Weekend to remember

Memorial Day weekend was great. We had a slight change in plans, which was a bummer, but it ended up working out. Turns out DP's cousin found out two weeks ago that he wasn't going to graduate, and he overdosed and tried to kill himself last Wednesday. Needless to say there was no graduation, and we scrambled to figure out what was going to happen since he was in a hospital about 2 hours from the place we were to be staying at--and we were determined to go away.

We rearranged our plans and ended up staying in Sawyer, Michigan near Warren Dunes State Park. Here are some photos from the park . . .

Her parents were already staying there Thursday night before heading to the other location, so they extended their stay and we drove over there. It was about an 11 hour drive both ways for us, for about 1.25 days with her family. Saturday we ended up meeting up with the other cousins and family at their hotel and hanging out. It was good that most everyone could still see each other and support each other. The young lad is doing ok, and it seemed he might be released today to the care of professionals closer to home.

While there, we went on a dune ride which was so totally cool. The driver was fabulous, and had been doing this for like 24 years. You could tell he loved what he did and enjoyed the people. Here are some photos from our ride . . .

This picture was from inside the park as well, and you can see this is a huge tree that a dune has covered up. It was amazing to see, since you thought you were looking at small trees in the sand--until he told you it was a large tree that a dune had encased.

Addie stayed with my parents, and she was sick as a dog. Her intestinal system was all out of whack, and she had runny bottom, and accidents in the house. Good thing my folks love animals, or I think should would have been out on the porch. She still isn't right and has started to vomit as well. We have decided that we will just put her back on the food that she did well with, and abandon the idea that she can eat the raw food kibble. I guess her tummy just can't handle it. The vomiting is new though, and we aren't quite sure what that is about. She has an appointment with the vet on Saturday, and we got the other food today. I just want her to be well. She is such an awesome dog, and it sucks that she has had it so rough.

I think I may have mentioned also that we had a birds nest with three eggs in it. Well, the eggs have hatched, and we saw one baby and wondered what happened to the others. We looked around and didn't see anything. Upon closer inspection today I saw one of the babies dangling from the rose bush--this is where mama has nested. I am not sure what to do about dangling baby bird (which is dead), since I don't want to get that close to the nest, but now that I see it there, I keep thinking of the poor thing. The one that we see that is alive is strangely cute, but that still leaves one missing baby. Mama is very attentive to the nest. Any ideas on what to do with the baby that didn't make it??

***UPDATE*** The neighbor has reported that he sorta kinda ran over a deadish baby bird with the lawn mower tonight. He saw it too late, but it was dead, and now it is recycled back to the earth . . .I guess. He said he noticed yesterday that there were large black birds circling around and squawking. He wondered if they hadn't raided the nest. On a happier note, I looked in there today (carefully avoiding the dangling birdie) and saw the very much alive bird with his head perched on the side of the nest just looking out--it was very cute- (though I secretly hoped that he didn't know his sibling was dangling below, and if he saw, I hoped he thought it was just bungee jumping for fun!)

In other news, the beans are coming up wonderfully, and DP planted the peppers and tomatoes that we got from dad. Seems we also have two stray pumpkin plants coming up . . .

OK, gotta run, puking puppy . . .

How does your garden grow?

Like THIS!

These are the peas and they are doing wonderfully!! I finally planted the beans last week, and today we saw some sprouting and then when I came home two had burst up and out and are standing upright.

This is where our cucumbers are SUPPOSED to be . . notice there are only weeds . .

And what would a post be without pictures of Addie? I have included an action shot of her running! We are anxiously awaiting news that the new pups are born . .should be any day now. Hope you all have a great holiday weekend. We are headed up to Michigan for some family togetherness with DP's side of the family. Should be fun.

Update

I am alive, really. It has been a long week or so, and I have been neglectful of my blogging duties.

Work has been stressing me out, and I have had to look long and hard at what I am doing, what I want to be doing, and how to find a middle ground with my career. There is a small light that appeared today in the form of a possible employment opportunity which I am excited about exploring, but even in the excitement I feel afraid and fearful that I am doing the wrong thing, and I tend to feel that I am obligated to a position forever. I know it is not like they can't find another social worker, but I just feel like I could be leaving them high and dry. I know, I know, but it feels different since they recruited me and have been building this program around me right now. I know it is not my responsibility to be sure this program makes it. I can only do so much, and I am realizing that. My sanity cannot suffer, and I am slowly falling into feelings that I left a while back and never want to go back to again. I need to stick up for myself. I need to feel good about what I am doing day in and day out.

I need something stable . . .I need to know I have a place to go and a job that will not run out--I mean I know that any job can run out, but I am not handling the ambiguity and unknowns as well as I thought. I am sooooo grateful for the opportunities that I have here, but I know I can't do this long term.

Life is ok. I had a hard time today after listening to a church sermon from this weekend, and called one of my church ladies and told her that I was leaving based on what I heard. I think we are working it out, but I am feeling all sorts of conflicted about some things, and really am questioning myself and trying to protect myself. It hurts to have this part of me feel so unsettled--especially since I have been growing closer and closer to myself and god lately.

I have been able to connect lately with an old friend . .and not that she is old, but you know. She and I have had lunch a few times, and I am reminded why this person is so valuable to me and why I love our friendship.

Oh, on a happy note, we have decided that the new pup will be a boy-- after getting lots of opinions about having same sexed dogs and what was better. His name will be Riley, and he should be born on or around May 24. We will go get him the second week of August. We also have a mommy bird who has taken up residence in our rose bush. I hope the babies don't fall out when they hatch, cause it will be really ouchy. Perhaps that's her version of barbed wire to protect her babies. We peek in at her daily to say hi, though yesterday she scared the heck out of my by flying out just as I was about to peer in. There are 3 eggs in the nest.

Also, today is DP and I's 6th anniversary together. We celebrated by going to a nice restaurant that we had been given a gift certificate to, and going to Rita's Water Ice for dessert. It was great fun!

Maybe more in a few days.

Today

Was harder than I thought. I was so determined yesterday, and it wasn't a bad day. Just confusing.

I got very close to work today and just started sobbing in the car. Don't know why really. I know I am confused about work and what I should be doing with my career, but I am not sure what the tears were about. More tears on the way to group tonight . . .just sobbing. I need to stop crying and driving . . .

Change is hard sometimes, and it means that things need to be stirred up a bit before they can come out looking different I guess.

I appreciate everyone's comments on my last post. I am glad I can be inspiring . . .I do know how hard life can be when much time is spent hating and loathing. The freedom I have now in this emerging life is almost too much to bear sometimes, but I will take that any day over the days of such struggle and pain.

In other news, it appears that we have spotted growth in the garden, which serious made me giggle today. I am so excited about the prospects of eating real home grown food. I will take a picture soon to share.

Ok, off to bed now. The eyes are soooo sleepy since the waterworks show played twice today.

How do you move on . . .

I was at therapy today and we were discussing how you change your thought patterns when you are so stuck in them.

Case in point--I have been losing weight, I have talked about that here before. (though right now I seem to be not doing as well as I'd like . . .) I have recently bought some new shirts that I think are pretty different from what I am used to (used to boring solid colors, and new shirts are vibrant and bold!). So this morning I put one on, and I looked in the mirror and thought "Oh Beans, you look cute." But then I stood there about 20 seconds too long. Instead of just looking cute and going about my business, I started to see the unmentionables . . .the rolley polley arms, the scars, the chub . . .in a matter of a few seconds I lost it. I changed into something else. A too big shirt and a pair of jeans.

I am finding myself in this in between place a lot. Where I want to hold onto the joy and the freedom of knowing I am moving on, and being stuck in what I know and what feels safe. She thought that perhaps instead of saying I feel safe in those places, that I say that those places are what I know and what makes me feel comfortable. I can feel safe in other things . . not the yucky feelings.

A while ago at a church function, I listened to a woman talk about how to be more kind and forgiving of others. She said that when people cut her off in traffic, instead of getting mad she prays for them and hopes that they get to wherever they are going safely. I told the shrinky dink today about this, and she thought I should try and apply the same principle to myself when I am feeling down and judgmental about myself. Perhaps remind myself of how far I have come, and that I did the best I could with what I had.

There you have it . . .this week I will try and challenge my thoughts and be a bit more gentle with myself. I want it . . I want it bad . . to be out of the stuck place and into the place of freedom and joy for what I have now. I know I can do it. It will be hard, but I am stronger than I think sometimes.

Silly Puppy!

Check out our silly puppy and how she chose to nap today!

The Not-So-Secret Garden

Well, the peas are in the ground. The cukes have been planted, the hosta (la vistas) have been transplanted, and the bucket o' worms has been dumped. Yes, I did say bucket of worms--200 to be exact. No, I didn't count them, but it said 200 on the bucket. Imagine having that job!!

Oh, and the tomato cages are up and put together. This gardening thing is hard work--but hopefully soooooo worth it. We still need to plant the beans, and the tomatoes and peppers when we get the from DP's dad at memorial Day. He will start them and then give them to us. What a guy!

I will post pictures soon of the before garden--well, the right in the moment garden. We didn't get before photos.

I keep waiting for something to poke through . . .DP says it's gonna be a long few weeks until something comes up.

Randomness from a personal day

I took a personal day today. The weather should be 78 degrees, and why the hell not, right??

Here I sit, waiting for the pest control people to come look at the mammoth sized bees we have in our wooden front porch--we suspect carpenter bees, and also to look at the critters that are creating neat little holes ALL OVER OUR FREAKING LAWN!!! I suspect they will tell me that it will cost us about a million dollars to rid us of our pests. Great.

I am also adjusting to the application of new bra. I realized that now that I have lost weight, and can wear some supercute things--like the dress I just bought yesterday at Target for an upcoming event . . .--well, lets just say the girls are not standing up to their full potential. Now, I am no small chested thing, and I might have, should have probably been wearing an underwire type contraption for a long time now, but they were never comfortable. Well, I have delved into another kind of underwire and am giving it a try. The girls are still lifted and separated after 10 minutes of use. I will keep you posted.

Onto other news. DP and I turned up the garden area this past weekend. Who the freaking hell knew it would be so hard to dig up grass and stuff. Well, it was and by the end of the weekend we were sorry, sore fools. My little friend and her family came over to visit and meet Addie, and little did they know they would be put to work!!

We are very excited about the prospects of sugar snap peas, cucumbers, green beans, peppers and tomatoes. We'd like to do some other things, but this is a good start for this year. The plot is about 6 feet by 16 feet--good sized. Very full of clay, but we put some peet moss and soil down. We are also composting, so hopefully once that ripens we can spread that as well. We know the peas should have been planted like a week ago, but hopefully we'll have them in by this weekend. I am really excited . . .last years tomatoes were the first thing that I ever really grew myself, so it is fun.

After all that, I went into full OCD mode with pulling weeds. I am not sure if this is a good condition to have when pulling weeds or not. I finally had to stop Sunday when I couldn't move my fingers anymore. Things are shaping up, though.

Um, I guess that's it for now. Addie goes back to the vet today for a check up, and I need to go get an eye exam and new glasses. The girls are still standing proud and tall . . .and so am I, cause when I slouch I get a rib full of wire.

Wish me luck!


**Update**
The girls stood the test of time and they were so relieved to be released from their bondage tonight. DP says she can definitely tell I have lost weight when they are where they are supposed to be. Tomorrow we will go buy some more torture devices.

Addie got a good bill of health today at the vet, and the visit cost less that $100. I was so relieved about that since this shelter dog is costing us a small fortune-->but we love her soooooo very much. We will have her hips x-rayed soon and deal with that means.

Post Traumatic Cheese Steak Syndrome

Thank you folks for NOT holding your breath for this one. I apologize for the delay, but I have been undergoing intense psychiatric treatment for this and I am only now ready to talk about it.

So, there's the tale of two cheese steak places . . .We'll call them Pat's and Geno's for lack of better names. I even happen to have a photo of these fictitious places. Not sure how I conjured them up, but alas.

We had DP's sister here to visit us from Minneapolis, and we thought it would be fun to go get a real south Philadelphia Cheese steak. After all, they are famous, and some places are even making headline news.

We head down to the city for some fun, and as lunch time approaches our stomachs are aching for some cheese steak. We find a perfect, and close parking space-which by the looks of the surroundings was quite a find! We approach the corner and we see our two options. Sister says that she's been to Pat's before and thinks we should go there. We have no loyalties, and so we go.

First of all, the line was wrapped around the building. Once could only hope this meant that the steaks they had were to die for-literally since as you can see in the above pictures, people stand in the middle if the street for these things at Geno's.

Secondly, we are noticing the line moving quickly-though still quite long with storm clouds looming ahead. This is good cause as I mentioned before, we were hungry. Still unsuspecting of what was to come, we dream of our cheese steaks and fries. What would we do in the event of rain? Nothing would deter us from our mission.

As we round the corner where we see the counter, the anticipation grows and we become nervous. Things are moving very quickly, and we rapidly take in the sign that gives you instructions on how to order.Easy enough, right? We get nearer the counter and things are moving at breakneck speed. We see meat flying, onions flying, and hear lots and lots of yelling. Turns out the way they keep the line moving is to YELL at you. "Have your money ready" Let's Go, Let's go" What do you want?" Let's go, let's go" Move it, Move it" I am scared . . .

Let me set the scene. There is a window that says steaks only, and we are thinking we want steaks and fries. We are not sure if you can order all those items at this window. Thinking it is like a cheese steak express line, we go to the next window, which we are yelled at again and told now that it is only for fries and drinks. We try and BACKTRACK to the steak window, which has now processed about 50 people in one minute and those people are not liking the fact that we are now trying to get back there. Everything is moving so quickly that I have forgotten how to order-I need the Cliff's notes and I can't think, I am being yelled at, and I have no freaking idea what I want. There's no time to think when ordering your cheese steak in Philly. DP ended up with a cheese steak with cheese wiz on it cause she didn't know what she was doing and got scared, and I got mine mostly right, but I had a ton of onions as I guess I uttered the code word for butt load of onions.

Then we are thrown our sandwiches and change, literally, and the dictator starts yelling again, "MOVE IT, MOVE IT". We get to the next window and there is more yelling, more money throwing, and little time to think. Finally we all walk away with cheese steak and half filled fountain drinks and some fries. We look stunned. We try and find the ketchup station, and after we locate that and look for a table, we find that there is none to be found. We end up sitting on a stoop of an abandoned store with our food across the street.

Let me add in here that it is not too long ago that I was heavily medicated for OCD, and we are sitting here with greasy steaks, fries, on a dirty stoop-- with 2 napkins to share between the three of us. None of this matters now because we have the beloved Philly cheese steak in hand, and we have the battle wounds to prove it. The anticipation is too much to handle and we bite in with such abandon . . .only to find . . .

it's a cheese steak. . . Nothing special .. .after all that we'd had such high expectations and were quite disappointed. The fries were cold, the steak was greasy, and all together a waste of a few million calories.

So there you have it. Between the yelling, the dirty eating accommodations, the million calories, and disappointing finish, you can see why I have affectionately called this Post traumatic cheese steak syndrome.

I say next time we stick to this cheese steak place-Tony Luke's in Philadelphia. The steaks were better when we went last year with DP's family, and there was no psychological abuse involved. I drove by the scene of the event yesterday and I began to shake. I am sure in the distance I saw flying cheese steaks and heard the sounds of screaming men-just as I put the pedal to the metal and drove far, far away.

The End.

Weekend Teaser

OK, so stay tuned for an upcoming post on the following:

1. Post Traumatic Cheese steak syndrome
2. Why I spent an hour quacking like a duck this weekend
3. What I saw hanging from a store front window

uh, well, that's doesn't sound as impressive as I thought it might . . .

It will. You. just.wait!

In Memory of Buster

This is Buster. Buster came to live with me and my family on February 14, 1992. I was a freshman in high school, and my brother and his girlfriend at the time brought her home on an impromptu trip to the SPCA. They no sooner dropped her off at my parents house, and then they left. Sure, they tried to take care of her, but they really didn't care much, and he was a senior in high school--read--> wasn't very responsible. Well, much to our surprise, Buster was a fabulous puppy--after the initial getting to know you time. She was small when we got her, and she and I bonded very quickly.

This was also around the time when things at home were crappy, and Buster and I were inseparable. We went for walks when the shit hit the fan, or when I needed a break. We slept together each night. She was my shoulder to cry on a great deal of the time. I remember one time I was taking Buster to obedience school, and we were stuffed into this small car, and Buster was farting up a storm. It was awful-we had the windows down and it was snowing out . . .it was funny!

Well, I moved to college in the summer of 1995, and Buster stayed with mom and dad. They loved that dog to pieces. She learned how to lick my dad's feet-which I personally think is SERIOUSLY gross-but the dog we had before taught her how to do that and she carried on the tradition. She was known to give you big, sloppy, wet kisses right after slurping from the water bowl. Mom used to say "cleanliness is next to godliness" when she would do that.

Buster has been going down hill for a while. She had many health problems including renal failure, hearing loss, and sometimes the inability to walk. Whenever I had seen her the last two years or so, I would encourage her to "go toward the light". I also made sure to nudge my mom about how she needed to let her go before she was in too much pain.

On Friday afternoon, my mom decided it was time. Buster had been having problems getting up, and finally she was unable to move her back legs and tail. Mom called the vet's office and they came to the house and put her to sleep with mom and dad there. Mom couldn't even call us-but she sent an email.

Now, my mother-for all of her faults-is an animal lover to the CORE. I am glad that I have gotten this trait from her. Her dogs were treated better than I was at times--but that is a whole other session ;) She was very saddened by this, but when I talked with her today, she stated that she doesn't feel as bad as she thought, since she knew it was time.

We saw Buster two weeks ago, and got some photos her and Addie. Take a look.

Have fun up there ole girl. We will all miss you very much.

Missing in Action

Boy, having a puppy makes for some "ruff" work. I tell you, this sure is good training for having a kid.

Addie is doing well. She enjoys the dog park and playing with her friend Casey next door. She was taken to the vet and she determined the runny bottom was from Giardia, which was treated, and then came back--or more accurately never went away entirely. More antibiotics and special food. She still seems to have some trouble with her back leg, and she suggested we have some x-rays done to see what's going on. We will wait a while for this, but will start giving her glucosamine. She seemed to be doing better, but then yesterday we did a lot-went to dog park in AM, Valley Forge Park in PM, and played with Casey in afternoon . . .so today she seems to be in some pain and is doing a good deal of sleeping.

She continues to be such a good dog for the most part. She wakes consistently at 6:15am, and she is ready to play. Then she plays and passes out. Waking up early makes the day seem to start much better. I can still get in my exercise and when I am done it is not even 7am. Some days I do have to admit I wish she would sleep in, and DP try to get into a routine of who will get up with her. I guess once we know she is ok by herself we can just go back to bed, but she is so much fun in the AM that we want to play as well. We are looking into training for her, and have started to work on the clicker with her.

I seem to have more energy than I have noticed in the past. We were all walking last week and DP asked me to slow down. Now this has never happened, as usually I am the one poking around not walking fast. I like the new energy . . .

Then just as I was all jazzed up last week, I got my period. I haven't had it in about 6 months, so I know I shouldn't complain, but I will, for a second. It hurts, a lot. I don't know if that is normal, but maybe 6 months is too long. I think I will see the doc and see if BC pills are in order again. They raised my BP so much before that I came off them, but maybe there is something better now. The periods were regular for about 6 months, then they disappeared again. Oh well, it is mostly over now, so hopefully the energy will come back---AND the eating everything in sight will end!!!

Easter was really good. We went to my parents home, and brother

and family were there for Saturday. We celebrated Saturday as

they were leaving for Texas on Sunday. Little Tyke is staying here between both sets of grandparents for a few weeks until they get settled. He thought the puppy was great fun and wanted to walk her-A LOT! We put two leashes on her so he could hold one, and I the other. He is at such a fun age--makes it even harder to think about them being so far away.

On another really neat note--I decided the week before Easter that I was ready to forgive my brother--ready to let it all go and be something in my past. I said a prayer that it would feel right, and it has. I feel so much better about him and the future of our relationship. I know it doesn't change the lasting effects, and I trust they will dissipate as well in time. May not sound like a lot, but it is HUGE for me.

What else . . .work is fine. We found out that a grant we applied for has come through, so I am guaranteed a job now until at least the end of Feb. 2009. This has helped me to feel more settled, and I think the agency is seeing that the work I am doing is good and valuable. I also feel a bit more comfortable with some of them and that makes going to the office easier. I have been asked by another company for my resume, and yet another agency called me this week to ask me to consider a job. It is good to know that others like what I am doing, and I hope that in a time when I may need another job, that the same opportunities are present.

I have decided to finish my certification that would allow me to do school social work. I am one class and a seminar short of competing the work, but when I was offered an internship at CHOP I couldn't give that up to finish the hours needed for the school social work. So I will take on class in the fall and then have to do a weekend seminar. Then 375 hours of a school placement and then I will be finished. It would be nice to get a job on the school calendar and teacher pay scale . . .

I hope all is well in your corners. I will now be off to check out some blogs I haven't read in a while.

Oreo and her death defying stunts!

Look how close they are . . they are getting better . . .

While at my folks, she loved the dog bed, but often found herself in this predicament . . didn't seem to mind and one day slept there for close to 2 hours!!

Introducing Addie!

Here she is!!

She is such a doll so far-though I have to say the most stinkiest dog I have EVER stunk. Good thing we were able to secure a bath for her this morning. She looks really big in the photo, but she isn't that large. We weighed her last night at the store where we went to get her food and she weighs 36.5lbs. She is still quite underweight which you can tell when she lays down-her whole ribcage sticks up . . .

I brought her home yesterday and she got in, and sat in the car very nicely. When we arrived home we played in the backyard for a bit, but she mostly she wanted to lay in the sun and sleep. I thought this was a good idea to maybe air her out a bit?! While out there I crammed all the info I could from two books on GS--be careful, I am MUCH MUCH wiser now after all that cramming!

Then when DP got home, we headed to the pet store which BTW, we love. If anyone is in the area and has pets, please use this place. There we looked a food, some more toys, poopy bags, and a training collar. There were two little girls that just loved her, and while I was a bit nervous, she handled herself beautifully! We are both very impressed by her so far.

When we got home, she ate dinner and then afterwards went out and pooped and peed!! YEAH Addie. After that she was pretty much pooped. We took some photos, set up the crates, and then settled her in.

I have been awake on and off for most of the night to listen for signs of needing to go out, but she was konked out. I finally took her out at 4 am thinking it would help ME to be able to go back to sleep, but as you can tell by the 5am writing time of this, that did not happen.

As I type, she is sleeping in th crate next to me. I can't wait until she is clean and I can hug her-though I will need to be sure I don't squeeze her eyeballs out . . .she's really cute! Ok, enough rambling.

Ohh Myyy Goodness . . .

Guess who's going to get a puppy in less than one HOUR???

I am FREAKING out! OMG, OMG, I guess dog (god--i actually typed dog first?!?) really does answer prayers . . .or something. I don't think I am ready, what if I mess her up, oh dear, oh my, i am so jacked up on caffeine and nerves that i don't even know what to do. i am trying to absorb as much of the puppy training book as i can before 3:30 . . .i don't have much time and i am a slow reader and OMG, what if I mess up . . .what if she poops in the house . . .what if I poop in the house . . .the cat is never going to forgive us . . if I need so much warning then she should at least have some warning . . i tried to sit her down to reassure her that no matter what happens in the next few hours that we love and adore her deeply--she just rolled over and meowed and demanded that I rub her belly. i feel this is the last time that i will see her a long time . . .OMG

Ok, deep breath. In and out. In and out. OOOOOMMMMMMGGGGGGGGG. Not working

I should go, i am losing precious reading time . . .can you even IMAGINE how I will be when/if we adopt a baby???? Watch out world . . .

***BREAKING NEWS***

We have some breaking news to share with people. NO, we are NOT pregnant-but if we were--HOLY MIRACLE!

Nope! Not that. OK, so on Saturday we were volunteering for this great marathon training program for inner city kids that my agency sponsors (I need to interject here that we were not volunteering because we can actually RUN or anything, it was more like they needed bodies and we could do it. We specified that we could not run before we agreed) . We were SOAKED as it poured bucket Saturday. . .and I do mean soaked from the rain because it was down pouring when we left, and as previously mentioned, we do not run. Soaked and cold we stopped for soup and sandwiches for lunch, and then we thought we would mosey on over to the animal shelter across the street.

Now, DP and I should never go into those places. We got our beloved kitty there a few years back. See, we would take home almost every critter there is-well-there was this one funky looking dog that, no offense, we would NOT take home, and another that had a sign that said don't bother me . . . Alas, we go in and what do we see in the second to last cage???

A GERMAN SHEPHERD PUPPY!!! Yes, you read me right. There, before our eyes, was a beautiful 5 month old girl. We looked at each other and knew we needed to play with her. While waiting to play, we filled out an application thinking "what are the chances" given there are other people interested. When we finally did get to play, she was fun and gentle and oh so very cute. We decided that if it was meant to be, we would be called.

Now, I have to admit, the idea of getting a puppy now was not really on my mind. I am slow to warm up to new ideas, and the puppy coming over the summer is what I was planning on and I was right on course for accepting this new challenge. This is a whole new twist. We talked, and waffled, and sort of decided that we probably shouldn't get her. We thought DP's parents would think we were nuts---though it turns out they have gone MAD since they thought getting puppy 1 now and puppy 2 over the summer was a fantastic idea!! WTF???

To make a long story longer, we decide last night that we will go back today and visit said puppy and bring a toy to play with. Turns out she has runny bottom and cannot come out and play. We knew the other day that she was being cared for by the vet for a few things related to the condition in which she was found-which was extremely underweight and sick. We go back to talk with her and give her pets, and she is markedly more perky today. She is excited by the ball I brought, but we can't figure out how to get it in. I notice that I can slip out the food bowl and slip in the ball--I will do this even though I am probably not allowed. She is very excited and goes after the ball, and before you know it the ball escapes to the corner of the cage and down a drain . . .she is going nutso knowing there is a ball now that she can't get- that I shouldn't have given her. She will most likely lose her mind now and we will have to send her to doggy therapy, though maybe she is resilient and we won't have to go there.

We say our goodbyes and then go back to the front counter and ask if we can add something to our application, and the lady asks us our name, and then the guy standing back there says don't bother, as soon as she is well she is going home with you two---W H A T?????

He (turns out to be the manager) said that pending a vet check she would be going home with us. I was very excited, and scared shitless at the same time. I little 8lb cat is the largest 4 legged critter I have had to be responsible for, and she is very independent-though slightly neurotic.

Here's the deal-as soon as she starts pooping normally, she can come home to us. Now I am hoping this man has not said this to everyone, and I don't know why he would. We went to the store and bought a crate and bowls, and a few sturdy chew toys-oh, and nail clippers and shampoo. On another note, I bathe everything, even the guinea pigs, however, I am anticipating that bathing said puppy might be a bit more challenging. I can be challenged . . .

Now we wait. Wait for a call that she has stopped the runny bottom and that we can take her home. We had a name picked out for the new pup, but we are thinking that we can give this pup the name and think of another for new pup. We will go back to visit on Friday and take some pictures this time.

This is so exciting and nerve wracking, and OMGGGGG!!

Oh, and by the way I am really hyper tonight in case you couldn't tell that via this rambling blog post, but our kitty has taken to a new hobby. This would be jumping to the top of our closet door and walking along the VERY thin door. She doesn't stop there, nope, not our kitty. She then takes to the molding on TOP of the doorway. Yes, my friends, our kitty has done what I have NEVER seen a kitty do before. I will try and get pics to show you-it is breathtaking!

I need to wind down as it is almost bed time and I have a long day tomorrow.

I will let all 6 of you know IMMEDIATELY when we acquire said puppy!!! If you are the praying sort, pray for no runny bottom (are we allowed to ask god for that?)

10 minutes with god . . and the bike

Ok, update. Our women's small group has been trying to keep each other accountable to reading the bible daily and praying. Last week I did this about 4 days.

I have also wanted to get into more of a routine with exercising. We have decided to give up our gym membership in preparation for having a puppy that we will need to walk-and the nicer weather-, and we'd become lax in using the facilities we were paying for . . .some of us more than others, but none the less I came up with the brilliant idea of not paying for the gym and getting an elliptical since that is what we mostly use at the gym anyways, and we already have a recumbent bike and some weights. We also live really close to a really quiet cemetery with big hills.

So, I had the idea this week to try and do at least 10 minutes each morning on the bike, and in that time I can pray and read the bible . . of course while riding and lifting my weights. Talk about multitasking. I did walk in the cemetery the other day when it was BEAUTIFUL out, but it has been inside for me the last few days. I think I feel more awake and alert, and this morning I hadn't even realized I exceeded my 10 minutes. Tomorrow I work from home and meet a special friend for coffee, but I will try and walk in the AM if nice out.

I know 10 minutes isn't a lot, but I figured I could work myself into a routine and then add time later. Now I am spending more time in the basement, which will be perfect for me when I finally start making use of the beanie space.

I did look at carpet remnants to put down, but I haven't found anything I like, and I have NO money. This getting smaller thing and needing new clothing is not working for me. I was going down the driveway the other day to collect the trash bin and I nearly lost my pants-and we live on a major road . . .this would NOT have been pretty for anyone involved. I am finally back to losing, so that is good. I am up to 16lbs.

Oh well. In other news, I feel completely conflicted about my voting choices, but that is a whole other post.

Oh, and guess who is going to see James Taylor AGAIN after she sees him for the first time, and this time in like the 2nd row??? Give up??? ME, and DP, and RHB. This is going to be one crazy summer!!! I think I might need a diaper . . .

Gremlins

Not only have they remained, but I think they have taken out a lease on my chest . . .

Brief update-

1. Guess who is going to see James Taylor this summer???? hehe

2. Went to visit the folks this weekend and it was good. We just went up for a few hours yesterday, and we saw my brother and SIL and little tyke. He is at a fun age right now . .I am going to miss seeing him. Therapist and I are working on NOT getting so caught up in my parents drama, and it seems to be catching on. I feel less and less like I need to meddle. Then we met friend on the way home for dinner. Good times despite the drowning in snot part.

3. I have been listening to this sermon series by a guy named Rob Bell . . .I have a crush on Rob Bell . . .I have talked about this before I think. He is great and I love most of what he has to say-and how he says it. In any case, I have been listening to a sermon series on Philipians, and he has been talking about Grace and Peace. He suggested that when we begin to go on a rant about how incompetent we think we are, or how horrible we feel, or how we can do nothing right, that we remind ourselves about Grace and Peace. When someone is mean to us, or we feel upset by something someone did-remembering grace and peace. Or how great it would be if we all felt comfortable enough with others to interrupt them when they are being discouraging toward themselves or others and remind them-grace and peace. no condemnation here-why are you holding onto this??? I am not sure why this series is affecting me so, but I am taking it in and I think it is helping a tiny tiny bit to challenge the way I think about myself.

4. I did begin to work on the beanie shack in the basement, and actually have the scrapbooking stuff down in the basement now. I still need to work on a rug of some sort, but I got a great table and a fairly comfy chair at Costco last weekend and was very excited to get things moving down there. But, alas, there has been no movement on the scrapbooking front since last weekend.


Ok, off to do some reading and rest. I have a long day tomorrow. . .

Yes, I know . .

I am becoming one of those people who doesn't update her blog for a really long time. Just when I have record numbers of readers . . .like 10 now . . .and I drop the ball.

I promise one will come this weekend. I am feeling little gremlins in my throat and chest . . .I hope they go away soon. I.don't.like.them!

Hope all is well.

Basement workspace

OK, so I have a project in mind. We have a basement-which I have tried to convince my DP is finshable, and she adamantly states that it is not. I get that it may not be finshable, but I feel that it is a good space none the less.

Let me rewind- I have always longed for a space of my own. I have referred to this space as a proverbial "beanie shack". Now if you knew my real name, this title would sound much more fun, but in the name of anonymity, we shall call it a beanie shack.

Ok, so said beanie shack would be a place where I would just be free to create, draw, paint, write, lounge whatever. I have envisioned this place to be small, cozy, must have a comfy bean bag or chair. I have, at times, envisioned it having wall to wall space that I could paint on, or write on when I felt inspired. Are you getting a picture? Any small space I see, I think, "oh, that would make a great beanie shack" DP thinks I am a nut job, and I am ok with this.

Back to the basement-so I have had this bright idea to make a corner of the basement into a quasi beanie shack. Mostly because I thought I would like to do more scrapbooking, and I don't have a place to do that here, but also because I think the basement is ok. I know the walls don't look great, and the ceiling is . . .well, the ceiling has lots and lots of bugs, but they can be sucked up. Overall, it is a dry space, and I am determined to make a corner of it a piece of my own.

I have decided that I will have a table in the one corner, and I will obtain a carpet remnant to put down. Then, thanks to a suggestion from my DP, I will use this purple sheet that I have to cover the walls-since the foundation is stone, you see the stone and the crumbly white stuff on the stone (how's that for technical terminology). We were out and about tonight and I bought a small Ott lamp. There is some light, and we just got glass block windows installed down there, but I thought having something brighter would be useful. Then I can put all of my scrapbooking stuff down there, and work on it when I want. I don't have to worry about cleaning it up all the time, and not having space. Perhaps someday I will even have a bean bag chair down there . . .specifically I would want a love sac . . .but that's for when I win the lottery, and/or we build a garage with a space above which will have a beanie space in it.

Maybe once I finish it I will post some pictures. I am very excited about this!!!

Oh, I don't know what to title this

Good Evening-and welcome to another installment of my life. This has been a rough week-though I think I am coming out the other side intact.

I have been having such a rush of emotions and feelings that I think I was like a computer that had gotten stuck. I needed to reboot and I think I am running a bit better now-that is until I got an email from my mother announcing that the move to TX is official-and I saw their house listed on Realtor.com. I was hoping for that minute chance that things would fall through-and I know that is mean and inconsiderate-and I don't care! I did muster up A LOT of enthusiasm the last time I spoke to them, and they did offer to help fly us down there to visit.

Then in other news, I just felt like this week I was in the pits. I think I cried every day, and that is just not like me. I saw the shrinky dink on Monday, and then I called to see if she would be willing to see me again this week, and she did. She actually came out in the crappy snow day to see me-and I found out all her other clients canceled, but she still came to see me--I felt special. We had a good session, and she suggested that perhaps instead of looking for all the validation and love from my folks that I will not get, that I allot that energy to other things. Novel Idea-I know. She said that I should not keep asking them how they are-which will inevitably lead to mom telling me how bad she feels, and how this is wrong and that is wrong-yet they do nothing to change their circumstances. Instead I am to talk to them about anything else-the weather, the books I am reading, the things DP and I are doing. Reallocating all this energy is supposed to help me feel better, and realize those around me that do love and care for me. I think next week we will work on how to accept all that . . .acceptance is something I have a hard time with.

Accepting the life I have been given, accepting my medical conditions, accepting the challenges I have each day, accepting the GOOD things, accepting me for who I am. All of who I am. The slightly larger, rounder self. The self that has bags, and sags, and rolls and lumps and zits, and sometimes two chins and a bum shelf.

I also met with the church lady this week. I wanted to meet with her because I had been feeling out of sorts with god. I had been feeling like this sexuality thing is getting in the way of me and god. Not the way others might think, but in the way like this. I don't believe that god would make me gay, and then persecute me for that. With that said, given the hellacious week I was having, I was failing to turn to god. After all, I am going to hell for being a lesbian, so why should I pray. Why should I go to church, why this and why that. So I thought I would meet with the church lady to check things out. I said to her that I felt like I needed to be relying on god right now, but felt like I couldn't. Like it was all fake anyway and didn't mean anything since I couldn't change myself, and would always then be a perpetual sinner in the eyes of the church and god if I didn't change my sinful ways. Her response was very loving and gentle, and she said perhaps I just needed to be open to what god was doing-whatever that was. She didn't say that meant god was going to lead me away from this, or toward this . . that I just needed to be open. Then we got into a discussion about whether I thought god loved me the way I was, and I said no. She then proceeded to tell me that she wondered if I was looking at god much the same way I look at my parents-as judgmental and conditionally loving. She reminded me that god loves me the way I am . . .that's it. Then I went to home team, and we watched a video by one of my favorite people-Rob Bell-and the end of his message was that there is nothing that we can do to make god love us any less. nothing. Ok, I get it.

I started to pray again. Now, I don't feel like I am out of the woods yet, but at least I feel less conflicted about it.