Exactly where I am

Angry Birds

2011-03-02T20:54:00.002-05:00

My therapist thinks that I should be working on getting in touch with my anger . . .I reported that I didn't do anger and she decided that was even MORE reason for me to do anger. Well, in her desire to have me get in touch with my anger, she is angering me. I wish I had the ability to get mad with her, but I am too scared of driving her away . . .I am equally scared of my anger . . .so what do I do . .I decide to leave therapy.

While I know this is not the answer, it has been good to think about just walking away from it . .. but I know i still have a long way to go. I know I need to address these remaining issues, but I would rather not and it's getting hard. She and I have worked together for 8 years and I feel comfortable enough most times when things are going well, but how do you tell you therapist that she's pissing you off and pushing you too hard? I will not leave her, because who else would put up with my crazy self???

In addition to her making me angry, people at work are being just plain stupid. I don't get mad much at work because I generally love what I do. I am now the admission's director at my place and I like getting to meet new families in this place where they need help and they need help NOW. But some of the people I am working with right now are driving me batty, and today my supervisor came down to my office and noted that I was feeling upset, and she knew that was a problem because I never get upset or ask for help really. I am glad she came down and I felt better after we talked, but the stupid people will still be there tomorrow . . .

Here's how I feel after my day . . .

Follow up on the downstairs apartment

2011-02-18T20:26:00.000-05:00

I went to see a new gyn yesterday . .who is also a PCOS specialist. I was really nervous, and remembered that I was really mad at Holly for leaving. Holly was my super cool hippie chic midwife that had been doing my exams for the last couple of years at a local birth center. She was the first person I had seen for those things in a number of years--actually, I had only been to a two other people. I had a theory that I would see a new person each time, then I couldn't be embarrassed. But Holly always made me feel like it was ok, and I was ok. But then Holly up and left and I was stranded without anyone. I was having more pain, and thought it best I see doc.

The woman I went to was super nice. I didn't want to like her, and I made it very clear that no one was getting near the downstairs apartment today . . .and she respected that and said the doc and I would just chat. Doc came in and introduced herself and said we'd go to her office. After giving her the run down, including symptoms, family history, sexual abuse, rape, blah blah blah, she looked at me and said something to the effect of "wow, you have been though a lot and have done a lot of hard work to get to this place, huh" Lady, you have NO idea.

I was really nervous as we were talking, but she was really nice about everything, and asked my option about the eating disorder places I had been, saying she worked with a lot of women with ED's and wondered what I thought about them. In the end, she decided that she was not so sure I even had PCOS anymore.

Apparently when you lose weight . .and I have lost about 70lbs since my heaviest . . .you can grow out of it. So she wanted to do some lab work, and do an internal ultrasound. She told me she normally had people go to radiology to have that done, but she felt I didn't need to have to go to another place, and she said she would do it for me when she did the exam next time. I thought that was really nice of her, and she certainly didn't have to say or offer that. She also said that even though she didn't normally see folks for annual appointments, if I felt comfortable with her, she would continue to see me for those. Again, really nice.

We finished up the appointment, which lasted about an hour, and I got to my car with the action plan. Oh, it also included starting to take birth control again to help with the painful periods. She wanted to get blood work results back and I will see her in a couple of weeks.

In the car after the appointment, I started to drive and suddenly began to cry . .really hard. I realized that while I know I have done a lot of work to get to this place, it is still really hard to say all that stuff to a new person and not feel shameful . . and then to have that person make you feel safe and supported was just really neat. I wasn't sad so much as I was a mix of relieved and happy that I had found someone who was empathetic and understanding of how hard all that was for me. I go back in two weeks for the blood work results and exam. Wish me luck . . .

What a week

2011-02-17T19:59:00.003-05:00

Hello folks! Last week was quite the week . . .as you all know, it started out with a concert by one of my favorite artists, Jennifer Knapp. The day arrived and I was so excited . . .I awoke and took my meds as usual with my soy milk, and I felt little nauseous. No big deal . . I had added a few supplements that day so I thought that was it. As the day wore on, I thought I still felt a bit off, but nothing was going to stop me from seeing the concert.

I got to the place to get our numbers which indicated in what order you would be let in the door to select your seats--they were only letting in 60 people. For the 8pm show we were 1 and 2, and I was 1 for the 10pm show. I was STOKED!!! As I was sitting in my car, I noticed a car next to me. To my surprise, a few minutes after that as I was jamming in my car to her latest CD, she gets out of the back of the car. I about had a heart attack! Smiling now from ear to ear, I forget that my tunny still doesn't feel quite right.

DP comes a little later and we head to the cafe down the way and order dinner. I am not feeling like I want to eat, so I get a turkey club sandwich and eat 1/4 of it after taking off everything but the turkey. The closer we get, the more excited I am becoming. We head off and get great seats for the 8pm show.

She was absolutely amazing. It is really wild to see someone that you have admired for so long, that close to you. She was about 10 feet from me as she sang . .and boy could she sing. She sounded exactly like she does on CD, which is amazing since sometimes you hear people sing and find that they really CAN'T sing!! lol

She played about an hour, and then she finished up. She was going to be available to meet people and sign autographs and such. OMG OMG OMG. Feeling a little better, I go over with someone I had met there at the concert. I stand in line and I get my picture taken with her, and a poster autographed. We talked for a couple of minutes and I am just in awe. She was so very personable .. I mean, not that I thought she would not be, but you never know. She has spent a lot of time talking to folks, and her handler tells her she needs to wrap it up so they can prepare for the next show.

I selected the same seat I had the first concert for the second. She began with a few of her older songs, and I was able to get a couple on video. About the 4th or 5th song in, she sings about a minute and all of the sudden I feel sick . . .like "I know you are singing right on front of me and it would be really rude of me to get up right now since I am in the front but holy shit I am going to blow . . ."

I get up and race to the back of the cafe to find that the one restroom is being occupied and the cover my mouth and hope for the best. No such luck . . it's coming and I grab the empty dish bucket that was siting out for folks to put their used dishes in. In the back of the cafe I find myself barfing into a bucket and wishing I could curl up and die. The guy sitting on the bench outside the bathroom was none too thrilled to be witness to this.

I sat there until the bathroom was available and then went in there. I was so freaking embarrassed. I have never barfed in public, and this was just not how I imagined things ending! I stayed in the back of the cafe until it was over . . .cleaned myself up the best I could, and then got out of dodge.

I barfed all night and into the next day. Spent the next two days home sick and just feeling really cruddy. I am so glad I had the pictures and video to prove I was there, because clearly I was really sick and ended up not taking in as much as I would have liked.

All in all, I am so glad I went. As I told my shrinky dink, my body gave me a big FU for not listening to it.

So there you have it . .I will leave you with a picture . . .

Excited!

2011-02-01T19:31:00.006-05:00

I know some of you read my Facebook, and know that I will be going to see Jennifer Knapp in concert at a local coffee shop. I am BEYOND excited, and just also bought myself a ticket for the second show that was added. DP will go to the first show with me and I will stay for the second by myself.

For those of you that do not know who she is, let me explain. She is a very well known Christian musician who came out last year as a lesbian. As you can imagine, the industry was not very welcoming of this. She sort of fell off the planet and lived in another country for a time and then last year decided to come out, and also came out with a new album.

It's been a long time since I have been this excited about something, but it also had me stop and think about the role music plays in my life and what it has meant to me over the years. Jennifer's music has seen me through the worst of times, and times that have been really good. I remember listening to her when I was hospitalized for my eating disorder, and just staring out the window-- scared of myself, scared of everything around me and holding onto every one of those words as if they were a life boat. Her singing about god, and being lost and broken and just wanting to feel whole again. Finding out just this year that she has come out as a lesbian has made those words even more meaningful. I know now why I was able to connect to them as I had . . .how to be in a relationship with god, your broken self, your gay self . . .it all makes sense now. The christian music industry that loved and awarded her music has turned their back on her and I wonder if this is the kind of god I want to be associated with. I am glad I am back at the church that I am, and no longer feel like I have to make those choices about what's more important . . god or being true to myself.

Period . . .games and other such things

2011-01-28T23:26:00.005-05:00

So I think my period is coming. Actually, I know it is because my phone app tells me it should be here in 2 days. It has been getting worse in the last several months, and I am finally going to go see a PCOS specialist again to see if there's anything I can be doing. It just sucks to be laying there knowing you feel like shit because of this cruddy hormonal change taking place in your body at this particular time and have nothing you can do about it. I know this is only the beginning and I am sure to be a raging lunatic when my "change of life" occurs, but until then I will try and keep myself under control!

Today I came home from work and just felt blah . . .went to lay down for a little bit, and that seemed to do the trick. DP and I went out for dinner, came home and played Life.

We are having a game night tomorrow with some friends, and I bought Life for the occasion. I had downloaded it on my phone for the WI trip over the holidays and I forgot how fun it was. We have also been getting together with another couple about once a month to play Spite and have dinner. They turned us onto this game over the summer and we are addicted. I am not so good, but it's fun to get together. DP and deemed me our social planner, and I am trying to keep up sufficiently social, while still going to see mom and dad, working weekends, and keeping up with the dust bunnies!

What are some of your favorite games?

Lost and found

2011-01-27T20:50:00.001-05:00

I am still here . . .are any of you?

I sit here remembering my blog and kinda wish I was still connected to folks. I did end up signing up for an online journal and it's been great. Realized that I was using my blog as much more of a journal than anything else, and having the real journal has helped me sort things out a bit.

Now I can just be really silly and entertaining on here without being so damn serious! lol

So what's been going on with all of you?

Anyone jealous that we are sitting on over two feet of snow . .the latest of which came yesterday at about 18 inches! I worked from home today and I got a lot done. Nice to have those days to work in my jammies!

Well, I don't want to tax myself as I ease back into this . . .let me know what's up with you!

Summer

2010-07-28T21:05:00.004-05:00

It's been hot as hell this summer and I think my brain is rotting inside my head!! LOL

Hello everyone . . .how are things in your parts?

This summer is seemingly flying by. Since my surgery . . .which went well, though it was was a lot more painful than I could have imagined, I have been busy. PT three times a week, getting around via various people picking me up and taking me places, and just overall general fatigue that comes with all your body parts not working quite right.

I am getting better, and stronger, but it's taking a lot of work and my PT benefits are running short. I am only halfway finished with recovery and I only have ten more visits left!! Guess who needs to be doing more on her own . . .?

I have been quite lax in the food and exercise areas-though I recognize there isn't much TO do in the exercise area, but still. I have gained about 10 lbs back since the surgery and I don't feel too hot in the body image area . . .but alas I am moving along. I go back to therapy tomorrow after a three week break due to our schedules not matching up . . .I will be grateful to get back to it.

Otherwise I have been busily working away as the new director of children's admission's and family services. it has been great, and for the first time ever they have a waiting list! what a great position to be in! I mean, not great for families who are looking to get in, but nice that we have beds filled and that we can now be a bit more selective about who we take. I was also voted employee of the month this month as well! Whoo hoo.

I am realize that for those of you that follow me on facebook, a lot of this is old news . . .and I think all of my readership knows me on facebook except for KJ maybe . . .

What else--my brother is coming in tomorrow with little tyke, who just finished kindergarten!! Can you even believe it? They will be here for a few days, and the rentals are also coming in. DP and I are taking parents to see Celtic Women on Saturday. I am very excited about that, and hope that we all survive the weekend! Monday DP and I are calling out sick and going tubing with brother and little tyke . . .who from here on out shall be referred to as Little Man!

Some pictures from our trip to Michigan . . .Riley with how new water toy. He loved diving onto the water and fetching! Addie loved her stick and by the end of the week that thing was eaten down to nothing!!

Ghosts of Ligaments Past

2010-05-11T19:13:00.002-05:00

First off, thanks for all the very kind words about the weekend and my last post. The weekend went as well as could be expected, and mom was surprised and really liked her book. There were a few tense moments, but DP came to the rescue and I was VERY glad to be on the road home Saturday evening.

For those of you who don't know, I fell out of the garden last week--yes, I know, hard to do unless you are ME--as a result I have completely torn my ACL and will have reconstructive surgery next Friday. I am so not happy about this on a number of levels . . .mostly the level that will not allow me to drive for multiple weeks . . .since it is my right leg.

Secondly, I will receive a donor ligament . .yeah, like from a dead person. I keep having thoughts about the economy and people are cutting back on all sorts of things . . .so what if my surgeon takes the cheap way out and gets on on ebay or something, or on the clearance rack. I mean, there are clearance racks of sperm donors, so why not ACL's?? Not to mention DP keeps talking about my ligament coming with a ghost and what if the dogs sense that I have a foreign body part . ..will they bark at me or try to attack me??

Ugh . . .I think I would like to go spend some time with KJ and the Kids . . .she never ceases to crack me the hell up . . .and I think that would be good for my recover. In any case, I am free to whomever wants me since DP is leaving me high and dry after only a few days . . .it would involved slipping me some drugs occasionally and making sure I don't injure myself. Doesn't that sound like fun???

Mother's Day

2010-05-05T20:35:00.004-05:00

I have been feeling really down in the dumps lately, and then tearing my ACL on Monday evening did not help. I will have surgery in a few weeks and the timing on this could be better, but not the worst I suppose.

I was pondering mother's day tonight and shuttered. I couldn't understand why until I sat there for a moment and realized something. When things were at their worst with my brother's abuse, I was 12 and had hurt my knee and was in a long leg brace. I thought I was safe from whatever he'd do to me since I had this thing on my knee and how could he possibly do that, right? Well, he did and I remember lying there thinking nothing could be worse in my life.

That was right before Mother's Day weekend, and that weekend, on Mother's day was when I attempted to kill myself for the first time. He never abused me again after that . . .

Here I am, about 19 years later . .week before Mother's day, knee brace on again and I just feel overwhelmed . . lost . ..scared . . .little . . .hurting

I know things are soo sooo SOOOOO different right now, but Mother's day has always been a sore time for me, and this year will be no different. We will head up there on Friday to surprise mom as her birthday is Friday and mother's day is Sunday.

I feel like I am always trying to make up for that time that I was so selfish . . .and fear I will be trying for a long time since I always seem to mess it up somehow when I am around my mother. I am so angry for so many things, and she and I will never be in a place together to be able to make amends. She feels I should just get over what happened with my brother and move on. How do you just move on from that? I have tried and have done and AMAZING job, but there are times that bring you down so quickly you don't even know where they came from . . .

Maybe this year will be different. Maybe this year I will really be thankful for my mother.

She wasn't all bad . . .and she tried . . .and did the best with what she had.

Dark

2010-04-29T20:39:00.000-05:00

Sometimes things just seem dark and you have to remember that these times are meaningful in the journey as well. . . .just wish that was easier to take in at times.

The Tale of Two Neighbors

2010-04-25T14:47:00.004-05:00

This post has been brewing for a little bit and I thought it was time to share.

We live on a busy road, and so having the normal neighborhood feel is not something we get to experience. We share a driveway with our neighbors T and L. They are the nicest people around-and I am NOT just saying that because the first time we met them they invited us over to swim in their pool and continue to allow us free reign in their pool when it is open!! While that certainly helps, they are just great. They have a daughter our age, and have always been very helpful to us-loaning us tools and helping with things around the house and yard. We take turns watching each other's dogs at times, have each other's house keys, and overall enjoy a very nice neighborly relationship. Recently T retired early from the post office and is kinda bored. He's been hinting around about wanting to find a part time job, but then he recently had his prostate removed and I think has decided he likes being home. He thought he could be our lawn and dog boy!! I think we have worked out a deal that he's going to let the dogs out twice a day and mow the lawn for us. I guess we'll give him some money for that, and it will all be worth it because I hate that Addie pees in the house and I hate mowing the lawn (truth be told I like mowing the lawn, it's just my really bad knee and ankle do not like mowing the lawn).

On the other side of us is a house that looks quite ramshackle-y. We never really knew the guy who lived over there-though I think we did know that that he lived there with his mother who gets oxygen delivered. He does sit outside and smoke . . . . The backyard is filled with stuff, including a shower stall and a boat that we've never seen move. I had talked to him once when we got Riley to let him know we were getting a puppy and to let us know if they become bothersome with barking and whatnot. Found out his name, and that he looked like he could be an axe murderer with missing teeth. (consequently there was a report one day that an old woman had been found dead in her basement in our area and I thought for sure he'd off-d his mother) A little while later we discovered that he did dry walling and finally asked him to come give us a quote to help us with a project. He came over and we didn't do anything about it for a while because we didn't have money. Then this winter rolled around and we all seemed to be out shoveling a lot and cleaning off roofs and the like. His step-brother was staying with him, because it was too far to drive a half hour home each day and they were working on a project in the house.

Hang in there--I am getting to the point . . .

We talk to them some during the snowstorms, loaned them a roof shovel thing, and began to talk some more. They hang outside the window of the room they are working on and throw venison jerky to the dogs . .they like this . . .both the boys and the dogs. We ask them to come over again and talk to us about our project. They give us a quote and tell us they can start in a few days.

I have to say I was worried--by looks alone and the fact that their house doesn't look overly taken care of. I worried that DP agreed to have them in the house by themselves, and worried what we would do if they messed up and took our money. We gave him $500 for the supplies and prayed for the best . . .

Needless to say the first night I waited for DP to call me and give me a report as I was staying at a house doing respite. She called and I help my breath waiting for the worst and she surprised me by saying not only did they do a nice job, but they cleaned up really well. The next few days were much of the same, and in the end they did a fabulous job!!! I felt really bad for being so judgmental and for thinking the things that I did about them. We gave them a decent bonus for the work they did, as they fix some extra things while they were here which was very kind of them. They loved the dogs and took great care to clean up as they went along. T and L were curious as well and wanted to know how they did, as we had talked a bunch about how those neighbors just seemed "different"

Since then we have talked to them more. DP has talked to the mother who is 88 or something and has lived quite the life. He was hanging out the window the other day while I was mowing the lawn and commented about how horrible the mower sounded. I said yeah, I knew we probably needed to change the filter or something, but that we never got around to it. He said to bring it over when we were done and he'd show us. We brought it over and he said if we left it with him he'd sharpen the blades and change the filter. He returned it a few days later and not only did he do what he said he would, but he cleaned it up and I dare say it looks like a brand new mower.

The real great part happened yesterday. We came home to find our nicely cleaned mower in our back yard, and T and L working on a project in their front yard. We went to check it out, and then went to the other neighbor to thank him for our mower and ask him how much we owed him (he said nothing, but we will get him a gift card or something). He asked if we heard about the accident the day before in front of our house and we said no, but went out to find all the glass in the front lawn by the pole that someone schmucked into. He was standing there with us, and T and L came over and we all began to talk, and for the first time T and L met the neighbor on the other side, and it just felt so good knowing that we could bring these two neighbors together. We had only every talked about the other, but yet they have never met and L grew up in that house . . .

The moral of this very very very long story is that it's nice to be challenged on the things that we think about others. I can't wait to learn how to play poker . . .the mother next store told me she'd teach us. She would also like to meet the dogs . . .she likes dogs and hears them playing and hoped she'd get to meet them. She also paints, and tells stories, and has a very sweet smile. He may look like he could be an axe murderer, but I am finding out and that he and his mother are great neighbors to have.

The End!

Mother's Day

2010-04-22T20:45:00.002-05:00

So mom's day is coming up . . .and her birthday is also two days before. She is constantly bugging me for copies of pictures that we take that she finds really cute.

She never does anything with the pictures and it irritates me that I give them to her and they sit around.

So this year we are making her one of those photo books from Shutt*rfly. I finally finished it tonight and I really hope she likes it!! She's impossible to buy for because she is not able to do much. I hope this brings her some enjoyment--though I know she will now want one every year.

They are a great idea. I did one for DP last xmas. They are a little more costly than printing pics only, but by the time I print and DO something with them I might as well have them do all the hard work. I am working on a year in review for us from last year!

Work is crazy . . .going to Florida Monday night into Tuesday and considering if I can possible squeeze in anything manageable at Disney and still be coherent in the morning for a work thing. Thoughts?

Hello blog, it's me . . .beans!

2010-04-14T16:46:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so I have been absent for a little bit. I did talk to DP about it last night and I think I will try and blog at least once a week. I do miss it. . . just taking the time to get the thoughts out there. Seems I don't take the time to stop long enough to catch up to myself--though in all honesty when I do I scare myself!

The new job responsibilites have been going really well. I am so freaking busy that I have little time to complain and wish for a life in a place where it is always 70 degrees and sunny. I am now the coordinator of children's admissions and family services. I deal with all the new admissions and families coming in, which also means I have a lot more say in who gets to come and not come. I have alredy had almost the same number of admissions they had last year--in the last 3 months!! I am seriously rocking it!! It's also hard to be in the position of turning away so many families. We have gotten so many referrals for adolescents that are over the age of 18 and really have serious issues. I can't imagine families trying to place them now . . .it's harder to do it younger, but even harder to get them placed at 18+. I have one school district in CT that I would say would write me a check if I would take their kid . . .sad sometimes. Dealing with a lot of NY school districts and learning all of their whacky ways of doing things! I am flying to FL in two weeks to screen a kid there. Staying overnight in Orlando . . .I have never been do Disney and it seems like a sin to be able to fly over it and be so near yet not be able to stay and visit!

Home is good. We have been working on some home improvement projects, and most of you that read my blog are also on FB so you have seen and heard all about that. It is nice to do stuff, but crazy how much it costs to do them. We are trying to do some stuff ourselves, like laying a small patio, but that was really hard. It is a nice spot now though! We are getting an estimate for a new small fence around an expanded garden area, though the garden is decidedly bare right now. We were going to buy stuff to make raised beds, then we decided that we will make the raised beds in the fall. So we need to get dirt and get going on planting the peas. We are about 3 weeks late in getting peas in the ground. We did start tomatoes, peppers, and eggplant. Can't wait for fresh stuff. We will rent a rototiller with our neighbors this weekend and get that sqaured away.

Family stuff is . . .well. You know. Had my bro down a month or so ago to see the down's specialist at CHOP and they determined that he didn't have early dementia, he was just acting out. I could have told you that, but it was good for me to get some support from the clinic. They have a social worker and a nurse practitioner who have been good. I am hoping to get the folks set up with a nutritionist as they are in serious need of help with their food issues. Bro in TX is having a hard time. SIL is no longer working and was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. He doesn't know what to do and refuses to get help for himself. He says they want to move back Northeast, and I am not objecting because TX is just too damn far and they have no support out there. It's a big giant mess and she isn't willing to do what she needs to in order to get the bipolar under control. She admitted in the hospital that she wanted to kill my brother and little tyke, and so brother is afraid to leave her alone with LT and she is saying now she wants to be a stay at home mom to which he responds hell NO!! What a mess . . .not my mess but I feel for him none the less. I think they will decide what they will do at the end of the school year since little tyke is in kindergarten this year. Shit how time flies!!

And for my issues. Hanging in there. Doing a lot of work on trauma stuff, and body image. Seems as if I have pretty cruddy body image! Hahahahahah . . .I laugh because it is out of control. I lost like 45 lbs and this weekend saw myself on video from the weekend and I looked larger than ever. I have no ability to see myself for what I am. It is really very sad to be honest. I wish I could just not worry about it anymore and just be happy with who I am and what I am doing with my life.

I am off tonight to the final LCSW supervision group that I have been facilitating. I was co-faciliatating in hopes that I would be able to start my own supervision group, but turns out I have to be 5 years post LSW and that will be next year. So I will reclaim my Wednesday's and perhaps have some chances to hang out with some old pals!

Hope all is well in your corners. See you next week. Same time, same beanie channel!

where did my spell check button go

2010-02-07T13:06:00.000-05:00

ok, so i no longer have the spell check option on my blog posts . . .do others still have it on theirs? if so, where is it??? help!!

across the top i have
two arrows, font, text, bold, italic, strike through, text color, highlight color, link, image, 4 alignments, 123 bullets, bullets, quote, remove formatting, and jump break . . .that's all. i used to have a button that i could press for spelling . . .

Stealing from Daisy . . .

2010-02-07T12:58:00.002-05:00

1. Do you use the labels various charities send you as “free gifts?” Rarely, because usually they have spelled my name wrong, and I rarely send things in the mail anymore. We use them for xmas cards and for when we go to expos and stuff so you do'nt have to write your address all the time.

2. What is your favorite time of day (or night) for skywatching? i love when i take the pups out at night and it is cool, not cold, not hot but perfect. looking up i am reminded that things aren't that big after all. love love love looking up at the stars. i would love to go camping sometime and just sleep under the stars!

3. What is the most adventurous you've ever been with trying a new food? i have no adventure when it comes to food. i have been telling DP that I would try come yummy new veggies if she deems them good. i have tried asparagus and brussel sprouts so far.

4. Have you ever heard a rock sing? um, perhaps once when i was using the wacky weed . . .

5. If you could learn a language you don't presently speak, what would it be? believe it or not, i learned spanish and french at one time, but know very little of either now.

6. Al Capone's tombstone read, “My Jesus, Mercy.” If you could write your own epitaph, what would it say? um, i really don't know. something cheesy about persevering and making the most of my life.

7. If you were a famous musician who was known by one name, like “Cher,” “Sting,” or “Jewel,” what would it be? It doesn’t have to be your first name, but it can be, if you’d like. Q

8. Have you ever been inordinately “into” a television show? not really . . .i get into phases where i watch things and then don't

9. When you sneeze, do you go big, or do you do that weird “heenh!” sound that makes people think you’re going to blow your brains out? Any other variation we should know about? i try not to sneeze big, but sometimes i can't help it. i try to hold it in and you are right, it feels like brains might come out my eyeballs or something. i have inherited the gift of sneezing 100 times like my mother.

10. Do you still read an actual newspaper that you hold in your hands, or do you get your news elsewhere? i read the pocono record from my folks house becasue it isn't nearly as depressing as the news around here. i also read the paper in Wisconsin. we have been getting the weekend paper delivered for a few months now for free, and we use the coupons.

11. Are you a good speller? i used to be, but spell checker has done me in. i was the spelling bee champion in elementary school numerous times!

12. At what time each day do you start thinking about lunch? depends on the day . . .usually around 11, but i have a mid morning snack of veggies and hummus most weekdays.

Thanks

2010-02-02T19:49:00.000-05:00

Thanks everyone for you words. I am glad to know I wasn't being crazy. I am just really sensitive about these kinds of things.

I sulked yesterday . . .but it was a lonely day. One of them sent me an email and was like " soooo, i get the sense you are upset . . ." i told her how i felt and she said they were still planning on doing something for my birthday. i told her not to bother at this point because it would just piss me off.

today i was better.

does anyone know what happened to the spell check feature on blogger?????

I need some perspective . . .or something.

2010-01-31T12:38:00.001-05:00

First off, I have to say that NOTHING I am about to say applies to Daisy . ..she will understand why soon.

Part I:

Ok, so DP and I are not very social people. We decided a while ago that we wanted to have a birthday party for our house--since it was going to be 100 years old this year. What a better excuse to have a party, right? We really got into it, and got lots of cool facts, ads, articles, music from 1910. It was awesome to do the research and check all that stuff out. We had a few other fun things going on like having people help us choose our paint color for the kitchen--they voted on 1 of 4 colors. We had also had gotten a take home paint your own pottery kit and bought tiles of different sizes so folks could make a tile commemorating the event. We aren't sure what we will do with them right now, but we will either make a table or frame them.

Part II:
I eat lunch with the same group of girls. There are 5 of us . . .4 of which I knew before when I worked there, so I have known them for years. I had been talking about the party for over a month now and everyone was very excited to come and we all talked about how much fun it would be. We seems to be a very tight group of women. Blah blah blah. We also celebrate birthday's with this group of ladies--usually by having a special lunch and goofy gifts. We have celebrated all birthday's this year . . .except mine. Nothing from no one . . .it kinda made me sad. Now I know I have a holiday birthday, but still. Nothing . . .

Part III:
Party day comes around, and mother nature decides she wants to crash the party. We ended up with maybe an inch of snow, if that. L had told me earlier in the week that if it snowed she would NOT be coming. She texted before the party to say she wasn't coming. T called to say she'd gotten mostly to our house but then she couldn't get through the roads and turned around (less than like a mile form our house). H never called or texted to say anything. S never called or texted or anything. S has also made plans to come to our house three other times and hasn't called or canceled.

Part IV:
We had a GREAT time with the folks that did come. We had about 25 people come and it was great to see some friends I hadn't seen in a while, and some that I see more often. The house was filled with much love, laughter, fun, food, and jello shots. I am so pleased with how it all turned out, and the tiles look amazing!

Part V:
I am finding myself really angry at my friends (the ones from work). I guess I am thinking that if they didn't want to come, or weren't going to come, then they shouldn't have made such a big deal ABOUT coming. They might have said, well, we aren't sure if we are going to make it, blah blah blah. I guess I just feel that typically I am very forgiving, and usually would just let it roll off my back . . but not acknowledging my birthday . . .not coming to a party . . .it just kind of stings a bit. My first reaction to DP was that I just wasn't going to talk to them tomorrow--which I know is a very childlike reaction. But I feel like I do need some space from them.

It is good timing anyways as I have started a new role at work as the admissions coordinator for the children's program and am busy--VERY busy . . .that would be a good excuse to separate a bit from them. I know there were other factors, and things beyond my control, and after all, i KNOW it isn't always about me . . .but the hurt is there none the less. I did miss Daisy, and knew she was coming from MUCH further than other folks and the weather was bad there--hopefully we will see each other again soon!

Not sure what I am looking for . . .just needed to vent. Thanks for reading . . .

Christmas time is here . . .Almost!

2009-12-21T11:06:00.000-05:00

Well my day today so far has been excruciatingly boring, so I thought I would take some time to write to my fine following!! We had 13 inches of snow this weekend, and I am sure glad it happened over a weekend, as I would have likely have had to come to work if it weren't. Other folks in the Philly area got 23 inches of snow. Holy Crap that is a lot of snow. I am so glad that we decided to go in on a snow blower with our neighbors last year. It sure did come in handy and reduced our shoveling time by a LOT! See Riley not enjoying the blizzard condition!

This Christmas we will be at my folk’s house, and that should be ok. I have significantly limited the amount of time I have been spending there the last two months, so I am hoping for a good holiday. We will only be there 12/24-12/26. DP's sister is coming in from Minneapolis on Saturday--which also happens to be my birthday! She will be here for a week and that will be fun. We don’t have a ton planned, and I only work three days that week. This week I only work today and tomorrow!!!!

We have had lots of household plans to think about, the latest of which is whether or not to carpet the upstairs. There is hardwood up there now, but it is in bad shaped, and you can tell it was carpeted before. Perhaps they pulled it up to sell it. In any case, it is just getting annoying to see if looking so bad, and splintering our feet. Also, Addie's hips have been causing her more problems and so that is the only area of the house that is not carpeted with a rug. Since we can't afford to refinish/replace the wood, we decided to get carpet just in the upstairs, and a runner down the stairs. Hopefully this will help until we can afford to fix the floors properly--in like 10 years!! We posted on facebook that we were thinking of doing this, and who the hell knew people were such carpet haters!! I guess I understand if you have kids and pups in a high traffic area, but we figure in the bedroom and stairs we should be ok. AT least that's what we are telling ourselves. At the end of the day it is our house and we will decide . . .I think they will be measuring today and hopefully we can get it by next week.

We also had a contractor come out to let us know about a bunch of small things we need to get done--all things my brother or father in law could do, but seeing as how they all live so damn far away, we went to the next best thing. A friend's father!! I wish owning an old home didn't cost so much money! Oh well, we love our home and will do what we can, when we can.

Speaking of our home, we are having a birthday party for it in January. Our house will be 100 years old and we are taking the opportunity to have some folks over and celebrate. We were thinking of getting tiles and having folks decorate them and then we could make it into a table or something. We also thought the house would like to take a collection for a new stove. Ours is pretty bad, and we thought instead of having folks bring other stuff, we would just do that . . .hope that isn't tacky . . .

I guess that's it for now. I should get back to work. Or back to reading old leadership notes from 4 years ago. Really, I am bored and there's not much to do today. I have some meetings this afternoon, so that will be good. I will be taking on a new position as of January, so I suppose I oughta enjoy the quiet now!!
Hope you are all well in your corners!

Just blah

2009-12-08T22:02:00.002-05:00

Wish I had more exciting things to say these days . . .just feeling rather blah. The Christmas spirit seems to have worn off and we have only just begun. I know it will return, but until then I am just hanging in there.

We got a visit from the police today . ..apparently someone called twice today saying the dogs (though more than likely it was Addie!) were barking excessively . . .it irritates me when folks call anonymously instead of coming to the people and talking to them. We had gone to both our neighbors and said if they were barking to let us know. Obviously they are in the outdoor kennel all day, so we don't know what they do. It just makes me mad-mostly because I wish we didn't have to leave them so long, and I wish that we could walk them more, and I wish that we had better control over their behaviors. I know I am awfully whiny, but this is my blog and I can whine if I want to.

Work is work. I forgot how much it sucked to want snow so badly, but then remember that you work at a residential facility that doesn't shut down in the snow. They expect you to be there--even though my day to day job is not direct care, I am still expected to be there. So while DP wishes for snow days, I don't. Wonder if our wishes cancel each other out?

Well, that's about all I will torture you with.

OHHH, wait. I have one more thing to say about work in general. It really gets to me when folks think that just because I am a social worker that I can somehow save the flippin world and fix everyone's problems. I am only human people and just because you come to me with a problem does NOT mean I can fix it. Also, don't be surprised if I ask you to participate in the solution!! Everyone wants stuff done, but doesn't want to do what is needed to actually fix problems. ok, really done now!

god damned swine

2009-11-17T22:12:00.002-05:00

so while all the prisoners had their swine flue shots, our clients who are medically fragile haven't been able to get them.

one is in the hospital now . . .her parents took her off the ventilator tonight and she will probably die before tomorrow.

what the hell kind of sense does that make . ..some days god just pisses me the hell off!

***Update-->she passed away last night***

Southwest is kicking my ass

2009-11-02T19:11:00.002-05:00

OK, so I am being sent to our satellite center in Massachusetts later this week and they have me going on Southwest. I don't know much about Southwest except this . . .they have weird seating arrangements, and they will tell fat people they need to buy another seat.

I am so worried about this trip and the pending seating issues that I didn't sleep well last night. I had a dream that the airline people stood there with score cards and took votes on your weight and then made you buy a new seat after strutting down the aisle in front of everyone. I called them last night and just checked in, and they said that if I was relatively ok on the Continental flight I should be ok. But then I had DP's butt to squish into . . .this time I am going with a co-worker--who I don't feel comfortable telling my fears to . . .she is a skinny mini and will have no problem. Which would be good if I knew we could sit together but they have weird seating rules. The flight out is not full at all right now--only 25% full as of last night. The flight home had only ten seats left. DP told me to go ahead and buy the other seat if I thought it would help ease my mind, but it doesn't . . .my co-workers all seem to think I will be fine. My ultimate fear is that I will get there and they will tell me I have to buy another seat and there won't BE another seat.

Oh well. DP says there's nothing I can do about it, and I know she is right. I wish the Internet didn't have so many horror stories about those who are "of size" and who have flown Southwest.

I am excited about the trip in general . . .I just need to get past this part.

I sort of joked that I was going to go to one of those body wrap places the night before and see if I can get a few inches off my butt.

Oh well . . .I will let you know how it goes.

Other stuff is fine . . .not much drama in my department which is nice for a change.

Hope all is well in your corners!

A week I'd like to forget

2009-10-04T16:46:00.003-05:00

Things have been very challenging for me to say the least over the last few weeks. The amount of time and energy I have been putting into my folks has been great . . .and very frustrating to say the least. The flood and then my father having to go to the hospital has been too much. I don't know what to do anymore to help them and I feel like I am waiting around for something horrible to happen to them, and at times I almost wish that would come sooner than later as I don't know how much longer I can handle the worrying. As a wise, wise social worker friend told me this week (thanks Friend!) you can't case manage your own family . . . I am so angry at them on so many levels that it feels at times like I will explode.

This week I did. It got to be too much and resorted to cutting again . . .something I haven't done in 6 years. I left therapy the other day and I was seething. Just so angry and I have never really been good at anger. When people in my life got angry, other people got hurt. So I decided long ago that getting angry at other people and letting them know it was not something I would do. I turned it all inward and at 12 began to cut. For me it was a way to feel . . when I was numb and needed the blood to remind me that I was still alive. A way to connect to myself and release some of that pressure that was building up inside. I don't expect others to understand this . . .I know it is not something most people can or want to understand. I used to hurt myself pretty badly and at times needed stitches, yet it wasn't about trying to end my life. I never remember feeling the pain of it all that I did to myself.

This was not true this week. I am not glad that I did it, but I am glad that not only did it hurt like hell, but it also gave me no relief what so ever. In fact for years I have been saying that if I ever went back to that I would be lost . . .I felt out of control during and afterwards as I wasn't sure how I could let myself get to that point again. I almost didn't do it as I knew my DP sees all of me and would know. As I drove around more I devised a story and decided I would do it in a place that I could say I fell or something. I didn't want to lie, but I was too far gone at that point in my head. Like a druggie looking to score I was blinded by the promise that my pain would soon end and I would be in control of my thoughts and feelings again. Little did I know that wasn't in the cards.

I came home and told DP and called shrinky dink. It was a rough day the next day and I am still off kilter. I need to find a way for anger to be appropriately expressed and know that I will not do to others what had been done to me in anger. In talking to DP she noted that in 7.5 years together she has never seen me angry. This, friends, is not ok. I need to be able to let this stuff go, and I also need the experience of being angry with others and not have them hurt me or leave. Shrinky dink say we will work harder on this, and that she will help.

In other news. . .This weekend I watched some kids yesterday and today went to church and did some yard work. We didn't go up to see the folks and it was best that way. Dad seems to be holding his own, and they have diagnosed him with gout. I guess he is in the clear of surgery right now and will be seeing a new doc tomorrow which will be good. This weekend I am in Atlantic City Thu-Saturday for a conference and then next weekend we will go up to see the folks on Sunday. The next weekend we go to TX to visit my brother and little tyke. I am excited about this trip.

In the meantime I am trying to be gentle with myself and not allow this to be the start of a downhill spiral. There's no need for that and I am on a hourly reminder system of that right now.

The end of my rope . .

2009-09-27T21:18:00.001-05:00

Seems to be creeping up in regards to my family. I have a ton going on with them and I don't have the slightest idea of how to figure it all out . . .

Tony Campolo Rocks The House

2009-09-02T15:50:00.002-05:00

This is a professor I had in college . . .he spoke at my church this past weekend and I wasn't there. I just watched and felt like I wanted to share. Even if you aren't into the god thing, he has some good things to say .. .it gets better after 12-13 minutes . . .hang in there. His wife, Peggy, went to another church I went to for a while which is a welcoming and affirming church for gay and lesbian folk and their relationship was always very interesting and I felt better about him knowing she was around to keep him real. Oh well . .for what it is worth. Take a look.

Brian Jones - The Official Website Blog Tony Campolo Rocks The House

Guess what I did??

2009-09-02T14:00:00.002-05:00

I read 4 books over vacation! I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but let me tell you it takes me a while to read books. I typically have a lot that I start and never finish. I went to Big Bookstore before vacation and looked at the buy one get one half off and chose a few. You might notice a theme to which my shrink was like, um, what's with that and I told her that it wasn't that unusual. Last years vacation I read a few on the same theme as well-not this years theme, but another which happened to be all about the day in the life of women in different professions--very interesting! The cool thing is I actually read a couple of novels which is not my genre of choice but I found them to be enjoyable! Take a look at what I read!

1. Better-A Surgeon's notes on performance-- I really liked this book written by a general surgeon about his work. He tackles a few issues including the changing world of health care, child birth, the medical role in the death penalty, and more. I liked that he seemed to do a good job of presenting both sides of an issue, all while illustrating it with stories of his own practice and experience. He has another book called Complications which I haven't read yet, but got at the same time. One of the things he talks about which I appreciated was about the advances in medicine and the struggle between using that technology to save people who will go on to have seriously diminished quality of life. Working with the children I do and the situations I have been in, it was great that he tackled some of that . . .whether you agree or not.

2. The Bufflehead Sisters-- This was a good novel, though I have to say that I sort of knew the ending about 3/4 of the way through. It was still entertaining enough for me to keep going and I read the whole book in about a day!

3. Tell me where it hurts-- This book is about a day in the life of a veterinary surgeon. Somewhat like Better, he addresses multiple issues and the book is a good mix of explanation of different procedures and historical context and personal stories. DP read the book and liked the stories better than the "blah blah boring stuff." It was cute I thought . . .and again, very easy no brainer book for all the animal livers out there.

4. But inside I am screaming -- I enjoyed this novel about an reporter who has a nervous breakdown and ends up in a psych ward to try and figure herself out. She struggles with the "i'm not like these crazy people" idea and the book follows her through this. I liked this book as I could relate having spent a good amount of my own life in similar situations.

Have you guys read any of these? Any other reviews of these that you would add?

Hope all is well in your parts. I am back to work tomorrow . . .I am well rested and ready for new adventures. I have some posts about some other things but they will have to wait for now!

Relaxing Queen

2009-08-26T13:51:00.004-05:00

Vacation is going marvelously and again I am sad that I cannot be a professional vactioner . .

So far I have read two whole books--which is a huge accomplishment for me . . , had the dog neutered, took a tour of Lambeau Field, bought 20lbs of cheese for dirt cheap, and spent two glorious hours doing nothing but laying outside reading. We also went to Door County, WI where I was able to wander about these small quaint shops and dream of a day I can do more of this kind of stuff.

DP and I have made some decisions about some things we need to do when we get back home--mainly looking at the budget and the garden--I know two very different things but both important to be looked at. We realize that we have spent so much time working this summer that we have been most miserable and at times not so nice to each other. This is not how we want to be with each other and will work towards making some changes.

I think I am going to nap a bit this afternoon since the pups apparently have NO concept of the time change and have been up at 5:00am most the days we have been here so far. This, my friends, is NOT fun!
I will leave you with some pictures of our time so far . . . Enjoy and hope all is well in your parts!

The kids lying about . . .picture from lunch in Door, County. Below is another picture from where we stopped to have lunch, then from the field at Lambeau!

Vote for my friend if you would . . .

2009-08-25T07:54:00.004-05:00

Hey there folks-

If you have a second, please vote for my friend and her husband's photography business. They are in the run to win a Best of Philly award . . . You do'nt need to live in the area to vote. Check it out below:

Weld Photography http://www.weldphotography.us/ has been nominated as Best of Philly at
My Fox Philly Hotlist. We are in 6th place out of 187 photographers.
It only takes a minute to vote and is super easy. To vote go to: http://myfoxphilly.cityvoter.com/weld-photography/biz/406714
One vote per e-mail address. Pass on the link to anyone you might know
that would take a sec to help out our company.

64 things you've never been asked

2009-08-17T21:11:00.005-05:00

1. First thing you wash in the shower? shampoo my hair

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? hunter green

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yes!

4. Do you plan outfits? depends--not usually

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? excited about vacation

6. What's the closest thing to you that's red? candy cane from xmas

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? kayaking with my shrink

8. Did you meet anyone new today? yes, the nice kid from the car place

9. What are you craving right now? iced tea

10. Do you floss? yes--recently started and i love it

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? saurkraut

12. Are you emotional? sometimes

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? Probably not

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? usually let it melt a little then eat it

15. Do you like your hair? yes

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? only if i could poison him!

18. What are you listening to right now? DP listening to "all she wants to do is dance"

19. Are your parents strict? on certain things, but not really

20. Would you go sky diving? NO WAY!

21. Do you like cottage cheese? yes

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? no

23. Do you rent movies often? no

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? yes, a print on my wall

25. How many countries have you visited? 1

26. Have you made a prank phone call? yes, when i was a kid

27. Ever been on a train? Yes

28. Brown or white eggs? brown

29. Do you have a cell phone? Yes

30. Do you use chap stick? Burts!

31. Do you own a gun? hell no

32. Can you use chop sticks? Nope

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? DP and the kids

34. Are you too forgiving? at times

35. Ever been in love? Yes!

36. What are your best friend(s) doing tomorrow? working and lunch bunch

37. Ever have cream puffs? Yes

38. Last time you cried? a few days ago

39. What was the last question you asked? do we have a deposit slip

40. Favorite time of the year? fall-hands down

41. Do you have any tattoos? yes, two

42. Are you sarcastic? yes!

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? nope

44. Ever walked into a wall? more times than i should admit

45. Favorite color? purple

46. Have you ever slapped someone? i am sure

47. Is your hair curly? nope

48. What was the last CD you bought? the new alanis album

49. Do looks matter? more than i would like to admit

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater? nope--i can't stand lying at all

51. Is your phone bill sky high? no, but it is more than i wish

52. Do you like your life right now? it is working and getting better. more improvements are needed but that is good

53. Do you sleep with the TV on? nope

54. Can you handle the truth? Yes, gently given of course

55. Do you have good vision? mostly, i have a slight prescription but can see without them

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? yes

57. How often do you talk on the phone? all the time

58. The last person you held hands with? DP

59. What are you wearing? pj's

60.What is your favorite animal? dogs

61. Where was your profile picture taken? outside

62. Can you hula hoop? no

63. Do you have a job? Yes-thanks goodness

64. What was the most recent thing you bought? a windsheild

Vacation

2009-08-17T06:58:00.002-05:00

I am on vacation in a few days and it cannot come soon enough. This summer has been hellacious with work and the extra work we took on. It was clearly a lot to do and we are feeling the stress of not having any free time to really be with each other and not worry so much about not having any free time. We have managed to make use of our season tickets to the waterpark, but even that has been a lot with driving up there and having to then see my folks. . . usually all in one day becasue the nexty day we are working.

Things have been generally ok. I have been feeling very tired in the afternoons lately, and this has lead to checking in with the sleep study folks to see what might be happening with my sleep. I went for the first test and they said that even though the apneas were WAY better than last time five years ago, there's still enough present to make them want me to have a mask. He says if I keep losing weight it is likely that I won’t need it at all soon. I go back in a few weeks to have the second study done. I think the doc will also check me for Lymes as we have had many folks at work get it, and Addie was recently diagnosed with it as well.

I also had to start taking blood pressure medication. Now, I have had issues with medications since before when I was on too many psychotropics to keep track of. When I was finally able to come off of all meds a few years ago I sort of went the other way in that I don't want to take ANYTHING!!! But alas my BP had been a little high--like 130's/90's . . .for a while and she thought that since everyone else in my fam had high BP that it just might be a genetic thing. I canceled a few appts with her because I didn't want to discuss the issue. Then my bro who went on them a few years ago lost 40lbs and he has been able to come off of all of them. I am now taking a small dose of something or other and it seems to have given me an acceptable blood pressure for now. Cholesterol is excellent, so I guess that is good.

I am hanging in there with the weight loss. It has been so slow and up and down a few lbs on any given week. I am hoping the two weeks with DP's folks will help stabilize things as we generally eat very well there and walk a lot. I haven't gained and feel good that at least I am maintaining. I need to kick up the working out, but see paragraph one about not having time for anything and being very tired in the afternoons. I would like to try and see if I can find a place that I can do water aerobics. I think that would be great fun!

The pups are good, though Riley had a fight with his BFF Buergi this past week and since then they have been unable to be together. It is time for the big snip, and he will have that done while we are in Wisconsin. Folks have said we should be glad that they got along so well this long as they are both intact males-->NOT FOR LONG! Addie is as precious as ever and we have finally found the trick to her bowels and that means she can be on the same food as her brother and she is doing great. She has so much energy in the morning and we are convinced she has some boxer in her casue when she gets excited her puppy paws go flying!!! It is very cute--except when you are taking her up to the kennel with a full bucket of water and she runs into you--this has happened a few times and it has made for a less than happy mama!

Work has been ok. New exciting prospects on the horizon, which I won't get into until I hear something for sure. Let's just say that it would be a big deal and would require me to wear more fancy pants clothing on a regular basis . . . Doing a lot of respite care . . .glad I can be helpful to families and the kids.

Family stuff has been interesting. We have been having a lot of discussions, heated debates, and tears over future planning for my brother. The good thing is that we seem to be on the right road as far as some things my folks needed to see. Like being more accurate on his yearly plan about what he could and couldn't do. Little things like that are going far to have my folks trust me a bit more. We have also planned a trip to TX to see other bro in October and will be there for his birthday. We are all very excited and this will be DP's first trip to see the place in TX. Little Tyke starts kindergarten next week . .where does the time go. I can still remember leaving my job the day we got the call that we was being born and now he's trotting off to school and my bro is on the PTA!!!!! WHAT???

OK, well, I should get back to work. Hope this keeps you guys hanging in there with me. I am sure I will have lot of adventures to share from vacation and the time to share them! I even bought a few books yesterday to take with me!!!

Hope all is well in your corners! See you soon!!!

Knock knock

2009-08-10T19:46:00.000-05:00

Is this thing still on??

I am thinking really hard about coming back home to the mothership!

Is anyone else still out there??

Very very behind!

2009-07-07T21:02:00.000-05:00

I am so behind in my blog reading and writing!

I promise I will get back on track soon . . .none of you are forgotten . . .

Hope all is well in your corners!

What a situation

2009-06-23T19:39:00.002-05:00

There's a situation at work that is making me slightly ill.

We have a young man-23yrs- who has MR and brain damage due to a seizure disorder where he used to fall and hit is head all the time. His mother immigrated to the US from Jamaica when he was younger to give him a better chance at good docs and such. He ends up at our facility about 8 years ago. He had some serious behaviors like running away, hitting others, etc. He was very active--loves riding his bike, running around with the maintenance department, etc.

He also had very bad scoliosis that was affecting his breathing. The social worker got his home state to allow him to stay at our place post 21 until he had the surgery to fix his back since when he went back to his home state for adult programming he wouldn't have the insurance to pay for the surgery. TONS of hours of advocating for him lead him to the surgery. He has the surgery and the next day the cage that was holding his spine together popped and he is now a paraplegic. No feeling from the waist down. A year later he still asked when we will allow him to walk again . . .

So in the midst of this he is non-compliant with personal care--once being totally toilet trained he is now in diapers and doesn't like people to see him naked. He pulls out his catheter which has causes lesions that have become infected. He has injured a number of staff during his aggressive outbursts . . it goes on. He is a huge liability the agency says and they charge me with the tasks of making his home state take him back--citing that we said we'd keep him until the surgery was done and they could place him in home state.

They have nothing to meet his needs--mom isn't a good advocate . . and we send a discharge letter for the end of this month. They have nothing for him and as a result he will go to a state center. This makes me so sad on many levels. People here are burnt out because of him, and we are not an appropriate placement for him. But it makes me so sad when I tell them my concerns about where he is going and they say they don't care. I know they are frustrated, but this kid is bound for a life of being drugged up to assure compliance and I am saddened by the fact that people are just congratulating me for getting him moved.

He will go on Monday, and his mother told me the other day that she know I didn't care if he dies, as long as he got out of our place. This hurt--because I know in part that this is not right for him. I feel angry and upset about this . . .though I know I am fighting a losing battle . . .

These are the days that being a social worker and seeing the ills of the world suck big time. In reading Cheryl's blog about her experiences with school social work I know I am not alone in feeling like life is hitting us over the head faster than we can dole out resources--

GRRRRRR.And there are no other social workers where I work . .I work with all clinical behavior folks and today I tried to explain to my supervisor how I was feeling and she told me I was becoming too involved and that I needed to separate and know that this was not what was best for him. I told her I knew that but I still had feelings about it . . .

In other news things are shaking up a bit here at home and I am excited to see what is in store for us.

Hope you are all well in your corners of the world.

Brain hurts

2009-06-18T19:49:00.003-05:00

My brain is so full that it feels like it is about to burst and roll off of my body. A ton going on lately and I am trying to stay afloat . . .

Busy time at work--graduation was last week and it is my job to make sure that everyone has a place to go after graduation and it was down to the wire.

It has also been raining-like every day for the last two months I think . . .it gets old after a while and I am ready for some nice weather...the only good thing is that we haven't had to use the air conditioner yet this year and that is great!

Meeting Miss Daisy and other random notes

2009-06-07T06:36:00.003-05:00

It's been quite a week. We went kayaking last weekend and it was absolutely fabulous!! I can't explain how free I feel on the water . . .gliding through this powerful source of life and being . . .just small me on this great big lake and the trees and birds and animals. It was just great. I even tried a sit inside kayak this time and did great. I was afraid my bum wouldn't fit without a great deal of WD40, but I did well and actually kind of liked it a bit better. I will do a thorough comparison before we ever get one- for the amount of money we spend to rent, I am thinking we should just buy! The place we rent from sells their supply at the end of the season, so maybe we'll go that route.

Then it was just a busy week at work. We had the memorial service for one of the students that passed away a little over a month ago and that was just sad .. .I mean happy to remember him, but the family put together a slide show and it is just rough.

Then on Friday I got to meet my blogger buddy Daisy! and her man friend. It was awesome to put a face and more of a personality to this person who I have been blogging with. Though I was nervous that I would be stood up, and my friends were glad DP was going along in case Daisy ended up being a blogger-phile or something. It was nothing like that! We shared a great meal at Bahama Breeze and chatted about just about everything. I think it was a wonderful start to a great new friendship. Our next mission--GAY BINGO!! I can't wait. Thanks Daisy and Man-Friend for a great night and a warm welcome!

Yesterday we did a whole lot . ..since it had rained all week, we still hadn't buried our last guinea pig friend who died earlier this week. He hung out in the freezer until we could get out there and properly bury him. He died very suddenly--I noticed one day he wasn't looking too well and then that night before we went to bed he died. I think it was because I changed his food-I felt he needed something more exotic . . .and I have serious food issues. DP thinks it is because she was wondering what would could do with the corner in the living room without a big cage there . . .either way he was joined many a friend over the rainbow bridge!

We also went to the dog park where we had a super dog meet up. Three of our friends came and the pups played for about 2 hours. After that they went for baths and I went to get my friend for respite care for the afternoon. We then went to this sad strawberry festival . . .which should have been named " old folks festival". There was one little pot of strawberries and lots of older folk. We were disappointed that there weren't berries to buy, but we had a bowl full and then went back to deal with the garden and the 'hog. This will be another post later.

Then we went to a local fair. Now, this fair was sad because it was small and nothing like DP and I remember a fair being like. Oh, and tit was also on the grounds of the old Franklin Mint Museum which is just now all empty and overgrown and sad looking . . .It was a lot of overpriced games with crappy prizes, and just about anything you could want . . .fried. We did partake of fried oroes as we have seen them before and always wondered. They were yummy, but I could do without eating them again. We did that and then took our friend home.

Then we assembled our new grill that we got for our anniversary. Our cute little Weber Q was not working right, and we decided to upgrade to the real Weber Performer:

We put it together last night without killing each other . . .though we got to the last piece and realized the work surface was broken. No problem . . .we called Weber and they are going to ship a new one right away and send Fex Ex to get the old one. How it that for service. I have never used a charcoal grill before, but I am excited to learn. We also got a veggie basket and pizza maker for the grill . . .hehe . . .I am excited. Rebecky is coming over tonight for our first cook out.

Well, that's about all for now. I am off to church now . . .we have our grand opening for our new building today which will be our worship space until the final phase is done . . .but not for a few ears. I am actually thinking about trying to church hop for the summer and see what I can come up with. I love the church I go to now, and the people are amazing, but I want something that I don't have to feel bad about with the whole gay thing . . .and we found a few churches nearby that are welcoming and affirming churches . . .and I think DP will even check them out with me. Can't beat that!

Ok, over and out or now . . .stay tuned for the more about the 'hog war going on!

So much going on

2009-05-30T20:59:00.003-05:00

1. Went to my first prom--at work they have a prom for the kids. this one guy who is such a mess-i mean his family is a mess, involved with the local children and youth . .i am working so hard with them to get them in home help--he is a day student--well, dad said they weren't coming because they didn't have transportation . . .i vowed to find a way next year to get him there . . .wouldn't you know about 45 minutes in he shows up with his whole family . . .I just about cried. if i wasn't in a room full of people i think i might have. the resilience of families amazes me sometimes. now, if he misses the evaluation i set up for him on Friday again, i might have to go postal . . .

2. Meeting Miss Daily this week and am very excited . . .

3. Got season passes to local water park by my folks . . .I think my mom is sucking up as she is being very nice and I know this sounds weird, but it feels kinda uncomfortable . . .not sure what to do with that.

4. Therapy is kicking my ass. not much more to say other than the fact that sitting still is harder than i ever could have imagined. the journaling thing has been going well and she is being much more strict with me and not letting me get away with shit. good stuff.

5. work changed out insurance coverage and i am afraid i will not qualify as seriously mentally ill anymore--not that this would be bad, but the amount of visits you get with the therapist if you are normal is not a lot. i used to qualify no problem for SMI but we are worried they might question how SMI i could be and not take any meds . . .

6. will have to decide in a few weeks with my doc if i need to take blood pressure medication which is such a bummer for me. she said that even though i was getting healthier, the fact remains that everyone in my family has high BP and it just may be a genetic thing. frustrating though when you are finally on the right track and losing weight.

7. I am up to 20.8 lbs lost . . .this week i think period is coming and i have been a bottomless pit today, but i am trying to be ok with that. got a fancy schmancy pedometer which keeps me motivated!

8. Everything is in the garden now, though something has scurried away with the tops of three of our tomato plants and two whole pepper plants . . .i am pissed . . .don't mess with me and my garden damn it!

9. KAYAKING tomorrow and I am so damn excited I can hardly stand it!!

How is everyone???

Weekend Stuff

2009-05-11T19:40:00.002-05:00

We went to the folks house this weekend to paint my childhood room. The room was purple to go along with my white canopy bed and unicorns! I loved that room . . .except when really bad things were happening. Those unicorns and I went to so many places during those times.

It was indeed bittersweet to finally be able to paint over that room, those memories, and everything else to go along with it. I have finally found a place in my world to forgive my brother . . .and this totally helps to get rid of those remaining memories. We redecorated and it looks like a grown up room now!

I even found it in my heart to be decent-no, nice to my mother. I think we had a good weekend.

All together it was good . . .and I needed it to be good.

Therapy today

2009-05-07T19:28:00.003-05:00

There was a bit of a scare the last few weeks with therapy. Mainly my company was switching insurance companies and there was a few days there where I wasn't sure my therapist was going to be covered. I have been seeing her for about 8 years and she and I are finally working on some good stuff. The rest was about keeping me alive and well, still good stuff but not the down and dirty kinda stuff that I needed to get to.

When I thought I was going to lose her-and yes I know that sounds dramatic but that IS a big deal--I started to re-evaluate what we were doing and how things were going along. I realized that we were getting too comfortable in our ways--mostly me avoiding the hard stuff and staying super surfaced. Well, today I decided to journal about it. ** Sidenote-->Oh and also, before I qualified for the SMI benefits--serious mental illness--and now with the new company I likely will not qualify. While I still have the dx's, I don't take any meds and they could say well, how seriously mentally ill can she be while not on any meds. In that case I would only have 20 visits per year. I need to check on this tomorrow at the benefits fair . . .

I had looked through a number of my old journals and I was struck by how much stuff happened my last year of high school and freshman year of college that I just don't recall. Scary to read your own writing and not know where it came from. I was deep in the doo doo of life, and I am just thankful I made it through. But reading it I was aware just how powerful of a tool my journal was for me. I used unlined sketch books so I could draw, write, paste things in, keep notes and cards, etc. I was seeing an art therapist for a while and so I have all those pictures. I saw one today that I thought I might take out and put in a frame. It was of a safe place--which of course for me was a big comfy chair, a book case, a carpet, and a bookcase. It looked divine! I can see why I would have chosen that as my safe space.

So I started writing about how it felt to read those two journals--of 10 . . .and then I wrote out some things that I wanted to work on with shrinky dink. I was scared as I read it to her, as I didn't want her to feel offended--and then we quickly assessed that we needed to work on the intense judgement and criticism going on in my head AT.ALL.TIMES. All in all it was a good session and we decided that I would bring my journal each week and at the end of the session we'd come up with something for the following week along the theme.

I am feeling better, therapy was good, my tummy is full, and tomorrow is my weigh in day. I saw a number this morning I don't recall seeing in a VERY long time. I hope it is still there tomorrow for the official weigh in day. I feel really motivated and not so hungry all the time.

Thanks for coming along with me. I so enjoy the fact that I have blogger friends who are interested in my world. Hope all is well in your corners!

Oh, another question for you social work types--any information or resources on therapists being in therapy--thoughts about it? I have often wondered how this affect my ability to fully engage . .

The Write Stuff

2009-05-06T19:02:00.003-05:00

I have always loved to write. When I was young I used to journal about all sorts of things. When I was in high school my friend and I had a ntoebook that we woiuold exchange during each period change and it was just reflections of how we were experiencing life.

I had a bunch of journals that I took to college with me. Then when I started dating the therapist I was seeing--yes, I KNOW there's a post but not now! Anyways, she thought it would be therapeutic for me to burn those journals and I did just that. What I would give to know what my little head was thinking back in the day. I feel like so much of that stuff is out of reach for me . . I don't know that it is important for me to know, but I'd have liked the option.

Now I have 10 large sketch books that I have journaled in and have kept. I have told DP that should I die she needs to be sure that they get destroyed. The things I have written about over the years are raw, they are crazy, and they are a look into my past that is sometimes scary. Since blogger has come around, I have stopped journaling as much . . .and I wish I could get back to it.

I did get a journal that had prompts, and that seemed easier than thinking that I had to write pages and pages all the time. But I feel stuck again. I feel like I need to re-evaluate where I need to go with therapy, and I haven't the least idea where to start. I thought I would write about it but I am stuck . . .any ideas?

More random thoughts!

Oh, and BTW--the girl at work who has an EDO and I finally chatted . . .I am hoping that perhaps rather than allowing her to be a trigger we can be supportive of each other. We will see.

What's in a number

2009-05-05T16:35:00.004-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about food. In fact it seems I think about food a lot. The more I try not to think about food the more I think about food. I am sooo tired of it. I am tired and weary of the fight with the number . . .how it can single handedly change the way I can feel at any given moment.

Truth be told, I am feeling better about food lately since WW, but I still feel like it has way too much control over me. I had a few bouts of purging, but then I was able to stop it. Then there was the weight gain over Easter that was hard to take since I was trying to be very good about the food. My mother and father also made a comment to me at Easter about my food which I had a difficult time with--they mentioned that I hadn't stopped eating since I got there---which I know wasn't true, but they said it and I went off. Then they acted surprised when I reacted that way-and I reminded them that teasing me about food isn't a good idea. Should I have to remind them of this after almost 20 years of being eating disordered . . .this is not a new thing.

I feel easily triggered the last month or so. There's a girl at work who I know has an eating disorder, and we have had to work together more and I watch her and what she does and sometimes I feel jealous that she is so good at it, and I can't be anymore. I don't want to identify as that anymore, but sometimes it is hard to take. Then I have changed my therapy day and my therapists specializes in EDO and the girl who goes before me is clearly anorexic and I couldn't help thinking about it when she came out. I don't know if I need to say anything more to my therapist, as it seems dumb.

I just often think about a day where I look in the mirror and I feel good about myself--no matter what number should appear that day. I feel like I am starting to rely more on how I feel and hunger signs--which is relatively new, but they are weird too. Imagine that--listening to your body and not feeling like it is a big fat trader . . .

Oh, and by the way, I am finally nearing a number on the scale that I haven't seen in a very long time--in fact next week I will probably see it which is why I suspect I am having feelings around this now. I think I am worried that I might not find the elusive happiness that I have always said would come with being smaller. What if it has all been a lie and that I could be happy RIGHT.NOW. In fact, I have a friend who lost over 150lbs and I saw her and we chatted for quite a bit and I said to her "You MUST feel better now-healthier . . .?" and her response . . ."not really". What if I get there and I still feel all this crap??!!??

Not sure where I am going, or what I need. Just some random thoughts from the couch--where I have been most of the day--sick, and wanting the rain to go away.

2009-05-05T16:34:00.001-05:00

Just testing this mobile connection. Maybe this will help me stay posted on my blog. We will see.

What fascinates you?

2009-04-30T20:05:00.002-05:00

Ok, back again. Damn facebook for killing my blog . . .Oh well, it is what it is. But I am here to pose this question to you . . .

This came about as I was at a training this week and there were two sign language interpreters. Now when there are interpreters present, I am hard pressed to actually pay attention to what I am supposed to be paying attention to. I am not sure when I became so enthralled by the moving hands, the mouthing of words, the seemingly secret club they were all in. The one the other day even winked a number of times. I wanted to be in the club and I could only watch and pretend I knew what they were expressing.

I have thought in the past that I should utilize this fascination for good and take a class or something, but alas I am limited by the few signs I know.

The same could be said for the guitar. I could watch someone play the guitar for hours . . .and I even bought one from my friend and vowed that I would take lessons from her once I finished graduate school. I bought a dvd and a book for dummies or something. You think I ever did anything with that?

I wonder what gets in our way of following through with the things we'd most like to. Maybe it is lack of time, fear of failure, not being able to do it well enough. Well, maybe one day I will sign up for a class or two . . .

What about you?

Things

2009-04-15T20:54:00.004-05:00

Things have been pretty crappy the last few days. The family visit this weekend didn't go very well, and ended quite badly actually. This has thrown me for a loop--though today was surely better than yesterday, and perhaps tomorrow will be even better.

We lost another resident yesterday, and another today. It is VERY unusual to lose 4 residents in a matter of a month an a half . . .people are starting to wonder about us. Though all but one had a reason for their death . . .still weird though.

Looking forward to therapy tomorrow, and the nice weather this weekend. The rain hasn't helped the foul mood.

I hope all is well in your corners-

Addie's Corner-Episode 7

2009-04-10T20:06:00.000-05:00

This is me . . .playing with a ball. The moms have been taking us to see our friend Buergi and he and his dad have a HUGE backyard that we can run in. Riley seems to think he can outrun me, but that whippersnapper has another thing coming. I usually can run faster than him, but I am not interested in the ball once I get there. This makes the moms mad cause then they have to go get the balls. It's awfully funny!

This is my kid brother Riley--though he has gotten MUCH bigger than when I last had to talk about him. He weighs more than me, and people refer to him as the bigger one. Whatever . . . I have to admit, he is quite handsome. He was even asked to be photographed for a calendar that our local favorite pet store is making. His birthday is coming up next month. He'll be one year old! Right now he is a hunger strike . . .don't know why. He's clearly not so smart to go without food. I always approach each meal as if I haven't eaten in a hundred years!!! I would NEVER skip a meal!

Here's all of us-the three puppy-teers. Riley, Addie, and Buergi laying in the grass. We were all pooped after so much running after the balls and chasing each other. Buergi was in love with Princess, and kept following her around. He didn't know or care that she was old enough to be his grandmother . . .oh well. We accept all kinds around here.

This is our cousin Princess, and how she looked when she would run to the fence waiting for her mommy, daddy, and brother to come back from TX. She was very silly-and sometimes really crazy. So much so that the moms had to resort to herbal supplements. They were called "Quiet Moments" and boy did they help. She got it at night in her food and she was instantly a different puppy. Grammy says that she seems awfully depressed now that she is back home with them. She keeps threatening to send her back here . ..I might need the herbs if THAT happens.

Just me and Riley snuggling! We can really ham it up when we need to!

Riley really liked the snow. Here he is with his bowling pin that quacks. He loves that damn thing, but I have to say that at 6:30 in the morning, I am sure the last thing the neighbors want to hear is quacking. But he carries that thing around like a baby . . .The snow was great fun, though the quacker did NOT quack when it was full of snow.

This is me . . .again. Aren't I beautiful? I just loved the snow, and pretended that I was a snow plow by using my nose. This is what I looked like while I was playing in the snow. I also liked to eat it, though moms kept reminding me to not eat the yellow snow . . .and I kept reminding them that I eat my own poop . . .what's a little yellow snow among friends?

By far the best news I have to share is that with mom's new job, I get to go to work with her a few times a week. I have this really tall boy who comes to walk me . .though sometimes I get scared because he makes funny noises. He doesn't talk, but he's nice enough to take me for a walk twice a day. I also get to visit the classrooms. I have a few that love me very much, and they keep threatening to take me home. This makes me scared and sometimes I get my Ewok ears on. Once classroom even takes me outside with them when they go to gym class. I like to go out for gym, not stay inside. I had to pee in my pants once when I was so scared of the gym. I hope they don't take me there again. It is fun to go to work--I even have a bed there for me. AAhh, the dog's life is for me.

Well, I guess that's it. My paws are getting tired from all this typing. Maybe mom will let me write more often so I don't have to type so much at once. We'll see.

WOOF! Oh, and licks to all the pups out there . . .Lyn's pack especially. That lady is one crazy dog lady . . .we'd have so much fun if she ever came to visit. We could round up Sookie and the others and have a grand ole time!

Update -Part II

2009-04-09T19:43:00.005-05:00

So where were we?

We had my parents crazy dog, Princess for a few weeks while they were in TX visiting my brother and Little Tyke--who I will soon need to rename since he is 5 already . . .damn . . .where did time go?

Here he is when he visited us a few months ago . . .
He was so happy that he could finally sit still long enough to be friends with the cat. He has been pursuing that thing since he was a baby and never has he been able to control himself. While the family was in TX, mom had to go to the hospital since she overdosed on the wrong insulin and that was just bad. They take such poor care of themselves and it is seriously hard to watch. I am working hard at realizing that I need to just love them for who they are . . .are realize that I probably won't get what I need from them . . .that is really hard.

I will give an update on the kids in yet another post!

We've been doing a bunch of kid sitting and respite to earn some extra money. We keep trying to be serious about saving money and paying down debt, and then we don't. We recently bought a new car--a 2009 Subaru Forester which I LOVE LOVE LOVE. I have never had a new car, and we knew we'd be getting one this summer anyways. Subaru was having a deal, and we went and looked and liked. We used our Costco card and got a killer discount as well. Though we had to go to Lancaster to get it, and one Beans should NEVER go to Lancaster when she has to pay attention. I am SOOOOO over focused on the buggies--to the point where I nearly crashed my new baby whilst looking at a buggy fest happening in a field next to the road. I swear one day you will see that I have accidently run over a small Amish army with my curiosity. In any case, I love not having to fall to the floor to get in my car, and having to hoist myself getting out of the Saturn.

What else . . .the stink bugs have returned, and we must flush about 20 of them a day. I wish to the good lord of bugs to take back his army and leave me the hell alone.

In other news, we have finally decided to have lawn people come to help us with the mud pit. We signed up for a 6 month treatment which include fertilizing, de-grubbing, seeding in the fall and some other things. The price was reasonable and I think DP agreed to shut me the heck up. Either way, bring on the grass.

I guess that's it for now. We are heading to mom and dad's for the holiday. Hopefully we'll see some friends on Saturday night. I have an appointment with a foot guy on Monday. Foot felt horrible the last few days . . .today perfect. I hate the not knowing what kind of foot day it will be. I guess it could be worse.

Hope you all have a good time celebrating whatever it is that you celebrate!

My weekend . . .in pictures.

2009-04-06T19:31:00.001-05:00

The chairs we ordered from By the Yard. They are made from recycled plastic and will apparently last forever. They are really comfortable, and we hope they will hold up. We only had a few extra parts!

The area on the side of our house that has become a mud pit. We decided that it would make a nice shade garden.

We got the little fence, and it was going nicely until we couldn't figure out how to make the middle close. It is being held together with a cable tie. If we decide we like it we will maybe get a real fence in the future. Hopefully the birds will come even with the woofie friends around.

The garden before. We rented a rototiller from Home Depot and an mere hour later we had a garden ready for planting peas--which went in the ground today. We also put up the tomato cages and arranged the rest of the garden area for when our seedlings are ready to plant.

The after. The soil looks and feels wonderful!

We also tilled a bit of the front of the house and planted some bulbs we pulled up when we moved, and a few that someone from work had given me. We also made a portion of our fence into a gate so that we can get larger pieces of equipment into the yard--such as the stump grinder that will be coming this week to get rid of the stumps. The gate thing was an undertaking, but done This will also work well to get RHB into the back yard if we need at times as well due to her wheelchair.

I am very excited about the garden this year. We got some new cages for the tomatoes since the one last year all broke. We also got some cages for the peppers, eggplants, and peas. We shall see.

My update . . .

2009-04-05T18:04:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I haven't officially fallen off the blogesphere, but I sure was close. Thanks to Lyn and Daisy for bringing me back to my senses. So, you may be asking yourself what on EARTH has that girl been up to . . .well, I am about to tell you, so hang on tight!

For starters I started my new job in January, and it is great. I mean, I finally feel like I love what I do, I am making a difference, and it is the right balance of having time to do my work, and to see co-workers, families, and kids. There's a group of us that has lunch together most days and it is nice to laugh and to know there are other folks out there doing similar things and experiencing similar struggles. This also means, of course, that I am actually GOING to work each day, and that took some adjusting, and still is a lot. I don't expect any sympathy, I am just sayin . . .also at work, we have had two kids die in the last month or so, and that has been extremely difficult.

Chronic pain . . .never thought if it really, until I realized that on any given day I was in enough pain to put me at a 6-7 on a scale of 1-10. It has taken a lot to work through the pain in my heel, and just in the last few weeks my other heel has decided that it wanted to hurt as well. Just walking to the other side of the room has been excruciating. I had to switch insurance companies when I changed jobs, and now the insurance I have doesn't allow me to see the guy I was seeing for a while without paying a LOT of money. I went to my family doc to get a referral for another foot guy, and she also gave me an anti inflammatory and a pain pill. I took the pain pill the first couple of nights last week, and it was enough to zonk me out, but not sleep at night so I had a few somewhat sleepless nights. However, the anti-inflammatory on the other hand has been amazing. So much so that there have been some parts of the day that I have little to no pain what-so-ever. I will still make an appointment to see the orthopedist, but I am glad to have some pain free time. Doc told me she was shocked at how flat my feet are and wonder if that doesn't have a significant impact on how I feel and my feet.

Speaking of how I feel, DP and I have been doing weight watchers, and I am down about 11.5 lbs in three weeks. The progress has been slow, but steady and I feel like we are on a much more manageable plan. In the past I have done extreme things and they lasted for a while, or I became totally obsessed. Right now there's a balance between eating well, and having some yummy stuff once in a while. We have been experimenting with different grocery stores in the area, including Trader Joes, Whole Foods, and other generic stores. We've always gone to the others at times, but we have been rotating and it is keeping things interesting.

Well, there's more, but I need to eat . . .stay tuned for some more tomorrow.

Hope all if well in your corners.

Weight Loss

2009-04-04T06:22:00.001-05:00

Thanks Lynilu for persevering with me to try and get the weight loss tracker on the page. I started weight watchers two weeks ago and we have been doing really well.

Stay tuned for all this and more to be posted . . in detail . .by the end of the weekend as promised to those of you that saw on facebook!

be back soon!

I should come back

2009-03-18T21:37:00.002-05:00

To blogging that is. Things have been very busy . . .and to top it off we lost another student today . . he died on campus and it was really very traumatic for everyone. I knew this guy, so it made it that much harder. Spent most of my day talking to staff and informing them and then families. Makes no sense at all . ..two otherwise healthy boys in the last month dying . . .the one died while at home, but this guys dad asked rather suggestively "haven't you had someone else die recently" sort of implying we are in the business of killing people . . .we told him the other one died at home and somehow he was comforted by that.

Though someone I know and love and work with on Facebook today wrote "Heaven is a very different place tonight :) " while I wrote "today sucked . . big time . . "

I guess it is all in your perspective--though I wished I could have more of her perspective.

Blast from the past!

2009-03-04T22:04:00.004-05:00

Caroline posted something that made me think and research things that I used to lvoe and adore as a kid! Take a look!!

They're leaving . . on a jet plane!

2009-03-01T11:52:00.002-05:00

No matter how much snow we get tonight, the parentals are leaving on a jet plane tomorrow--I don't care where they go, but they will go. I called dad to say that if the weather was bad today up there then we would drive up there and drive them back . . .his response "Gee, you REALLY want to get rid of us, don't you!"

They are coming in to our house today and then tomorrow I am supposed to take them to the airport. We are supposed to get about 6 inches of snow--which means in these here parts (due South of where Jenster is from!) everything shuts down and the grocery stores get cleaned out of milk, bread, eggs, and apparently cherry yogurt.

Oh well. I just want this trip to be a good one for them. Mom hasn't flown in over 40 years, and dad hasn't flown in a long time. They are going to TX to see my brother and his family. They will stay for about 3 weeks. Then they will come home and they will be radically different for the experience! This is my hope--that they find renewed vigor for life, and realize just what they have been missing my staying holed up at home for the last 10 years.

Should be very interesting!

I would walk 500 miles . .

2009-02-22T17:13:00.002-05:00

It is always something. I am not sure if this is just my lot in life, but if it is, i want a refund.

Let me back up. Last weekend was the most fantastical weekend I have had in a long time. My brother and little tyke were here, and the visit couldn't have gone any better. I am amazed these days at how far i have come with this relationship--from absolutely hating this person, to not even thinking about what happened, and just loving the brother that i now have. i talked about this in therapy the other night, and it still just blows me away to see where i have come from. makes me feel like there is hope on some of the other issues--perhaps forgiving myself will have great results like this as well. . .but i am way off on that one. They left Monday and it was sad to see them go.

we drove up to my folks on Saturday to surprise them and boy were they shocked. they had no idea bro and little tyke were in town, and i think the visit went well.

Then on Monday i found out a resident passed away at work and it was just a long week trying to figure out what my role was-- and having my supervisor and i basically disagree about what my role should be. she is not a social worker, but a behaviorist, and felt that my offering to help staff was counter to what i should be doing, and not appropriate. she doesn't want me blurring those lines with staff and counseling them. while i get that the social workers before me set up a poor boundary with staff, i felt that offering to help staff during this crisis would not only be part of my job, but welcomed--all the while recognizing that i would be supporting staff, not counseling them--we both debated the difference and she didn't seem like there was one. other people felt it sure was nice of me to offer to help staff through this hard time. The guy died quite traumatically, and everyone was in a hard space. even though i knew him and his family, i didn't know them THAT well. but whenever one of the guys dies, i always think about my own brother.

who is apparently not doing well health wise, and my parents still won't deal with his weight issues . . .i think sometimes they want him to die so they won't have to worry about what will happen to him. how else could you know that your child's heart would give at any moment and still not work on it--or even look like you are working on it. very very very frustrating!! maybe if i just start telling myself he will die soon will make it hurt less when it does.

then on Tuesday i decided that i needed to go to the doctor to see about my foot-which wasn't getting any better. i had been hobbling for few weeks. to recap for those who are new, i sprained my ankle two Decembers ago, and during that i tore a bit of my Achilles. i rehabbed it, got better, and periodically would have a few days where it would hurt and then it would get better. the doc said that the torn part probably is getting caught in the joint and making it hurt. i probably need surgery, but it is a long, painful surgery and rehab and i just don't have time for that. so i see the doc again and he takes more xrays and says now i have the added bonus of having a heel spur and a haglands deformity--which looks just like another spur type thing. he thinks the best thing is a cam walker--which is a giant black boot-to rest it so the inflammation goes down. i really like this doc, but since my insurance will be changing on 3/1, he no longer will be able to see me. i know i am fortunate to have medical coverage at all, but i am mourning the loss of my super duper insurance from the old place. i still have it until the end of the month, but then i go to a lower coverage and have to deal with referrals and the like.

who knows where this will end up. it still hurts in the boot, hurts out of the boot. i don't know. i am driving two footed, and i know that isn't the best, but it isn't like i can just stop life--that's not an option right now. i don't have disability benefits until i am there a year.

ok, i am done. went to church today and they talked about their trip to kenya and i am psyched and thinking seriously about whether or not going to kenya in 2010 would be in the cards for me--which i know is a ridiculous thought given my current health status . . . .

went shopping today and apparently the world has been rid of khaki pants, and no one sent me the memo. i am in desperate need of khaki pants and they are no where to be found. i did get a few things--OHHHHH, and went to this super cool plus size boutique last week and got some really neato things. i tried on a million things, and i felt good knowing that the women there would say things looked great on me, and equally they would let me know when things looked not so good. i ended up buying some staple pieces that i can wear with other things, and some super cute things that i was able to preview this week at work. i spent a lot of money on clothes--which is always hard for me, and DP likes to tease me about how much i spent. it was a lot, but i felt cute which rarely happens.

spent Friday night at my folks cleaning out crap again. i was far more grumpy this time than last, but i think it had more to do with me being in pain then my mother being particularly irritating-though she had plenty of that in her too. they are coming to our house next Sunday, and leave for Texas Monday for a month to see my brother. they are excited, but haven't flown in forever and are very worried about all the logistics. i am too, then i remember i don't have to be worried cause they are grown up and can worry about themselves. oh, and did i mention that we will have their dog for the month?? and that their dog is slightly "off" . . weird ass dog if i have ever seen one. should be interesting. we think she will either get better, or die of anxiety.

what else .. .the kids are good. rainy and snowy today so there is mud--BUT GUESS WHAT?? we have hired a lawn care man and he says our lawn isn't the worst he has seen, and he can help. it was a really decent deal and we are waiting to sign on the dotted line.

YEAH--maybe no more mud puddles at some point in the future. i was already prepped that it will take time, but i am ok with that!

ok, i gotta jet since the light in the room had faded, and i am about to lose all my battery juice. hope all is well in your parts of the world.

So I had a good day!

2009-02-11T18:18:00.003-05:00

The days are getting better, and I feel like I at least have a handle on what I am supposed to be doing. I even got a call from the second in command to tell me I was doing a bang up job. I wondered to myself whether or not I could save those calls up and withdraw when he decides in a few months that I have really f-d up. Because I do know him and I know that is in the works at some point.

This weekend my brother and nephew are coming in for a visit. I am so excited to see them . . though this will be a real downer compared to Disney where they are coming from, but I am ok with that. We are going to my folks house to surprise them, since they haven't seen each other in over nine months. They think they are watching the dogs for the day!

Yeah, sometimes surprises are good. Bad days turn around. I realize that I just might know something worth sharing!

Just shoot me now

2009-02-09T17:27:00.002-05:00

I know I am the biggest, fattest baby you have ever seen, but I can't handle the mud. I absolutely, positively cannot stand the muddy paws that like to jump on me--front, back, side, I think they know and they do it deliberately.

I love them dearly, and I would never do anything to harm them, but for a moment today I could see how kids could drive their parents to do very bad things. I am going to look up pet washes and see if we can get one installed that would wash them as soon as they come in the back door.

I need help. I admit it . . .It is going to be a long, very very very very long melting season . . .

Snow Puppies

2009-02-04T21:42:00.004-05:00

When all else fails . . .puppy pictures to the rescue. From today's winter wonderland!

Today!

2009-02-03T21:32:00.001-05:00

Was amazingly better . . .though I am beat. Ready for bed.

Thanks for all your words of wisdom. I think they really helped today to re-read them and know that I am going to be ok.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

How I hope

2009-02-02T20:35:00.002-05:00

. . .that the not knowing stuff gets easier. I feel so lost . . .

I have a saying on my desk that says "Most things are difficult before they are easy." This seems to be my mantra these days.

I need to be more gentle with myself, to remember that most people don't know it all, and that it is ok to say I don't know.

I need to find the confidence, and I need to do it soon. I will be successful, damn it. I will.

C . . .is for . . .

2009-01-22T20:19:00.002-05:00

Jenster started a fun game and I asked if I could play . . . I got the letter "C".

Rules: If you want to play, leave a comment on this post, and I’ll assign you a letter. You write about ten things you love that begin with your assigned letter, and post it at your place. When people comment on your list, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on and on...

1. Cats--> I have always liked them. Consequently when I found out we were moving to PA from NJ, I had visions of a long winding driveway in the country . .and of course a cat. Though my dad said he did not like them. Guess who is his best friend now . . .Ollie the orange tabby cat. I am thankful for the little kitty cat in my life-Oreo.

2. Chocolate--> Need I say more? Cadbury Mini eggs are my favorite. Used to be a once a year treat, but I found out they had cadbury Christmas balls for the holidays.

3. Camping--> Despite my dislike for being dirty and stuff like that, I like camping. I know it is odd, but . . so be it.

4. Coffee--> It is just a good thing to have in your life I think.

5. Communication--> I am learning that life goes much smoother with good communication.

6. Comfy clothing!--> There's nothing like getting home from work and putting on your comfy clothing. Especially when you have your period and feel bloated and stuff.

7. Cookie Dough--> I am not entirely sure why anyone would want to bake the stuff when the raw stuff is so good. I remember feeling so sneaky when I was a pre-teen when my friend and I made two boxes of cookie dough and we froze it so that we could eat it for the next month or so!

8. Cushy chairs--> I have alwasy said that when I get my "beanie shack" I will have cushy chairs in it. In all the art therapy pictures I drew where they discussed what would make you feel safe and such, I would draw a chair. The first major furniture purchase I made was a big cushy chair.

9. Children--> I love children--most everything about them. Especially cooing at babies.

10. Crocs--> They are just really comfortable. I have a pair of regular ones, and a pair of the flip flops. I think I will need to get a new pair for next summer as I have worn my very well.

Well, there you go!

Change is in the air!

2009-01-16T09:00:00.004-05:00

Much change is coming my way . . .from a job, to having to give up my active dislike of G.W, to welcoming a new president . . .I can hardly contain myself.

I officially end my job in the city today. I have finished with clients, and today I really only have a celebratory lunch, and changing of phone messages to say I am gone. It is all so very bittersweet as I have loved 90% of what I have been doing. I will miss the flexibility, the freedom, the families, and the connections I have made with other social workers. There is nothing like being in the presence of other social workers that know first hand what the work is about. It is not that others don't understand, but the feel and support of other social workers is amazing. The 8-4 life will be mine from now on . . .this will be a hard adjustment. Mostly for the puppies. . . yeah, for them really.

They haven't told me anything really about what the contractor role will be, so I don't know much about that. I start the new job on Tuesday--though I wish I could call out sick. I am sure they will not be watching the inauguration, so I am taping it on CNN and NBC. The energy around this change is palpable, and I am excited to see what America can become again. I am expecting that it will get worse before better, but I am ok with that.

I didn't watch any of W.'s speech last night . . .I also can't get the anti-Bush paraphernalia off my car . .they have been on there for over 5 years . . .good thing I need a new car by summer.

The new job has already started--and I realize I will need to be able to set limits, take criticism, and be more vocal about my ideas. All things that are very challenging for me. The awesome things is that therapy has been great lately, and we have been working on all of this. Now I just need to put things into perspective and not continue to feel like i need to do it perfectly.

Ok, ADD moment-I am watching TV while posting--I get so freaking emotional when watching the Biggest L*ser and there's the one person who is coming in dead last . . .and inevitably they all go out and help that person finish. . .way to help the fat kid. I wish I had someone to help me cross the finish line . . .

In other news--Riley has been very sick, though I think he has a bit more pep in his step today. After the kennel debacle, he had to go to the vet and was diagnosed with giardia, kennel cough, and eye funk. Over $300 later, he seems to be on the mend. This has officially become the most expensive vacation we have ever had!! I sure do love that little fellow though, and even though it's a lot of money, his face was pathetic. I know many of you have seen this picture already, but just for more sympathy, here is is again:

Until next time, I hope you are all staying warm out there!

I can't help sharing!

2009-01-07T09:02:00.001-05:00

Thanks KJ!

Kennel Update

2009-01-05T21:58:00.003-05:00

So DP called the kennel--thanks in part to my annoying her endlessly until she did. THANKS sweetie!

They said the daycare was actually closed due to a bad case of puppy bronchitis and they were instructed by their vet to not have daycare. They also said it was a pretty serious strain, and that we should watch the dogs. Would you have not thought this would have been important to mention to us when we picked the dogs up?

As for the toys, they said that during high traffic times, such a holidays that they do not use toys brought from home since it is too much to keep track of. Again, fishy if i say so myself.

all of it makes sense, but doesn't make me feel like i want to use them again. Jen, you will have to share with me where you took Sookie.

oh well, at least we are home and back with our woofies. riley is much more clingy than usual, and we think he has a cold. he is sneezing up a storm, and has a really runny nose. i sort of feel like i should shove tissues up hi nose like i do when my nose is runny in the middle of the night. i use one tissue and plug up both holes. works well for catching the drips--even if i do look like a bull.

alas, i don't think we would appreciate the gesture. for now it is enough to stay out of line of snot fire when he sneezes.

thanks for all your encouragement with what we should ask and say at the kennel.

Special message for Lyn--3 posts in two days!! what do i get for THAT?

Things for the New Year

2009-01-05T20:43:00.000-05:00

For the New Year, we have decided to work on the following:

1. Eating better . . .This means eating more food that we prepare from in season food, food that we can get locally, organic vegetables (we would want more organic, but we can't afford it all). We will only eat out once a week as well. We will try and make meals that we can freeze for future days. (This means buying a small freezer for the basement) DP will work on learning to can for the summer when we have veggies. I have also made a commitment to not be so rigid about my food and counting calories and such. With my new birthmas present, i have downloaded an application called Lose it. Here i can record my food daily from a searcheable database. I can even add foods that aren't listed, and it keeps them for me to refer to later. Also tracks nutrients that I select such as carbs and fiber, and weight chart. You can add exercise and with all the info you put in it tells you what you should be eating calorie wise given what you want to lose.

2. Money . . .we want to work on our debt. We have so much debt . . .heard a sermon today at church about working as hard as you can to eliminate debt. They also talked about what it would be like if this financial crisis is only the beginning and it gets worse-a lot worse? I just don't want to have all this hanging on me. While I type this, I also know that we will need to replace my car in the next six months, and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight for this. But alas we will try and work on it diligently.

3. Exercise . . .we decided to each be responsible for a pup a day and being sure they get walked. Also, once i start the new job they have a gym there and i am secretly excited about prospects of working out again. i am definitely a gym kind of person, so this will be good. i need to get myself into some kind of better shape physically. given that i am already dealing with bone and body issues, it makes sense that i work on this--though it hurts to work on it.

4. Flexibility . . .DP keeps reminding me that I need to be flexible, and I have been able to ask for more support about challenging my thoughts about rigidity. She is doing all of this with me, and i can't tell you how much that means to me. everything you read says that outcomes are much better when you have support, and even more so when that support is the closest person to you. together we have a better chance at succeeding.

I just want to feel better about myself. I am really working on myself and am doing so well, and these things can only move me forward. I need to find the balance between healthy and obsessive . . This is hard for me as I get obsessive very quickly.

Wish us luck! It has been a few days, and we are doing well. I even tried raw cauliflower today and liked it. People, this is HUGE! I am excited!

Finally Back

2009-01-04T17:16:00.005-05:00

Hellllllloooooo Everyone! I am glad to be back and in a space that I can write and let everyone know what I have been up to. Thanks Lyn for the swift kick in the a** to get me going.

First off, it was a very good vacation. We did a lot of traveling. Typically this would be a good thing, and in the past we have always booked on Midwest as we thought they had the larger and more comfortable seats around--oh, and you get a free chocolate chip cookie. Who can beat that. Well, seems as if Midwest has done some downsizing and now are only flying their smaller planes to WI--meaning smaller seats. This sucks people because I have a fat bottom. In fact, so does DP-->two fat bottoms in a small seat does not for a good flight make. We have come to accept this, and are working on reducing the largeness of our bottoms . . .but alas I digress. We get on the plane and find ourselves very, VERY close. Smushed to the point that we weren't going ANYWHERE should that plane have gone down. It was quite embarrassing really, and I am so glad I was traveling with DP and could be close to her. We vowed to not feel that way the next time we fly.

We were delayed getting out of Philly by about 3 hours, though we did get to see Santa at the airport and had our picture taken with him. We made it to Green Bay around 6pm which wasn't too bad. It was -5 degrees when we got there--COLD, but there was a ton of snow on the ground, and it snowed almost every other day while there.

While there we enjoyed the company of DP's family, including her sister and her boyfriend who came over from MN. We had a good time on Christmas day, and watched a few movies while there-including my new favorite-Mama Mia! How fun is that movie. I voted to watch the sing along version, but was vehemently shot down.

The day after we celebrated my birthday by going shopping. Not my first choice of birthday activities, but it was tolerable and I even managed to find some goodies.

I got the best Birthmas present this year. I got an iPhone which I am in love with. I am struggling right now with finding that balance between wanting to be connected, and feeling TOO connected. It was lovely to be able to look something up the other day while DP was driving, and be able to click on a phone number from a website and have the phone call it. I have been slightly distressed about not having the calendar application I need, since a majority of the reason I got this thing was to reduce the amount of gadgets I carry. I am looking at how I can get Outlook. It is very expensive, and I thought I would see if maybe someone had it that I could use. We will see. Once that little bug is figured out I will feel settled with it. For now I will maintain my Palm. DP was very jealous of my phone and ended up buying one of her own last night with her Christmas earnings.

I received a lot of other great things, and I am continually amazed at how well DP's family knows me and gets me. Their gifts are generally spot on!

It was good to just hang out and lay low. We had to board the dogs, and we were missing them a lot. Luckily we had Riley's sister Molly to keep us company. She was a riot in the snow, and made us wonder how Riley would be in the snow--not that we will ever know because apparently it doesn't snow in PA anymore.

As for the pups . . .we boarded them at this place that looks great, and the people seemed really nice. We visited twice and made the decision to board there even though it was pricey and about 40 minutes away. We signed them up for three half days of daycare each, and gave them the appropriate number of toys allowed. They would be boarded together, which we were happy about. We called once and checked on them and they said they were doing well. We picked them up and checked out. We realized we weren't charged for daycare, but just assumed they forgot to charge us. When we got home, we realized that none of their toys had been taken out of the bag, and I was really mad about this. Could it have been that they didn't go to daycare and also didn't have their toys? This was NOT a cheap place to board the dogs, and I am really upset thinking that they were in the kennel for 10 days with no toys and no opportunity to get out. Also, when we picked them up we were told that Addie had pooped in the kennel that morning and they needed to bathe them . . .we got there around 1pm and they were still pretty wet, and it was COLD. I don't know. I am really upset and want to call and ask them, but what do I say . . .I am SO not confrontational! I think we will look for another place to try the next time.

Riley starts training this week, and due to Addie's behavior and the fact that the class is not full, they are going to let us bring Addie back through as well for a refresher. Since the kennel, Addie has been acting out and growling and snapping at Riley for coming near her, or near any of the toys. They seem to be better today, but they weren't really like this before. We have to be better at walking them daily, and have decided that we will each be responsible for a pup a day to walk.

What else--more about my visit with my parents in another post. We went up there after we returned on 1/31 and spent new Years with them. As always it was a dramatic event . . .

Hope you all had a great holiday and Happy New Year.

A sort of not so uplifting holiday post--but please read anyway!

2008-12-23T12:59:00.003-05:00

I have been thinking about this post for a while, and thought while I am stuck inside due to a gigantic pileup if snow outside here in Wisconsin I would write. As most of you know, I am a social worker right now in the inner city working with very low income families who have children with autism, or children who are waiting for a diagnosis of autism. Many of these families would consider their child’s autism to be the least of their worries . . .

In this job I have come face to face with poverty and disparity like I had only read about in textbooks. Families who are living within a system that doesn’t even give them a chance to get ahead that so many of them stop trying. Most of the families I work with are single moms who cannot afford to go to work, because their minimum wage jobs would not meet their needs—paying for child care, feeding kids, living in a home. What incentive do these moms have to go out and work when the system doesn’t help support them?

As a social worker with these families, I am working in their homes and I see firsthand the conditions in which they live. The bugs they have come to ignore, the bone chilling cold they fight through, the violence outside their doors—in some cases the violence inside their homes.

Yes, I know, this is my job, and not everyone can do it. Thing is, sometimes I question MY ability to do it. I question myself most during the holidays. This all started when I worked with a family to get their stuff ready for Toys for Tots. The mom called me a few weeks ago and asked if I could get some toys for her 6 year old son. I barely got her on the list, and called her last week to say I would be there to deliver the toys. She began to cry and said she didn’t know if I was going to get stuff for her, and she was prepared to tell her kids that Santa just couldn’t come this year. This made me so very sad. Glad that I could get her stuff, but for every child who gets some stuff, there is any number of kids who Santa won’t come to.

I get to drive away from the city after my day is over and leave that behind. Though it doesn’t really leave my mind. I often think about these families and how resilient they are. Could I live in a home that had holes in it to the ground below outside? Could I ignore the bugs crawling on the walls? Could I live with 5 other people in one room? Could I walk my kids to school each day past the drug dealers and prostitutes? It makes me sad that people even have to do this.

I wonder at times what these families could/would do if only given a fair chance at making it . . .if they had schools that actually taught their children instead of maintaining them during the day. If the streets were safe for kids to play in and the children could play with one another instead of watch TV, which by the way is powered by a cord going out their window and into the next door neighbors house since they don’t have electricity. What if they had good food to eat and it was just as cost efficient for them to eat healthy food as it was to get friend chicken. I can’t tell you how many times I have been offered fried chicken . . .

I read a book once called “The Myth of the Welfare Queen” and a majority of it was based in my city. It was fascinating to read about the lengths that some families go to get their needs met, and how defeated even the best of intentions can make them feel. I feel often like I am striking a fine balance between wanting to be helpful and not being demeaning and patronizing.

I am not sure where all this is going. I just know that this year, more than most I was having strong feelings about my job, the families I work with, and the conditions in which they live. Maybe I am feeling guilty about giving up this job in order to go work in the suburbs . . . though truth be told I wouldn’t be leaving if I knew I had continued funding in this job. As hard as it is, it has also been the most rewarding job I have ever had. I have learned so much from these families, and have even told them so. This means more to them than any gift I would/could give them I think. To know that they are able to give back, to mean something to someone. Isn’t that what any of us want? To be loved, to know you are thought of and cared for?

As I sit here looking at a tree full to the brim with presents, I send well wishes to my families and all those around who are not as fortunate as we are. I wish them love and peace in this season. I wish I could do more, give more, be more, have more, say more, mean more. I have given what I can, and at the end of the day I have to be ok with that-though it is hard to be so limited sometimes. I feel bad at times for what I do have—like last year as I was leaving work early to get home in a snow storm. A family called me to tell me their heater wasn’t working and the landlord was not responding. I cried that night in my warm home thinking of those kids and that family.

One last thing gift that these families have given me . . .they have made me look at the way I have judged others and how I have fed into stereotypes. For instance, I went to visit a family, and as I was driving up to the house I was scared. It was a street with rows of abandoned homes with doors beaten down, windows knocked out, and trash littering the street. I located the number of the house-which has been spray painted on and was fading. I took a deep breath, made sure I had my cell phone in hand, and went to the door. What I found on the other side was nothing less than beautiful. While there was little furnishings, it was warm-not temperature, but it was a home. It was probably the neatest home I had been in thus far, and the family was as caring as could be. Now when I drive by these homes I think of all the wonderful things happening behind those doors. I know there are other doors that have ugly evil things happening, but for now I choose to focus on the good.

Ok, this very long post . . . Send up a good thought or prayer for all these families and others, maybe- your own family members or friends who aren’t as fortunate this time of year, or any other time of the year. I wish love, grace, and peace to all of you this day.

And we're off . .almost

2008-12-21T21:03:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow morning we leave for Wisconsin. We hear it is very cold there, and should make it all the way up to 6 degrees tomorrow when we arrive. This used to be a problem when I was reluctant to wear my winter coat. Mostly because I hated to sit down in my jacket as it would all push up and I would have a big bulge to deal with.

Well friends, I discovered something that apparently EVERYONE else in the world has known for years except me. Did YOU know that the double zipper on jackets was for you to zip UP in order to sit down? I never knew this, and since this discovery a few days ago my life has been transformed. I am no longer resistant to wear my winter coat. The cold weather is much more manageable now!

What else . . .I have been working a lot. I gave my official notice last Friday . . .and I have been doing a few hours each week at the new job in order to overlap with the current social workers. It has been good, but makes for long weeks.

I have a post inside of my head about being a social worker during the holiday season. Perhaps on Tuesday I will get that one out. Don't hold your breathe!!

If I am not back before the holiday, I wish all 4 of you a very happy, healthy, wondiferous holiday and new year.

Oh, in other news I will be another year older in a few days as well, and I am hoping old-agehood is good to me! Happy Birthday to me!

Hope all is well, and WARM in your parts.

Muddy Buddy

2008-12-10T22:32:00.001-05:00

For you Lyn!

CHEX MUDDY BUDDIES

9 c. Chex cereals (corn, rice and/or wheat)
1 c. semi sweet chocolate chips
1/2 c. peanut butter
1/4 c. butter
1/4 tsp. vanilla
1 1/2 c. powdered sugar

Pour cereal into large bowl and set aside. Combine chocolate chips, peanut butter and butter in 1 quart microwavable bowl. Microwave on high for 1 to 1 1/2 minutes or until smooth (stir after 1 minute). Stir in vanilla. Pour chocolate mixture over cereal and stir until all pieces are evenly coated.

Pour cereal mixture into large container (with seal) with powdered sugar. Seal securely. Shake until all pieces are well coated. Spread on wax paper to cool. Store in an airtight container. Makes 9 cups.

from: http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,176,159183-232197,00.html

How Facebook has taken over my life

2008-12-09T12:37:00.000-05:00

I am not sure who started me on it, but damn that fool who thought I could be responsible and not abuse the privilege of seeing into the lives of a million of my friends--some close, some so very far away you wonder if you really even know them or if they just happened upon your lunch table and asked to sit down.

It has been a very good waster of time, facilitator of relationships, vehicle by which to see hideous pictures of your friends, and a faith builder in hopes that your friends don't post hideous pictures of YOU!

It has been wonderful to catch up with folks from high school, college, and other random places--even some bloggers here have found me. A little wild that so many of your worlds can collide in one place.

Well, I am off to see if anyone else wants to be my friend!

Kids

2008-12-05T13:45:00.003-05:00

Since I haven't posted any photos lately . . .

Oh what a week . . .

2008-12-01T21:21:00.001-05:00

What a busy week. Surgery, turkey, family, hooligan puppies . . .

Sheesh. I should have more to say, but right now I am tired and need to be ready to go to work tomorrow. I started again today, but worked at home.

I need to get used to going back to an office daily . .more about that later.

Hope you are all well and had a great holiday. I had the last of the leftovers today and they were yummy-licious!

Thanks Cyni-Lu for this one as well . . .

2008-11-25T09:24:00.001-05:00

Please Watch-Let me know what you think.

2008-11-25T08:59:00.002-05:00

In memory of Toothy . . .

2008-11-22T12:00:00.002-05:00

Droopy . . .Brownie . . .Toothy

We lost a little piggy this morning . . .Toothy was one of the three brothers we brought home from the guinea pig rescue--the one who dove off the table and broke all of his teeth off the first day we had him--thus the name Toothy. We had to hand feed him for a week or so until his teeth grew back. Now we just have Droopy left as we lost Brownie early on to sickness about a year and a half ago. I think after the Droopy goes we will not get any little critters for a while. We had a good run with these little guys and now we've got big Pups to deal with as well.

Just thought I would share.

Update-how's that for creative!`

2008-11-22T07:19:00.002-05:00

Ok, so here goes-

1. I am still not feeling all that great, though I am a bit better. Surgery is scheduled for Monday afternoon, and should be a go unless I deteriorate quickly which is not likely. My parents are coming in tomorrow as the surgery is scheduled for the same time that I was to be at the airport getting my brother off the plane from his visit to see my other brother. DP will now go get him, and dad will go with me to the hospital. Having my parents here will be its own kind of stress, but they are fairly good caretakers in these types of situations . . .though if mom calls one more time to ask about food I will have to scream. Mom said she didn't want me to be stressed about the menu like I was last Christmas, and I reminded her that I wasn't stressed about it, but her daily calls to check on what we were having, what the plans were, was the shopping done . . .THAT is what was stressful! I told her this past week that I would have her a menu by this weekend, and she promptly called Wednesday and told me I had taken too long and she informed me of what the plan would be . . .hello, NOT THE WEEKEND MOTHER! Oh well. I am glad they are coming to help out. They were supposed to come Tuesday anyways, and they will leave Saturday.

2. As you may or may not know, I am currently working as a social worker in a grant funded position which was originally set to end funding in June, but they got an extension until the end of January. I have been wondering what was going to happen with me and a job as of January, and we met before my trip to San Diego and we agreed that I would start worrying at the end of November. Fast forward to last week when a friend that works at a place that I worked at for 6 years called and said there was a social work position available in their school and would I be interested in interviewing for it.

Now, a little background about this place. It is a residential facility and a school for children and adults who have autism, traumatic brain injury, developmental disabilities, etc. I started working there in 2000 and worked my way up in the course of 6 years. I was very well respected there, and left a very good impression on them. I enjoyed my time there, though at the end the last position I had was a bit rough-but I think that was because the program I was in was in its infancy and there was a lot of kinks to work out. Then I had to finish my masters and then there wasn't an appropriate position for me and I left. DP continued to work there for a bit after I left, and then she too left. Every time I went back, I would be constantly stopped by staff to ask how I was and to chat with me.

I went for an interview on Wednesday, and they offered me the job at the end asking me to let them know by Friday what I was going to do. I would be working in the school as a social worker--a lot of transition planning and family counseling. The money is good, and the hours would be 8-4 ish . . .no on call, no weekends unless I need to meet with visiting families. It is 16 minutes from my house, and in the middle of the country with horses and I can bring the dog. Yeah, this is a place where the two top in charge have dogs running around and it is not uncommon for dogs to be in classrooms and offices. I suggested they start a doggie day care and the vocational rooms could help run it and the CEO said that was a great idea . . .we'll see.

In any case, I accepted the position and will start full time in the middle of January. I then had to talk to my current supervisor about it-who started this whole thing when last Monday I asked her--"So, If a job happens to come my way, what would you suggest?" She told me that I should look into it. I took that as permission and reassurance that they really had nothing for me after January. She took the news well, and asked me if I would stay on as a contractor to keep the program going on a night/weekend basis for 8 hours a week. I will probably do this so at least I can still help out, and it is extra money for me.

I am excited about the opportunities that this new job can have. DP asked me if I was sorry that I took the job I have now, and I said absolutely NOT. I have learned so much in this job that I wouldn't trade for anything. I remember being so scared about doing home visits and working in the city with the population that I do, and now I am honored to have been in this situation. It will all be helpful--especially if they move me to the Director of Social Services role, which they talked about happening. Right now I would be the only SW so being a director now would be pointless, but they are looking to bring in a part time SW for the adults.

All very exciting. I am definitely feeling better knowing that I will have a steady job lined up, and that while the job itself will be new, the people there really respect me and are so glad to have me coming back.

I should get going--we have a very long list of things to do today, and a puppy play date at 1pm. What fun!

High School . . .

2008-11-21T16:05:00.001-05:00

Thanks Lyn! Another thought provoking post from me . . .

1. Did you date someone from your school? Nope
2. Did you marry someone from your high school? Nope
3. Did you car pool to school? When my bro was a senior he drove me, but other than that I was on bus 16!
4. What kind of car did you have? I had a Chevy Cavalier
5. What kind of car do you have now? Saturn
6. It's Friday night...where are you now? Wondering when it is bedtime, watching TV
7. It is Friday night...where were you? Marching band, or getting high--depending on the season
8. What kind of job did you have in high school? I worked at McDonalds
9. What kind of job do you do now? Licensed Social Worker
10. Were you a party animal? nope
11. Were you considered a flirt? nope
12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Marching, concert, AND jazz band!
13. Were you a nerd? nope
14. Did you get suspended or expelled? sadly, yes. several times .. .
15. Can you sing the fight song? uh, nope.
16. Who was/were your favorite teacher? I liked Mr. Miller for Spanish--he was nice. Mr. White was my favorite--anyone who can make history fun is good in my book. I had him in 8th grade and then again in 10th.
17. Where did you sit during lunch? I usually went to the band room and ate, or i didn't eat

18. What was your school's full name? Stroudsburg High School
19. When did you graduate? 1995
20. What was your school mascot? Mountie
21. If you could go back and do it again, would you? Nope--it was awful!
22. Did you have fun at Prom? Didn't go
23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with? didn't go
24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion? nope
25. Do you still talk to people from school? Thanks to facebook I have reconnected with some
26. What are/were your school's colors? Maroon and Gold

27. What grades did you make? Mostly A/B's, but I failed a marking period of Chem once.

28. What was your favorite class/subject? Creative writing and languages (spanish and french)

29. Did you belong to any clubs? Spanish club, peer counseling (though i am not sure how the hell they thought i was competent enough to do this, but they chose me . . .), Student's with a testimony,

30. Were you popular? dear god no. i have more friends now from high school through facebook then i did in high school.

Easy Post for sick, snowy days . . .

2008-11-20T15:47:00.002-05:00

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? A combination of both depending on the item . . .
2. Real tree or Artificial? Artificial
3. When do you put up the tree? Thanksgiving Day!
4. When do you take the tree down? Usually by the beginning of February
5. Do you like eggnog? Yes
6. Favorite gift received as a child? My Cabbage Patch Dolls
7. Hardest person to buy for? My parents
8. Easiest person to buy for? My brother
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Sort of, we have the Precious Moments Sugartown and it has a nativity, but we don't have a sperate set up.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail-didn't think you could or should email holiday wishes . .
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Any gift that was also supposed to be my birthday gift!
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? not sure . . .
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? I sort of shop all year round
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yuppers
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Homemade cookies
16. Lights on the tree? Yes, white ones. And they don't move either . . .can't stand moving/blinking lights
17. Favorite Christmas song? Drummer Boy or O, Holy Night
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Both, depending on the year
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? probably not
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Star
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Chrismas morning-though when I was a kid we would do some on Christmas eve at grandma's house.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Commercialism . . .got have MORE MORE MORE
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Ornaments that have meaning . . .
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Whatever . . .I think we had pot roast last year and it was good
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? an uneventful trip to WI where I don't get injured--and maybe a new blackberry or iphone . . .

Hiding . . .

2008-11-18T13:02:00.003-05:00

I am hiding for a bit--be back soon. I should be back around this weekend. Then my surgery is Monday so I will be out for a few days. Hope all is well in your corners.

The internet is BAD!

2008-11-05T21:39:00.002-05:00

The internet is very bad for wandering eyes like myself who search on You Tube for sinus surgery. BAD BAD BAD . . .I am canceling the surgery right now . . .ok, I know that is rash . . .but still you should SEE what they do to your nose innards . . .

The next president--I can't believe it!!! :) :)

2008-11-04T23:06:00.003-05:00

Not so thankful Thanksgiving-

2008-11-04T20:23:00.003-05:00

Guess who is having surgery the day after Thanksgiving? I went to see the surgeon today, and after ruthlessly shoving a tube in my nose, he determines that I have very large cysts taking residence in both of maxillary sinuses. Apparently you could see the invaders while he was in there, but I was tearing up and couldn't keep my eyes open. He said there was very little to do but remove them.

Now, he said it shouldn't be as bad as the last surgery where he had to make my sinus cavities larger and fix the septum. There's a possibility he can do the whole thing through the scope and get both cysts out. Then again, he said that because of the size he might not be able to get them very easily. In that case the best way to get the suckers out is through my mouth. Yes, I know, doesn't that sound horrid? It is called a caldwell luc procedure--check out the photos if you dare . . .The first option would have me laid up for a few days, the other he said about a week. I asked him if they both would require the nasty nose vacuum, and he said they would. Sheesh . . .the second type has a better chance of eliminating the cysts and preventing them from coming back like they did this time.

So I figured I would need to have the surgery well in advance of flying for Christmas, and this was the best time we could come up with. Darn it . . .

On another note, they had the computer on with the pictures of my brain, and it was neato to see by brains and eye balls and stuff from the MRI. Looks just like it does on TV.

Little Tyke . . .

2008-11-02T23:34:00.004-05:00

So cute-I hate to leave him . . .he only wanted to hold MY hand the last few days in the parking lot, and her has been so snuggly . . .he says he won't fit in my suitcase though and refuses to try. Stubborn 4.75 year old . . .

San Diego-Day 3

2008-10-29T00:46:00.006-05:00

Today was my whirlwind tour of San Diego. Sorry Rebecky, but LaJolla was not in the cards for this trip. I started on the tour at 2:15 and got back to the hotel at 10pm . . . The tour was great, and here are some highlights. I have to say that I am sooo mad at my camera. We have rechargeable batteries--three of them to be exact and all three were charged before I left. None of them worked for more than a few pictures, and I had to buy regular batteries which the camera just ate up quickly. Not good for mass picture taking. Oh well. Maybe someone will get us a new one for Christmas. Here's a photo of a coast guard ship from the ferry to Coronado.

A neat picture of a ship on the bay. Nice photo if I say so myself.

There's a thing called Urban Trees, where there are sculptures such as these along the road that borders the bay. This was an awesome one . . .

Cactus garden in Balboa park. There were some FUNKY cacti in this place. The views were fantastic . . .wanted to stay longer, but I didn't have much time to gallivant while on the tour.

Also in Balboa Park--there were lots of globes that were decorated with earth saving themes . . .I liked this one best. They lined on of the walkways, and also surrounded the fountain.

Balboa Park--beautiful and so not enough time to see everything . . .

This morning started with me accompanying my co-worker and her partner to the courthouse so they could be married. It was amazing to see them, and the other couples who had come to be joined in marriage. I am amazed to hear the commercials here in California that are in opposition of same sex marriage--some are down right mean. I also heard someone in Philly donated $900,000 to California to help the fight to ban same sex marriage. I know there are all sorts on many different sides of this issue, but I have to say, for a brief moment today I felt like there was hope that I, and others like me, could feel the experience the same things that other people get to experience.

Sigh . . .ok, I need to go to bed as my presentation is tomorrow at 8am. Wish me luck!

(ps--this is so not checked for grammar and spelling, so please forgive me. I am BEAT!)

San Diego--Day 2 in pictures

2008-10-28T00:37:00.005-05:00

OK, so these aren't in the order of my day, but I am tired and it will have to do. Here's a shot of some of the shops that I went to today. I skipped out early on a session and went to check it out. It looked like a little village of shops. This pictures doesn't do it justice, but it was cute. I got a gift for DP and a cute pirate shirt for Little Tyke.

This is a shot of only HALF of the HUGE convention center. My day started at 6:30 am for the social work business meeting. This was held in a hotel to the right of the center.

Near the Seaport Village where I went shopping-there was a park and you could see the boats going by and this was just a neat shot. A little fuzzy, but good. Great walking areas here--though the grass is funny. I haven't figured out why it is weird, but it is. Sort of like a mix between astroturf and real grass . . .is it a California thing?

What's this? I died and went to heaven . . .oh no. This is just the pool area at the hotel my stuff was in today. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT--look how freaking cool it was. It went most of the way around this restaurant on a hill. Very nice . . .

Another picture from the park I was walking in by the water.

The sight right outside of my hotel. Look at those trees. The grassy area must be an informal dog park area. Lots of dogs, and poop bag stations.

Tomorrow I am going to see my co-worker get married, then I will go to lunch, and then off for the trolley tour. I am excited. I had dinner with my boss, her daughter and friend, another nurse from Philly, and someone else I can't remember. We watched the Phillies game until it was rained out. Fun times. Then I headed to the rooftop pool and hot tub. Now, I am beat. Till tomorrow . . .

San Diego--Day 1

2008-10-26T22:52:00.002-05:00

My day started off really early this morning--I was at the airport by 6am. It was early and I didn't want to get coffee cause I wasn't sure if my butt would fit in the potty on the plane. (It fit fine, so next time I am getting the jumbo size!)

They told me to go to gate C25, which I dutifully did after getting a bagel sandwich that I would leisurely enjoy when I got to the gate with plenty of time to spare. Well, I get to said gate and the destination says Minneapolis . . .Uh, I am going to San Diego. She says they told me the wrong gate . . .really I needed to be at A23 (my SEAT number was C25?), which was seriously about 2 miles away. At this point I am hot because I had on long pants and long sleeve shirt and fleece. I start to strip, and high tail it to my gate. I stop to go to the bathroom, and realize I am sweating like a pig. Damn it.

I get to the gate and they are boarding. I open my sandwich to eat before I get on the plane, and realize the food is cold, AND they made it on a cheddar jalapeno bagel--which if you know me, you know I can't have spicy food. I eat the egg out of it, and the bottom of the bagel and trash the rest.

I get on the plane, all the way four rows from the back, and I get there and there is no more room in the overhead thing. Lady tells me to go toward the front. I turn around and there are a ton of people behind me. I can't move, no one will help. I stand there looking like I might cry. Finally the bag gets stowed 10 rows up, and I take my seat.

I am sitting next to two very interesting folks, and we end up chatting at the end. We watched Cinderella Man--which I wouldn't have normally chosen, but it was good. Indian man next to me is veterinarian headed to LaJolla for the USDA conference, and girl next to him is from Scranton and going to same conference as me. Just returned from two years in the peace corps. Good talk all around. We land and I get to cab very unceremoniously.

Get to hotel and I am not quite dried off from morning sweat, and now I have new sweat because it is 84 in SD today, and I am still in long sleeve pants and shirt. They don't have a room ready for me yet, cause it is only 11am here . . and I have been awake for hours, I am sweaty, and I need new clothes on. I take my stuff to the potty and put shorts and shirt on. I feel slightly better, but still wish I could change in room. They will call me when it is ready.

I go across street to convention center and the place is bigger than our airport I think. HUGE-there are like 12,000 people at this conference, and this is nothing compared to what it will look like tomorrow. I go to the opening session and they call to say room is ready. I go back, unpack, talk to DP--HI!!!, and then go back for new member session and check out co-workers poster presentation. The exhibit hall is HUGE and has a ton of stuff in it and I can't process that right now. Maybe tomorrow.

Somewhere along the way I go to a little cafe and have diner--by myself. A nice panini, salad, and diet soda. I haven't ever been to a real restaurant by myself, and I am working my way up to it. Even though I have some co-workers here, I don't know them all that well, and none have been overly excited about contacting me to hang out. I saw one and her partner while I was eating, and they stopped and chatted for a few minutes. They are getting married on Tuesday here in CA and they are excited. We are all supposed to go watch, but I don't know about how I feel about that--nor do I know how I would get there.

So much to take in. The trees I have never seen before, the beautiful area I am staying in, the people running around with fake blood on them for the Zombie Walk?? I want to get to the water some time, and there is a cute little shopping center near the bay which I may be able to take the little trolley to. The same little trolley does a little historic tour which I might try and catch at some point.

All of this after some sleep . . .it is after midnight in my head, and I need to sleep. Till tomorrow.

Hey good looking, what'cha got cooking?

2008-10-24T16:24:00.004-05:00

Some folks have inquired about the recipes I have made, and so I thought I would post the recipes so far that we have made. All three have been great, and they all came from The book . . . . ???
Stay tuned . . .

***UPDATE***

DP says I can't post the recipes due to something like copyright infringement . . .so I don't know what to do. What's so bad about some jail time . . .can I post the recipes if I give them a pseudonym and not list the book . . .don't people share recipes all the time?

Addie's Corner-Episode 6

2008-10-24T16:06:00.004-05:00

Well, looks like the little fellow is NOT going back to where he came from, and so I have had to learn to live with him. Seems I now have to share EVERYTHING with him--good thing I poop my brains out and need special food--since that means at least I don't have to share that with him. He is on my bed, in my kennel, with my people . . .what is up with that?

He sleeps funny, too. You see this picture--he is always upside down and spread eagle. Does he not have ANY modesty? This was a picture of him on the makeshift bed he made on the floor in the mom's room. Right after that the mom's thought he was really cute and said he could sleep on a big boy bed. Now I even have to share the end of the bed with him since he sleeps in the bedroom now. Oh well, since there's no heat on yet, he makes for some good warmth!

Sometimes when I need a break from the little whippersnapper, I go into the crate. I still seem to think I can fit in there-and even if I can't I will squeeze myself in there for some peace and quiet. Though sometimes my solitude is infiltrated . . .

However, at the end of the day, after all is said and done, and after he has stolen my people, eaten my sticks, played with my friends, laid on my bed, drank my water, played with my toys, jumped, humped, and thumped on me . . .

He ain't heavy . . .he's my brother and I love him very much.

Medical Update

2008-10-23T15:39:00.002-05:00

Hey there folks. I am not sure if I talked at all about my headaches on this blog, but the last few months I have been getting these horrible headaches, and nothing has really touched it. It was getting to the point where sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night with a splitting headache. One night I even cried and cried it hurt so much.

Well, it finally got to the point where I took myself to the doctor. She thought it might be a sinus infection gone wrong, and so she prescribed and antibiotic and muc*nex. Days later it wasn't better and I was sure I had a brain tumor. They told me to get and MRI and luck was on my side and I got in the same day to have the MRI. I guess when you say you need a brain MRI they feel it is important.

I went and actually had a headache during the test which I thought was a bonus. They did the test normal, and then shot me up with something to make my head glow. The test is done and they said they would call back in 24-48 hours. I get a call this morning and they tell me that my sinuses under my eyes, and somewhere else are completely blocked up, and one that is blocked up has fluid all stuck in it. No wonder I have headaches and am dizzy--especially when I lay down. During the worst headaches, the only thing that relieved them a tiny bit was sleeping sitting up. The doc told me to call the ENT right away and see if I could get an appointment.

Here's the kicker--I had surgery in 2003 for my sinuses--fixed a deviated septum and enlarged my sinuses which couldn't drain. Here's the other thing--you all know how much I despise George W--well, that sinus surgery was so awful I wouldn't even wish this on him. I had to wear a nose bra for days afterward since you can't blow your nose, and you have to have a dedicated DP who will stick q-tips up your nose to pull out goobers. And this was only having been together for a few months. So, nose bra, no blowing of my nose, and weekly trips to get vacuumed out.

Yes, you heard me right. Once a week for about a month I had to go get a long thing stuck up my nose and they vacuumed out my sinuses. It made me want to vomit every time, and I think once I passed out. I can't remember because that was so traumatic I have blocked it from my mind. Imagine you are vacuuming on the floor--you know the slurping noise it makes, and then something stops it up and the whirring stops--that's what it sounded like in my head and the stopping was only when it located a big goober that needed to be extracted from the deep depths of my head.

I can't tell you how much I am not looking forward to a second round of this. How do your sinuses even get blocked beyond repair?

I have to say, I am glad it wasn't a brain tumor, and glad that the pain wasn't all in my head--I mean it IS all in my head, but you know what I mean. The ENT was able to get me in the day after I get back from San Diego. What fun to look forward to.

I will keep you posted.

Grab a cup of something and settle in-

2008-10-16T18:23:00.002-05:00

Hi. How are you all doing? I am ok. I went to the doctor today to see what is up with these crazy headaches I have been getting on on off for the last two months. Also some weird heart racing. No big deal. I get there and they take my BP and is it high--usually is at first. Doc comes in, talks to me for a bit, takes it again, and it is higher. She pokes around and thinks I have a sinus infection which may be causing the headaches. I have a long history of sinus issues and so this is not a far cry from what could be happening. She listed to the ticker and declares that fine as well. Obviously she is concerned about increased BP, so she prescribed antibiotics for the infection, and tells me to come back in three weeks and we will talk more about headaches if they are still there and check on BP. She also took blood--lots of blood. I am supposed to have my BP taken three times between now and the time I go back, and I am not sure how I am going to do that short of going to her office, which is a about 35 minutes away. I really like this doc and have stayed with her through various moves-much like the mechanic, I don't want to switch. I went to a cardiologist a year ago after my mom's open heart surgery to check on BP, but as soon as he took me off the birth control, it was better than normal. I am not on BC now, so I am unsure as to what could be causing this. I am sure worrying about what's causing it is causing it to go higher. Probably the brain tumor that is growing in my head as we speak and will soon burst out of my eyeballs.

Then this evening I talk to my brother. My brother who moved to TX over Easter and who I haven't seen since. Well, he is having a hard time. My SIL was diagnosed with bi-polar I guess like two years ago now, and it is not being managed very well. She had been hospitalized a few times, and then they decided together they would move to TX where she could take another lawyer job, make a shitload of money, and live the slower paced life. Well, needless to say the shit hath come very close to the fan, and my brother is stressed and has threatened to take Little Tyke away and leave. Which I am sure is not helping the situation, but he doesn't know what to do. I have told him what to do, of course, and he isn't listening and it is making me mad. He seems to think he can just reason with her and try and bully her into treatment, and I keep telling him it will not work. He asks me what to do, and I tell him to seek out a couples therapist that can help them determine together how to manage this. He has been supportive all along, but he is getting impatient. He revealed to me tonight that he has been seeing a therapist privately before they left for TX, though he paid in cash so as to not have anything on record in case he needed to deal with custody issues. Now that he is a stay at home daddy, he doesn't have the cash he had before to do this. She is seeing a psychiatrist once every three months--and they have her on so many meds that I can't imagine how they are monitoring it every three months. Her therapist has told her that she doesn't need to be going to therapy so much, and so she doesn't go. I think she is far from being able to manage this on her own.

My relationship with my brother has been so complicated. This man that I care about so deeply now is the same kid who did horrible things to me as a child, and who I nearly destroyed myself over. When I hear him talk, I hear how scared and vulnerable he is, and how he wants someone to help him make sense of things---it makes me sad (can I feel sad? can it be ok to feel sad for him, who did THAT?). Of course I want to be there for him, but I struggle as well with the feelings that come up. I hear him on the phone with Little Tyke, and he sounds like such a great father, and you can tell he is trying so hard. I want this to be easier for him, I want him to listen to me to get support for himself (why won't he listen--is this how it was when I didn't listen to people . . .). I want her to feel ok about herself. She is a brilliant, high powered lawyer who is freaking out right now and can't get out of bed because the TX bar application specifically asks if she has bi-polar disorder. She is worried that she will not be admitted to the bar and will lose her job over this. I can't blame her . . .I don't think that is even legal, but what do I know.

I know that is sucks to think of their relationship struggling so much. They have been together since high school, and he sacrificed a lot for her to put her through school. I hope they can find a way through this in a way that is honorable for all. I hope that Little Tyke is spared any harm from her inability to be near him and love him as he should be loved. I know they are all trying--it is hard to sit back and not have the words or the ability to help.

I will see them in about two weeks, and I am very excited. Little Tyke talked to me today on the phone about our plans to go trick or treating, and he instructed me on what I was to say when I got to the doors. He also told me about the dog that bit him in the face, and how he had to get stitches. He said is burned a little, but he was a big boy--all 4.75 years of him.

I miss them . . .I am sad for them.

Explanation needed . . .

2008-10-15T21:31:00.002-05:00

Someone P L E A S E explain to me HOW on GOD'S green earth Sarah Palin is an expert on autism . . and how she knows so much about autism . . .Does he NOT know that the child that Sarah Palin has has DOWN SYNDROME????

OMgoodness . . . McCain just makes me angry on so many freaking levels . . .

Ok, I need to calm myself down before bed.

I did sign up to drive folks to the polls today. Goodness knows I need to do something . . .

Seven things you might not know about me . . .

2008-10-14T14:59:00.004-05:00

So Lynilu had tagged me on this last week sometime, and well, I am slow . . .but here goes . . .enjoy!

7 interesting things you might not know about me...

1.) I almost died when I was a baby. Had something wrong with my liver and they took most of it out when I was 5 weeks old I think.

2.) Because of said surgery, I had several blood transfusions and was tested for HIV for years after and I never knew why I had to be tested so much. This was before they tested blood for HIV . . .

3.) I played the trumpet in high school and was in the marching band, jazz band, and concert band. I would occasionally be known to play a tuba or two as well.

4.) I sleep with a very large U shaped pillow in my bed to help me sleep due to my herniated disc problems . . .have such a hard time sleeping without it when I travel.

5.) I have journaled for years and years and have a ton of journals stored up, and when I was 19, a therapist I was seeing for therapy (who I ended up dating) encouraged me to "let them go". So now I don't have the journals from those early years, and I regret this often.

6.) My parents had people round the clock in the hospital with me when I was born since I was in a very bad neighborhood and was the only white child in the nursery.

7.) I used to not shave my legs cause I thought I was making some kind of feminist statement . . .now I think that overly hairy legs is kinda icky. I have been harassing SOMEONE about this for weeks now to no avail . . .

8.) A bonus-->when I was heavily into drugs in high school, I ran a weed ring through the drive through window at the McDonald's I worked at--that is until I got caught and fired . . . but I made some killer money and also knew how to make a bowl using a courtesy cup, tin foil, and a straw! Who said I wasn't smart!

There you go. Hope it was entertaining!

Ridiculously Cute . . . .

2008-10-13T20:43:00.004-05:00

I couldn't resist . . .I promise I will write soon. Lynilu has tagged me and I will get to that in the next few days . . .but in the meantime, check out these pictures. The one photo shows Riley with his new friend Bergey from puppy training class. We had a play date at our house on Sunday and it was fun!

National Public Radio

2008-10-08T15:46:00.000-05:00

We know and love it as NPR, and for years I thought it was only for old people who had nothing better to do with their time but sit around and listen to their radios at the kitchen table.

Boy was I wrong. I was turned onto NPR a while back when I saw a TV show talking about Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me. It is a weekly news quiz show that is funny enough to make me question if I have actually peed myself. I often wondered what people were listening to in their cars to make them laugh out loud, and I can safely say that this must be on the dial for some of them. I don't actually dial into NPR, though I do have it as a preset just to say I have it, but seems BBC news is always on when I tune in, so I listen to the podcasts.

I have also enjoyed Car Talk, where people call in and talk to these guys about car troubles--could be a woman who wants to know if it is ok to date a man who lives in a van, or suggestions on how you can butter up your mechanic--which you know I am all about!

Then there is Story Corp, not to be listened to en mass on the way to work, as you will find yourself crying, snotty nosed, and without tissues. Here they share interviews of people who have like 3 minutes in a booth to talk to or interview someone on something. Often times parents and kids talking about days gone by, or how old aunt sally met uncle homer in 1912 in the middle of a blizzard. You know, real tearjerker kind of things. Not all are that way, there are some funny ones like the woman whose mother bought her an inflatable bra in the 1920's and things went horribly wrong in the airplane and she was taken into custody after her boobs grew ever so large and then exploded--sounding like a gun. Again, too funny.

Who knew NPR could be so enlightening, fun, and laugh out loud hysterical! Take a listen and let me know what you think!! I am getting smarter by the week, and you can, too!!!

What a crock!

2008-10-07T15:40:00.003-05:00

DP and I decided this week that we should make something in the crock pot. So we got out our cookbook-entitled "Not your mothers slow cooker cook book". We perused some good ones, and settled on some meatloaf and potato thing. Seemed easy enough and thus we have dinner cooking as we speak.

Thing is, it is weird, as a person who sorta has some OCD issues, to leave a heated thing on cooking in the house all day long. Something seems very wrong with that.

Secondly, I have been home for a few hours now smelling this yummy yummy dinner, and all I can think about is food . . .I want to eat NOW!! We have another 2 hours for crying out loud. I will never make it-or I will simply eat so much other stuff that I won't be hungry for yummy dinner. I am also seriously procrastinating on finishing my paper which is due tomorrow, people. GRRRRRR

I also can never resist the urge to go open the top and look in. I know this lets out a ton of steam that has been building for hours, but I need to interact with it somehow--I can't believe it doesn't need me . . . to do ANYTHING.

That's just a crock if you ask me!

Can't help myself

2008-10-06T16:15:00.005-05:00

Look what I found on my desk this morning when I got to work--HOW FUNNY!!!

Officer Down

2008-09-30T10:02:00.003-05:00

Last week an officer was sho t in the line of duty. I happened to be relatively near where it happened, and actually had to pull over since the amount of cops responding to the scene were massive. It amazed me that no one dies at the hand of cops going to these sorts of things--I seriously thought someone was going to get hit.

In any case, today is the public viewing and funeral for this officer, and today on my way to a visit I saw many many squads on motorcycles from other towns going to the funeral. For some reason it just makes me so sad.

I know any of us are at risk just in every day life, especially those who are in certain higher crime areas, but I can't imagine the struggle of families who's relatives are cops and firefighters and in like professions.

Not much else to say about it--just sad that this has to happen. Not to mention the sad state of affairs of the gentleman who did it. We talked in our social work supervision last week about what has to happen to to a child to have such a history of aggression at an early age. I am reading a book--that I should have read in graduate school-called Ghosts from the Nursery talking about the history of violence in young children. This guy was an adult, but he had a significant juvenile record. They reported that when he shot him at close range in the face, he then stood over him and continued to shoot him. That's anger . . .that's serious rage . . .that's sad. Just and FYI, the suspect was later killed by another officer.

Just sad . . .

I love my mechanic!!

2008-09-27T11:30:00.000-05:00

How many people can say they love their mechanic? Well, I do. I have been going to this same Meineke for years now . . .seems that no matter how far I have moved away, I still end up back there. There are three guys that have been there all along with a few gems that have come and gone. There's Eddie who owns the place-and he is rarely around--but when he is, the service times are outstanding--though I have to say that I am a bit sad at the reduced amount of time I got to spend with "my boys"!! There's this guy Jim who is just an overall nice guy who just got married for the first time at age 50 or something like that. Then there's Kenny. Kenny and I hit it off from the start, and he thinks I am just some crazed lesbian woman who has serious OCD issues around her car--which in all honestly used to be very true! He is always very patient, and appreciates me for who I am. He shows me things when he tells me something is wrong or needs to be fixed, he has extended credit to me on occasion, and he is just very funny. We have good laughs together and I enjoy going there. I don't, however, enjoy spending the money to go there. But at least I always know that they are fair and are doing what they need to in order for me to remain safe and to spend the least amount of money overall.

Oh, and they loan me a two toned ancient truck when they need the car longer than expected, and the best part--they let me bring the dog. They feel as if Addie should be their shop dog--which I almost agreed to since sending her there daily would be much cheaper than doggy daycare! They said they would have to change her name to Moe and give her a spiked collar. Wasn't sure how I feel about that now, so for now she'll just go visit.

Everyone should have that kind of mechanic in their lives.

Politics

2008-09-26T11:25:00.002-05:00

OK, so I know who I am voting for, but if you were to ask me why, I would just say cause I don't want another republican in the office. Though I truly believe that this person would do a good job, I just feel so overwhelmed by the he/said she said of it all. One will say the other did such a horrible thing, and then the other will come back with a comeback . . .and then the evening news will run a story saying the most of the claims made by the candidates are not true.

So my question is--who the heck to you believe . . .how do you make a case for either?

I just feel very frustrated with the unknowing of it all. Seems like everyone is lying these days.

Some fun!

2008-09-25T14:39:00.003-05:00

Jenster has tagged her readers to answer the following questions . . .

Ten years ago I was:

Oh, bad times . . .very bad times. I think I was in the hospital for my eating disorder and cutting stuff. It was also the last time I did any drugs!!! I was still in college-barely. They wouldn't let me into the social work department until I got my act together. I was living with a christian family that took me on as their "project". I drove a purple neon . . .I was a mess!!

Five things on today's To Do List:

1. Observe kid at school and see new family

2. Resist the big container of cookie dough in fridge

3. Run the pups like crazy before the downpour comes

4. Order some clothes from Land's End--need pants bad!

5. Call brother or dad to find out how brother is

A snack I enjoy:

Anything that is a carbohydrate!! I am not picky--> bread, pretzels, bagels, you name it!

Things I would do if I were a millionaire:

* Pay off debt
*Fix up my house with a beanie shack!
* Give some money away
*Open a kennel or some other animal related endeavor
* buy lots and lots of books and create a wall to wall library with comfy chairs
* help my family

Places I have lived:

* New Jersey
* Poconos
* Philadelphia
* Various suburbs of Philadelphia

Oh, fun and easy post!! Except the remembering how unwell I was 10 years ago. SOOOO thankful for now, and being exactly where i am!!! Thanks Jenster!

Oh, the weather outisde is . . .

2008-09-24T19:26:00.003-05:00

BEAUTIFUL!! I want to live in a place where it is this temperature all the TIME!

The best is when I can wear shorts and a long sleeve shirt. I am happy as a clam when it is like that. When I don't sweat before I even step out of the shower . . .

Ok, so Lynilu has called me out, and I am here to give an update! Wish I could make it as exciting as Amy Poehler in SNL, but you will have to deal with just me . . .

Work has been good. I had a very important meeting today with a local educational place to try and sell myself and my program to them as a contract service. I felt really confident and I presented myself very well. I recognize that if they choose not to go with it, it has nothing to do with me myself--it has to do with them as a program. Important distinction!!! Made me realize how far I have come--and that I am going to be ok. My grant ends the end of January, and without promise of additional funds I will be unemployed. I am ok with that. I am working as hard as I can to be in a position to have other options for myself.

School is going--I am less excited about spending the amount of money I am to take this class, but it is a means to an end. I had to email the professor the other day as we discussed a case and the class kept talking about how crazy this family was, and how crazy the mom was. I couldn't believe that in a school of social work that she would allow such things to be said. I somewhat firmly believe that we are what we think--so if we think that people are crazy and view them that way, then are we really giving them a chance at being anything different? I recognize we all need to blow off steam, especially in this field, but I was feeling that was just not cool. Tonight we were talking about self injury, and people were being stupid with their comments--and I finally couldn't take any more and I raised my hand and I told them that I was a person who used to cut and do those things, and I am not weird--ok, well, maybe I am weird--but you know. Several people came to me afterwards and thanked me for putting a real face on the issue. Damn, and these people are going to be social workers . . .

The kids are good. Riley is growing like a weed, and Addie is holding her own. I have embraced the use of the outdoor kennel, and we haven't been issued a warning from animal control that our dogs are being a menace, so I assume they are behaving when we are gone. We put straw in their houses, and they both seem to like the kennel. Riley has started a new training place due to scheduling conflicts with the other place. He is really smart--even more so than his sister I feel. We won't tell her though.

My brother in Houston still has no power, though their house was mostly spared any damage. I think they have a few windows that need to be replaced, but other than that they are ok. I am going to visit them next month, and I sure hope they have electricity by then!! Not too much to ask. I am going to visit after I go to San Diego for work. It is quite a sacrifice I am making to go to CA for three days to present for 12 minutes. They asked me at work if I would mind going for them . . .um, let me think about it . . .NO!!! I am really excited and scared at the same time, but that's another post.

I hate--dislike very much-Jenny McCarthy . . .

Weird sightings today--a man on the corner of a major intersection doing crunches on the ground . . .mid day . . .just on the ground doing crunches.

Ok, no more. I have had to draw a line in the sand and cut back on some things. I realized that I was out most nights of the week and so I have had to allocate one night a week that I am home, nothing to do but watch TV in my pj's. I have cut back on my women's hometeam group and will only go every other week when I don't have my social work supervision group. That frees up one night a week. Important self care that is hard for me to do . . .growing all the time . . .

There you go . . .I will try and be slightly more regular in my attendance!

In the doghouse

2008-09-14T19:32:00.004-05:00

I should be in the doghouse for not writing . . but alas here I am.

This weekend has been hot as heck, especially today. We went swimming in the neighbors pool that was only half full since he was draining it . . .we were desperate.

Today we built the doghouses that we got for the pups. They are these cute log cabin looking things--I know we are dorky, but we're like that. We also put the kennel flooring in-and we left a space for them to take care of their business. Looks nice. I took some photos and will update this soon with lovely photos of the kennel-I think Riley even posed in one of them.

Not much else going on. . .went back to church today for the first time in like a month and it felt good to be back and see some of my people.

Tomorrow it is back to work, and another busy week. Maybe it will be cooler and I can be less cranky . . .right now we are watching Catch and Release . . .cute so far.

Until next time-

**Update with Pictures**

OK, so here you can see the semi close up shot of the kennel with the two houses and the flooring. Watch, they will both try and cram into on of the houses. We got them from Petsmart.com

Here's Riley posing in front!

And just a cute picture for fun! His ears have fallen, which we are told is normal when they are teething! He looks so cute. Stay tuned for another installment of Addie's Corner later this week!

Did anyone see this??

2008-09-04T14:28:00.002-05:00

Ok, I don't want to get into what I think of the whole political hullabaloo right now, but I thought this was absolutely almost pee-in-your-pants-funny from last night's convention!!

Take a look . .

Busy Busy

2008-09-03T19:46:00.004-05:00

For the next few months I will be busy. I have gone back to school to see if I can finally finish up my certification to be a school social worker, and so I had the first class tonight. It was nice to be back in school again . . .

Then the clinical supervision that I was doing on Wednesday's has been moved to Thursday for the semester to accommodate me. Every other week I have supervision, and the other Thursday's we have puppy kindergarten with Riley. Monday's is therapy, and Tuesday will be women's group at the church starting next week again.

I would love to find a certification in professional vacationing. I think I would be very good at that. I think it could quite possibly be my calling in life.. . .