuff. The rest was about keeping me alive and well, still good stuff but not the down and dirty kinda stuff that I needed to get to.
When I thought I was going to lose her-and yes I know that sounds dramatic but that IS a big deal--I started to re-evaluate what we were doing and how things were going along. I realized that we were getting too comfortable in our ways--mostly me avoiding the hard stuff and staying super surfaced. Well, today I decided to journal about it. ** Sidenote-->Oh and also, before I qualified for the SMI benefits--serious mental illness--and now with the new company I likely will not qualify. While I still have the dx's, I don't take any meds and they could say well, how seriously mentally ill can she be while not on any meds. In that case I would only have 20 visits per year. I need to check on this tomorrow at the benefits fair . . .
I had looked through a number of my old journals and I was struck by how much stuff happened my last year of high school and freshman year of college that I just don't recall. Scary to read your own writing and not know where it came from. I was deep in the doo doo of life, and I am just thankful I made it through. But reading it I was aware just how powerful of a tool my journal was for me. I used unlined sketch books so I could draw, write, paste things in, keep notes and cards, etc. I was seeing an art therapist for a while and so I have all those pictures. I saw one today that I thought I might take out and put in a frame. It was of a safe place--which of course for me was a big comfy chair, a book case, a carpet, and a bookcase. It looked divine! I can see why I would have chosen that as my safe space.
So I started writing about how it felt to read those two journals--of 10 . . .and then I wrote out some things that I wanted to work on with shrinky dink. I was scared as I read it to her, as I didn't want her to feel offended--and then we quickly assessed that we needed to work on the intense judgement and criticism going on in my head AT.ALL.TIMES. All in all it was a good session and we decided that I would bring my journal each week and at the end of the session we'd come up with something for the following week along the theme.
I am feeling better, therapy was good, my tummy is full, and tomorrow is my weigh in day. I saw a number this morning I don't recall seeing in a VERY long time. I hope it is still there tomorrow for the official weigh in day. I feel really motivated and not so hungry all the time.
Thanks for coming along with me. I so enjoy the fact that I have blogger friends who are interested in my world. Hope all is well in your corners!
Oh, another question for you social work types--any information or resources on therapists being in therapy--thoughts about it? I have often wondered how this affect my ability to fully engage . .
When I thought I was going to lose her-and yes I know that sounds dramatic but that IS a big deal--I started to re-evaluate what we were doing and how things were going along. I realized that we were getting too comfortable in our ways--mostly me avoiding the hard stuff and staying super surfaced. Well, today I decided to journal about it. ** Sidenote-->Oh and also, before I qualified for the SMI benefits--serious mental illness--and now with the new company I likely will not qualify. While I still have the dx's, I don't take any meds and they could say well, how seriously mentally ill can she be while not on any meds. In that case I would only have 20 visits per year. I need to check on this tomorrow at the benefits fair . . .
I had looked through a number of my old journals and I was struck by how much stuff happened my last year of high school and freshman year of college that I just don't recall. Scary to read your own writing and not know where it came from. I was deep in the doo doo of life, and I am just thankful I made it through. But reading it I was aware just how powerful of a tool my journal was for me. I used unlined sketch books so I could draw, write, paste things in, keep notes and cards, etc. I was seeing an art therapist for a while and so I have all those pictures. I saw one today that I thought I might take out and put in a frame. It was of a safe place--which of course for me was a big comfy chair, a book case, a carpet, and a bookcase. It looked divine! I can see why I would have chosen that as my safe space.
So I started writing about how it felt to read those two journals--of 10 . . .and then I wrote out some things that I wanted to work on with shrinky dink. I was scared as I read it to her, as I didn't want her to feel offended--and then we quickly assessed that we needed to work on the intense judgement and criticism going on in my head AT.ALL.TIMES. All in all it was a good session and we decided that I would bring my journal each week and at the end of the session we'd come up with something for the following week along the theme.
I am feeling better, therapy was good, my tummy is full, and tomorrow is my weigh in day. I saw a number this morning I don't recall seeing in a VERY long time. I hope it is still there tomorrow for the official weigh in day. I feel really motivated and not so hungry all the time.
Thanks for coming along with me. I so enjoy the fact that I have blogger friends who are interested in my world. Hope all is well in your corners!
Oh, another question for you social work types--any information or resources on therapists being in therapy--thoughts about it? I have often wondered how this affect my ability to fully engage . .
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Therapy
I am on a blog roll today. I had actually wrote a few up last week and then forgot to post them. Silly beans.
I wanted to talk a little bit about what has been happening with therapy. Things have been very intense, but not in a way that I'd experienced them in the past. I really feel like shrinky-dink and I are making important headway on some big issues. As a result, last week, this week, and maybe the next few weeks I will go twice a week. This has been good, but I am mentally exhausted.
Some of the things that we have been tackling is the idea around forgiving myself for things that I have done, and recognizing what role, if any, I had in the things that have happened in my past. For the first time I am being truly candid about how I feel about things, and this has enriched the work that we are doing in major ways. Typically I spend so much energy filtering what I am saying for fear of being judged. Right now the thoughts, the words, the feelings, the experiences are flowing and we are going with it.
It is nice to work intensely and not have it necessarily be because I am in crisis. I am so thankful everyday for the medical coverage I have that allows me to see this wonderful woman, and to know that we are doing good work.
I will be starting to attend a group next week for women who have PCOS and eating issues. I will be very interested to see how that works for me. It is run by a nutritionist that I used to see, and another psychologist. The reason I am excited about this group, is many of the groups for PCOS have been centered around fertility issues, which is not necessarily my beef with the disorder. I just want to deal the weight issues associated with it, and learn how to manage the food/feeling connection a little better. I am very bitter about the fact that every time I put a carb in my mouth, I might as well tack a few pounds onto some part of my body. Clearly I still have some issues to iron out here.
Caroline over in her blog wrote so eloquently about some things that mirror the struggles I have. Check it out. I struggle a lot still to really be able to see what others see in me. For instance, I received a glowing recommendation letter last week from the head of the child development department at a local hospital (she and I work together). Well, I am reading this letter and I am like who in the heck is she talking about . . .clearly not me. To quote Caroline in her blog . . . "If you were to look at my insides I am sure they would be all black and blue from all the horrible things I say and do to myself." I wish I could see what others see. I am not sure where the blockage it, but it is imperative that I get to the root of it, cause it is killing me inside.
I wanted to talk a little bit about what has been happening with therapy. Things have been very intense, but not in a way that I'd experienced them in the past. I really feel like shrinky-dink and I are making important headway on some big issues. As a result, last week, this week, and maybe the next few weeks I will go twice a week. This has been good, but I am mentally exhausted.
Some of the things that we have been tackling is the idea around forgiving myself for things that I have done, and recognizing what role, if any, I had in the things that have happened in my past. For the first time I am being truly candid about how I feel about things, and this has enriched the work that we are doing in major ways. Typically I spend so much energy filtering what I am saying for fear of being judged. Right now the thoughts, the words, the feelings, the experiences are flowing and we are going with it.
It is nice to work intensely and not have it necessarily be because I am in crisis. I am so thankful everyday for the medical coverage I have that allows me to see this wonderful woman, and to know that we are doing good work.
I will be starting to attend a group next week for women who have PCOS and eating issues. I will be very interested to see how that works for me. It is run by a nutritionist that I used to see, and another psychologist. The reason I am excited about this group, is many of the groups for PCOS have been centered around fertility issues, which is not necessarily my beef with the disorder. I just want to deal the weight issues associated with it, and learn how to manage the food/feeling connection a little better. I am very bitter about the fact that every time I put a carb in my mouth, I might as well tack a few pounds onto some part of my body. Clearly I still have some issues to iron out here.
Caroline over in her blog wrote so eloquently about some things that mirror the struggles I have. Check it out. I struggle a lot still to really be able to see what others see in me. For instance, I received a glowing recommendation letter last week from the head of the child development department at a local hospital (she and I work together). Well, I am reading this letter and I am like who in the heck is she talking about . . .clearly not me. To quote Caroline in her blog . . . "If you were to look at my insides I am sure they would be all black and blue from all the horrible things I say and do to myself." I wish I could see what others see. I am not sure where the blockage it, but it is imperative that I get to the root of it, cause it is killing me inside.
Monday, May 05, 2008
How do you move on . . .
I was at therapy today and we were discussing how you change your thought patterns when you are so stuck in them.
Case in point--I have been losing weight, I have talked about that here before. (though right now I seem to be not doing as well as I'd like . . .) I have recently bought some new shirts that I think are pretty different from what I am used to (used to boring solid colors, and new shirts are vibrant and bold!). So this morning I put one on, and I looked in the mirror and thought "Oh Beans, you look cute." But then I stood there about 20 seconds too long. Instead of just looking cute and going about my business, I started to see the unmentionables . . .the rolley polley arms, the scars, the chub . . .in a matter of a few seconds I lost it. I changed into something else. A too big shirt and a pair of jeans.
I am finding myself in this in between place a lot. Where I want to hold onto the joy and the freedom of knowing I am moving on, and being stuck in what I know and what feels safe. She thought that perhaps instead of saying I feel safe in those places, that I say that those places are what I know and what makes me feel comfortable. I can feel safe in other things . . not the yucky feelings.
A while ago at a church function, I listened to a woman talk about how to be more kind and forgiving of others. She said that when people cut her off in traffic, instead of getting mad she prays for them and hopes that they get to wherever they are going safely. I told the shrinky dink today about this, and she thought I should try and apply the same principle to myself when I am feeling down and judgmental about myself. Perhaps remind myself of how far I have come, and that I did the best I could with what I had.
There you have it . . .this week I will try and challenge my thoughts and be a bit more gentle with myself. I want it . . I want it bad . . to be out of the stuck place and into the place of freedom and joy for what I have now. I know I can do it. It will be hard, but I am stronger than I think sometimes.
Case in point--I have been losing weight, I have talked about that here before. (though right now I seem to be not doing as well as I'd like . . .) I have recently bought some new shirts that I think are pretty different from what I am used to (used to boring solid colors, and new shirts are vibrant and bold!). So this morning I put one on, and I looked in the mirror and thought "Oh Beans, you look cute." But then I stood there about 20 seconds too long. Instead of just looking cute and going about my business, I started to see the unmentionables . . .the rolley polley arms, the scars, the chub . . .in a matter of a few seconds I lost it. I changed into something else. A too big shirt and a pair of jeans.
I am finding myself in this in between place a lot. Where I want to hold onto the joy and the freedom of knowing I am moving on, and being stuck in what I know and what feels safe. She thought that perhaps instead of saying I feel safe in those places, that I say that those places are what I know and what makes me feel comfortable. I can feel safe in other things . . not the yucky feelings.
A while ago at a church function, I listened to a woman talk about how to be more kind and forgiving of others. She said that when people cut her off in traffic, instead of getting mad she prays for them and hopes that they get to wherever they are going safely. I told the shrinky dink today about this, and she thought I should try and apply the same principle to myself when I am feeling down and judgmental about myself. Perhaps remind myself of how far I have come, and that I did the best I could with what I had.
There you have it . . .this week I will try and challenge my thoughts and be a bit more gentle with myself. I want it . . I want it bad . . to be out of the stuck place and into the place of freedom and joy for what I have now. I know I can do it. It will be hard, but I am stronger than I think sometimes.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Crap, Crap, and more Crap
I am in a funk. Yes, it is true. I feel like I am going down for the count and I am trying my damnedest to keep above water.
It all started when I found out my brother and his family will most likely be moving to TX. Now, I have nothing against TX, except that it is REALLY far away. I didn't think this would affect me so much, but it has. Mostly I am angry that he can move away . . .I have so many family issues . . .But yes, I have always felt like it is my job to stay nearby so that I can swoop in and save the day when needed. Clearly this has been really effective in the past (note the sarcasm). I think I am also just recently having a better relationship with him, and don't want him to be so far away. What happens when mom or dad gets sick, or something else happens . . now I will be the only one nearby-read this as I will be the one to have to deal with stuff now.
My shrinky-dink drew me a diagram of the abuse cycle of needing to be the rescuer and how one can perpetuate the cycle by putting others in the role of being rescued, thus keeping them in the victim role, blah blah blah. Then we talked about why I feel the need to rescue my family from their issues . . .I am feeling so confused and stressed about this family stuff. How can I feel so conflicted about all of this-ask me a year ago about my brother moving and I wouldn't give a rat's ass. I hated him and what he did to me . . .I did a lot of work to forgive and move on, and now he is leaving. Why do I care so much about pleasing my mother-the one that beat the crap out of me for years . . .and doesn't even admit to it. I guess in some ways I am waiting for the one thing that will prove to her that I am good enough, and I am lovable . . .I don't know. The one thing that will redeem my family and erase all the crappy things that have happened-thus leaving me with a fabulous family life!!
I am also realizing that as much as I have had a happy-go-lucky attitude about having a sibling with a disability . . .I am finding I have some strong feelings about this that I haven't much dealt with because I have been the model sibling who has unconditional love for her sibling and just LOVES to help out and give of herself all the time. (run on sentence and I don't care)
I am finding that I am just angry . . .I don't do anger. I haven't ever really done anger without self-injury . . .
Then, I found out some disturbing news about my old employer-who has basically blacklisted me from working as a mobile therapist in the county . . .it is a long story, but suffice it to say this woman is corrupt and has done some pretty shallow, rude, and VERY unprofessional things. She runs a multi-million dollar program and no one will touch her and her behavior as a result. But this is going over the line . . .So I am trying to get to the bottom of this, and in the meantime feeling like I am not measuring up.
I have a particularly difficult client/family a work that is driving me bonkers, and I think I need to back off. I have the need to be there at all times to help people, and I think I am realizing this one family needs more than me . ..they need the Department of Human Services . . .they are in crisis and I can't do it anymore.
Well, aren't I a bucket of fun tonight. Shall I throw in a few positives?
On the weight loss front, we did not weigh in last week due to not being home on Tuesday, so we weighed in today and I was down 3.3 lbs for a grand total of 15.3 lbs. This is shocking to me, as I had a particularly bad food week . . .I ate pizza, nachos, a cookie, ice cream, all not low carb. I feel good about the weight loss. I even bought 4 new pairs of pants on clearance at Talbot's.
Um, it's cold here. Supposed to be snowing, but of course it is not. We will never see snow again I feel. It is rainy and freaking cold, but no snow.
I think I should call this a post and spare you the rest . . .
It all started when I found out my brother and his family will most likely be moving to TX. Now, I have nothing against TX, except that it is REALLY far away. I didn't think this would affect me so much, but it has. Mostly I am angry that he can move away . . .I have so many family issues . . .But yes, I have always felt like it is my job to stay nearby so that I can swoop in and save the day when needed. Clearly this has been really effective in the past (note the sarcasm). I think I am also just recently having a better relationship with him, and don't want him to be so far away. What happens when mom or dad gets sick, or something else happens . . now I will be the only one nearby-read this as I will be the one to have to deal with stuff now.
My shrinky-dink drew me a diagram of the abuse cycle of needing to be the rescuer and how one can perpetuate the cycle by putting others in the role of being rescued, thus keeping them in the victim role, blah blah blah. Then we talked about why I feel the need to rescue my family from their issues . . .I am feeling so confused and stressed about this family stuff. How can I feel so conflicted about all of this-ask me a year ago about my brother moving and I wouldn't give a rat's ass. I hated him and what he did to me . . .I did a lot of work to forgive and move on, and now he is leaving. Why do I care so much about pleasing my mother-the one that beat the crap out of me for years . . .and doesn't even admit to it. I guess in some ways I am waiting for the one thing that will prove to her that I am good enough, and I am lovable . . .I don't know. The one thing that will redeem my family and erase all the crappy things that have happened-thus leaving me with a fabulous family life!!
I am also realizing that as much as I have had a happy-go-lucky attitude about having a sibling with a disability . . .I am finding I have some strong feelings about this that I haven't much dealt with because I have been the model sibling who has unconditional love for her sibling and just LOVES to help out and give of herself all the time. (run on sentence and I don't care)
I am finding that I am just angry . . .I don't do anger. I haven't ever really done anger without self-injury . . .
Then, I found out some disturbing news about my old employer-who has basically blacklisted me from working as a mobile therapist in the county . . .it is a long story, but suffice it to say this woman is corrupt and has done some pretty shallow, rude, and VERY unprofessional things. She runs a multi-million dollar program and no one will touch her and her behavior as a result. But this is going over the line . . .So I am trying to get to the bottom of this, and in the meantime feeling like I am not measuring up.
I have a particularly difficult client/family a work that is driving me bonkers, and I think I need to back off. I have the need to be there at all times to help people, and I think I am realizing this one family needs more than me . ..they need the Department of Human Services . . .they are in crisis and I can't do it anymore.
Well, aren't I a bucket of fun tonight. Shall I throw in a few positives?
On the weight loss front, we did not weigh in last week due to not being home on Tuesday, so we weighed in today and I was down 3.3 lbs for a grand total of 15.3 lbs. This is shocking to me, as I had a particularly bad food week . . .I ate pizza, nachos, a cookie, ice cream, all not low carb. I feel good about the weight loss. I even bought 4 new pairs of pants on clearance at Talbot's.
Um, it's cold here. Supposed to be snowing, but of course it is not. We will never see snow again I feel. It is rainy and freaking cold, but no snow.
I think I should call this a post and spare you the rest . . .
Monday, December 17, 2007
Mortified
Have you heard of the book Mortified?
It is a book about the journals of kids from when they were younger and how dramatic everything was back then.
I have always liked to journal, and in fact the other day I pulled some out and was perusing through them. I have about 9 of the big spiral bound sketch books that are filled with drama and tales of woe. I had some notebooks from later in high school, but a therapist turned lover (don't ask it is a whole other blog entry . . .which I am sure no one wants to hear about) encouraged me to burn them and "let them go".
The reason I had pulled them out is that they are in the same under bed bin that my yearbooks are in, and I was looking at my yearbooks from high school. Now why would I be doing this to myself? Well, while going to dinner one day we happened to see a girl I went to high school with. I live about 1 1/2 hours away from where I grew up, and when I left home I never wanted to see anyone from that god forsaken place again. Though this girl I saw at the deli was ok, and she happens to still be friends with a girl that was nice to me in school-there were very few. The other girl that I didn't see but who knows the girl I did see has been emailing with me.
Very weird to relive that time, and for me it was such a terrible time that I have very few memories of the whole thing to begin with-much less good ones. I am glad to have made this connection and hope that in it I can make peace with that time of my life and give myself permission to move on.
Therapy today was focused on allowing myself to live in the present and be ok with letting the past be . . .easier said than done, but I am committed to work on it. I will start by trying to not let myself be affected by my folks when they are here and the things I cannot change about them. I can choose to take care of myself, and that is all I am responsible for. I'll let you know how that works for me.
Hope all is well in your corners.
It is a book about the journals of kids from when they were younger and how dramatic everything was back then.
I have always liked to journal, and in fact the other day I pulled some out and was perusing through them. I have about 9 of the big spiral bound sketch books that are filled with drama and tales of woe. I had some notebooks from later in high school, but a therapist turned lover (don't ask it is a whole other blog entry . . .which I am sure no one wants to hear about) encouraged me to burn them and "let them go".
The reason I had pulled them out is that they are in the same under bed bin that my yearbooks are in, and I was looking at my yearbooks from high school. Now why would I be doing this to myself? Well, while going to dinner one day we happened to see a girl I went to high school with. I live about 1 1/2 hours away from where I grew up, and when I left home I never wanted to see anyone from that god forsaken place again. Though this girl I saw at the deli was ok, and she happens to still be friends with a girl that was nice to me in school-there were very few. The other girl that I didn't see but who knows the girl I did see has been emailing with me.
Very weird to relive that time, and for me it was such a terrible time that I have very few memories of the whole thing to begin with-much less good ones. I am glad to have made this connection and hope that in it I can make peace with that time of my life and give myself permission to move on.
Therapy today was focused on allowing myself to live in the present and be ok with letting the past be . . .easier said than done, but I am committed to work on it. I will start by trying to not let myself be affected by my folks when they are here and the things I cannot change about them. I can choose to take care of myself, and that is all I am responsible for. I'll let you know how that works for me.
Hope all is well in your corners.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
What if?
What if I am just like everyone else? Folks who are in recovery from something, and maybe even everyone else, will wonder at some point who and what they are without their disorders-be it addiction, eating disorders, cutting, etc. This is a question I have been pondering lately.
My DP will maybe groan at this, but in all honesty I have a hard time seeing what others do about me. Since I was 12, well, 8 really I have been defined by some "issue". Whether it was sexual abuse, anorexia/bulimia, self-mutilation, drug addiction, blah blah blah. Now it comes to light many years later, with a lot of therapy and growth, that I might be getting to the point where the things in my head and the things I deal with are N .O.R.M.A.L.
But what does that mean for me and my identity that has been defined for so.many.years by the negative things I have done? How do I get attention? How do I make my needs known? How do I deal with rejection, hurt, shame if I don't have/use those things?
In therapy today we started talking about sex. Now, I don't talk about sex. This is one of those issues that stays locked away in a tiny box and rarely comes out to play. Something came up and we started discussing this and a conversation that was had last week at a local restaurant with a few friends of mine while out to dinner. Here we are chowing down on our meals and someone talks about how she wants more . . .then it leads into "self-care" . . and it just keeps going. It occurred to me today that I would have liked to be more present in the conversation, but my head was intrenched in why I couldn't be-sex is bad, wrong, dirty, blah blah blah. I know these are my issues, but when it comes down to it I want to have less issues and in order to do that I have to talk about the very thing that makes me want to vomit sometimes.
Where was I going . . .oh, yeah. So what if I am just another patient talking to her shrink about sex? This is normal, right? People talk about this stuff, and other stuffs and they don't allow their lives to be defined by these things. People recover and grow up and want to be contributing members if society.
I know I am rambling, and lucky for you all it is a post-therapy ramble, but seriously. I know I have said this before, but I don't see all the time what others see in me, and I am working at closing that gap, but in the meantime I secretly, or not so secretly right now, am excited about a life that is built on other things and not on the destructive and negative things it has been thus far.
There you have it. I still have a post in me about food issues, but my brain hurts and I need to zone out on some TV.
My DP will maybe groan at this, but in all honesty I have a hard time seeing what others do about me. Since I was 12, well, 8 really I have been defined by some "issue". Whether it was sexual abuse, anorexia/bulimia, self-mutilation, drug addiction, blah blah blah. Now it comes to light many years later, with a lot of therapy and growth, that I might be getting to the point where the things in my head and the things I deal with are N .O.R.M.A.L.
But what does that mean for me and my identity that has been defined for so.many.years by the negative things I have done? How do I get attention? How do I make my needs known? How do I deal with rejection, hurt, shame if I don't have/use those things?
In therapy today we started talking about sex. Now, I don't talk about sex. This is one of those issues that stays locked away in a tiny box and rarely comes out to play. Something came up and we started discussing this and a conversation that was had last week at a local restaurant with a few friends of mine while out to dinner. Here we are chowing down on our meals and someone talks about how she wants more . . .then it leads into "self-care" . . and it just keeps going. It occurred to me today that I would have liked to be more present in the conversation, but my head was intrenched in why I couldn't be-sex is bad, wrong, dirty, blah blah blah. I know these are my issues, but when it comes down to it I want to have less issues and in order to do that I have to talk about the very thing that makes me want to vomit sometimes.
Where was I going . . .oh, yeah. So what if I am just another patient talking to her shrink about sex? This is normal, right? People talk about this stuff, and other stuffs and they don't allow their lives to be defined by these things. People recover and grow up and want to be contributing members if society.
I know I am rambling, and lucky for you all it is a post-therapy ramble, but seriously. I know I have said this before, but I don't see all the time what others see in me, and I am working at closing that gap, but in the meantime I secretly, or not so secretly right now, am excited about a life that is built on other things and not on the destructive and negative things it has been thus far.
There you have it. I still have a post in me about food issues, but my brain hurts and I need to zone out on some TV.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Random thoughts . .
OK, so I am jumbled today and so I thought I would let you know about the randomness going on in my head about my latest activities and such . . .
- I am now triple checking to be sure I am posting on the right blog . . .
- I am feeling much better today, though my nose is still all cracked from blowing it so much. OUCH! I had to give in and use the lotion-y issues my DP got me. Thanks!
- I took the train to work today and was feeling very directionally challenged. I thought I could get the broad street line right from Market East, which apparently you cannot, and people were telling me to go this way and that way and by the time I gt to the conference I was a sweaty mess ready to cry . . .45 minutes after I got off the first train . . .
- I almost cried this morning-I have been on the verge of tears for a few days-not sure why-->(though I should have gotten my period and I haven't . . .first time since off the pill that I haven't gotten it. I thought I was going to be a normal girl for a chance), but I have kept it together, but this morning was challenging. It turns out I should have just gone to my normal stop and walked a few blocks and I would have been there. I hate feeling like I don't know where I am.
- Went to a conference today and it was very interesting . ..talked about the racial disparities in low birth weight babies . . .I was asked to go by the folks I work with-mostly nurses. I met some people and it was very interesting. Tomorrow is a seminar on autism interventions/assessments. Close to home so I can sleep in a bit and drive there.
- Had a meeting tonight at my church. They are gathering with women to talk about what kinds of things women might be interested in as far as outreach, ministry, activities, fun, etc. It was great to met some new people and I look forward to getting to know them.
- My cousin had gastric bypass surgery, and while visiting her this weekend my mother proclaimed that she and I should get this done together. I have so many things to say about this, and it is too late to say them now, but I needed to get that out. I know this is not something I should be thinking about obsessively, but I am and I can't seem to get the vision of my once fluffy cousin turned skinny out of my head.
- I have an official bio on the website of the place I work. Of course I cannot share that, cause then y'all would know who I was and that would be very, very bad! But it is neato anyways!
- While visiting a health center last week for work-I was observing the clinic-, one of the np's told me-matter of factly that I had rosacia, bad acne, and needed to lose weight. She gave me a script for this lotion stuff-two actually and I used them for about two days when I stopped. Why did I stop you ask? Well, my face got all red and bumpy and itchy. Then it sort of turned leathery. Today was the first day it did not itch horribly and burn. I ditched the potions and went back to the Aveda All Sensitive . . .I should have known better as I have a history of reacting this way to things on my face, but my face was breaking out horribly and I was feeling some type of way about that.
- hmm, I guess that is it. I have therapy tomorrow. That has been going relatively well, except she keeps going away and that has caused some breaks in sessions and I feel like we start over each time we have a break . . .it is getting better, but I wish she'd stay put. Doesn't she know I have issues?
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