My therapist thinks that I should be working on getting in touch with my anger . . .I reported that I didn't do anger and she decided that was even MORE reason for me to do anger. Well, in her desire to have me get in touch with my anger, she is angering me. I wish I had the ability to get mad with her, but I am too scared of driving her away . . .I am equally scared of my anger . . .so what do I do . .I decide to leave therapy.
While I know this is not the answer, it has been good to think about just walking away from it . .. but I know i still have a long way to go. I know I need to address these remaining issues, but I would rather not and it's getting hard. She and I have worked together for 8 years and I feel comfortable enough most times when things are going well, but how do you tell you therapist that she's pissing you off and pushing you too hard? I will not leave her, because who else would put up with my crazy self???
In addition to her making me angry, people at work are being just plain stupid. I don't get mad much at work because I generally love what I do. I am now the admission's director at my place and I like getting to meet new families in this place where they need help and they need help NOW. But some of the people I am working with right now are driving me batty, and today my supervisor came down to my office and noted that I was feeling upset, and she knew that was a problem because I never get upset or ask for help really. I am glad she came down and I felt better after we talked, but the stupid people will still be there tomorrow . . .
Here's how I feel after my day . . .
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Follow up on the downstairs apartment
I went to see a new gyn yesterday . .who is also a PCOS specialist. I was really nervous, and remembered that I was really mad at Holly for leaving. Holly was my super cool hippie chic midwife that had been doing my exams for the last couple of years at a local birth center. She was the first person I had seen for those things in a number of years--actually, I had only been to a two other people. I had a theory that I would see a new person each time, then I couldn't be embarrassed. But Holly always made me feel like it was ok, and I was ok. But then Holly up and left and I was stranded without anyone. I was having more pain, and thought it best I see doc.
The woman I went to was super nice. I didn't want to like her, and I made it very clear that no one was getting near the downstairs apartment today . . .and she respected that and said the doc and I would just chat. Doc came in and introduced herself and said we'd go to her office. After giving her the run down, including symptoms, family history, sexual abuse, rape, blah blah blah, she looked at me and said something to the effect of "wow, you have been though a lot and have done a lot of hard work to get to this place, huh" Lady, you have NO idea.
I was really nervous as we were talking, but she was really nice about everything, and asked my option about the eating disorder places I had been, saying she worked with a lot of women with ED's and wondered what I thought about them. In the end, she decided that she was not so sure I even had PCOS anymore.
Apparently when you lose weight . .and I have lost about 70lbs since my heaviest . . .you can grow out of it. So she wanted to do some lab work, and do an internal ultrasound. She told me she normally had people go to radiology to have that done, but she felt I didn't need to have to go to another place, and she said she would do it for me when she did the exam next time. I thought that was really nice of her, and she certainly didn't have to say or offer that. She also said that even though she didn't normally see folks for annual appointments, if I felt comfortable with her, she would continue to see me for those. Again, really nice.
We finished up the appointment, which lasted about an hour, and I got to my car with the action plan. Oh, it also included starting to take birth control again to help with the painful periods. She wanted to get blood work results back and I will see her in a couple of weeks.
In the car after the appointment, I started to drive and suddenly began to cry . .really hard. I realized that while I know I have done a lot of work to get to this place, it is still really hard to say all that stuff to a new person and not feel shameful . . and then to have that person make you feel safe and supported was just really neat. I wasn't sad so much as I was a mix of relieved and happy that I had found someone who was empathetic and understanding of how hard all that was for me. I go back in two weeks for the blood work results and exam. Wish me luck . . .
The woman I went to was super nice. I didn't want to like her, and I made it very clear that no one was getting near the downstairs apartment today . . .and she respected that and said the doc and I would just chat. Doc came in and introduced herself and said we'd go to her office. After giving her the run down, including symptoms, family history, sexual abuse, rape, blah blah blah, she looked at me and said something to the effect of "wow, you have been though a lot and have done a lot of hard work to get to this place, huh" Lady, you have NO idea.
I was really nervous as we were talking, but she was really nice about everything, and asked my option about the eating disorder places I had been, saying she worked with a lot of women with ED's and wondered what I thought about them. In the end, she decided that she was not so sure I even had PCOS anymore.
Apparently when you lose weight . .and I have lost about 70lbs since my heaviest . . .you can grow out of it. So she wanted to do some lab work, and do an internal ultrasound. She told me she normally had people go to radiology to have that done, but she felt I didn't need to have to go to another place, and she said she would do it for me when she did the exam next time. I thought that was really nice of her, and she certainly didn't have to say or offer that. She also said that even though she didn't normally see folks for annual appointments, if I felt comfortable with her, she would continue to see me for those. Again, really nice.
We finished up the appointment, which lasted about an hour, and I got to my car with the action plan. Oh, it also included starting to take birth control again to help with the painful periods. She wanted to get blood work results back and I will see her in a couple of weeks.
In the car after the appointment, I started to drive and suddenly began to cry . .really hard. I realized that while I know I have done a lot of work to get to this place, it is still really hard to say all that stuff to a new person and not feel shameful . . and then to have that person make you feel safe and supported was just really neat. I wasn't sad so much as I was a mix of relieved and happy that I had found someone who was empathetic and understanding of how hard all that was for me. I go back in two weeks for the blood work results and exam. Wish me luck . . .
Thursday, February 17, 2011
What a week
Hello folks! Last week was quite the week . . .as you all know, it started out with a concert by one of my favorite artists, Jennifer Knapp. The day arrived and I was so excited . . .I awoke and took my meds as usual with my soy milk, and I felt little nauseous. No big deal . . I had added a few supplements that day so I thought that was it. As the day wore on, I thought I still felt a bit off, but nothing was going to stop me from seeing the concert.
I got to the place to get our numbers which indicated in what order you would be let in the door to select your seats--they were only letting in 60 people. For the 8pm show we were 1 and 2, and I was 1 for the 10pm show. I was STOKED!!! As I was sitting in my car, I noticed a car next to me. To my surprise, a few minutes after that as I was jamming in my car to her latest CD, she gets out of the back of the car. I about had a heart attack! Smiling now from ear to ear, I forget that my tunny still doesn't feel quite right.
DP comes a little later and we head to the cafe down the way and order dinner. I am not feeling like I want to eat, so I get a turkey club sandwich and eat 1/4 of it after taking off everything but the turkey. The closer we get, the more excited I am becoming. We head off and get great seats for the 8pm show.
She was absolutely amazing. It is really wild to see someone that you have admired for so long, that close to you. She was about 10 feet from me as she sang . .and boy could she sing. She sounded exactly like she does on CD, which is amazing since sometimes you hear people sing and find that they really CAN'T sing!! lol
She played about an hour, and then she finished up. She was going to be available to meet people and sign autographs and such. OMG OMG OMG. Feeling a little better, I go over with someone I had met there at the concert. I stand in line and I get my picture taken with her, and a poster autographed. We talked for a couple of minutes and I am just in awe. She was so very personable .. I mean, not that I thought she would not be, but you never know. She has spent a lot of time talking to folks, and her handler tells her she needs to wrap it up so they can prepare for the next show.
I selected the same seat I had the first concert for the second. She began with a few of her older songs, and I was able to get a couple on video. About the 4th or 5th song in, she sings about a minute and all of the sudden I feel sick . . .like "I know you are singing right on front of me and it would be really rude of me to get up right now since I am in the front but holy shit I am going to blow . . ."
I get up and race to the back of the cafe to find that the one restroom is being occupied and the cover my mouth and hope for the best. No such luck . . it's coming and I grab the empty dish bucket that was siting out for folks to put their used dishes in. In the back of the cafe I find myself barfing into a bucket and wishing I could curl up and die. The guy sitting on the bench outside the bathroom was none too thrilled to be witness to this.
I sat there until the bathroom was available and then went in there. I was so freaking embarrassed. I have never barfed in public, and this was just not how I imagined things ending! I stayed in the back of the cafe until it was over . . .cleaned myself up the best I could, and then got out of dodge.
I barfed all night and into the next day. Spent the next two days home sick and just feeling really cruddy. I am so glad I had the pictures and video to prove I was there, because clearly I was really sick and ended up not taking in as much as I would have liked.
All in all, I am so glad I went. As I told my shrinky dink, my body gave me a big FU for not listening to it.
So there you have it . .I will leave you with a picture . . .
I got to the place to get our numbers which indicated in what order you would be let in the door to select your seats--they were only letting in 60 people. For the 8pm show we were 1 and 2, and I was 1 for the 10pm show. I was STOKED!!! As I was sitting in my car, I noticed a car next to me. To my surprise, a few minutes after that as I was jamming in my car to her latest CD, she gets out of the back of the car. I about had a heart attack! Smiling now from ear to ear, I forget that my tunny still doesn't feel quite right.
DP comes a little later and we head to the cafe down the way and order dinner. I am not feeling like I want to eat, so I get a turkey club sandwich and eat 1/4 of it after taking off everything but the turkey. The closer we get, the more excited I am becoming. We head off and get great seats for the 8pm show.
She was absolutely amazing. It is really wild to see someone that you have admired for so long, that close to you. She was about 10 feet from me as she sang . .and boy could she sing. She sounded exactly like she does on CD, which is amazing since sometimes you hear people sing and find that they really CAN'T sing!! lol
She played about an hour, and then she finished up. She was going to be available to meet people and sign autographs and such. OMG OMG OMG. Feeling a little better, I go over with someone I had met there at the concert. I stand in line and I get my picture taken with her, and a poster autographed. We talked for a couple of minutes and I am just in awe. She was so very personable .. I mean, not that I thought she would not be, but you never know. She has spent a lot of time talking to folks, and her handler tells her she needs to wrap it up so they can prepare for the next show.
I selected the same seat I had the first concert for the second. She began with a few of her older songs, and I was able to get a couple on video. About the 4th or 5th song in, she sings about a minute and all of the sudden I feel sick . . .like "I know you are singing right on front of me and it would be really rude of me to get up right now since I am in the front but holy shit I am going to blow . . ."
I get up and race to the back of the cafe to find that the one restroom is being occupied and the cover my mouth and hope for the best. No such luck . . it's coming and I grab the empty dish bucket that was siting out for folks to put their used dishes in. In the back of the cafe I find myself barfing into a bucket and wishing I could curl up and die. The guy sitting on the bench outside the bathroom was none too thrilled to be witness to this.
I sat there until the bathroom was available and then went in there. I was so freaking embarrassed. I have never barfed in public, and this was just not how I imagined things ending! I stayed in the back of the cafe until it was over . . .cleaned myself up the best I could, and then got out of dodge.
I barfed all night and into the next day. Spent the next two days home sick and just feeling really cruddy. I am so glad I had the pictures and video to prove I was there, because clearly I was really sick and ended up not taking in as much as I would have liked.
All in all, I am so glad I went. As I told my shrinky dink, my body gave me a big FU for not listening to it.
So there you have it . .I will leave you with a picture . . .
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Excited!
I know some of you read my Facebook, and know that I will be going to see Jennifer Knapp in concert at a local coffee shop. I am BEYOND excited, and just also bought myself a ticket for the second show that was added. DP will go to the first show with me and I will stay for the second by myself.
For those of you that do not know who she is, let me explain. She is a very well known Christian musician who came out last year as a lesbian. As you can imagine, the industry was not very welcoming of this. She sort of fell off the planet and lived in another country for a time and then last year decided to come out, and also came out with a new album.
It's been a long time since I have been this excited about something, but it also had me stop and think about the role music plays in my life and what it has meant to me over the years. Jennifer's music has seen me through the worst of times, and times that have been really good. I remember listening to her when I was hospitalized for my eating disorder, and just staring out the window-- scared of myself, scared of everything around me and holding onto every one of those words as if they were a life boat. Her singing about god, and being lost and broken and just wanting to feel whole again. Finding out just this year that she has come out as a lesbian has made those words even more meaningful. I know now why I was able to connect to them as I had . . .how to be in a relationship with god, your broken self, your gay self . . .it all makes sense now. The christian music industry that loved and awarded her music has turned their back on her and I wonder if this is the kind of god I want to be associated with. I am glad I am back at the church that I am, and no longer feel like I have to make those choices about what's more important . . god or being true to myself.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Period . . .games and other such things
So I think my period is coming. Actually, I know it is because my phone app tells me it should be here in 2 days. It has been getting worse in the last several months, and I am finally going to go see a PCOS specialist again to see if there's anything I can be doing. It just sucks to be laying there knowing you feel like shit because of this cruddy hormonal change taking place in your body at this particular time and have nothing you can do about it. I know this is only the beginning and I am sure to be a raging lunatic when my "change of life" occurs, but until then I will try and keep myself under control!
Today I came home from work and just felt blah . . .went to lay down for a little bit, and that seemed to do the trick. DP and I went out for dinner, came home and played Life.
We are having a game night tomorrow with some friends, and I bought Life for the occasion. I had downloaded it on my phone for the WI trip over the holidays and I forgot how fun it was. We have also been getting together with another couple about once a month to play Spite and have dinner. They turned us onto this game over the summer and we are addicted. I am not so good, but it's fun to get together. DP and deemed me our social planner, and I am trying to keep up sufficiently social, while still going to see mom and dad, working weekends, and keeping up with the dust bunnies!
What are some of your favorite games?
Today I came home from work and just felt blah . . .went to lay down for a little bit, and that seemed to do the trick. DP and I went out for dinner, came home and played Life.
We are having a game night tomorrow with some friends, and I bought Life for the occasion. I had downloaded it on my phone for the WI trip over the holidays and I forgot how fun it was. We have also been getting together with another couple about once a month to play Spite and have dinner. They turned us onto this game over the summer and we are addicted. I am not so good, but it's fun to get together. DP and deemed me our social planner, and I am trying to keep up sufficiently social, while still going to see mom and dad, working weekends, and keeping up with the dust bunnies!
What are some of your favorite games?
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Lost and found
I am still here . . .are any of you?
I sit here remembering my blog and kinda wish I was still connected to folks. I did end up signing up for an online journal and it's been great. Realized that I was using my blog as much more of a journal than anything else, and having the real journal has helped me sort things out a bit.
Now I can just be really silly and entertaining on here without being so damn serious! lol
So what's been going on with all of you?
Anyone jealous that we are sitting on over two feet of snow . .the latest of which came yesterday at about 18 inches! I worked from home today and I got a lot done. Nice to have those days to work in my jammies!
Well, I don't want to tax myself as I ease back into this . . .let me know what's up with you!
I sit here remembering my blog and kinda wish I was still connected to folks. I did end up signing up for an online journal and it's been great. Realized that I was using my blog as much more of a journal than anything else, and having the real journal has helped me sort things out a bit.
Now I can just be really silly and entertaining on here without being so damn serious! lol
So what's been going on with all of you?
Anyone jealous that we are sitting on over two feet of snow . .the latest of which came yesterday at about 18 inches! I worked from home today and I got a lot done. Nice to have those days to work in my jammies!
Well, I don't want to tax myself as I ease back into this . . .let me know what's up with you!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Summer
It's been hot as hell this summer and I think my brain is rotting inside my head!! LOL
Hello everyone . . .how are things in your parts?
This summer is seemingly flying by. Since my surgery . . .which went well, though it was was a lot more painful than I could have imagined, I have been busy. PT three times a week, getting around via various people picking me up and taking me places, and just overall general fatigue that comes with all your body parts not working quite right.
I am getting better, and stronger, but it's taking a lot of work and my PT benefits are running short. I am only halfway finished with recovery and I only have ten more visits left!! Guess who needs to be doing more on her own . . .?
I have been quite lax in the food and exercise areas-though I recognize there isn't much TO do in the exercise area, but still. I have gained about 10 lbs back since the surgery and I don't feel too hot in the body image area . . .but alas I am moving along. I go back to therapy tomorrow after a three week break due to our schedules not matching up . . .I will be grateful to get back to it.
Otherwise I have been busily working away as the new director of children's admission's and family services. it has been great, and for the first time ever they have a waiting list! what a great position to be in! I mean, not great for families who are looking to get in, but nice that we have beds filled and that we can now be a bit more selective about who we take. I was also voted employee of the month this month as well! Whoo hoo.
I am realize that for those of you that follow me on facebook, a lot of this is old news . . .and I think all of my readership knows me on facebook except for KJ maybe . . .
What else--my brother is coming in tomorrow with little tyke, who just finished kindergarten!! Can you even believe it? They will be here for a few days, and the rentals are also coming in. DP and I are taking parents to see Celtic Women on Saturday. I am very excited about that, and hope that we all survive the weekend! Monday DP and I are calling out sick and going tubing with brother and little tyke . . .who from here on out shall be referred to as Little Man!
Some pictures from our trip to Michigan . . .Riley with how new water toy. He loved diving onto the water and fetching! Addie loved her stick and by the end of the week that thing was eaten down to nothing!!
Hello everyone . . .how are things in your parts?
This summer is seemingly flying by. Since my surgery . . .which went well, though it was was a lot more painful than I could have imagined, I have been busy. PT three times a week, getting around via various people picking me up and taking me places, and just overall general fatigue that comes with all your body parts not working quite right.
I am getting better, and stronger, but it's taking a lot of work and my PT benefits are running short. I am only halfway finished with recovery and I only have ten more visits left!! Guess who needs to be doing more on her own . . .?
I have been quite lax in the food and exercise areas-though I recognize there isn't much TO do in the exercise area, but still. I have gained about 10 lbs back since the surgery and I don't feel too hot in the body image area . . .but alas I am moving along. I go back to therapy tomorrow after a three week break due to our schedules not matching up . . .I will be grateful to get back to it.
Otherwise I have been busily working away as the new director of children's admission's and family services. it has been great, and for the first time ever they have a waiting list! what a great position to be in! I mean, not great for families who are looking to get in, but nice that we have beds filled and that we can now be a bit more selective about who we take. I was also voted employee of the month this month as well! Whoo hoo.
I am realize that for those of you that follow me on facebook, a lot of this is old news . . .and I think all of my readership knows me on facebook except for KJ maybe . . .
What else--my brother is coming in tomorrow with little tyke, who just finished kindergarten!! Can you even believe it? They will be here for a few days, and the rentals are also coming in. DP and I are taking parents to see Celtic Women on Saturday. I am very excited about that, and hope that we all survive the weekend! Monday DP and I are calling out sick and going tubing with brother and little tyke . . .who from here on out shall be referred to as Little Man!
Some pictures from our trip to Michigan . . .Riley with how new water toy. He loved diving onto the water and fetching! Addie loved her stick and by the end of the week that thing was eaten down to nothing!!
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