The end of my rope . .

Seems to be creeping up in regards to my family. I have a ton going on with them and I don't have the slightest idea of how to figure it all out . . .

Tony Campolo Rocks The House

This is a professor I had in college . . .he spoke at my church this past weekend and I wasn't there. I just watched and felt like I wanted to share. Even if you aren't into the god thing, he has some good things to say .. .it gets better after 12-13 minutes . . .hang in there. His wife, Peggy, went to another church I went to for a while which is a welcoming and affirming church for gay and lesbian folk and their relationship was always very interesting and I felt better about him knowing she was around to keep him real. Oh well . .for what it is worth. Take a look.



Brian Jones - The Official Website Blog Tony Campolo Rocks The House

Guess what I did??

I read 4 books over vacation! I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but let me tell you it takes me a while to read books. I typically have a lot that I start and never finish. I went to Big Bookstore before vacation and looked at the buy one get one half off and chose a few. You might notice a theme to which my shrink was like, um, what's with that and I told her that it wasn't that unusual. Last years vacation I read a few on the same theme as well-not this years theme, but another which happened to be all about the day in the life of women in different professions--very interesting! The cool thing is I actually read a couple of novels which is not my genre of choice but I found them to be enjoyable! Take a look at what I read!

1. Better-A Surgeon's notes on performance-- I really liked this book written by a general surgeon about his work. He tackles a few issues including the changing world of health care, child birth, the medical role in the death penalty, and more. I liked that he seemed to do a good job of presenting both sides of an issue, all while illustrating it with stories of his own practice and experience. He has another book called Complications which I haven't read yet, but got at the same time. One of the things he talks about which I appreciated was about the advances in medicine and the struggle between using that technology to save people who will go on to have seriously diminished quality of life. Working with the children I do and the situations I have been in, it was great that he tackled some of that . . .whether you agree or not.

2. The Bufflehead Sisters-- This was a good novel, though I have to say that I sort of knew the ending about 3/4 of the way through. It was still entertaining enough for me to keep going and I read the whole book in about a day!

3. Tell me where it hurts-- This book is about a day in the life of a veterinary surgeon. Somewhat like Better, he addresses multiple issues and the book is a good mix of explanation of different procedures and historical context and personal stories. DP read the book and liked the stories better than the "blah blah boring stuff." It was cute I thought . . .and again, very easy no brainer book for all the animal livers out there.

4. But inside I am screaming -- I enjoyed this novel about an reporter who has a nervous breakdown and ends up in a psych ward to try and figure herself out. She struggles with the "i'm not like these crazy people" idea and the book follows her through this. I liked this book as I could relate having spent a good amount of my own life in similar situations.

Have you guys read any of these? Any other reviews of these that you would add?

Hope all is well in your parts. I am back to work tomorrow . . .I am well rested and ready for new adventures. I have some posts about some other things but they will have to wait for now!

Relaxing Queen

Vacation is going marvelously and again I am sad that I cannot be a professional vactioner . .

So far I have read two whole books--which is a huge accomplishment for me . . , had the dog neutered, took a tour of Lambeau Field, bought 20lbs of cheese for dirt cheap, and spent two glorious hours doing nothing but laying outside reading. We also went to Door County, WI where I was able to wander about these small quaint shops and dream of a day I can do more of this kind of stuff.

DP and I have made some decisions about some things we need to do when we get back home--mainly looking at the budget and the garden--I know two very different things but both important to be looked at. We realize that we have spent so much time working this summer that we have been most miserable and at times not so nice to each other. This is not how we want to be with each other and will work towards making some changes.

I think I am going to nap a bit this afternoon since the pups apparently have NO concept of the time change and have been up at 5:00am most the days we have been here so far. This, my friends, is NOT fun!
I will leave you with some pictures of our time so far . . . Enjoy and hope all is well in your parts!

The kids lying about . . .picture from lunch in Door, County. Below is another picture from where we stopped to have lunch, then from the field at Lambeau!

Vote for my friend if you would . . .

Hey there folks-

If you have a second, please vote for my friend and her husband's photography business. They are in the run to win a Best of Philly award . . . You do'nt need to live in the area to vote. Check it out below:

Weld Photography http://www.weldphotography.us/ has been nominated as Best of Philly at
My Fox Philly Hotlist. We are in 6th place out of 187 photographers.
It only takes a minute to vote and is super easy. To vote go to: http://myfoxphilly.cityvoter.com/weld-photography/biz/406714
One vote per e-mail address. Pass on the link to anyone you might know
that would take a sec to help out our company.

64 things you've never been asked

1. First thing you wash in the shower? shampoo my hair

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? hunter green

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yes!

4. Do you plan outfits? depends--not usually

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? excited about vacation

6. What's the closest thing to you that's red? candy cane from xmas

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? kayaking with my shrink

8. Did you meet anyone new today? yes, the nice kid from the car place

9. What are you craving right now? iced tea

10. Do you floss? yes--recently started and i love it

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? saurkraut

12. Are you emotional? sometimes

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? Probably not

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? usually let it melt a little then eat it

15. Do you like your hair? yes

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? only if i could poison him!

18. What are you listening to right now? DP listening to "all she wants to do is dance"

19. Are your parents strict? on certain things, but not really

20. Would you go sky diving? NO WAY!

21. Do you like cottage cheese? yes

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? no

23. Do you rent movies often? no

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? yes, a print on my wall

25. How many countries have you visited? 1

26. Have you made a prank phone call? yes, when i was a kid

27. Ever been on a train? Yes

28. Brown or white eggs? brown

29. Do you have a cell phone? Yes

30. Do you use chap stick? Burts!

31. Do you own a gun? hell no

32. Can you use chop sticks? Nope

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? DP and the kids

34. Are you too forgiving? at times

35. Ever been in love? Yes!

36. What are your best friend(s) doing tomorrow? working and lunch bunch

37. Ever have cream puffs? Yes

38. Last time you cried? a few days ago

39. What was the last question you asked? do we have a deposit slip

40. Favorite time of the year? fall-hands down

41. Do you have any tattoos? yes, two

42. Are you sarcastic? yes!

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? nope

44. Ever walked into a wall? more times than i should admit

45. Favorite color? purple

46. Have you ever slapped someone? i am sure

47. Is your hair curly? nope

48. What was the last CD you bought? the new alanis album

49. Do looks matter? more than i would like to admit

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater? nope--i can't stand lying at all

51. Is your phone bill sky high? no, but it is more than i wish

52. Do you like your life right now? it is working and getting better. more improvements are needed but that is good

53. Do you sleep with the TV on? nope

54. Can you handle the truth? Yes, gently given of course

55. Do you have good vision? mostly, i have a slight prescription but can see without them

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? yes

57. How often do you talk on the phone? all the time

58. The last person you held hands with? DP

59. What are you wearing? pj's

60.What is your favorite animal? dogs

61. Where was your profile picture taken? outside

62. Can you hula hoop? no

63. Do you have a job? Yes-thanks goodness

64. What was the most recent thing you bought? a windsheild

Vacation

I am on vacation in a few days and it cannot come soon enough. This summer has been hellacious with work and the extra work we took on. It was clearly a lot to do and we are feeling the stress of not having any free time to really be with each other and not worry so much about not having any free time. We have managed to make use of our season tickets to the waterpark, but even that has been a lot with driving up there and having to then see my folks. . . usually all in one day becasue the nexty day we are working.

Things have been generally ok. I have been feeling very tired in the afternoons lately, and this has lead to checking in with the sleep study folks to see what might be happening with my sleep. I went for the first test and they said that even though the apneas were WAY better than last time five years ago, there's still enough present to make them want me to have a mask. He says if I keep losing weight it is likely that I won’t need it at all soon. I go back in a few weeks to have the second study done. I think the doc will also check me for Lymes as we have had many folks at work get it, and Addie was recently diagnosed with it as well.

I also had to start taking blood pressure medication. Now, I have had issues with medications since before when I was on too many psychotropics to keep track of. When I was finally able to come off of all meds a few years ago I sort of went the other way in that I don't want to take ANYTHING!!! But alas my BP had been a little high--like 130's/90's . . .for a while and she thought that since everyone else in my fam had high BP that it just might be a genetic thing. I canceled a few appts with her because I didn't want to discuss the issue. Then my bro who went on them a few years ago lost 40lbs and he has been able to come off of all of them. I am now taking a small dose of something or other and it seems to have given me an acceptable blood pressure for now. Cholesterol is excellent, so I guess that is good.

I am hanging in there with the weight loss. It has been so slow and up and down a few lbs on any given week. I am hoping the two weeks with DP's folks will help stabilize things as we generally eat very well there and walk a lot. I haven't gained and feel good that at least I am maintaining. I need to kick up the working out, but see paragraph one about not having time for anything and being very tired in the afternoons. I would like to try and see if I can find a place that I can do water aerobics. I think that would be great fun!

The pups are good, though Riley had a fight with his BFF Buergi this past week and since then they have been unable to be together. It is time for the big snip, and he will have that done while we are in Wisconsin. Folks have said we should be glad that they got along so well this long as they are both intact males-->NOT FOR LONG! Addie is as precious as ever and we have finally found the trick to her bowels and that means she can be on the same food as her brother and she is doing great. She has so much energy in the morning and we are convinced she has some boxer in her casue when she gets excited her puppy paws go flying!!! It is very cute--except when you are taking her up to the kennel with a full bucket of water and she runs into you--this has happened a few times and it has made for a less than happy mama!

Work has been ok. New exciting prospects on the horizon, which I won't get into until I hear something for sure. Let's just say that it would be a big deal and would require me to wear more fancy pants clothing on a regular basis . . . Doing a lot of respite care . . .glad I can be helpful to families and the kids.

Family stuff has been interesting. We have been having a lot of discussions, heated debates, and tears over future planning for my brother. The good thing is that we seem to be on the right road as far as some things my folks needed to see. Like being more accurate on his yearly plan about what he could and couldn't do. Little things like that are going far to have my folks trust me a bit more. We have also planned a trip to TX to see other bro in October and will be there for his birthday. We are all very excited and this will be DP's first trip to see the place in TX. Little Tyke starts kindergarten next week . .where does the time go. I can still remember leaving my job the day we got the call that we was being born and now he's trotting off to school and my bro is on the PTA!!!!! WHAT???

OK, well, I should get back to work. Hope this keeps you guys hanging in there with me. I am sure I will have lot of adventures to share from vacation and the time to share them! I even bought a few books yesterday to take with me!!!

Hope all is well in your corners! See you soon!!!

Knock knock

Is this thing still on??

I am thinking really hard about coming back home to the mothership!

Is anyone else still out there??

Very very behind!

I am so behind in my blog reading and writing!

I promise I will get back on track soon . . .none of you are forgotten . . .

Hope all is well in your corners!

What a situation

There's a situation at work that is making me slightly ill.

We have a young man-23yrs- who has MR and brain damage due to a seizure disorder where he used to fall and hit is head all the time. His mother immigrated to the US from Jamaica when he was younger to give him a better chance at good docs and such. He ends up at our facility about 8 years ago. He had some serious behaviors like running away, hitting others, etc. He was very active--loves riding his bike, running around with the maintenance department, etc.

He also had very bad scoliosis that was affecting his breathing. The social worker got his home state to allow him to stay at our place post 21 until he had the surgery to fix his back since when he went back to his home state for adult programming he wouldn't have the insurance to pay for the surgery. TONS of hours of advocating for him lead him to the surgery. He has the surgery and the next day the cage that was holding his spine together popped and he is now a paraplegic. No feeling from the waist down. A year later he still asked when we will allow him to walk again . . .

So in the midst of this he is non-compliant with personal care--once being totally toilet trained he is now in diapers and doesn't like people to see him naked. He pulls out his catheter which has causes lesions that have become infected. He has injured a number of staff during his aggressive outbursts . . it goes on. He is a huge liability the agency says and they charge me with the tasks of making his home state take him back--citing that we said we'd keep him until the surgery was done and they could place him in home state.

They have nothing to meet his needs--mom isn't a good advocate . . and we send a discharge letter for the end of this month. They have nothing for him and as a result he will go to a state center. This makes me so sad on many levels. People here are burnt out because of him, and we are not an appropriate placement for him. But it makes me so sad when I tell them my concerns about where he is going and they say they don't care. I know they are frustrated, but this kid is bound for a life of being drugged up to assure compliance and I am saddened by the fact that people are just congratulating me for getting him moved.

He will go on Monday, and his mother told me the other day that she know I didn't care if he dies, as long as he got out of our place. This hurt--because I know in part that this is not right for him. I feel angry and upset about this . . .though I know I am fighting a losing battle . . .

These are the days that being a social worker and seeing the ills of the world suck big time. In reading Cheryl's blog about her experiences with school social work I know I am not alone in feeling like life is hitting us over the head faster than we can dole out resources--

GRRRRRR.And there are no other social workers where I work . .I work with all clinical behavior folks and today I tried to explain to my supervisor how I was feeling and she told me I was becoming too involved and that I needed to separate and know that this was not what was best for him. I told her I knew that but I still had feelings about it . . .

In other news things are shaking up a bit here at home and I am excited to see what is in store for us.

Hope you are all well in your corners of the world.

Brain hurts

My brain is so full that it feels like it is about to burst and roll off of my body. A ton going on lately and I am trying to stay afloat . . .

Busy time at work--graduation was last week and it is my job to make sure that everyone has a place to go after graduation and it was down to the wire.

It has also been raining-like every day for the last two months I think . . .it gets old after a while and I am ready for some nice weather...the only good thing is that we haven't had to use the air conditioner yet this year and that is great!

Meeting Miss Daisy and other random notes

It's been quite a week. We went kayaking last weekend and it was absolutely fabulous!! I can't explain how free I feel on the water . . .gliding through this powerful source of life and being . . .just small me on this great big lake and the trees and birds and animals. It was just great. I even tried a sit inside kayak this time and did great. I was afraid my bum wouldn't fit without a great deal of WD40, but I did well and actually kind of liked it a bit better. I will do a thorough comparison before we ever get one- for the amount of money we spend to rent, I am thinking we should just buy! The place we rent from sells their supply at the end of the season, so maybe we'll go that route.

Then it was just a busy week at work. We had the memorial service for one of the students that passed away a little over a month ago and that was just sad .. .I mean happy to remember him, but the family put together a slide show and it is just rough.

Then on Friday I got to meet my blogger buddy Daisy! and her man friend. It was awesome to put a face and more of a personality to this person who I have been blogging with. Though I was nervous that I would be stood up, and my friends were glad DP was going along in case Daisy ended up being a blogger-phile or something. It was nothing like that! We shared a great meal at Bahama Breeze and chatted about just about everything. I think it was a wonderful start to a great new friendship. Our next mission--GAY BINGO!! I can't wait. Thanks Daisy and Man-Friend for a great night and a warm welcome!

Yesterday we did a whole lot . ..since it had rained all week, we still hadn't buried our last guinea pig friend who died earlier this week. He hung out in the freezer until we could get out there and properly bury him. He died very suddenly--I noticed one day he wasn't looking too well and then that night before we went to bed he died. I think it was because I changed his food-I felt he needed something more exotic . . .and I have serious food issues. DP thinks it is because she was wondering what would could do with the corner in the living room without a big cage there . . .either way he was joined many a friend over the rainbow bridge!

We also went to the dog park where we had a super dog meet up. Three of our friends came and the pups played for about 2 hours. After that they went for baths and I went to get my friend for respite care for the afternoon. We then went to this sad strawberry festival . . .which should have been named " old folks festival". There was one little pot of strawberries and lots of older folk. We were disappointed that there weren't berries to buy, but we had a bowl full and then went back to deal with the garden and the 'hog. This will be another post later.

Then we went to a local fair. Now, this fair was sad because it was small and nothing like DP and I remember a fair being like. Oh, and tit was also on the grounds of the old Franklin Mint Museum which is just now all empty and overgrown and sad looking . . .It was a lot of overpriced games with crappy prizes, and just about anything you could want . . .fried. We did partake of fried oroes as we have seen them before and always wondered. They were yummy, but I could do without eating them again. We did that and then took our friend home.

Then we assembled our new grill that we got for our anniversary. Our cute little Weber Q was not working right, and we decided to upgrade to the real Weber Performer:

We put it together last night without killing each other . . .though we got to the last piece and realized the work surface was broken. No problem . . .we called Weber and they are going to ship a new one right away and send Fex Ex to get the old one. How it that for service. I have never used a charcoal grill before, but I am excited to learn. We also got a veggie basket and pizza maker for the grill . . .hehe . . .I am excited. Rebecky is coming over tonight for our first cook out.

Well, that's about all for now. I am off to church now . . .we have our grand opening for our new building today which will be our worship space until the final phase is done . . .but not for a few ears. I am actually thinking about trying to church hop for the summer and see what I can come up with. I love the church I go to now, and the people are amazing, but I want something that I don't have to feel bad about with the whole gay thing . . .and we found a few churches nearby that are welcoming and affirming churches . . .and I think DP will even check them out with me. Can't beat that!

Ok, over and out or now . . .stay tuned for the more about the 'hog war going on!

So much going on

1. Went to my first prom--at work they have a prom for the kids. this one guy who is such a mess-i mean his family is a mess, involved with the local children and youth . .i am working so hard with them to get them in home help--he is a day student--well, dad said they weren't coming because they didn't have transportation . . .i vowed to find a way next year to get him there . . .wouldn't you know about 45 minutes in he shows up with his whole family . . .I just about cried. if i wasn't in a room full of people i think i might have. the resilience of families amazes me sometimes. now, if he misses the evaluation i set up for him on Friday again, i might have to go postal . . .

2. Meeting Miss Daily this week and am very excited . . .

3. Got season passes to local water park by my folks . . .I think my mom is sucking up as she is being very nice and I know this sounds weird, but it feels kinda uncomfortable . . .not sure what to do with that.

4. Therapy is kicking my ass. not much more to say other than the fact that sitting still is harder than i ever could have imagined. the journaling thing has been going well and she is being much more strict with me and not letting me get away with shit. good stuff.

5. work changed out insurance coverage and i am afraid i will not qualify as seriously mentally ill anymore--not that this would be bad, but the amount of visits you get with the therapist if you are normal is not a lot. i used to qualify no problem for SMI but we are worried they might question how SMI i could be and not take any meds . . .

6. will have to decide in a few weeks with my doc if i need to take blood pressure medication which is such a bummer for me. she said that even though i was getting healthier, the fact remains that everyone in my family has high BP and it just may be a genetic thing. frustrating though when you are finally on the right track and losing weight.

7. I am up to 20.8 lbs lost . . .this week i think period is coming and i have been a bottomless pit today, but i am trying to be ok with that. got a fancy schmancy pedometer which keeps me motivated!

8. Everything is in the garden now, though something has scurried away with the tops of three of our tomato plants and two whole pepper plants . . .i am pissed . . .don't mess with me and my garden damn it!

9. KAYAKING tomorrow and I am so damn excited I can hardly stand it!!

How is everyone???

Weekend Stuff

We went to the folks house this weekend to paint my childhood room. The room was purple to go along with my white canopy bed and unicorns! I loved that room . . .except when really bad things were happening. Those unicorns and I went to so many places during those times.

It was indeed bittersweet to finally be able to paint over that room, those memories, and everything else to go along with it. I have finally found a place in my world to forgive my brother . . .and this totally helps to get rid of those remaining memories. We redecorated and it looks like a grown up room now!

I even found it in my heart to be decent-no, nice to my mother. I think we had a good weekend.

All together it was good . . .and I needed it to be good.

Therapy today

There was a bit of a scare the last few weeks with therapy. Mainly my company was switching insurance companies and there was a few days there where I wasn't sure my therapist was going to be covered. I have been seeing her for about 8 years and she and I are finally working on some good stuff. The rest was about keeping me alive and well, still good stuff but not the down and dirty kinda stuff that I needed to get to.

When I thought I was going to lose her-and yes I know that sounds dramatic but that IS a big deal--I started to re-evaluate what we were doing and how things were going along. I realized that we were getting too comfortable in our ways--mostly me avoiding the hard stuff and staying super surfaced. Well, today I decided to journal about it. ** Sidenote-->Oh and also, before I qualified for the SMI benefits--serious mental illness--and now with the new company I likely will not qualify. While I still have the dx's, I don't take any meds and they could say well, how seriously mentally ill can she be while not on any meds. In that case I would only have 20 visits per year. I need to check on this tomorrow at the benefits fair . . .

I had looked through a number of my old journals and I was struck by how much stuff happened my last year of high school and freshman year of college that I just don't recall. Scary to read your own writing and not know where it came from. I was deep in the doo doo of life, and I am just thankful I made it through. But reading it I was aware just how powerful of a tool my journal was for me. I used unlined sketch books so I could draw, write, paste things in, keep notes and cards, etc. I was seeing an art therapist for a while and so I have all those pictures. I saw one today that I thought I might take out and put in a frame. It was of a safe place--which of course for me was a big comfy chair, a book case, a carpet, and a bookcase. It looked divine! I can see why I would have chosen that as my safe space.

So I started writing about how it felt to read those two journals--of 10 . . .and then I wrote out some things that I wanted to work on with shrinky dink. I was scared as I read it to her, as I didn't want her to feel offended--and then we quickly assessed that we needed to work on the intense judgement and criticism going on in my head AT.ALL.TIMES. All in all it was a good session and we decided that I would bring my journal each week and at the end of the session we'd come up with something for the following week along the theme.

I am feeling better, therapy was good, my tummy is full, and tomorrow is my weigh in day. I saw a number this morning I don't recall seeing in a VERY long time. I hope it is still there tomorrow for the official weigh in day. I feel really motivated and not so hungry all the time.

Thanks for coming along with me. I so enjoy the fact that I have blogger friends who are interested in my world. Hope all is well in your corners!


Oh, another question for you social work types--any information or resources on therapists being in therapy--thoughts about it? I have often wondered how this affect my ability to fully engage . .

The Write Stuff

I have always loved to write. When I was young I used to journal about all sorts of things. When I was in high school my friend and I had a ntoebook that we woiuold exchange during each period change and it was just reflections of how we were experiencing life.

I had a bunch of journals that I took to college with me. Then when I started dating the therapist I was seeing--yes, I KNOW there's a post but not now! Anyways, she thought it would be therapeutic for me to burn those journals and I did just that. What I would give to know what my little head was thinking back in the day. I feel like so much of that stuff is out of reach for me . . I don't know that it is important for me to know, but I'd have liked the option.

Now I have 10 large sketch books that I have journaled in and have kept. I have told DP that should I die she needs to be sure that they get destroyed. The things I have written about over the years are raw, they are crazy, and they are a look into my past that is sometimes scary. Since blogger has come around, I have stopped journaling as much . . .and I wish I could get back to it.

I did get a journal that had prompts, and that seemed easier than thinking that I had to write pages and pages all the time. But I feel stuck again. I feel like I need to re-evaluate where I need to go with therapy, and I haven't the least idea where to start. I thought I would write about it but I am stuck . . .any ideas?

More random thoughts!

Oh, and BTW--the girl at work who has an EDO and I finally chatted . . .I am hoping that perhaps rather than allowing her to be a trigger we can be supportive of each other. We will see.

What's in a number

I have been thinking a lot about food. In fact it seems I think about food a lot. The more I try not to think about food the more I think about food. I am sooo tired of it. I am tired and weary of the fight with the number . . .how it can single handedly change the way I can feel at any given moment.

Truth be told, I am feeling better about food lately since WW, but I still feel like it has way too much control over me. I had a few bouts of purging, but then I was able to stop it. Then there was the weight gain over Easter that was hard to take since I was trying to be very good about the food. My mother and father also made a comment to me at Easter about my food which I had a difficult time with--they mentioned that I hadn't stopped eating since I got there---which I know wasn't true, but they said it and I went off. Then they acted surprised when I reacted that way-and I reminded them that teasing me about food isn't a good idea. Should I have to remind them of this after almost 20 years of being eating disordered . . .this is not a new thing.

I feel easily triggered the last month or so. There's a girl at work who I know has an eating disorder, and we have had to work together more and I watch her and what she does and sometimes I feel jealous that she is so good at it, and I can't be anymore. I don't want to identify as that anymore, but sometimes it is hard to take. Then I have changed my therapy day and my therapists specializes in EDO and the girl who goes before me is clearly anorexic and I couldn't help thinking about it when she came out. I don't know if I need to say anything more to my therapist, as it seems dumb.

I just often think about a day where I look in the mirror and I feel good about myself--no matter what number should appear that day. I feel like I am starting to rely more on how I feel and hunger signs--which is relatively new, but they are weird too. Imagine that--listening to your body and not feeling like it is a big fat trader . . .

Oh, and by the way, I am finally nearing a number on the scale that I haven't seen in a very long time--in fact next week I will probably see it which is why I suspect I am having feelings around this now. I think I am worried that I might not find the elusive happiness that I have always said would come with being smaller. What if it has all been a lie and that I could be happy RIGHT.NOW. In fact, I have a friend who lost over 150lbs and I saw her and we chatted for quite a bit and I said to her "You MUST feel better now-healthier . . .?" and her response . . ."not really". What if I get there and I still feel all this crap??!!??

Not sure where I am going, or what I need. Just some random thoughts from the couch--where I have been most of the day--sick, and wanting the rain to go away.

Just testing this mobile connection. Maybe this will help me stay posted on my blog. We will see.

What fascinates you?

Ok, back again. Damn facebook for killing my blog . . .Oh well, it is what it is. But I am here to pose this question to you . . .

This came about as I was at a training this week and there were two sign language interpreters. Now when there are interpreters present, I am hard pressed to actually pay attention to what I am supposed to be paying attention to. I am not sure when I became so enthralled by the moving hands, the mouthing of words, the seemingly secret club they were all in. The one the other day even winked a number of times. I wanted to be in the club and I could only watch and pretend I knew what they were expressing.

I have thought in the past that I should utilize this fascination for good and take a class or something, but alas I am limited by the few signs I know.

The same could be said for the guitar. I could watch someone play the guitar for hours . . .and I even bought one from my friend and vowed that I would take lessons from her once I finished graduate school. I bought a dvd and a book for dummies or something. You think I ever did anything with that?

I wonder what gets in our way of following through with the things we'd most like to. Maybe it is lack of time, fear of failure, not being able to do it well enough. Well, maybe one day I will sign up for a class or two . . .

What about you?

Things

Things have been pretty crappy the last few days. The family visit this weekend didn't go very well, and ended quite badly actually. This has thrown me for a loop--though today was surely better than yesterday, and perhaps tomorrow will be even better.

We lost another resident yesterday, and another today. It is VERY unusual to lose 4 residents in a matter of a month an a half . . .people are starting to wonder about us. Though all but one had a reason for their death . . .still weird though.

Looking forward to therapy tomorrow, and the nice weather this weekend. The rain hasn't helped the foul mood.

I hope all is well in your corners-