Weigh in

I know I am a few days late, but I lost another .2 lbs this week for a grand total of 10.1 lbs. I wish it had been more, but I am fine with slow and steady.

We did have a yummy dinner tonight of Whole wheat pasta, pesto, and chicken. It was yummy. Wished we had some pine nuts, but we didn't.

I hope the added carbs don't mess me up too much. I figure at least they are better carbs.

Until next week . . .

Long week

It has been a long week over here. Not so much like I did a lot, I am just ready for a break. I will take most of the day tomorrow off, as I am working all day Saturday.

Mom is doing much better . . .she is ready to come home, but they aren't sure when that will happen. She will have another surgery tomorrow to put in a port so she can have iv antibiotics for the next 8 weeks. They still haven't identified what the bacterias are that she has, and that will be important to know how to treat her. Looks like her foot is staying put. She does have a big open wound that they created when they cleaned it out and put in the drain, and they said that will eventually heal from the inside out.

I appreciate everyone's prayers and thoughts, and know she does too. I have talked to her and dad everyday this week . . .that's more than I've talked to them all year .. .ok, I know the year just started, but you get the idea.

I have been spending time with my little friend who has leukemia and her family. I watched the older sister yesterday and we had fun with the camera and video feature on my phone. Ever want to entertain a 5 year old for an hour, just give em your cell phone camera!! Today I was at the hospital for a visit with mom.

My older bro and I thought it would be a good idea for Dad to have a cell phone since he is doing a lot of driving. So I went and got him one of those prepaid phones while I was there last weekend--I think it has been entertaining to watch him trying to figure it out. He called me several times wondering why it was beeping at him and stuff. Of course I wasn't there when this was happening to be able to troubleshoot, but I wanted to tell him to go find a teenager and have the show him what to do. My daddy's moving into the 21st century-I am proud!

I am ready for my therapist to be back. She has been gone for two weeks, and it has been about 3 weeks since I have seen her. I think I did fine while she was away, but it's time!

Not much else. I will go to the gym tomorrow and then work some and then try and relax. Hope you all have fun weekends planned!

Update on mom

Hey-thanks for the prayers and stuff . . .It was such a long day and I was just terribly distracted for most of it . .though not distracted in a good way-just aloof.

I finally called the hospital at 4:45 because I hadn't heard anything, and I actually spoke to mom. She said things went well-they opened her foot and drained it and put in a drain so that they can keep getting the yucky stuff out. Dad later told me that they said the tendons and ligaments looked good, and that they took a bone culture just to be sure. I guess that will determine if there's anything more they would need to do . . .also they took cultures of the infection that will determine the course of action with antibiotics. Still not sure if she is coming home anytime soon. They said they will leave the foot open-EWWWW- until it heals some more. I can't imagine how that works, but ok.

I am glad it is over, and so is she. More waiting to hear from the doc tomorrow, but things are looking up.

A foot to stand on . . .

I am praying right now that by this time tomorrow my mother still HAS her two feet to stand on. I saw her today at the hospital and things aren't looking as good as I was hoping. The doc just kept saying "I won't know until I get in there . . ."

Surgery is tomorrow at 2pm. If she loses her foot . .either now or even soon, it will mean a whole lot of changes . . .none of which I think any of us are ready for. Not that you are ever ready for that, but still. And yeah, I know, BLAH BLAH BLAH, at least she will still have her life. I get that . . .it doesn't make it any easier. She will use this as an excuse to give up. I know her . . .

I am so weary of family drama, and I just want to run away from it all . . .I want my head to stop spinning . . .I want to stop looking at gory pictures of infections on Google, and I want everything to be ok.

Is this all too much to ask for?

I did have a good dinner with my dad last night and we talked some. It was hard to leave him today, but I needed to come home.

If you pray, please do so. If you send energy, please do so. If you do nothing but send thoughts, please do so. I will keep you posted.

Just sh*tty

I'm feeling cruddy today. Found out mom's in the hospital with a really bad infection in her foot. Damn it . .I have so many "mom" issues to deal with. I wish it weren't so hard.

Saw the Kite Runner tonight-good movie, but wayyy intense. I also watched the sister of my little friend who is in the hospital . . she was fun, but I got the call about my mom while watching her, and then I went right to the movie. I held it together until a sad song came on the radio a few miles from home and then the damn burst.

I had one of those cries that comes from your toes and leaves you hurting afterwards . . .

Weight loss Check in

OK, so we had our weigh in today and I am down another 3.8 lbs for a two week grand total of 9.9 lbs. I feel really good about what I am doing. Even though this past weekend I engaged in some forbidden food eating at our party-namely a two pieces of crusty whole wheat bread, a 1/2 cookie, and a small piece of cheese pie.

I started back at the gym today, and boy and I feeling sore. I did about 45 minutes of cardio and worked my upper body.

So I don't know if anyone out there watches the Biggest Loser, but I am a fan-though I think their typical weekly weight losses are CRAZY . . .aside from that, I watch Jillian and I think about all the wonderful ways she could kick my booty into gear. I watch Bob and Kim and I think, nope, I would need Jillian yelling at me all the way. I give lots of credit to the folks on the biggest loser, as I think I would positively DIE if I were on there-even before I started working out, cause I'd have to get weighed in a sports bra . . .and that my friends, would NOT be pretty!

Randomness

Helloooooooo!! I have been missing in action since the vomitous day, but I am back and full of random thoughts which I will now impart onto you.

1. There is a new man in my life. His name is Daniel and I love him. We have only been in a relationship for a few days, but already I feel such intense passion for him. We did have one argument so far, but I profusely apologized to him for not listening to his advice. He didn't even seem to mind, and moved as if it didn't even affect him. He has the most beautiful British accent, though he seems to have some issues with articulation which I am learning to look past. He looks very sleek and svelte . . .He is persistent and anticipates my needs, far before I even know what they are. And when I don't listen to him, he simply restates or finds another way to get his point across. Ah, love has finally come to me and given me the direction I have been longing for.

2. I have gotten my period. Now I know I have absolutely NO right to complain, especially since I get my period like twice a year. But I was going about my day this week, and out of no where body says "Oh, I think I will make you hemorrhage now. Just for fun." Well whoopdeededamndoo. I am a normal girl for a change. I would take being an abnormal girl over this crap.

3. My little friend is still struggling a lot-in an out of the hospital. They sent her home last Friday with a feeding tube, and by Tuesday she was back. She has some gastrointestinal infection going on and she apparently looks like she is 9 months pregnant. They keep sending her home, readmitting her, sending her home. It is driving her family bonkers, and I feel so damn helpless. I don't even know what to say. What do you say to someone who is watching their 4 year old go through this? I have given up saying anything profound and I am at saying "Oh, this really sucks."

4. I am feeling huge sense that the people I work with do not like me-or just don't care to have anything to do with me. I mean, some are nice to me, but others wouldn't say Boo if I stood right in front of them. Not that they have to, but it has been hard to not have co-workers that I see regularly, and I am trying to be self-motivated and such, but sometimes you just want to shoot the breeze with someone, you know. I think there should be a place for folks that work at home to gather periodically. Like a home school club for home workers. Maybe this is what Starbucks is for.

5. The weight loss plan is going very well, though the goal to move more this week hasn't been as fruitful. I did manage to rack up some activity, but not as much as I would have liked. I guess it is ok since I was sick, and I am hemorrhaging after all. We did a mid week weigh in, and I am about 2 lbs away from my bottom weight the last time we did this. I will surely surpass that this week I hope, then I will be smaller than I have ever been in recent history. Which, for those that don't know me is still miles and miles away from where I want to be, but I am proud none the less.

Hmm . . .I guess that is it. I hope this was as good for you as it was for me.

Oh, and a shout out to RHB who has been jonesing for a computer since hers had to be fixed. She is finally breathing better now that she has unadulterated access to the Internet again. That was a long week for her!!

Needed: Barf bucket

I got the barfies . . and not the good kind either.

OK, really, I just threw up majorly this morning, but now my stomach feels like a wreck. I had to go to work cause I had 4 visits, and not really other times I could reschedule them for. All day I just prayed for bathrooms to appear when I needed them.

I have a meeting tomorrow that I rescheduled because I didn't feel good-that was the coming off of the carb high day. Sheesh-

I thought this new diet thing was supposed to make me feel better.

Oh well. I lost 6.1 lbs this week.

That'll do pig, that'll do.

How we gonna pay ..

Guess who's going to see RENT tomorrow??? OK, give up??

I am!!! I am very excited. RHB got me tickets for my birthday and she and I will going into town tomorrow and see it at the Academy of Music. I have seen this show 7 times now I think (3 times with RHB), and each time I walk away with a new appreciation for life, the challenges if it, and the wonder and magic of friends and loved ones.

If you have never seen it, you should. I also have the movie and that was a pretty good adaptation of the play, and even starred most of the original Broadway cast.

Things here are going well. I think I am beyond the withdrawal of carbs and sugar, and I am now feeling really good. We had a fabulous dinner tonight of Alice Springs Chicken and caesar salad from Outback. That place is great for low carbing. We went for a walk yesterday in the cemetery and then we went and visited a local dog park to check it out-you know you can never be too prepared! There were a ton of dogs and we are just longing for the day we have a woofy to bring there and play. I thought it was funny-throughout the park they have scoopers and signs that have funny little sayings on them about picking up poop and such. Oh I simply cannot wait!!

We also recently saw the Great Debaters. It was a fabulous movie and I highly recommend it. I also really like Denzel Washington and have seen most of his movies.



OK, off to bed. I have 3 home visits tomorrow before going to pick up RHB for our date!!!

Hope all is well-Hi to the new visitors here--Tom and Lynilu!! Nice to have some new-and increased readership. Hang on, and enjoy the ride!

Word of God

What a few days it has been. I am seriously detoxing from the crap I have been filling myself with. Yesterday I was just hungry, and today I just felt nauseous most of the day. Amazing I would choose to eat things that make me feel this bad when I don't have them. You would think I would learn.

I had to curb my water intake this morning as well, since I am on the road visiting with families I cannot just pee when I want. Luckily the first visit I went to had a bathroom I felt ok using. My second family wasn't there when I showed up, and so I went to the third one a bit earlier. I was feeling crummy about my job performance tonight, and then I thought today was probably NOT the best day to evaluate things of such importance.

Instead I just kept listening to this song that I love. Just very comforting to me . . .music is so very comforting to me. I would choose music over anything else-like TV or movies, or anything. I find I connect most to music. These are the lyrics that are comforting to me tonight. May you find something as comfortable when you feel crummy . . .


Word of God Speak

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

Happy New year . . .Maybe!

Things around here have been busy . . .we did the whole holiday and birthday thing, and then yesterday we headed up to the folks house to celebrate my brother's birthday and just have random family time. We saw extended family that we have not seen in a few years. Funny how kids get older and when you last saw them they were in like, diapers, and now they are playing football in middle school . . .

Something interesting happened. I have two cousins . .they are about 34 and 37 years old. The oldest has a daughter that is about 9 years old. My brother, who has down syndrome just turned 37. Now he is cognitively about the age of a 7/8 year old, and doesn't think that he is "special". So the last time we visited this cousin and family was for my dad's birthday party in November. While there, my brother kept telling little cousin that he loved her, and wanted to write letters to her, and wanted to hug her. It got to be a bit much and we tried to redirect him as much as we could, but she just did not understand why this grown man was saying this stuff to her, and he didn't understand why he should NOT say/do these things. Now while her mother had grown up with my brother, these kids are relatively new to my brother since we see each other so infrequently.

Also while we were there for the birthday celebration last month, there was a comment made to the effect that the kids didn't need to know about DP and I just yet . .they weren't ready for that. God forbid they should know their cousin is a lesbo . . .

Before yesterdays' visit, my mom received a call from cousin saying that her daughter just felt really uncomfortable around my brother and that they were coming, but to be aware that she was not really comfortable around him and wanted her to approach him, and thought is best that he not approach her. Now, he was on the phone eavesdropping the whole time, so when they came yesterday, he wanted to talk to her about it. It just made me a bit angry . . I guess because I take for granted that people should just accept and love him, but I recognize that at 37 years old, the things he does is not necessarily cute anymore. I think I also resent him and what it means to have him in my life at time, but that is a while other blog!!

I think most of all I feel out of control with the situation, because I know I have very little say over what happens in my brother's life now, and I would have spoken with him about how what he was doing was not appropriate. My mother yells as him a lot and he doesn't retain her direction because, I would imagine, he is using all his energy to ignore her . . .which many of us do. She is a lovely person, but she is miserable with her life and she has no ability to talk to people in a way that makes them want to help her. She is demanding and not very likable.

So many things running through my head . . .Anyway, it has just been busy. Today we have been lounging around and making preparations for returning to the Atkins diet starting tomorrow. We did this several years ago with great results. We will do it again for a bit, and then probably switch to something that is more focused on the Glycemic Index principles, which is the way they recommend people with PCOS eat. We'll see. I am not as excited as I was yesterday, I am just worried that I will get bored and not follow through--plus is requires consuming foods that have typically been on the list of foods that I don't feel comfortable eating in large quantities. We say away from much of the high fat stuff, but still. It is also much harder to do now that I have a job where I am out and about, great for the days I am home, but the other days could be tricky. Plus I am not looking forward to the inevitable detox from sugar and carbs . . .I am so thankful though that DP is doing this as well, sure does make it feel easier to deal with and manage!!

In any case, we will be going shopping soon and having one last carb filled dinner at Chipotle tonight.

I hope everyone's New Year is a fabulous one, and I look forward to many new adventures and experiences as I continue to focus on being "Exactly Where I am". Thanks everyone for joining me on the ride.

Birthday . . .

I know someone who might have a birthday today . . .hmm, I wonder who??

Things are going well. I am glad to have a little breathing room today with no serious deadlines and food that has to be done at certain times. I cannot believe how many dishes one has to do during a holiday! Even with a super-de-duper dishwasher, there's always dishes. Sheesh.

Also, so many carbs. Now, I LOVE carbs, but I cannot even look at another biscuit or bagel right now . . .

The morning went fast. Amazing how fast the gifts can be opened and excitement over when you have an almost 4 year old little tyke around. We were done opening, eating breakfast snack, and cleaned up all by 9am. Other brother did NOT like his gift, which I was sure he would like. We negotiated with him today to return it since it was expensive and we'll go with him to pick something else out. I am glad he was ok with that suggestion, because I would have been mad if he'd kept it and never played with it.

Last night was fun. RHB and friend came over and celebrated with us. We even played a few rounds of Scatagories. MUCH fun!!

We have dinner plans at a local restaurant tonight for that certain someone who may be having a birthday today. Should be good. We'll be joined by RHB and my other friend as well. I am looking forward to seeing them.

Hope you all had a great holiday!

Quick Update

We just got back from church and here are some highlights so far:

• my brother and family called yesterday and said "We're on our way to your house, we know it's a day early, but is that ok??"
  
• my dad, who can't drive at night, didn't arrive with the rest of the family last night until almost 6pm . . then realized he'd driven the whole way with no lights on the van . . .
• the cat isn't welcoming the idea of the dogs in the house . . .and has dust bunnies all over her from dodging in and out of various hiding places.
  
• the one psycho dog stayed up for hours last night whining and crying, which lead me to be really tired as I didn't get to bed until after that-and 3 doses of NyQuil
• little tyke and I made ornaments out of playdoh and discussed life in daycare
• We saw Santa on a fire truck today roaming around town
  
• We just went to church-and I cried through the first two songs . . .I am such a sap in my impending old age . . .I think I was so glad to just get out and feel the music . . .I love music and they had some awesome music there today . . .even got a few hugs!
  

Overall, I am doing alright. Not great, but not horribly.

In the still of the night

It's early, REALLY early in the morning and I have been awake for a few hours. I have been really sick the last few days, and I can't sleep really well. Could have something to do with the fact that I feel like I am drowning in snot when I lay down!! I started to take the red mucinex, and I wonder if it keeping me awake as well.

But I am enjoying the quiet-well, almost quiet, DP's snoring can get quite ruckus sometimes and the cat is wrapping herself around my hand as I type and purring quite ferociously--which by the way makes it VERY hard to type-not the purring, but the wrapping of one's furry little self around my hand so that I cannot move, much less type or use the mouse!! If you can read this, kitty, GET OFF!!

The family will be coming today, and DP got to do the cleaning yesterday as I was too sick to really move, much less clean. She's great that way and I am much appreciative. I am also so thankful that she has such a great attitude about my folks coming. I know it cannot be easy for her to listen to me talk about them and how stressed it makes me, but she is a good balance-and they love her!!

I am excited about them coming, and I do hope it is a fun time. My oldest brother hasn't seen the house yet, and so he will be so excited to see it, and "his room" where he has a bed. He has down syndrome, and still believes in Santa, OR knows that it is smart to still let people think you believe in Santa . ..either way he makes out well for being almost 37. It will be great with him and Little Tyke, who will be here also on Christmas morning. I can't believe he will be 4 soon. Where does the time go . . .

Ok, I should go. I don't know what I will go do, exactly, but I should go. . .

Well, maybe I could also tell you that we found a German shepherd kennel that has great puppies, excellent communication, and best of all are right in the neighborhood of DP's parents. This means we will try and get our much desired GS puppy over the summer when we are there. Hopefully it will do good on the long drive home!! We are very excited!! More to come on the acquisition of new furry friend, I am sure!!

Jesus Birthday Cake

The time is coming near . . .the time for me to turn 30!!!! I have the honor of sharing my birthday very, VERY close to Jesus'. What has this meant over the years . . .

I was made to share my birthday cake with Jesus . . year after year I had this guy who had top billing on the b-day cake.

Sometimes, when times were desperate, I also had to share the birthday cake not only with Jesus, but also my older brother who happens to have been born after Jesus and I, later in the month.

Jenster brought the idea up of the Jesus birthday cake, and I shuttered at the thought that for once I wanted my own damn cake. Jesus could make wine out of water, couldn't he have made his own chocolate cake with yummy icing?

I mean, seriously, come on now. Imagine being little and blowing out the candle . . .it's not like we had a million candles on the cake for all the years that Jesus was old, but he had to be written on the cake??? Couldn't we have made a cupcake for him-did he need ALL of MY cake??


Sheesh . . .I guess it is good that I am a good share-er. But still . . .

Mortified

Have you heard of the book Mortified?

It is a book about the journals of kids from when they were younger and how dramatic everything was back then.

I have always liked to journal, and in fact the other day I pulled some out and was perusing through them. I have about 9 of the big spiral bound sketch books that are filled with drama and tales of woe. I had some notebooks from later in high school, but a therapist turned lover (don't ask it is a whole other blog entry . . .which I am sure no one wants to hear about) encouraged me to burn them and "let them go".

The reason I had pulled them out is that they are in the same under bed bin that my yearbooks are in, and I was looking at my yearbooks from high school. Now why would I be doing this to myself? Well, while going to dinner one day we happened to see a girl I went to high school with. I live about 1 1/2 hours away from where I grew up, and when I left home I never wanted to see anyone from that god forsaken place again. Though this girl I saw at the deli was ok, and she happens to still be friends with a girl that was nice to me in school-there were very few. The other girl that I didn't see but who knows the girl I did see has been emailing with me.

Very weird to relive that time, and for me it was such a terrible time that I have very few memories of the whole thing to begin with-much less good ones. I am glad to have made this connection and hope that in it I can make peace with that time of my life and give myself permission to move on.

Therapy today was focused on allowing myself to live in the present and be ok with letting the past be . . .easier said than done, but I am committed to work on it. I will start by trying to not let myself be affected by my folks when they are here and the things I cannot change about them. I can choose to take care of myself, and that is all I am responsible for. I'll let you know how that works for me.

Hope all is well in your corners.

Food

Ok, so here's a post about food that has been a long time coming.

Food in our house was never a big deal. I can remember us all eating what we wanted-mostly. The boys and I would fight over who got to pick out the marshmallows from the Lucky Charms, and the cookies and Tastycakes were always counted so none went missing.

I have memories of us going to grandma's house on Sunday's for bagels and stuff, and holidays always had a great spread courtesy of my mother's side of the family. We are a small family, so gatherings were always fairly intimate.

I had the joy of being a fairly good gymnast. What that meant was that I spent hours in the gym on most days. This was all well and good until I was about 9 and my coach had a secret meeting with my mother. I was brought in and told that they would give me a prize if I was able to lose weight-just a little bit. I was so excited . . .little did I know that this would mean the end of the cakes and things I liked. It would be controlled food for the next few years. I remember getting a prize when I lost 10lbs-it was a white bear in a bride's outfit.

What I did not know is that this would throw me into a battle with my weight that was furious and unrelenting. I was throwing up and restricting by the time I was 12 and subsequently hospitalized at 12-for that and trying to hurt myself. I would continue this struggle with food through the middle of high school. After I quit gymnastics at age 16-after multiple injuries and a body that never quite worked the same, I quit.

Well, what happens to a body that is not training and not eating as strictly . . .it gains weight. I also never got my period during this time, and no one thought anything of it. I finally did get it at age 17, but it was sporadic and after a while just went away completely.

Off to college I went and in an effort to control my food again, I ate really only cereal and low fat, low calories foods. I was gaining weight like crazy, and I was also throwing up and restricting foods at times in dangerous ways. I was hospitalized several more times at the Renfrew Center, Rader Program, and the Belmont Center due to my eating disorder. I always felt weird though because I wasn't eating much, but I was gaining crazy amounts of weight. I was the fat girl at the eating disorder units and being there was never really helpful--I was the very thing most of those girls feared. What they didn't know is that I had no idea why I was gaining weight. I was seeing nutritionists and continued my love/hate relationship with food.

Finally, at age 20 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This would explain the weight gain, the sporadic periods, and several other things I was experiencing. Finally, there was a name for what I had. As I found out more, there was report after report about how hard it was for people with PCOS to lose weight after they'd gained it. When you have PCOS, among other things, your body doesn't process carbs properly, and eating once piece of bread was like eating a whole loaf. The best way to tackle food for this is a low carbohydrate diet. Great, the one thing I LOVE and I can't eat it without knowing that I am eating "bad food".

Now, I already had a list of good foods/bad foods from earlier on, and the low carb diets wanted you to eat meats, fats, dairy, oil . . .all the things I wasn't going to eat. I stuck out the low carb diet things for a while and saw great results-but I got bored. Gained weight back-not all, but some.

I then gave it all up and started eating what I wanted-none of which was in excess, but just not the lower carb, whole grain stuff I was supposed to for optimal health with the PCOS. Now I am trying to eat better carbs, and watch how many things I eat that are straight up carbs. I also have hypoglycemia and after eating sugary/carb filled things without protein, you can guarantee that I will be shaking in a matter of hours. I have been tested and retested for diabetes, and luckily I do not have that.

The medicines for PCOS are the meds they give folks with diabetes since typically someone with PCOS will have insulin resistance. I do not have the insulin resistance and the pooping-my-brains-out side effect was not worth it if it wasn't going to help. I took some of the other meds and had really bad side efffects-so now I take no meds. I will also not be looking to birth children, and the fact that I am unable really to have children is a whole other post.

I had worked with a trainer at the gym for a while and that was fantastic-while I could afford it and before I got hurt last December. I have lost some weight since then-about 20 lbs, and I have kept that off-thank God!

My relationship with food is still very disordered. I have lists of good and bad things, but I can generally understand why it is important to eat some things. I will throw up on occasion, but that is generally linked to the feeling of being too full. I don't do this often-and one of my topics in therapy is why I even have to do this at all. I'll let you know when I have that one figured out.

I wish that I could be smaller, and know that there are so many barriers to that happening the way I want it to. The fact that I have screwed up my body with years and years of restricting/purging . . .never really any binging, but lots of barfing . . .and the fact that I do not make the best choices. I have also had a myriad of health and medical things wrong with my body-both knees have been surgically altered, wrist has had some tendons reattached, bulging discs in my back flare up every once in a while. I feel so old and I am not even 30.

What I know I can do it make better choices about food and exercise, and I am going to do that starting January 1. I have the privilege of having DP wanting to also make some healthier changes, so I am looking forward to that added bonus of support as well. I get so so angry at my parents for not making better choices about their health and well-being, and I realize I am doing the exact same thing if I continue what I am doing. I also know that people say that the number doesn't matter-but in my mind the number is the bottom line and it DOES matter. I am working to lessen the grip that this has on my life and will strive to look at health versus the number.

Wish me and DP luck. I know DP struggles with different food issues than I do, and we have had our go around about how I feel sometimes she is not supportive, and how she doesn't have to eat differently. I get pissed off that she can eat better and lose weight like it is nothing but chooses not to, and it is so hard for me. It is a lot, both for her and me, and that is why I am hoping she and I can stick it out and then maybe food and weight issues can be less of a barrier and we can focus on more exciting things.

I would really like that.

(Side note-I also know that a lot of my behaviors at the time I was younger was to deal with the sexual abuse I had experienced at the hand of a family member for 4 years, and later the rape at college. So there are other psychosocial issues that are in play here wit the food issues and general self-destruction, but this is the gist of it. This is what I mean in my profile that lots of things have happened . . .)

Christmas

We are oh so every close to Christmas, and I have to tell you something. We told our families that we were not going anywhere for the holiday, and they were more than welcome to come here-but we would be in our own beds on Christmas morning.

We sweetened the deal for my folks and told them they could bring the dogs . . .

Side note--my parents, or more specifically my mother, has serious animal issues-like they are probably more important than we are. She will cancel things and not go places if the animals cannot be expertly cared for 20 times a day.

Well now it seems the folks have taken us up on said offer and we will soon have a whole lot of my family here for the holidays. I guess I should be happy, but with each passing day, I can see the things happening before me and I get more and more anxious . . .

We will argue about what food to have, where to go out to eat on the other days, who opens what presents first, mom will want toddler boy to still do baby things like sit on her lap and will be mad that he doesn't, I will feel like nothing we give them or do for them makes them happy, they will want to sit around all week and do nothing--they think that visiting means just that-sitting and visiting . . .

The day will seem like just another day and when the brother and family leaves she will complain about how they are going to see the other set of grandparents and how they like them much more.

I want to feel excited and a sure I will muster some of that up, but right now I am wishing we'd just told everyone we were going to some other place . . .bah humbug!

I really hate it when . . .

you are shopping at the mall and the various vendors in the middle try and attack you with their product. Just today while in the mall--WHICH by the way was a HUGE accomplishment since I HATE shopping, especially at the mall.

Well, on a slight diversion, the big JC and I have an understanding around this time that if I am meant to be shopping at the mall, a perfect parking space will appear. So today while pulling into the parking lot at a large nearby mall, the first spot in the row closest to the entrance was free. I took that as a sign and parked the car.

OK, so back to all the things I was accosted by today:

1-little lady who wanted to curl my hair--ok, how many icky people's hair has she curled with the same thing she is brandishing at me? Does she not know I have OCD and I am sure she is not super sterilizing in between victims.

2-then after that I was chased by the lady that wanted to give me fake ponytails. I guess the curl job wasn't enough and she thought clearly I needed MORE hair to make me beautiful.

3-then there was the man who came at me with a heated thing he wanted to put around my neck. HELLO, I have spacial issues and I did NOT want people putting things on me while I am braving the big scary mall.

4-finally there was the lady selling the fake animals--if you haven't seen them they are quite the sight. They are fake pets that look like they are breathing . . .or they look like something that should be in a chucky movie.

I wish I had something that I could attack them with when they come near me. When I am in the mall with the DP I make her walk on their side . .

Sheesh . . .attention mall people . . .BACK THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!

OK, I feel better now!!

One more day . .

Gee, then I think I will take a month off of blogging to make up for all the blogging I have done this month.

Today was a good day. I had a meeting this morning and did some great networking for my program and got many good questions answered. Then I went to a visit where the mother wasn't there and didn't call . .that's wasn't fun. Oh, this was after I knocked on the wrong person's door, too.

Then I came home and had to deal with more drama about the supervision issue-see yesterday's rant. I then went to the sibling group I co-facilitate with siblings of kids with special needs. They're a really great group of kids and they were really fun tonight.

Now off to shower and bed. Working at home tomorrow-AND we are getting our insulation so that should be fun.